It was hard for Addison to focus on the kids and Jake knowing that Meredith was confronting Derek. She had never really done that. They had been done, nothing to save. But she’d been in her shoes before: learning about the other woman, other faults aside; finding the panties in Derek’s jacket when they were supposed to be working on their marriage. The day off for drinking had been much needed. She remembered the way he was with her, but not. The gut wrenching, heart crushing feeling that came with knowing he was only there because of his need to be the good guy. The blank look in his eyes. Addison wondered what he was saying. Derek didn’t have the best track record of listening when he didn’t like what he was hearing.
Jake watched Addison in between keeping the kids busy. He knew they would pick up on any verbal check in. It was subtle, a hand on her shoulder when he got up to grab more vegetables, eye contact while he refilled her wine glass; anything to remind her that they were in all of this together. Jake knew that tonight would be a lot for both women in the house. Even if there were four kids, he could handle it so Addison and Meredith could get through this. Together.
Dinner was a relatively quick affair that ended with the kids playing in the living room. Addison was busying her hands with Ellis. Jake watched the kids as he threw the dishes in the dishwasher. Every so often, his eyes drifted towards the window that looked into Sam’s house. He wasn’t trying to spy, but there was a certain need to check in. Unfortunately, Sam had the blinds mostly closed, giving an obscured view. Addison heated a bottle for the baby, forcing herself to relax. “Where did my mom go?” Zola asked. “Your mom ran over to Sam and Naomi’s for a little bit. She’ll tell you about it later,” Addison answered her. She could see that Zola wasn’t exactly please and wanted to ask her more questions. It wasn’t her place to tell though, so she decided that it was probably best to enlist her help to keep her just as busy. “How about you and I go get Ellis ready for bed?”
Zola’s desire to help and be the best big sister had her darting up the stairs and pulling out several pajamas and sleep sacks. She helped pick out the softest pair, the cutest sleep sack, and Ellis’ favorite pacifier. She watched Addison change her diaper and then helped gently massage lotion into the sensitive skin. Addison led Zola into Henry’s room where they still had a rocking chair. “Here, there’s plenty of room for you to sit with us,” she told her. Zola smiled and squeezed next to Addison, watching her feed the baby. Addison sat there, rocking the sisters. She couldn’t fix all of it, couldn’t undo it, but she could make it less. “Do you think we’re going to go home soon?” Zola whispered. Addison glanced down at her, “Do you want to go home?” Whatever the answer, she would share it with Meredith. Zola leaned into her, “Home makes me miss daddy.” “What would you want, Zo?” “I don’t know. Mommy seems happier here.” Addison shuffled Ellis to one arm and set the now empty bottle on the side table. She wrapped her open arm around Zola, “Your mom is an adult. Adults take care of kids. What do you want?”
Addison knew that this was hard for Zola, the oldest had been stepping up so much. “It’s okay, honey, you can talk to me.” She watched her fidget with her fingers. “I miss daddy, but I want to be wherever mommy feels better. She’s better here.” “Okay,” Addison told her quietly, “Thank you for telling me. Let me handle that for now.” She felt Zola nod against her and rubbed at her eyes. She didn’t know if she was tired, but the small sniffle told her all she needed to know. She sat there rocking the girls for a while longer until she needed to put Ellis down in the bassinet.
The pair returned back downstairs to see an elaborate lego tower that Jake was helping Henry and Bailey build. Addison asked Zola if she wanted to join. Shaking her head, Zola climbed onto the couch and Addison followed her. They picked out something to watch on tv and watched the boys build. The kids were fully preoccupied when Addison glanced over the deck, still needing to check and recheck. She caught the beginning of Meredith walking back over. “Alright kids, pajamas, brush teeth, and find a book to take to bed.” She heard the complaints. “You can have five more minutes, but then there won’t be time for books. Which do you want?” Henry darted to the stairs, not wanting to miss his book time.
Jake glanced over to Addison after the abrupt change in what they were doing; he caught her subtle nod toward the deck. “Alright guys, daddy gets to be the clean up crew tonight. PJ’s, teeth, and books.” He stood up following the two stragglers up the stairs after running his hand through Addison’s hair comfortingly. “I got them, you get her. I’ll be down in a flash if you need anything.” He didn’t know how this would end up going, but he was there and would do whatever he could.
With the kids heading up the stairs, Addison moved quicker than she usually would. She didn’t ask what happened or what he said. That would come in time, but she could tell it had all come out. She had been the one that crumbled, knew what it felt like. As Meredith lowered herself to the ground, Addison mirrored her, keeping herself on the same level. No one needed someone standing over them when it felt like the world was swallowing them whole.
She broke. Meredith broke. Addison was almost surprised. Almost. She’d watched her survive a bomb, near drowning, and heard about so much more. But Derek broke Meredith, more than he’d broken her. Addison knelt on the deck next to her, letting her know that she was there. She wouldn’t leave her alone, not now, not when all of this was happening. There was no rushing, no pushing. Addison sat with her and waited.
