Addison loved the way the kids ran into the house and eagerly jumped into playing together, talking about if they wanted to watch a movie or show. The way they didn’t even think about the moment weeks earlier where they were looking around at the adults to see what they could or couldn’t do. They were just kids again. And without the drama and constant fear that something bad was happening like in Seattle. It never stayed good for long up there, Addison had taken a while to adjust to the slow pace of the practice and lack of surgery. Even if she missed it sometimes. The switch had been good for the kids, she could see that; even if it wasn’t forever.
The thought of what it would look like when Meredith went back to Seattle hadn’t really hit Addison until that moment. The kids had become very attached to each other and she wasn’t about to make Henry go through losing friends. She took a deep breath and accepted that she would be making semi-regular trips to Seattle after this was all resolved. That wasn’t a problem, it would be good to see Amelia more often. Addison just wasn’t really wanting to get pulled back into Seattle and the constant near-death experiences. Sure, the practice wasn’t perfect, but at least someone didn’t almost die every other week.
Taking her wine, Addison stood in the living room area and watched them all play until she heard Meredith come back downstairs. She hadn’t expected Meredith to immediately head over, but maybe it was better to just get it over with. She walked over to the back porch and opened the door for her to follow her out. Before she did this, she wanted to know a few things and also so she could prepare for when she came back. Jake watched them for a second, “I’ve got the kids and dinner should be ready soon. No rush, I’ll make sure there’s some for when you get back.” Addison nodded, “I’ll be right back.”
Once they were on the deck and alone, Addison glanced at Meredith, “What are you expecting from talking to him? What’s the plan?” She wanted to know that there was a goal in the conversation. If it was just an explanation, or reconciliation. She wondered if there was a timeframe that she wanted to work into. “Just so I know how long I should wait in case I need to kick him out of the state.” Addison hoped that Meredith took it for the joke that she mostly intended it to be, though, she wouldn’t hesitate to walk in there and have him escorted to the airport. “I know that you’re talking to him for the kids, but it has to be for you too. He didn’t just walk out on the kids, he left you too. So, just, make sure you’re not leaving yourself out when you guys are talking. You’ve been single parenting when he was supposed to be there for a long time. You’re owed a little something from him.” Not for the first time, she thought about what she would’ve done if they’d had kids when Derek had taken off. It was unfathomable considering the way he used to talk about family, but it was right in front of her and filling her home. She would’ve never been able to make it the way Meredith had.
“We’re right next door if you need us, good luck.” Addison gave her hand a comforting squeeze before walking back into the house to let Meredith take whatever time she needed before confronting Derek.
When Addison came back inside, Jake watched the way she glanced between the windows and door, knowing that they looked directly into Sam’s house. “Hey, she’s a big girl, she can handle herself.” He knew that Meredith hadn’t been well when she showed up, but she’d gotten better over the weeks. Plus, healing from giving birth wasn’t exactly easy either. Jake pulled Addison into the kitchen with him. Addison sighed, “I watched that girl nearly die from drowning in the sound, and put her hand in a bomb cavity, there was a shooting that happened and Derek got shot. I don’t even know how she’s still standing half the time, and that was before Derek disappeared on her.” Jake shook his head, it was so much for one person to go through, “She’s okay, she clearly knows where she can go when she needs to.” He finished plating the food and called the kids to the table while Addison stood in the kitchen and watched the kids and anxiously waited.
A normal ex-wife would not care this much about a mistress and her family. Before this, Addison couldn’t remember the last time she wondered where Derek and Meredith were. That was before though, and now, she was in it. Not for the first time, she was grateful that her husband was able to pick up things where she couldn’t. The kids were a helpful distraction, but she couldn’t get herself to sit down and eat with them, at least not until Zola looked at her like she was about to start questioning. Addison wasn’t about to start having her ask where her mom was, so she forced herself to sit down, even though she was poking at her food. After dinner, distracting them was easy enough: movie night with popcorn and all of the goodies.
THAT WAS IT, THIS WAS THE MOMENT. And so while Ellis was sleeping upstairs, just down for a nap, and Zola and Bailey were both busy playing with Henry, Meredith took one last glance at her eldest from where she stood in the kitchen and gulped thickly before looking away and following Addison out to the back porch, right after giving one last look at Jake along with a small nod of head and a meaningful, stared-straight-in-the-eyes, “Thank you.” She gulped thickly as she stepped outside, feeling a pressure rising within her chest. She breathed through it and looked over at the water, reminding herself of what Addison had told her when she had first gotten to LA; the soothing effect of the rise and fall of the waves, the smell, the view.
Addison’s questions had her turning back around to face her, her gaze finding hers as she took the words in. The plan. There had been no plan ever since that first phone call. Every single plan had gone right out the window. But then as she stood before Addison on that very deck where they had had their first heart to heart, memories from that conversation on that park bench rushed back into mind and left her feeling like she had just found her answer. “I don’t know if you recall, we were sitting on that bench in that park, and you told me that either would happen; whether he would come back home or I would go back home, but whichever happened, that I shouldn’t hide it,” she said, and paused for a second, gulped. “That I should make him feel every part that I was feeling. Loss, anger, pain,” she listed, remembering all too well those very words coming out of Addison’s mouth. “That he should deal with what he’s put me through, and what he’s put the kids through.” She gulped and nodded as she thought it through. “I don’t expect anything, I just need him to know how much damage he’s done, and I’m certainly not gonna let him off the hook here,” she stated firmly, recalling those very words coming from Addison’s mouth but on an opposite twist, as she had actually let Derek off the hook back then. And as much as she understood why Addison had, and the truth was she probably would have bent before herself, but her three kids needed her to stand up for them, and advocate for them. That was the plan. She was her kids advocate, and she would stand up for them.
Addison’s words made the corner of her mouth curve up a little, she knew she was joking... or partly. Nothing would make her happier than to have to kick him out of the state, but then again she knew Addison also just wanted whatever was best for her and the kids and she was so very grateful that no matter what their past and story together, both together and then with Derek, Addison would support her no matter what was ahead. She already was, and she was so grateful. Addison’s next words left her staring up at her, the cornered smile vanishing and a more serious expression taking over. It has to be for you too. She knew Addison was right. And she was not only going there for the kids. Mainly so, yes, but she was also going there for herself. She did not expect anything from Derek, not anymore, but he would most certainly know the hell he had put her and the kids through... and not just them, people back home, too. Amelia, Maggie, Alex, to only name a few.
Gulping, Meredith gave Addison a small nod at her last words. “Thanks,” she muttered, feeling her stomach in knots and her throat tightening as she felt Addison’s fingers squeezing around hers one last time before her hand slipped away, and she watched her heading back inside. She stood still for a few seconds before she turned around. Finding herself standing alone on the deck, the sound of the waves, the salty smell in the air, the breeze against her skin, she took it all in and took a few deep breaths for a moment, her gaze locked on the house next door, aka Sam and Naomi’s house. Eventually, she gulped thickly and pulled herself together. It’s time, she thought to herself, and so she took a first step, and then a second, and she headed down the stairs to the sandy path that led to Sam and Naomi’s house. Her heart tightened in her chest with each step, but she kept repeating to herself Zola, Bailey, Ellis. They were her why, they were her everything. And she had to do this to talk some sense into Derek so that he realized that they had to be his as well; his why, his everything.
She eventually made it to the front porch, and she found herself standing there for a moment. She was not hesitating, she knew she had to do this, that it was time, she felt it as well. But she allowed herself a second before going in. Because she was in control. Of this situation, of this conversation, of this moment. She was in control. Nodding to herself, she leant forward and grabbed the handle. She had no idea if the door would be unlocked or not, but she felt like she had to walk herself in. She did not feel like having him standing so close to her if he were to open up the door for her. She had to walk herself in. It was all part of the process of owning this moment. Of being in charge. Of being in control, at last. Thankfully, the door was unlocked and opened right away as she pushed it open. Mechanically, she headed it without looking around, she went in head low, turned around to close the door, and only when she turned back around did she move her head up, and her gaze instantly found Derek and locked with his. He happened to be standing further down the house, right before her at a distance. His gaze found hers instantly, almost as if he had been waiting for her to show up. There was something about that first eye-lock, it froze Meredith into place. It hit her; they had not looked at each other, really locked at each other, since that last day. When he had left Seattle. Her heart dropped in her chest a little, so much that she instinctively locked her knees, a reflex just to make sure she would not risk falling down or something. The last time she had seen him at Addison’s house, she had been too shocked by his presence and too off to take it in and be in the moment; this time she was all in the moment. And she stood there, staring right back at him staring back at her.
