former academic * / current fuck up

it's the T E R R O R of knowing what the world is about. watching some good friends screaming ❝ let me out. ❞ pray tomorrow gets me higher. PRESSURE on people; people on streets .

[mcthodicals]

theo.

theo smiled at her, his eyes crinkling with warmth; he was grateful for her good-spirited ribbing and her reassurance. when she lowered her voice, he scooted a little closer, granting her his full attention. “ sure thing, ” he encouraged gently, before settling in to offer an attentive ear. aside from nodding occasionally to demonstrate that he was listening, he didn’t react visibly or audibly until she was finished speaking. “ honestly, that’s understandable. it’s weird, but being around this many people in this way can be isolating. if the experience doesn’t feel like all it’s meant to be, or like things are going right, it can feel like being always on the outside looking in. ” deep in contemplation, theo traced a pattern on his own thigh, lips pursed. although he did claim some of the counselors as family, his circumstances that summer had felt more powerful than any force and imposed a sense of powerlessness and isolation. he directed his gaze back toward her. “ i’m really, really sorry that you’re experiencing such shitty feelings, though. that sucks, and you don’t deserve that. as someone who cares… way, way too much about what people think, having enemies – ” he blew out a breath, shaking his head. “ – is painful. ” pausing for a moment, he frowned. it was important to him that he ensured he understood what she meant. “ what do you mean, ‘ as you might make it seem ?? ’”

for once, tabby was glad to have someone sit and listen to her. even if they both needed some sense of consolation at the moment, she really needed to get the weight off her chest, the weight that had been baring down on her all summer. her eyes traced the lines of theo’s face, listening as he offered his own thoughts on her issues. she felt a bit relieved that he hadn’t judged her, made fun of her, or turned down her sense of emotion. all of those things had happened to her before, and she wasn’t sure she could handle them again. “i came here in the first place because i thought i was... i don’t know... trying to pursue my own destiny, or whatever. but you’re right, it has felt a little isolating,” she brushes back a strand of hair that’s been separated from the rest by a soft summer breeze. “what would you know about having enemies, kid?” she tries to muster up a familiar smile, but it’s somewhat sad and not quite warm in the way that she wants it to be. “what i mean is...” she struggles to find the words to explain was she’s feeling, because what it feels unreal. “i still play ‘counselor,’ i do my job, i smile and laugh with some of the other workers, but i’m just not feeling it...” what she wants to say is that behind every smile is unease, behind every laugh is resistance. she clears her throat, laying her head back down on her knees. “it sounds stupid, i know, but i’ve done everything i was supposed to do and it still doesn’t feel right...”

[queereyegifs]

[mcthodicals]

erin.

“Tabs, T-Bird, Tabitha, Tabby, Tabiliciuous, you are so very special to me. Do not doubt the value you hold in my heart. Now quick, come to my cabin with me and indulge in my smuggled alcohol. Tell me your deepest secrets and thoughts, and once we are effectively intoxicated, we can make our grand reappearance at this….whatever this is. Let’s just have a little fun for a hot second, okay? You know you want to.”

“now why didn’t you just say that in the first place,” she giggled, allowing herself to be drawn over to the more rebellious side of things. rarely did tabby have a taste for engaging in the scandalous and rule-breaking activities that most of the counselors participated in, but tonight felt special. she could definitely use a pick me up in the form of liquid courage. “take me now!” she cried, quickly covering her mouth after realizing how loud she had been. “now, where are you hiding this smuggled alcohol? because i’m ready to blow this popsicle stand,” she put her hands on her hips, ready to follow erin wherever the night would take them.

[mcthodicals]

theo.

“ mainly just, like, wishes for peace and the courage to make things better… ” trailing off, he exhaled deeply and closed his eyes for a heartbeat. he’d been writing lists for his lanterns for many years now, but he’d never hoped this desperately for them to come true before. in a bizarre – possibly foolish – way, he was counting on that little paper lantern to carry him through. “ i get that. ” nodding in agreement, theo bit down on his lower lip. “ i do. my younger siblings are here at camp now, which makes it better; they’re the best. but my older sister is really good at keeping me sane and being honest, even if she’s kinda cold and scary. i dunno… family’s just familiar, y’know ?? ” 

“wow? peace? as in world peace? you’re starting to look and sound like miss america, theo,” tabby joked, but there was a warm, hazy smile painted on her face. she watched theo in what seemed like a deep contemplation that she didn’t want to prod into further. she was a bit too caught up in her own self-lamenting bullshit that it was hard to ask if those wishes truly meant more to him than he had let on. she wouldn’t tell if he wouldn’t. she held her breath for a moment longer than normal, her exhale noisy and unevenly paced. “i’m absolutely sure your sister misses the hell out of you too,” tabby offered, placing her head back down on her knees. “can i tell you a secret...” she whispered, even though they were seemingly alone. tabitha couldn’t help but want to spill a bit of her own problems, especially once theo had said ‘family is familiar,’ something about it struck a nerve. “you know how a lot of people say the stillwater counselors are like their family... i don’t feel like that a lot of the time. in fact, i feel pretty helpless and alone most of the time,” she muttered, somewhat hoping he hadn’t caught all of her words. “i feel like i’ve made more friends than enemies, theo, and i don’t really know why... i used to say that people hating me was just water off my wings, but it hurts now. of course i have people like josie, and erin, but this place isn’t as familiar to me as i might make it seem.”

