A Widow’s Journey - 360 degree View of my Life after Loss
April 22, 2015
I will be sharing here the exercises/homework from my online grief class with Christina Rasmussen (Second Firsts is her FB page - and it’s phenomenal).
This exercise is about looking at my life and where I am now in relation to my grief process. Bear with me...and here goes:
What did you used to do that you are no longer doing?
Go to a coffee shop and just hang out with friends for hours, talking, drinking, just enjoying a slow day where time almost seems to stop.
What are you doing now that you didn’t do before?
All of the shopping
All of the driving
All of the cooking/deciding what we (Sissy and I) will eat
Arranging or doing sidewalk maintenance/yard work
Dealing with drain clogs; lightbulbs that go out; smoke detectors that need batteries
When was the last time you laughed?
I don’t remember the last time that I just laughed, a big, uncontrollable belly laugh.
When was the last time you cried?
Monday night - don’t know why, just overwhelmed with the sad and being overwhelmed over every single day and what it takes to get through it.
When was the last time you went out on a date?
Before Allan died...with him.
PS: I’m not there yet, and currently doubt I will ever be there/interested.
When was the last time you phoned or saw a friend?
See friends weekly if not multiple times a week-I don’t use the phone at all if I can help it - I hate the phone.
When was the last time you told a joke?
A real joke and not just some smart ass one-liner? Hmmmm. Can’t remember.
When was the last time you went to your favorite place?
Way too long...my absolute favorite place is Marquette and I haven’t been there in at least 5 years.
How long ago was the last time you felt truly alive and enjoyed a moment in your life—and what was happening on that occasion?
When I took my sister to see “I Love Lucy” at the Wharton Center and watched and listened to her reactions.
What have you done so far to start your life over? (List the actions you’ve taken.)
I moved into town and put my previous home on the market;
I joined the Neighborhood Association Board and recently agreed to be Treasurer of that Board;
I maintain contact with some very dear friends;
I plan activities that Allan was not interested in doing (Beerfest at the Ballpark; Turkey Trot 5K Walk/Run);
Today I got an email about a job with our State Department of Education that seemed perfect, so I took a deep breath and applied; I had to create my Vitae anew because I couldn’t locate my previous one on my computer, wrote the cover letter and attached both, completed the application and requested my official transcripts. It seemed like “Manna from Heaven” so I applied.
I scheduled, booked, and paid for a trip to Brazil to visit a dear friend in July...and purchased Rosetta Stone to learn Brazilian Portuguese.
What is different about you and the people around you? (Be specific.)
I’ve always been sensitive to what others are feeling-I believe that sense is heightened and I can tell when my friends are getting overwhelmed with my expressions of grief;
I was surprised by the people who had been in my life when I was part of a “we”...who are apparently uncomfortable now and have pulled away;
I am far less tolerant of BS than I had been and am not willing to keep people in my life who are full of it;
I am more courageous in my supervisory role, taking on employees who have been unsatisfactory for years and working to change their status in the organization.
It’s almost like the worst has happened in my life, so why be afraid of anything else?
Are you still trying to live the life you used to have?
Honestly...a little bit, but I’m letting go of it a little bit every day.
Which part of you has been locked up since your loss?
The free-spirited, joyful me.
Optimistic/positive me
Which part of you has been in charge since your loss?
My inner Eeyore-doomsaying, playing up the dread that wants to take over completely.
Have you challenged yourself lately?
Yes-I applied for a new job today, I confronted issues with an employee.
Have you been following the same routine every day since your loss?
No, because I have to go to work when I’d rather hide in bed under the covers.
My morning routine is pretty similar every day, and I am noticeably out of sorts if I can’t engage that routine.
How much of your time do you spend thinking about your life before your loss?
Less than 3 months ago, but I think about it every day, particularly when some little something reminds me again that Allan is gone.
A series of questions that are important to ask at the end of this exercise are:
What surprised you the most from the answers you gave to the above questions?
That I miss carefree time to spend in a coffee shop/cafe, talking, people watching, enjoying the slowing down of time.
Did you discover something about your life that you were unaware of?
I surprised the heck out of myself when I applied for that job today-my heart rate quickened, I’m sure my eyes dilated, and I jumped right in to complete the process. It was almost as if the old me surfaced and said, “Do it. Do it now before you have time to change your mind.”