The initial shock. Derek had spent literally the day pacing around the house, raging about the fact that his wife and kids were just in the house next door and he could not get to them, but also angry with himself that he had let things get so far. And he had been angry with Meredith for upping and leaving with their kids without letting anybody know where she was. If it had not been for Amelia, he never would have known where she was. But then Meredith suddenly appeared, walking herself in and then her gaze found his, and suddenly the anger all washed away. Derek was suddenly left frozen into place, torn between moving forward all the while knowing it was a risk he probably should not take - and just standing there, still. He did not want his lack of anything to come off as a lack of interest in Meredith. He knew he had been absent these past few months, he had been a lot of things and lost surely was the top of it all, but he had come all the way here to LA to fix things, and he was determined to prove to her of that; she was the love of his life. He knew that now, more than ever before. He always did but somewhere along the way he lost sight of it; of her, of them - too blinded by the things that had clouded all that really mattered, things that seemed so irrelevant now. She was beautiful. She seemed changed, and yet just as he always knew her to be; strong, independent, unshakable, unbreakable. Her name died on his tongue at first, too shaken by the sight of her he had not expected so soon after she had kicked him out of Addison’s house. He could hardly believe she had come all that way to go to Addison of all people... and yet deep down, if he dug deep enough past his shame and hurt, he knew exactly why, and he understood. He gulped thickly as he stood in place, staring at her for a moment, until her name fell from his lips so softly, just like it used to. And the chills rushed up his spine as he realized just how much he had missed saying it. “Meredith...”
Meredith... Chills rushed up her spine right away. The sound of her name in his voice, that way he had to say it that got her every single time, even still. He said it like nobody else. She gulped thickly and stared still straight at him, her lips remaining pressed together, no word or sound ever leaving her lips. She just stood there and stared back at him. She both hated and needed the distance that stood between them. The lack of response yet her gaze never leaving his had Derek take a single step forward, as he sat with a feeling that he had a right to make a move forward, closer - that maybe, just maybe she just might actually allow him closer. And as he took that step closer, his shoulders sank, his head lightly shook, and that dreary look in his eyes reflected the pain he felt in his heart at the distance that stood between them. He felt like he was supposed to say so much, and yet he had no idea where to even begin, or if he had a right to say anything. Because while he had paced around all day with so much to say to her, he was standing there now with the fear that if he so much as opened his mouth, he would end up making it even worse. But he had to talk. He had to tell her so much. And so after a while, a thick gulp and a little too much silent-staring, Derek slightly leant forward and moved his hands up, then exhaled as he began to say, “Listen, Meredith-”
“No you listen,” Meredith cut him off right away. Derek froze into place, not getting any closer, his arms falling back down his sides, his shoulders dropping, his gaze locked on hers. Meredith could hear her heart beating fast against her chest wall, and yet she had not felt this ready and in control to speak her mind like that ever before in her life. Surely the thought of her children, and maybe more specifically the small human being Derek had not yet met or let alone even knew about until probably returning to Seattle and finding out then through Amelia or anyone back home, was what pushed her to speak her mind like that. She had to be their advocate, she had to stand up for them. And so gaze locked with Derek’s, standing at a distance that felt just right, Meredith gathered all her energy and jumped right into speaking her mind; advocating. “You know Zola hasn’t even asked me once since we’ve been here what we were actually doing here?” Meredith began with, not even sure where she was going with this, she was just letting whatever came up to mind slip right out of her mouth, unfiltered. Staring through for a moment, Meredith eventually shrugged. “I know it’s not because she hasn’t wanted to,” Meredith stated. She knew her daughter; how curious, how aware she was. She could still see the look in Zola’s eyes while they were sitting in that car the previous day; she knew something was up, she had always known.
Gulping, Meredith looked into Derek’s eyes. Even though she stood at a good distance, she could still feel like she was staring right through him, and she most certainly hoped he would take her words and all that she was going to say to heart and that it would shake something in him. For the sake of the children, she hoped it would shake something in him. “She didn’t ask me because she doesn’t want to make it any harder for me,” Meredith nodded, her gaze locked with Derek’s, and while she would have thought she would be looking for the smallest hint of reaction from him, at this point she did not care. All she cared about was saying all that she had to say, and she could not care less about his reaction to it. All she cared about was what he would do about what she would share with him from there on out. “She knows things are not going as they should and she knows I’ve been having a hard time and doesn’t want to make it any harder.” She did not care about stating it; she had been having a hard time, that was the truth and she held no shame in that. She grew quiet for a moment as she felt the anger build within as the words came to her lips, burning to slip out. “She’s a kid,” she stated, and the way it sounded was harsh, strong, direct. She gulped thickly, her jaw tight. “She’s a kid, yet she’s being an adult,” Meredith stated, her head absently nodding as her gaze never left Derek’s as she completed, “Because her dad ran away and her mom just had a baby by herself.” And speaking it out loud sent a rush through her entire body; the crazy irony of the repeated cycle from her own mother to herself. And the pride that she had handled things so much better as a parent than her own mother ever did gave her a boost of strength she much needed.
The whole time, Derek stood still and quiet, giving Meredith the space to speak. He understood that she had a lot to say and a lot to get off her chest, he was not heartless, he could understand that he had put her and the kids through a lot, and part of him was glad she was talking to him at all because he had once known her to shut out. At least she was talking to him. He could not ignore the fact that if she was speaking up, it meant she cared to let him know things, to fill him in and that maybe she, too, wanted to fix this. He most certainly wanted to know everything he had missed out on. He was beating himself up for missing out on it at all. But as Meredith began to speak and spoke of Zola, it took him by surprise, having not expected the conversation to take that tone. When he heard her talking about how she was just a kid yet she had been protecting her mother because her dad had ran away, he could not help but feel a pang in his chest. But he gulped thickly and kept quiet; deep down, he knew he deserved it, and he hated himself for putting Zola through what she had been through through all of this; Zola, Bailey, Meredith, all of them. And the baby. The baby... there was a baby. He could not believe Meredith had kept her pregnancy from him, or that she had not even called him to tell him she was giving birth? She had given birth to their child all alone. Carried her and birthed her, alone. Part of him felt awful. And part of him was so angry. How could she go through an entire pregnancy without telling him they were expecting a third child? Go through labor and then just take off with their kids halfway across the states? To his ex-wife’s house of all places? There was so much he needed to understand. Meredith was so hard to read at times, even years in he still had trouble reading her. And yet after having paced that house all day with questions drilling his brain, he looked at Meredith and he was just relieved that she was standing there. That she was willing to be there at all. It had to say something... right?
There. She had said it. Her dad ran away and her mom just had a baby by herself. But it was more than that. It was a lot more than that. It was all the missed calls and text messages. It was the distance with the kids that had settled over time. It was his distance with her, when he had promised they would make this work. It was not getting to share the pregnancy together. It was the woman who answered his phone. She could still see his face in her head, standing in Addison’s house, as she realized that there really had been a woman answering his phone, a woman who was not just some OR nurse picking up his calls for him while he was operating. Swallowing thickly as a lump grew in her throat, Meredith’s gaze never broke away from Derek’s, as though she had made a deal with herself to not look away. Derek’s head absently started to nod, he balanced himself on his other leg, his mouth opening, closing, opening again, closing again. He had no idea what to say, how, what- he was at a loss. Gulping, his hands joined before him, he breathed in and let out a shaky sigh. “I’m sorry,” Derek breathed out softly.
