This came about because of a conversation I was having earlier with @risingchaos about Julian's issues with boundaries and previous abuse, during which they said "I cannot imagine the look of horror Miles would have realizing Julianâs had 'no's ignored... Oh my gosh, could you imagine if Miles finds that out months into their relationship?": my brain was set on fire with an idea and now this ficlet exists! ^_^
M-rated; cw for implied past sexual abuse.
Miles settles the blindfold round Julian's eyes, and his world is suddenly dark. He jerks round, instinctively looking for Miles despite the impossibility of it.
"You okay?" he hears Miles ask.
"No," he gasps instinctively â then remembers he's supposed to be, this is supposed to be fun, it's with Miles, and hastily backtracks. "Sorry, I mean, I'm fine, it's fine. I can do this."
The bed shifts, and he feels the pull of fabric against his skin, and then a hand stroking the side of his face while another slides round his back, holding him. "Julian, can you open your eyes for me?" Miles asks softly. Julian blinks: he hadn't realised he shut them.
"Theâ the blindfold?" he asks. "Why are youâ"
Miles shakes his head. "We're stopping there, Jules. I'm not doing this if something's wrong."
"Nothing's wrong!" Julian protests. "You don't have to stop just for me."
The bed creaks as Miles moves again, sitting himself back against the headboard, and lightly tugging on Julian's wrist to pull him back with him.
"Why are you doing this?" Julian asks â nonetheless shuffling over and allowing Miles to wrap an arm around him. "You were having fun."
"But you weren't," Miles says.
"It was just aâ just for a second," Julian says. "I was just surprised."
"Then why are you still shaking?"
Julian shrugs. He doesn't have an answer: his head is still a mix of the cloudy highs of sex and the irritating panic that the blindfold had generated. But he knows that Miles is taking this too far. "You're being overprotective," he grumps.
"And you're starting to worry me," Miles says. "What sort of partner do you think I am, that I'll just ignore it when you say no and start panicking?"
"Well of course it sounds bad when you put it like that!" Julian snaps. "But I'm not made of cotton wool, Miles. It's not like I've never handled that before. If you're enjoying yourself..."
He trails off, his own words echoing in his ears. They don't sound that great, either â and he can feel that he's said the wrong thing from the way Miles had tensed up beside him, his grip on Julian's arm suddenly becoming extremely tight.
"What do you mean by that?" Miles demands. Julian shakes his head, and pulls his knees up to hug them, burying his face into Miles' shoulder, as though he could hide if he could only make himself small enough.
"I don't know," he mumbles. There's a buzzing in his ears, and he can't figure out how he's supposed to be feeling right now, or what exactly he ought to be thinking.
"Julian, you've got toâ" Miles starts, a familiar frustration lacing each word. But then he breaks off, taking a deep breath - and then another, even deeper one.
"Okay," he says slowly, and Julian's startled by how soft his voice has suddenly become. "That's okay, Julian. You justâ Fuck. Take your time, alright?"
He lets go of Julian, but only for a few moments â just enough to reach over for the covers and lie down, pulling Julian with him and wrapping both arms firmly around once more. Julian's always liked these moments after sex, curled up in his partner's arms, fuzzy and warm, when nothing's expected of him â indeed, before he started sleeping with the O'Briens, he'd have said it was his favourite part of the whole thing. But he's off-kilter now; this isn't after, it's still mid-way through, and for all Miles is telling him to "take his time", he still feels like there is something expected of him. He's just not sure what.
"Are you angry?" he asks.
"I know what you said!" Miles replies quicky. "Jesus, Julian, justâ"
Julian props himself up on one elbow to look at his partner. His eyes are closed, and he's taking yet another one of those exaggeratedly deep breaths.
"I know I'm doing this all wrong," Miles says after a moment, now turning his head to meet Julian's gaze. "I'm sorry. I promise I'm trying butâ Fuck. Yes, of course I'm angry, Julian."
Nodding, Julian settles back against Miles, his mind turning. If Miles were anyone else, he'd be rushing to put things right, doing whatever they wanted to apologise for ruining their evening... but he gets the feeling that Miles isn't angry at him. No, more than that: he knows Miles isn't angry at him, full stop.
Which is a far more weird and uncomfortable feeling than it has any right to be, and he wishes there was a way to make this all better.
"I'm not shaking anymore," he points out.
"That doesn't mean this is suddenly okay, Julian."
"Noâ I meant... I meant you're helping, I guess."
Miles snorts, and Julian's eyes shoot up to him as he immediately realises how lackluster that must have sounded.
"Miles Edward O'Brien: He helped, I guess," Miles says, a teasing grin dancing over his lips. "Put that on my tombstone, will you?"
Before he knows it, a soft laugh has escaped Julian's own mouth, too.
"I guess," he says again, trying to prolong the moment of levity.
"I'll take it," Miles replies. "Your guesses are usually pretty accurate." He smiles at Julian, and for a second, Julian feels trembly all over once more: he can see the fondness and gentleness and sheer love in that smile, and it's almost more than he can bear, that it's all directed at him.
The atmosphere has changed now, though. As Julian burrows back down again, he's no longer trying to hide; his heart might hurt, but he's remembered now how safe it makes him feel that Miles has found him. He might see more of Julian than Julian really wants him to, but if Julian has to face whatever-it-is-this-is, then at least he's doing it with Miles.
"We're going to have to talk about this, aren't we?" he says, eventually.
"Yeah," says Miles. "Yes, we are."
"I don't really want to."
Of course Miles knows. Julian holds him tighter, not having the words to express just what he's feeling.
"It'll be okay," Miles promises. "We'll help you, Julian, whatever you need."
His voice has dropped to a whisper, his energy drained - but his words are no less certain. Of course he knows that. Of course.