[mcthodicals]

theo.

“ fingers crossed that they do eventually. ” theo crossed his arms, head tilted to study the tapestry of stars above. “ ha, yeah, gus would’ve had a great time. he’s missing out on some good ol’ fashioned stillwater fun. ” humming in thought, he turned to tabby, smiling slightly. “ do you ever miss your family more than you would’ve expected ?? even if being around them kinda sucks ?? ”

“what about you? what kinds of things did you write in your lantern?” she questioned, her eyes travelling from the lake to the stars that had been reflected in its surface. “i can’t believe i’m the counselor, not him. this seems like it would be right up his alley, you know.” she sighed, thinking of her own motives for coming here in the first place. it wasn’t for the nostalgia, but to regain a sense of purpose. she hadn’t really done that yet, she still felt lost. “i mean, i see my parents pretty often, but, god, do i miss my brother. even though most of the time he’s acting like a little punk and he destroys a lot of the things i own, of course i miss him. a part of me wishes that he was right here and i could just wrap my arms around him...” she lets out a gentle sigh, turning her gaze towards theo. “do you miss your family, too?”

[mcthodicals]

the breakfast club, dirty dancing, ❛ Night is young and the music’s high ❜

the breakfast club - “which high school stereotype do you fit into best?”

tabitha would never tell you this, but she is probably best suited to the “princess” stereotype. like claire in the breakfast club, she’s so high strung, and rarely goes out of her comfort zone. she’s too cool, i guess, to fit into the “nerd” stereotype.

dirty dancing - “where were you when you last heard your favorite song?”

“i was driving out to camp, and there it was on the radio. i should clarify that my favorite song is ‘your song’ by elton john. just makes me tear up every single time. i’m always a sucker for elton john, something about his music just reaches me.”

❛ night is young and the music’s high ❜

“even so, i’m no dancing queen, theo. i don’t think i’m prepared to go out there on the floor and bust a move. i’m better suited for watching from the sidelines, you know.”

[mcthodicals]

♟

♟ - “our muses share a bed”

“fair warning, marty, i kick and punch in my sleep,” tabby said with a deathly serious tone, staring marty directly in the eyes. “so, you can’t say tomorrow morning that i didn’t tell you i was an mma fighter in my sleep.” she adjusted her pillow so she could lay more comfortably. “it’s going to be especially hard since we’re in a twin bed… this is tiny, i’m not quite sure how we’re going to make this work. perhaps we’ll wake up with our limbs all tangled up, right?”

[mcthodicals]

❛ Now there’s only emptiness, nothing to say ❜ // sixteen candles, dangerous liaisons

❛ now there’s only emptiness, nothing to say ❜

“wow, someone’s been listening to a little too much my chemical romance, felix… look, i know that you and i don’t have the, uh, friendliest of relationships… but that doesn’t mean that we’re total rivals, okay. that spot is reserved for someone else.”

sixteen candles - “at which age do you consider someone to be the most mature?”

“i don’t believe there’s a certain age that defines maturity. i think eighteen is the age where people really start to mature, but i’ve known plenty of twenty year olds and onwards (coughcoughcough) that still act like children. i think it depends on the person, and someone might never mature.”

dangerous liasons - “which language would you most like to learn?”

“i’ve always been partial to the romance languages. i used to be fluent in french and spanish, but i’ve lost a lot of that fluency. i think that i would like to relearn those two, or i’d like to pick up some italian.”

[mcthodicals]

“well, so far none of my wishes have come true, but only a few hours have passed since i sent out my lantern...” she lays her head upon her knees, looking at the calm water of the lake. “i feel like it was a successful midsummer lights festival... my brother used to love these things. i’m sure he’s disappointed that he wasn’t  out here to experience it.”

[mcthodicals]

erin.

“I’m a forward person,” Erin replied, deadpan, “you should know that by now…or is that something you learn on the second date? And to answer your question, I don’t even know who pitfall and ne….yo was it? Ne-yo? I don’t listen to this kind of stuff, and neither should you. Come on, have some self-respect! Now I’m going to have to steal you away to the cabins and play you some real music- finish off a bottle of some smuggled wine and then play spin the bottle with it. That’s our first date by the way. How do you like it?”