Meredith felt her blood turning to ice instantly. I’m sorry? Did he really think this would be enough? That a sorry would do? That she was just expecting him to apologize so they could move forward? It threw her anger through the roof, yet though she struggled she managed to keep calm. Instead, she stared back at him and decided to further question him. “For what?” She snapped right away. Derek’s face shifted, a small frown drawing up on his face, Meredith’s question leaving him speechless. Meredith could tell he had been thrown off by her question, even wondered if he understood what she had just asked him. But before he could say anything, she pursued onto her advocating mission. “For abandoning our kids?” She threw right at him, not even weighting her words, she did not have to. Derek’s body took a hit, he physically backed up as Meredith’s words hit him and threw him off, shock written all over his face as his jaw clenched and he gulped thickly, head bending a little. He knew he probably deserved that, but it sure hurt nonetheless. Meredith kept going, unfiltered. “For saying you would find ways to make this work?” Her head tilted. “Was finding some other girl to screw around with your way to make this work?”
Derek’s body language got defensive right away and he leant forward a little, his facial expression darkening as a “Whoa!” left his lips right away. But it did not impress Meredith who ignored it bluntly. “Was constantly missing video chats with your kids you trying to make it work?” “That’s-” Derek tried cutting in, getting defensive as he definitely felt attacked. Meredith raised her voice. “Was lying to my face you trying to make it work?” “Enough,” Derek spoke louder over Meredith, trying to get her to stop. This was leading nowhere and each of her interventions were hitting him like she was pushing him backwards again, and again, and again, which again he probably deserved, but this would not lead anywhere. This was not conversation. “Is this a pattern of yours? Off to a new city, finding the stupid naïve student that looks up to you the most and using her to forget your family back home?” “Enough!” Derek snapped even louder, his pressure rising, his muscles tensing. She was pushing it too far and he would not just stand there and let her attack him like this. “Who am I kidding, of course it is,” Meredith chuckled, head shaking. “You’ve done it before, shouldn’t be a surprise that you’re doing it again.” “ENOUGH!!!” Derek shouted across the house, almost feeling the walls shaking around them, his voice echoing all throughout the house. The echo of his voice lasted long after Meredith had shut her mouth, yet her gaze never left his. It almost felt like the house was shaking all around them, yet Meredith remained still, and ironically enough she felt stronger than she ever had before. And she owed a huge part of that to Addison. Ironically enough, the woman who had once destroyed her everything had just breathed life back into her. And she would forever be in debt of her for it.
Derek stood still and stared back at his wife. His wife. He did not even know if he still got to call her that. He knew he had fucked up. He knew he had been a horrible husband - and Amelia surely had made sure he was aware of that. It hurt to be standing there and to have her standing there, so close yet so far from him, feeling the distance that the past few months had installed between them. She felt like she was miles away. Unreachable. It physically hurt, and emotionally so even worse. He had no idea how to go about all this, what he should say, except he wanted to find a way to fix this because he knew; she was the love of his life, and he did not want to live without her. Not anymore. Not ever again.
Silence settled for a moment, the both of them just standing face to face, not moving from their respective positions. Meredith could hear Derek’s loud breathing, and just by that she could tell he was mad, and hurt. It did not make her feel better, though. It did not soothe anything within her. It did not make her feel better to see him hurting as though he was getting a glimpse at the last few months of her life, no. But did it mean something to see him hurting about all this? Yes. It sure meant something. Meant he felt something, that he had to care somehow, deep down, about all of this. About them. And she would not be stupid enough to lie to herself and pretend that deep down inside part of herself had not missed him or loved him still, of course it did; of course she did. But he had hurt her, broken her, so badly. It would take a lot more than the hurt she could read on his face and his overall body language to win her and her trust again. And surely more than a single apology.
Flashbacks from that video chat then came to mind. Derek looking so distant, and as if he was in a hurry, like he had somewhere better to go than to be there talking with his kids and with her. That voice on the phone... Her head absently shaking, Meredith gulped. “I tried to convince myself that I was going crazy...” Meredith shook her head, an absent smile on her face. “I was pregnant and hormonal so I had to be seeing things that weren’t true.” She shook her head still, then shrugged. “Callie tried to convince me I was indeed going crazy.” Pausing, her gaze found Derek’s, and her jaw clenched a little as she recalled her exact words that were imprinted on her mind. “You and Derek are the living proof that true love exists... is what she said, funny huh?” She stated along with a small shrug and a light chuckle. “Meredith-” Derek tried cutting through. “But I couldn’t fight the feeling,” Meredith cut him right off, as though she had not even heard him. “Regardless of everybody else trying to convince me that I was going at this all wrong,” Meredith shook her head. “And then during that video chat, you didn’t say anything, and you wouldn’t look at me,” she shrugged. “And I just knew.” Derek’s jaw clenched tight, he just stood there and stared back at her, silent. “You never said anything, and for weeks I tried to make myself believe it was all just in my head, until I called you again that day, and she picked up the phone again.” And as she said that, Meredith could see Derek’s face shifting, and she felt her stomach flip as it confirmed exactly what she had known all along, but to get the confirmation... oh, it hurt. It hurt because the next day, when she had tried calling him, he had not picked up the phone. And the following day, she was going into pre-term labor.
Derek gulped thickly as he stood still. He had no idea what he was supposed to do or say; what was there for him to do or say? Meredith was a ticking time bomb anyway, anything he would attempt would turn against him, but standing there and not saying or doing anything would also turn against him. So what was he supposed to do? At least Addison was not there to push him back or throw him out. But he knew Meredith had a lot more power over him here. And he did not want her to leave. He really wanted to fix this. Meredith stared on at him and though the question hurt her to just think about, she had to say it. She had to ask. “Why?” The word slipped her lips, burning them on their way out. Her voice even broke as she said it, and she was not even trying to cover it. She was so deeply hurt, and he would know. Staring right into his eyes from where she stood, Meredith gulped thickly as her head shook lightly. And with a steady voice and a stare right in his eyes, she asked, “What did I do for you to hate me enough to do this?” She knew she had told him to go to D.C., pretty much ordered him to, and she had felt the guilt of that for a long time but she had a hard time letting it be reason enough for him to do this, to hurt her back like this. Because this was too serious; cheating was the overstep.
To these words, Derek could not stand in place and not say or do anything, not anymore. He walked forward right away, took a few steps closer, but as he felt Meredith’s bubble taking up more space than usual, he did not push it and stopped at a distance which he judged acceptable, hoping Meredith would reckon he was trying because if he was listening to himself, he would step much closer and try to hold her arms, make her look in his eyes and make her hear him, see him, understand. He had never meant to break her or them, not ever. He had been lost, depressed, confused - so many things. He had been miserable, had been angry all the time, and all he ever did was hurt people, and mostly the last people he wanted to hurt. And he could not get control of it. He had never meant to hurt her intentionally, or the kids, never. And so he stood still. Tears had welled up in his eyes. He was not immune to this, to all of it; he was hurt, too, and to see her this hurt was the most painful thing for him to bare. “I don’t hate you, I could never-” he stated right away, stopping himself as the lump grew in his throat, his head shaking as it tilted slightly.
Tears had welled up in her eyes as well, and to see his eyes tearing up as well felt like a stab in her chest. But as he spoke, she could not help the rage that welled up and she just slipped into defense mode. “Then how?!” She snapped. “How could you do that to me?! To our family?! How can you just take off and say you’ll find a way to make this work, to then fall into bed with a stranger?!” And before he could say anything, Meredith just kept going. “Do you have any idea how it feels to walk into work and have everybody look at you and ask you questions about where your husband’s at, how come he’s not around given you’re pregnant, will he be back in time for the delivery, when he won’t even pick up the damn phone when you call him?!” Meredith was shouting at this point, but she did not care. This was exactly why she had wanted to do this here; so she could let it all out. She had promised Addison she would not hold anything back, and so she was not. “Derek would not do that, he loves me and he loves our family and we’ve been through too much for this to happen. That’s what I’d tell myself. Over, and over, and over again.” She recounted. “So I hired a nanny to help with the kids, I ran the house and the kids all by myself, I kept our home together, all the while running a department and my research, and that’s fine because I decided to stay back in Seattle with the kids, so I did it. You were off to D.C. to take your career to the next level. But I sure as hell did not expect taking it to the next level meant cheating on me.” The words just slipped her mouth and filled the whole entire house, and truth be told Meredith was not even sorry for it. It was the first time she had said it out loud like that. And to him. It hurt, oh hell it hurt so very deeply, but it was the truth. The sad, ugly truth.
Derek was not sure how he was still standing at that point, but he also would rather Meredith let it all out than she kept quiet and shut him out because that would mean she was giving up. So the fact that she was yelling at him told him she cared enough to let it off her system to him, so that meant she had not completely given up on him, on them. So he would take her yelling and ranting if it meant there was still room to fix things. But he could not help but take a hit as she spoke the words ‘But I sure as hell did not expect taking it to the next level meant cheating on me.’ Those last three words resounded long after she spoke them, and he would swear he felt that ripping feeling of his heart right then. He remembered that moment, standing in Zola’s room, Meredith making him swear to never cheat on her. The pain he bared was too heavy, but he had to bare it. And he forever would have to. He hated who he had become during those few months. Absolutely hated it. And he felt so far from it now, but he understood that Meredith had a whole different side of the story, and he was responsible for it. He kept quiet and gulped thickly, his gaze locked with hers.
Swallowing, Meredith just stared back at him. Was he going to say something? Or was he going to just stand there and let her shout it out? She did not know what to think of it all; whether she was angry he was not saying anything or glad he was letting her vent it out. Both would be right. That had to mean something. It was like living it all over again. Seeing him walking away, that phone call at the airport, then the sporadic video chats, trying to handle it all at home, running her department, the research, finding out she was pregnant, that first phone call and trying to not let it get to her head, until too many things added up and then that last phone call, and then going into preterm labor less than 48 hours later. Two weeks later she was standing on Addison’s doorstep in the middle of the night with a newborn, a sleepy toddler and a five year old clinging to her leg; alone, broken, lost. It all felt so far away and yet so vivid and close, all at the same time.
“Do you love her?” The words slipped her mouth as she kept her gaze locked with his, and she simply closed her mouth and gulped, and waited. Her stomach was in knots and her heart was beating so fast she felt it would beat right out of her chest, but she kept still and tried to look put together. The truth was she was already heartbroken just asking that very question. But she needed to know. As the words left Meredith’s mouth, Derek froze into place completely and he missed a breath as his heart skipped a beat. Do you love her? It left him speechless, but he knew he had to unfreeze and speak quickly enough or she would think he was thinking of what to say to get himself out of the mess he had put himself in - and themselves in. Instantly, he began to shake his head and he could not help but to take a step forward. “I don’t,” he stated very firmly, and then stopped himself from getting any closer and joined his hands together before him, rubbing them together, an attempt at keeping himself grounded and at keeping it together. It hurt to even hear her saying that. “I don’t, Meredith, you-” he shook his head, a lump in his throat causing him to pause briefly. He gulped. “You’re the love of my life.”
It was really hard to even hear those words after he had just put her through literal hell. And so as he said those words, she could not help but to let that chuckle out as she shook her head, looking away. There was no need for her to say anything, that was answer enough. Derek gulped thickly. Meredith had not needed to say anything, he understood that he had had an interesting way of showing it - her chuckle was fair enough. He sure deserved that. You do not hurt someone you love in the way he had, he got that. Still, he gulped past that lump in his throat while blinking away the tears. “I haven’t given you reason to believe that,” he muttered along with a shake of head. “You have every right not to believe it. I deserve that.” He nodded. “As I deserve all that you said.” He added. “But,” he paused, taking a single step forward before joining his hands together before himself, “If you’d like to hear what I have to say,” he paused, giving her time, trying to figure out if he could keep going before he actually did.
Meredith’s head turned back in his direction as he spoke, her gaze finding his again. Indeed, he had not given her any reason to believe that, cheating on her being reason number one. Also, skipping video chats with their kids and missing her phone calls being other very valuable reasons. But she kept quiet and stood still, arms folding up over her chest as he spoke. She was somehow satisfied to hear him saying how he deserved all that she had told him. Then came the but, and she felt her back arching up, as though she slipped right into defense mode. Then he went on and grew quiet for a moment, and she picked up she had room to speak. But the truth was, she did want to hear what he had to say. She had wanted to hear what he had to say from that very first phone call that woman had answered. And even before then. They had not been communicating well since way before his leaving to D.C. Since before Maggie came around. It had been a long time since they had been communicating well, if at all.
Seeing as Meredith stood still and did not say anything, Derek decided to begin talking, hoping he would get to say what he had paced around all day thinking of, as well as spent the initial flight over to Seattle thinking about - what he had been wanting to say to her from the moment he had woken up from this disconnected phase of his. Looking down for a moment, Derek gulped thickly. “I was angry,” he muttered, his head low still, unable to move it up, to look up at Meredith. He could not look at her yet. But then he had to. So he forced himself to; owning this was part of fixing things, and it started by looking his wife in the eyes. As his gaze found hers, he felt a rush up his spine. He gulped thickly. “I had been angry, all the time.” He shook his head. “I’d lash out for ridiculous things. I was miserable.” He shrugged, shaking his head still. “I no longer recognized myself. I mean, I had everything,” he shrugged, the lump growing in his throat. He had a wife, kids, a home, a job he loved, great friends, he had it all. So why could he not be happy? Why was he so miserable? “I thought D.C. would fix it somehow. I’d be brain mapping and teaching and researching, working for the President of the United States, it was all I’d ever dreamed of, more even, and I thought it would fill something, that it’d fill this emptiness I felt inside.” He shrugged, his head shaking helplessly. Gulping, he shrugged. “Turns out it made me angrier,” he stated. It was almost like he could feel the heaviness he had felt back then all over again just by talking about it. “I couldn’t face it,” he shook his head. “I’d come out to D.C. to do something great and all I felt was anger. I’d left my family behind and for what?” He shrugged. “I never wanted to leave you guys behind, but I couldn’t stand being angry with you and lashing out on you guys, and the last thing I wanted was to ever lash out on the kids, I- I thought going away would fix it, but it didn’t,” he shrugged and shook his head again.
There was something liberating about listening to Derek saying all of this because she had seen it; the anger, the resentment, how uncomfortable he had been in their routine, in their home. She never wanted to make him unhappy, never wanted to make things harder for him, never wanted him to not find himself in the life they had built together, in their home. She could not fight the feeling of him resenting her for holding him back from that D.C. project, but she had not wanted to move to D.C. and uproot the kids as well; their lives were in Seattle as were all of their family. She had moved across the state with her mother back then, off to Boston away from all and everyone she knew, and she had found herself alone with an absent mother, and that had been terribly hard and it was the very last thing she wanted to ever put her children through, regardless that they would be there for them and that the kids had each other whereas she had been a single child. She just did not want the kids to come second. She had been second in every decision her mother had ever made. Having children, she had promised herself that her children would be at the center of her decisions. Plus, she did not want to live in D.C. But the guilt sure had resided inside her for months... even after the phone calls. Because what if she and the kids had gone with him, maybe this would not have happened. Yet she refused to carry the responsibility of that because it was not her doing, it was not on her. Staring up at Derek, she kept quiet and allowed him to speak. As he stopped, she stared on to him and gulped.
“You hurt,” she stated. Two words. For a moment, that was it. Derek locked gaze with her and a frown drew up on his face as he stared back at her. Meredith gulped. “That’s what you do when you’re hurt,” she carried on, nodding thoughtfully. “When we lost Zola, you told me I’d be a bad mother,” she recounted. Derek’s face shifted as she mentioned that, feeling his stomach flipping, his heart dropping in his chest. He hated that he had ever said that - he obviously had not meant that, and Meredith knew it, and it both angered him that she brought that back up after they had already addressed that in the past, and yet it broke his heart that he had hurt her then, just like he had again. “You compared me to my mother,” she mentioned. Derek’s head tilted and a sigh escaped his lips, helplessness settling within him; was she trying to anger him or to hurt him more? Throwing at him things he obviously had said in the heat of the moment but that they both knew he did not mean. “You hurt in the most hurtful places, and fine I can take it, but I won’t allow it for the kids,” she snapped.