“never did i think you’d be so forward to invite me back to your cabin right away,” tabby chuckled, her eyebrow arching curiously. “i think that i definitely would have learned it by the second date if you hadn’t have told me just now, but i’d find out eventually...” tabitha gaped at erin, a mix of jested confusion and pain across her features, “you don’t know about pitbull, he was a staple to our childhood - or at least mine. no awkward, body-odor scented middle school dance would have been complete without him. you can’t tell me you didn’t at least bob your head a little bit to ‘dj got us falling in love tonight’ or even ‘timber.’” she reached out her hand towards erin, wiggling her ring-clad fingers a bit, hoping the other would take it. “steal me away into the night, and serenade me with these ‘real’ songs you speak of, my love. then we shall be drunk off the taste of cheap, smuggled wine... oh, how romantic.”

[mcthodicals]

𝔸 𝕄𝕀𝔻𝕊𝕌𝕄𝕄𝔼ℝ 𝕃𝕀𝔾ℍ𝕋𝕊' 𝕎𝕀𝕊ℍ

when you wish upon a star... or in this case its a lantern. tabitha knows that wishes can’t get you very far, you have to put the effort in to making the wish come true. but, in her heart of hearts, she still has some hopes that she’d only keep between herself and whatever entity may be listening in the lantern.

I. TO FIND A SUITABLE CAREER

it’s always about work, and never any play, for our girl tabby. of course she’d want to find a suitable career, it’s all she thinks about. how much of a failure she is, why she isn’t going places... if only she could find some kind of passion to keep her going.

II. TO FINISH SCHOOL

a communications degree is still a degree. and she’ll work her ass off to finish out this year. because of her gap year in europe, she’s graduating a bit later than some of her peers. but, she is still on track to graduate and that’s what counts.

III. TO APOLOGIZE TO THOSE THAT SHE HAS HURT

let’s face it, she’s made some many mistakes this year and even this season at camp. it’s better if she just tries to actually be kind to those she’s hurt. will she follow through on this wish? it’s unlikely with just how stubborn she is.

IV. TO GO OUT OF HER COMFORT ZONE MORE OFTEN

tabby has a select group of friends she hangs out with, a few places that she frequently visits, and a set of novels, movies, etc. that she pays attention to. she wants to be more adventurous, even though it scares the hell out of her.

[mcthodicals]

»» —C L O S E D [ @mallcable​ ]

“i’m... so... tired,” tabitha dramatically plopped herself into the chair opposite the administrators desk, her neck arching over the back of the chair. “can i hide out in here for like two seconds and nap? the children have been chasing me all day trying to get me to go out on a date for the dance tonight... can you please, please, please keep me safe.” it was rare for tabitha to hide out from her work, or even complain about being tired, but she was absolutely drained.

[mcthodicals]

»» —C L O S E D [ @rosiemcannon ]

“i think i’ll just throw on the dress i wore to my first midsummer lights dance, it’s breezy and it still fits,” tabby sighed, pushing aside the large pile of dresses she had managed to scavenge through. “sure, it was meant for a early two-thousands pre-teen, but it’s not that bad, right?” she held up the atrocity, covered in all pink sequins and bedazzled flowers. “i mean, it’s for the nostalgia more than the fashion...”

[mcthodicals]

»» —C L O S E D [ @ofsalamanders ]

"hey, felix, can you pass me some of those streamers?” tabby mumbled past the pencil that was held between her lips. she had a talent for multitasking, and preparing for the dance was the perfect opportunity to show it off. “and if you could finish cutting out these decorations you’d be such a doll...”

[mcthodicals]

»» —C L O S E D [ @mxrtys ]

tabby taps her foot in the corner of the dance, always one of the earliest to show up to a dance like this. tabby apparently hadn’t gotten the memo about being ‘fashionably late,’ she was either on time or at least ten minutes early. luckily, now that she was a counselor, though, it appeared to be less of a nerdy habit and more of an occupational necessity. she had to help set up the dance anyways, and now she was here to chaperone it. there had been no need to break up any campers yet, but tabby would have to keep watching for the next few hours. even if she had a slight urge to find her friends and take them out to the dance floor. as if fate had read her thoughts, tabby caught a glimpse of marty also hanging about the barren dance floor. she slowly made her way over, hoping not to catch the attention of any of her superiors. “hey, stranger... we should really tell the dj that blasting gucci gang on repeat isn’t going to get the kids to come out and dance any faster,” she whines. “when will he go back to playing some real jams?”

[mcthodicals]

please like or reply to this for a starter! it’s been so long since i wrote this pal and i need to get back into the habit of it.

[mcthodicals]

erin.

“So listen…..what do you say we just….I dunno….get out of here?” Erin raised a brow at the person opposite. Fingers rattled against her hip, her stance firm, “I’m starting to feel that this isn’t really the place for me….and I get the feeling this might not be the place for you either. I mean come on- who picked this god awful music?”

“wow, you’re asking me to get out of here and we haven’t even gone on a single date yet? how forward of you,” tabby teased, pushing her hair back behind her shoulder. the midsummer night lights dance always had left tabby feeling tense. she’d always been the kid huddled in the corner, pretending they’re too cool to dance when that’s the only thing they really want to do. “what? you aren’t digging this pitbull featuring ne-yo jam? i think i’m the one who put it down on the song request list...”