Swallowing thickly, Meredith’s body stiffened. When it came to her kids, she became very protective. “Honestly, if Addison hadn’t been there, and Jake, I don’t know where I’d be right now.” Derek’s jaw clenched and he bit his tongue. He could not help but feel threatened about the fact that of all people, she had gone to Addison, his ex-wife. “I know that when I had my legs open, all red-faced, giving birth all by myself with an MIA husband who wouldn’t pick up his calls, I didn’t want to keep doing this.” She stated firmly and felt her words resonating in her bones. “I was done.” There, she had said it. Derek froze into place and everything else flew right out, all that stuck was I didn’t want to keep doing this. I was done. A frown drew up on his face as he stared back at her, speechless. Almost like he was only just realizing the extent of it all. Hearing the heaviness in her tone, understanding the heaviness of her words. He never would have even imagined things could have gotten this low and dark. The shame he felt in that moment, to have made Meredith feel that way, to have made her go so low as to feel done, it literally took his breath away. He felt his stomach flip and a bitter taste in his mouth left him feeling light headed. “But I didn’t get to be because there were now three kids who needed me,” she stated. “Because I was the only parent around.” Meredith’s words hit him and he almost felt like he could fall down. His knees locked to keep him steady, but had he known there was a chair behind him, he probably would have let himself fall into it. “The only one that stuck and didn’t give up on them.” There, again, she had said it. Straight as it was. Derek stiffened up and unfroze to her last words. “I never gave up on them!” He exclaimed, snapping back. “I was there!” Meredith snapped back, without adding the other part that both of them knew to be and you were not. Which sounded all too familiar, like back to a certain conversation they had had years ago, and the one who had been there had been Cristina.
Derek’s mouth shut and he stood still, growing quiet as the atmosphere of the house grew cold all of a sudden. Thinking of the kids, Meredith could not help the anger that built up within her on their behalf. She could handle Derek hurting her, she could deal with that but she would never allow it when it came to the kids, and unfortunately it was too late but she most definitely would not ignore it; she most certainly would address it. And deep down, she knew Derek knew it had to be addressed. “I am not my mother,” she stated. Derek’s head tilted and a sigh slipped from his lips again. But before Derek spoke, Meredith kept going. “I am a good mother,” she stated, and there was no holding back the tears that welled up in her eyes. Derek gulped thickly. Of course she was, and he knew that. It was hard to talk about for Meredith, it had been a hard year without him around and she had been tested, in many ways, but she knew she had done a great job. She knew she had been a good mother. “I have been there for them,” she nodded. “And though I have been so angry with you, I never said anything about it to them,” she shook her head. Derek’s eyebrows formed a frown hearing how Meredith had kept her anger with him from the kids. Not that he would have expected Meredith to paint a bad picture of himself to the kids, but to understand that she had protected them from whatever she was feeling towards him still left him speechless. He still wondered how the kids did not wonder, Zola especially. She was wise. She surely had picked up on things, in fact he knew she had because Meredith had just told him so.
“I defended you,” she stated. Derek stood still, an eyebrow raising up. Defended him? Meredith nodded her head, making her point clear that she had defended him, regardless everything. She gulped thickly. “I cared for them by myself and I came out here to LA to do just that; so they could be happy kids again and get out of that house that had become like a prison for all of us.” She knew it was harsh, but it was the truth; the harsh damn truth. Derek felt his stomach flipping again; to hear that the house, their house, their dream house, the one he had built for them, for their family - had become like a prison to them... it broke his heart. Absolutely broke his heart to pieces. Meredith gulped. “I have been the kid stuck in the middle of a broken marriage and all its drama. I do not want that for my kids, I won’t allow it.” Derek felt his heart skip a beat as he heard the words broken marriage, but again he could not blame her for it. He gulped thickly and looked down for a moment before looking up again and finding her gaze again. He knew what that meant - he had been down that road before. He did not want to go through it again. Especially not with Meredith. He could not fathom losing her for good. He would not let it. It could not be too late.
“I’ve put them to bed every night and every night I told them how much you love them, that you were off saving lives and making medical history, that you would be back, that their family was still a whole and that we would see you again. I kept this family together, our home together, while doing my research, taking care of my patients, running a department; I’ve been a good surgeon and a good mother,” she pointed out again, unable to stop herself from doing that. “I did it all alone.” She gulped, pausing briefly. Derek bit his tongue, allowing her to vent it out still even though he was boiling inside. But he also knew that all she was saying was true, no matter how much it hurt. It was just really hard being hit with it all on and on and on like that. He was not sure how much more he could take, and yet he knew he had to. “I came out here because I had three kids to take care of and I was completely lost and confused. Because while I was giving birth all alone, my husband had fallen for another young girl and I knew the one person who would understand that was Addison because she’d been through it and if I had to figure out a life after you then I had to know how she did it,” she said, her voice getting raspy from the lump growing in her throat, tears welling up in her eyes. She hated talking about that - hated thinking about that; she loved Derek and the idea of their marriage being unfixable was too hard to bare. But she had promised herself that she would tell him the whole entire truth if they were to do this. She had promised Addison she would let him know how much he had hurt her and so she was, no matter how painful it was for her, too. The words that left Meredith’s mouth hit him, if I had to figure out a life after you then I had to know how she did it. The words just felt like knives cutting through him.
“Zola’s all too aware of what’s going on, and these past few months, she’s been worried about me, about you,” she pointed out. Derek’s face shifted hearing about Zola, and he felt a pang in his chest hearing how Zola had been worried about him, and about his mother. He did not want her to be worried, no more than he wanted to hurt either of them; the kids or Meredith. “She’s been asking me when you’re coming home and I'm running out of excuses,” she sighed and shrugged, a single tear falling down her cheek that she quickly wiped off with the back of her hand. “You’re her hero and she loves you, even if you stopped calling,” she nodded. She did not mean to hurt him, but she had to say it like it was. His eyes shut as he heard those last few words, even if you stopped calling. He hated himself for every time he picked up the phone and was about to press call, and then did not do it because he was ashamed. Ashamed that he had been away for so long, ashamed that he had left his family behind thinking this job and research would give him the answer he had been looking for, an answer that had been right in his face the whole time; no job was worth losing his everything for, and his everything was his family. He had to learn it the hard way, and he might have lost it forever for being dumb enough to jeopardize the most important thing in his life.
“If you had already given up on us, at least you could’ve had the decency to tell me,” Meredith spoke, and though her voice was loaded with emotion and vulnerability, her words were cut-through and sharp. “I deserved better, the kids deserved better,” she snapped. “They deserved better than an absent father. You know what that’s like, I know what that’s like. They don’t deserve this. They deserve better, so much better.” Meredith’s jaw clenched tight and she gulped thickly. His shoulders sank and tears welled up in his eyes; he hated what he had done. He hated himself. He hated it all. He wished he could just snap and go back to undo so much, but what was done was done. “You’re right, you guys didn’t deserve any of this. I screwed up. I managed to jeopardize the most important thing to me, and that’s you and the kids; my family,” he spoke, and the emotion was cutting through his voice and he was just letting it. He wanted Meredith to understand - to see that he was not cold to all of this, that he was not proud of himself and that he wanted to fix this. He looked Meredith right in the eyes and took a single step forward, glad that she did not step back when he did, and he nodded. “When I left to go to D.C. all I wanted to do was come home, but I hated who I had become around you guys so I thought going away would do us all some good, it would clear the air and things would go back to the way they were,” he nodded. “But days and weeks went by and I felt angrier, the research wasn’t going anywhere, nothing was working like it was supposed to and I felt ashamed,” there, he said it. He was letting it out, setting the truth free.
Meredith stood still, a weight in her stomach. Shame. Her gaze locked with Derek’s and for the first time since walking into that house, she kept quiet. Her shoulders sank. To hear him saying out loud to her that they did not deserve what he had done, that he had screwed up, that he had jeopardized what was most important to him being her and the kids, it left her with a feeling of relief. She could hear the sincerity. The emotion in his voice, the pain. She knew he meant every word. She knew he truly meant it, and that eased something within her. It did not fix anything, but it meant a lot to hear. Derek felt Meredith’s receptivity, saw her shoulders sinking a little, felt her guard coming down a little. Some of the pressure he felt lifted, like he could feel there was room for him to open up and share. He gulped thickly past the growing lump in his throat. “I was ashamed that I thought that was more important than this,” he said, and he knew he did not need to pin point what that and this referred to, he knew Meredith knew exactly what he meant. “I was lost, Meredith,” he sighed helplessly, along with a shake of head. “I became a shell of myself. I was mad and sad all the time and then I was ashamed that I thought going away from the most important thing in my life would actually make me feel better, or make things better. I felt so lame.” He shook his head and his arms dropped as he looked down for a moment. He then gulped and looked up at her again with tears in his eyes.
Meredith was not insensitive to Derek’s words or emotions. To see him tearing up, getting choked up, being vulnerable and sharing what he had gone through, it broke her heart. Not because she was angry and hurt meant she took pleasure in seeing him hurt in return, not at all. She wanted nothing more for him than his happiness and wellbeing. But though she felt for him, it did not justify his actions. She would not just erase and forget about it. The past few months had been traumatic, in many ways. She could not just forget, take his apology and move on. She could not just forget and move on. Because it was not just her. It was more than her - it was the kids. And it was also her. She had been so deeply hurt in all of this and no matter how much she hated it, her trust issues had been greatly put to the test there again and she could not just forget and move on that easily. Staring back at Meredith for a moment, Derek swallowed thickly, his heart heavy. He thought about her talking about giving birth alone, he thought about that baby, that child of his that he did not even know yet who was already a few weeks old - he absolutely hated himself for not being there. He absolutely hated not knowing he was going to have a third child. It had been such a journey to Bailey, all the way to the pregnancy then throughout the pregnancy. He wished he had been there for Meredith through that pregnancy. He wondered how it had been for her when it had been so hard the first time around. And so scary, too, having almost lost her. The simple idea of anything happening while he had been away and unaware of it all... he simply could not think about it. Gulping thickly, he stared on at her and could not help himself but to look down at her stomach, which looked absolutely flat now; how crazy it seemed that two weeks prior a baby was in there, nobody could ever know. “I wish you’d told me you were pregnant,” he muttered, his gaze moving up to find hers again. His voice was not accusatory; it was soft, not meant as a critic but surely he wished he had known.
As the words left his lips, she saw his gaze eyeing her stomach and she felt her body tensing up as her gaze found his. Tears in her eyes, lump in her throat, she was shaking inside. She gulped thickly. “Do you have any idea how much I wanted to tell you that I was pregnant?” She spoke softly through her broken voice, a tear dropping down her cheek that she wiped away with the back of her hand as quickly as it fell. She gulped and stared at him quietly for a moment, the memories of that day so vividly imprinted on her mind. “But I called your phone and she answered.” She stated, and she let the words fill the room for a moment. Derek’s jaw clenched as he heard her words, as he heard that specific word... her. He shivered and gulped thickly. “And then you didn’t call back. And when you did, all I could think about was her, and I could feel you distant and I just wanted to see if you would be honest with me.” She gulped. Derek gulped thickly, feeling like he had been tested without knowing, and now knowing he had failed. He knew all about Meredith’s trust issues, and he sure knew he had messed up big time there. “I looked at you during that whole video call and you were standing there, not saying anything, just lying to my face.” The bitterness cut through her voice, she could not help it. Derek felt a pang in his chest. “You lied,” she stated. “So I lied.” She gulped. “I kept it to myself. I kept it hoping you would come home and find out yourself. But you didn’t.” Breathing in, Derek breathed out and gulped, his stomach in knots, a heaviness in his entire body, as though he felt dragged to the ground but had to keep standing up. “And then when I finally decided to tell you, when I couldn’t live with the secret anymore and resented myself for not telling you sooner, because I didn’t want to have the baby without you being there and I was weeks away, then I called you. And she picked up the phone. Again.” The room went cold and Meredith felt it in her bones. It was almost like she was right back there, with her phone in her hand, that voice on the other end of the line. Who is this? I know this is Derek Shepherd’s phone, who is this? Hello? The chills rushed up her spine. Swallowing thickly once again, Derek read the hurt on Meredith’s face and he felt his heart drop in his chest once again. He could only imagine and he felt shame. More than he had ever felt. “And less than 48 hours later I was in pre-term labor. And I refused that anyone called you because all I could think about was you with her and I knew that was it. I was all alone.”
The urge was too strong and Derek stepped forward, but he respected Meredith enough not to reach for her hands even though he first attempted to. “Meredith, I’m- I-I’m-” he attempted, attempting many times to say the right thing, anything, but there was nothing for him to say or do. It was too late. The hurt was done. His wife had been pregnant and had delivered, all alone. He took a moment and stared at her, his head shaking, trying to find the words. “If I could take it all back, I would. In a heartbeat.” He stated, pausing briefly. “I never wanted to put you through this, you or the kids... I-” Head shaking, he was searching for his words, wondering if there was even something for him to say at this point. “I don’t know why I did it, I- I got so lost that I wasn’t myself anymore, and I’m not saying that to find an excuse, it’s not, there is no excuse for what I did,” Derek shook his head. “But I do mean it when I say it didn’t mean anything,” he spoke with intention, his gaze locked with Meredith’s. Meredith could not help herself but to build that wall back up when he said that; if it had not mean anything then why had it gone on? And she was not about to hold back that question. “Why then?” She asked. Derek frowned, staring back at her for a moment. “Why did it go on if it didn’t mean anything?” She was hurting herself just even asking the question, but she needed to know. Maybe she did not, maybe she did not want to either, but in that instant she did, she needed to know.
Derek froze into place and held his breath for a moment. He did not want to talk about her. He did not want to go back there, to that dark place he had left behind for good. But then if Meredith asked, he did not want to deny her what she needed, if that was what she needed. Or was it? He did not know what to do. But he also knew her enough to know that if she wanted to know and he refused to speak, it would only make things worse, and the last thing he wanted was for any of this to get any worse. And so he stood still for a moment and swallowed thickly. He felt so uneasy, but he decided to give her what she needed. “She was my research fellow,” he stated very calmly. He would paint the story for her exactly as it had been. “We’d been stuck on the same issue for weeks and finally worked through it,” he nodded. Meredith folded her arms across her chest, and tight, and she gulped thickly, her jaw clenched. But she listened. Attentively. Swallowing past the discomfort of even talking about this with Meredith, Derek pursued. “She got excited and she tried to kiss me, and for a moment I didn’t fight it until I realized what was happening and I pushed her away,” Derek mentioned. Meredith’s face shifted and her body stiffened, and she opened her mouth to say something. Derek saw her about to talk and he feared she would refute what he was saying, so he beat her to it. “I know it doesn’t sound like it’s true but it is, I pushed her away and I left. I was completely thrown off and confused, and I was thinking about you and the kids and I just zoned out and left. I locked myself in my office for a while.”
Meredith stood still and listened, all the while unable to fight off this feeling; to hear that they had kissed hurt, but to hear that he had pushed her away and had thought of her and the kids meant something. Everything, actually. Yet she knew there was a lot more to the story. Derek gulped and took a moment before pursuing. “She came by my office in tears to apologize, we ended up talking and she confided in me about her past. She’s a great fellow and she hasn’t had it easy. So I decided not to file a complaint, we said it was just a misunderstanding and that it would not happen again.” The thing was, had the story ended there, Meredith could have been fine with it. Although the word misunderstanding rang in her ears; if a fellow kissing her boss was a misunderstanding than something had to cause that misunderstanding, had he led her on? Meredith gulped thickly. Point was, it could have been fine, had it ended there. But Derek had been gone months, ignoring phone calls and not calling back, spent months away from his family with little to no news. Meredith knew there was a lot more to the story. She wished the story ended there, but she knew it did not. And from the aggravated look on Derek’s face that was getting worse the more he recounted the story, she knew she had to prepare herself for the rest of it. Her arms tightened around her chest the more he opened up, but she wanted to know - she needed to know. “And then?” She asked coldly, staring him right in the eyes, arms folded across her chest still, tighter.
Derek felt all of Meredith’s coldness and it sent chills up his spine; he did not want to say any more than he had, did not want to hurt her any more than he already had. He wished they could just move on from this, put this behind them and move on. But he gulped and kept going, as she asked him to. “We worked great together, the whole team back there is great, the research team works hard, we’ve had great breakthroughs.” He nodded. But from the look on Meredith’s face, he knew that was not what she intended to know by and then. Gulping thickly, Derek went on. “I don’t know what happened for her to pick up the phone that day, honestly, I’ve never heard of it, she never told me she answered my phone,” he denied with a shake of head. It was hard for Meredith to take or even believe, but he seemed sincere and she wanted to listen to his version of the story without blocking it off right away. And so she stared on and allowed him to continue. After all, so far he had owned everything, so she had to at least give him the benefit of the doubt. Derek gulped. “She did ask me about you once, said she’d looked me up and found out I was married.” Meredith’s arms tightened around her chest and she gulped thickly, readjusting her head as she breathed in and out, trying to remain calm throughout all of this. A fellow looking up their boss’ marital situation and bringing it up to them had nothing innocent to Meredith’s ears but she let him go on, clenching her jaw tighter. The fact that she knew he was married and went on anyway made her hate her even more, and also made her anger with Derek grow. How could he not pick up on anything... or did he and simply chose to dismiss it. “I told her that I was, that I had kids. So she asked why you hadn’t all moved to D.C. with me.” Meredith’s eyebrow slightly arched up, yet she remained quiet. She was now curious to hear what he had told her, all the while feeling an inevitable pang in her chest.
“I told her you ran the General department back at Grey Sloan as well as your own research program and that our children’s lives were back in Seattle, but that you’d told me to take the job and that we were working things out in the best of our abilities,” Derek mentioned, feeling his stomach in knots even just saying it to Meredith’s face because honestly he was just ashamed of it all. But it had been true - things had not been easy since before his leaving for D.C., and they had been trying to work through it but it had not been going all too well. It had been pretty tough. Meredith stood still and stared on, her jaw clenched tight still as she remained quiet. “She shared about her own experiences and we just bonded and I-Meredith I...” Meredith could feel him trying to get out of the conversation, but they were too further in to backtrack now, and so she said, “Keep going.” She knew it was bitter, that it was harsh, but she was not the one who had wronged the other here. Derek swallowed thickly as she cut him off from backtracking, she sure knew him well enough to know his ways. He hated this, but he gave her what she seemed to need without further questioning or arguing it. “I was angry... I was in a dark place, I-you... I was exhausted and you kept fighting me on every aspect and matter and I just didn’t have the strength to keep fighting...” he muttered, and he felt absolutely lame for even saying it, as he realized how stupid and terribly wrong all that had been of him.
Meredith swallowed thickly as she heard him say those words. To hear him talk about how she had just been arguing him and fighting him on everything, how she had pushed him away which she knew she had. She realized she had her share of wrong in the whole story. But it stopped at that, it ended at the line that he had crossed. And she knew he knew it. “And she was there saying and doing all the things that you needed,” Meredith completed, a bitter taste in her mouth, and a bitterness to her voice. Speaking the words he could not, and yet the words he hated fit how he had felt back then because they were not the whole truth - not his current truth at least. He simply breathed out, his shoulders sinking, tears in his eyes as he stared back at her. “She doesn’t mean anything to me, Meredith... I need you to believe me when I say that she does not mean anything to me. She-” He stopped himself and sighed, his head shaking. He gulped back the growing lump in his throat and blinked back the tears. “She is a good person, but you are the love of my life, and I hate that I didn’t realize before all that I was throwing away unintentionally.” It was true, he had not willingly thrown what they had built away, he had just lost himself so deep in the darkness, and it had taken him a long time - too long, to come out and realize it. But at last he had. He knew now, more than ever, that his life, his everything, was with that woman standing right before him, and their three kids over at Addison’s house.
“I know this-” Derek began. “How long?” Meredith cut him off. Derek stopped as Meredith cut him off and stared at her for a moment. A silence settled and Derek gulped thickly. “How long what,” he asked softly, as though he no longer had any energy in him. “How long were you two a thing?” Derek sighed, head shaking. “We weren’t a thing, we-” “How long?” Meredith cut him off again. Staring back at her, Derek gulped thickly. “Four months,” he muttered. And he would never forget the look in Meredith’s eyes. It would haunt him forever, because he knew. Meredith felt her heart dropping to her feet, literally. Four months. That had been how long he and her had been together until Addison had showed up in Seattle, revealing the fact that her so loving and dreamy boyfriend was in fact a married liar, and she had in fact been the other woman for the past four months. Derek swallowed thickly. “Meredith, I swear this has nothing to do with what you and I had when we first met, you can’t go and compare the two those are two different things, she and I weren’t a thing,” he shook his head.
“How?” Meredith snapped right away. “How is that different? You moved to another city, fell for a young resident and carried on for four months until your wife showed up revealing that you were a married man,” she stated, her head shaking. “The only difference here is that I didn’t hunt you down in D.C.,” she snapped. Derek’s jaw clenched and he gulped thickly, his head dropping a little as he folded his arms over his chest. “And you want to know why I didn’t? I didn’t and I asked that nobody did because I didn’t want you to do exactly what you did with Addison which is staying with me only because we were married and you still wish to do the right thing,” she snapped. Derek’s body tensed up, his arms folding up tighter, his gaze finding his wife’s nonetheless, tears in his, a heaviness in his chest he felt he would carry forever. “Because the kids and I deserve more than to be the ones you’re stuck with.” She was not even paying attention to how rude and harsh her words could be, the words were just pouring out of her mouth at that point.
Derek took a massive hit as she said that, and he sure was not going to just stand there and say nothing. “But that’s the thing Meredith, I was stuck then...!” he snapped, unfolding his arms. Meredith’s jaw clenched as she stood back and grew quiet, gulped thickly, stared back at him with tears in her eyes. “I was lost and confused and I was stuck, and I didn’t call because I was ashamed that I had let myself slip so low as to go find comfort in another woman than my very own wife, I mean what kind of husband-” “Did you sleep with her?” Meredith cut him right off. Derek froze into place, a silence settling between them. Deep down, she knew the answer to that, but she needed to actually hear him say it. Out loud. Admit it to her face. This had to be the hardest thing he had to do, but honesty was what he had come to LA for. He wanted to be honest, and after everything Meredith deserved him to be. “Yes,” he breathed out, and he could never explain how much that simple word had hurt, and how much the pain it caused would forever stuck with him. Not even his pain... but the one he saw in the eyes of the woman he loved.
Meredith felt as though it was hitting her all over again. And yet, she stood still and nodded as Derek said the one word that confirmed it all. Yes. Simple, short, straight to the point. A simple word, how could it hurt so bad. It was the most painful thing to be standing there at a small distance, resisting touching her, resisting invading her space before she was ready for him to. He simply could not help to at least try, attempt, at least say her name, just try anything. “Meredith-” he began. But she took a step back and so he let his arms fall down his sides, staring on at her who had broken their gaze and bent her head forward. He gulped thickly. “It’s over,” Derek stated. It took a moment, but Meredith gulped and then moved her head up, her gaze not finding his quite yet but it landed on his lips before it eventually went up. “We were not together, it wasn’t a thing, it just... happened, but it’s over.” Derek stated, and he looked Meredith in the eyes wanting to make sure she caught that. Meredith stared back quietly, a tear streaming down her face that she wiped right off and folded back her arms tight over her chest. “I ended it and I was wrapping things up in D.C. to come home to you when I got a call from Maggie. She said you had taken the kids and left and nobody knew where you were,” Derek stated.
Eyebrow slightly raising up, Meredith gulped thickly. Of course Maggie had called Derek. But the truth was, deep down, she was glad she had. What surprised her though was to hear that Derek had been wrapping things up to come back to Seattle before she had called him. So he had not dropped everything and come to Seattle because someone had called him like she thought. He had actually been planning to come back. That meant something and it was the kids she was relieved for; that their father had been planning to come home like she had been telling them he would. Derek nodded. “I know you’re not your mother,” he stated. Meredith looked right up at him and her eyebrow slightly arched up. She had not been expecting that and she sort of froze into place, staring back at him. “I know I couldn’t have possibly asked for a better mother for my kids, and I’ve always known that. From the moment I met you and knew you were the one I wanted a family with, Meredith,” he stated with a small shake of head and a small smile, a hint of sadness in his eyes, a hint of shame for the words he had once said, too. “You defeat all odds and you make everyone around you better, and the thing is I felt so far from who you needed me to be that being around you was only reminding me that I was failing and I couldn’t stand it, and I’m ashamed of that, that was lame of me, but as many vows as I’ve unwillingly broken from it I am calling post-it here Meredith,” he stated, stepping forward. Her face shifted as Derek mentioned of the post-it, still Meredith stood right where she was and stared back at him. “Zola, Bailey... Ellis,” he began - saying her name sent chills up his spine, it felt so strange and yet so right all at the same time, as though he had always said that when referring to his children, like she had always been there. “Tumors on the walls, and ferry boat scrub caps.” He stated. Meredith gulped thickly, her jaw clenching tighter. “I thought D.C. was everything,” Derek stated. Meredith’s gaze dropped and she tried to hold steady, focusing on keeping her knees locked.
Head lightly shaking, his gaze locked on her, a hint of a smile appeared on his face and tears welled up in his eyes again. “You...” he breathed. His head shaking on, the tears welling up some more, he breathed again, “You...” Meredith’s head moved up as her gaze went back up to find his. “You're everything.” As he saw her gaze finding his, he looked right into her eyes and said, “I love you.” The lump grew in his throat and he just spoke through it, regardless of the tears and his broken voice. “And I’m not going to stop loving you...” His voice broke but it was all there - it could not be more true, more honest. “Meredith, I can’t live without you...” The tears in his eyes and the rawness in his voice could not leave Meredith indifferent, she was not heartless. She could feel his sincerity, his vulnerability. She swallowed thickly as she stared back at him, past the growing lump in her throat. “I don’t want to live without you... And I’m going to do everything in my power to prove it.”
The words, his voice, his vulnerability like she had rarely seen, it all filled this moment. This space between them. The unspoken words and unnamed emotions they both surely felt in this moment as well as these past few months. What Derek had said resonated loud within her and she let it sit for a moment, her gaze falling away, as she just drifted off in thought. Thinking about the past two weeks. Being here, in LA, with Addison and Jake and the kids... the smiles on the kids faces, seeing them being kids again. Thinking back to those last days in Seattle, how everything had been hell and more. Thinking back to all those months running around and doing everything, but also thinking of her family back in Seattle and all they had done to help. She missed their people. She missed the hospital. She was not sure she missed their home because of everything attached to it but she knew that LA was not their home, to the kids or herself. It had been their temporary safe space, but it was not their home. Derek’s words echoed on. I can’t live without you... Her gaze moved up and found Derek’s again, and as it did, a sigh escaped Meredith’s lips. She thought back to when she had sat on that bench with Addison while at the park. And also to when she had sat on her back porch that first night she had dropped in in the middle of the night with her three kids. To where she had been, how broken, how lost. And then she thought of where she stood now. She was not the same. She was not the same, at all.
“I can live without you,” Meredith stated calmly, her head nodding once. Derek was hit with her words and his head tilted and a broken sigh escaped him. It felt like it ripped his heart in two to hear that and yet, he knew she had been doing it without him. But to hear it coming from her mouth, it just hurt so badly. For a moment, Meredith sat there and thought. Thought back to her conversations with Addison, to her worries and questions and doubts. She had spent so many years living in that life of being Meredith and Derek, of shedding the layers of her trust issues and overcoming the baggage of her past that had been thrown upon her by her mother and father and then some. Now she was an accomplished surgeon, a great mother to three perfectly healthy and wonderful children, and she knew it, and she owned it. And in that moment, it almost hit her that maybe all of this, all that had happened, had been the greatest gift somehow, allowing her to find her own outside of their marriage. But then she was also thinking about her children, about her own childhood, growing up in a broken home and only wanting one thing being to be part of a family and not a broken home. That was all she ever wanted for her children, they deserved nothing less than a present mother and father, and a healthy and safe space to grow up into. She thought of Ellis. Her little Ellis who had been her strength to get back up again. Who did not even know her father yet and who deserved to have a stable home and family to grow up into. And so did Zola and Bailey. And so did herself. She wanted a stable home for her family, and that included herself. The one thing she had never had growing up, she wanted for herself now. She just did not know if it would ever be possible to move past this. To get over this.
Swallowing thickly, Meredith felt a rush of exhaustion pass through her and she knew she had to leave. Enough had been said for one night, she had to sit with what he had told her and digest it somehow, and then decide what she wanted to do about it. Could she move past it? Or could she not. “Look,” she breathed out, “It’s getting late, I should get back over there to the kids,” she mentioned, and saying that, part of herself felt so selfish and heartless because those kids he had not seen in forever and surely was dying to see, but she could not bare him seeing them that night. “I know you probably want to see them, but it’s late and honestly, I want to talk to them before you pop up out of nowhere here in LA, it wouldn’t be fair on them to spring you on them like that,” Meredith shook her head, exhaustion on her face and in her voice, she was not trying to be careless about this, she was just exhausted. Derek frowned, but deep down he understood. The concept of springing him on them bothered him, mostly because they would be excited to see him, she even said it herself that they missed him. But he knew better than to push her any further, he understood that this all was a lot for her to digest. He just wished he could do something... and that the last words he would not be left with were I can live without you. But. “I’m not going to keep you away from them. I know you miss them and they miss you, too, I’m not trying to make this harder here, I just, I need to sit and deal with this, and then prepare them... before you see them,” she spoke, her thoughts were all over the place, she was so exhausted she could hardly think straight.
Derek looked at her and wished he could just hold her hands or wrap his arms around her, something, anything. But instead he simply nodded his head and gulped thickly before he said, “Of course. Take all the time you need, just... I want to see them.” He paused and added, “I want to meet Ellis.” Meredith swallowed thickly as he said that; of course she wanted him to meet her, too. There was just so much to process. But Meredith nodded and gulped before she said, “I’ll call you tomorrow, so we can figure something out.” Derek nodded. “I’ll be here,” he shrugged, and it pained him to keep the distance but he did anyway. He just looked at her and stood still, not intruding, not moving an inch. And Meredith stared at him and her gaze dropped as she just felt her head spinning with all of it. She must have zoned out because one moment she was standing there before him in Sam and Naomi’s house, and the next she was standing on Addison’s back porch outside, staring through the back door at her kids playing with Henry down in the living room. And then the back door slid open and Addison stepped into view, and she breathed in and found herself holding her breath.
The entire conversation playing in her mind - her fighting him on everything, him being in a dark place, the bonding, the kiss, the four months long thing, did you sleep together? - yes, the pain in her chest, I know I couldn’t have possibly asked for a better mother for my kids, I am calling post-it, I thought D.C. was everything, you are everything, I can’t live without you and I’m going to do everything in my power to fix it. All of it rushing back in like a whirlwind and Meredith just standing in the middle of the storm. She was not unshakable. She was not unbreakable. She was not as strong as he painted her to be, and in that moment, she felt it. She could feel her body crumbling from all the pressure. Standing before him earlier had been way harder than she ever would have expected, and now that she found herself on the other side of this conversation, of breaking the ice and finally having that conversation, she could feel her body giving up on her. And Addison appearing before her was like giving her body permission to let go. Almost instantly, the tears welled up in her eyes and an ocean of them just poured down her face as her body broke and she fell to her knees, slowly, one leg at a time. Her hands moved up to cover her face slowly and she just let go. Completely.