IT FELT LIKE HER WORLD WAS crumbling down all over again. Only this time, it was not based on suspicions or her trust issues - it was based on facts and confessions; Derek had cheated on her for four months. Four months. The confirmation hurt beyond words. The suspicions had been one thing, but this… this was so much worse. During those four months, she had been beating herself up for not telling him about the baby. She had taken care of the kids, had faced many walls with her research, handling a department, not missing Zola’s dance classes or forgetting Bailey’s daycare mommy-cooks-a-dessert-for-the-whole-group, all the while squeezing in baby check-ups here and there; she had been exhausted and alone and even then she had been beating herself up for not including Derek into it all, even though he was off in D.C. She had been beating herself up for not being honest while he had been sleeping around with his research fellow. Meredith would feel sick to her stomach if she was not completely besides herself to the point of not even being able to feel sick to her stomach. The truth was, when she had told him that if he ever cheated on her, she would kill him, the truth was if he ever cheated on her, it would kill her. It was.
It hurt in places she did not even know could hurt. Their conversations replayed in her head and it hurt some more. She could still hear him apologizing, like saying sorry would do anything at this point. I don’t hate you, I could never- how could he do this to her if there was not any underlying hatred of some kind, she could never understand. Do you love her? I don’t, Meredith, you- you’re the love of my life. She felt the rush up her spine, like nails scratching a board, that uncomfortable itchiness that one cannot stand. She felt so tensed and yet she had fallen to the floor with her head in her hands and just sat there, so weak.
She could not help but to think about her mother, whom she had once refused to ressemble, and still did in some ways, but as she found herself broken on Addison’s patio, all she could see was her mother completely broken-hearted, bleeding all over the floor after cutting herself, just wanting it all to be over. And it hurt so bad because she knew. She knew the feeling, which she had felt between that last phone call and Ellis’ birth. I know that when I had my legs open, all red-faced, giving birth all by myself with an MIA husband who wouldn’t pick up his calls, I didn’t want to keep doing this. I was done. It hurt so much to even think about. It haunted her. The disgust she felt towards herself to have ever thought about quitting. About giving up on her children, on being there with them along the way. How could she ever think about abandoning them. About not seeing Ellis, or holding her. Ellis had saved her. She had been the light in all the darkness, and the source of strength that pushed Meredith to demand more and better. Because she deserves nothing less, and so did the kids. All three of them.
You’re right, you guys didn’t deserve any of this. I screwed up. I managed to jeopardize the most important thing to me, and that’s you and the kids; my family. His words still rang so loud in her head, it was intrusive and suffocating. Almost like she could not believe it, even though deep down inside her she knew he meant it. She could see it in his eyes. But he had lied to her for months, what guarantee did she have that he was not lying again. He very much could, he had proved it time and time again. For four months. I had everything. Even when she heard him say that she could not believe it. I thought D.C. would fix it somehow. I’d be brain mapping and teaching and researching, working for the President of the United States, it was all I’d ever dreamed of, more even, and I thought it would fill something, that it’d fill this emptiness I felt inside. It hurt to hear he had been feeling empty and Meredith could not help but to feel guilt creeping up inside her. It felt like things had not been enough. Not even work. Like she had not been enough. Like the kids and their family had not been enough. I never wanted to leave you guys behind, but I couldn’t stand being angry with you and lashing out on you guys, and the last thing I wanted was to ever lash out on the kids. The thing was there is a difference between going for a walk and going across the states for months without giving much news, and then going off cheating.
Because her dad ran away and her mom just had a baby by herself. That was pretty much what happened. To herself, to her mother, to Maggie. Her father had not tried to look for her. Richard had turned away from her mother. Her mother had done her best, the best she could in that moment, had taken off with her and started off a new life, had Maggie and gave her away. In ways, she had done more for Maggie than she had ever done for her. But she had tried, Meredith knew her mother had tried. Meredith might have stayed in Seattle with the kids instead of following Derek but she had kept things going, she had tried, and she had made it work. She had done what she had said she would. She had set a system into place, had gotten the help she needed. She had not ignored her responsibilities and left it all up to the other to be the parent to her kids while she was off sleeping with someone else. The worst part was that while he was off doing that, Meredith had been defending him, she had defended him! She had made sure the kids knew their daddy loved them and would be home soon, she had defended him while he was in bed with his research fellow. Meredith was fuming, but then she was not because she was too hurt and overwhelmed to welcome any other feeling at the moment. She was not even able to be angry in that instant. She was just trying to breathe between the waves of tears.
And all she could hear on repeat was him saying it did not mean anything, but it meant something. It meant everything. He had cheated on her. Did you sleep with her? Yes. The rush up her spine, her stomach in knots. He had done it. After all they had gone through, all they had survived. She did not know if she could get past this.
Her hands slowly slid off her face and her breathing somehow evened out. She felt absolutely exhausted, and yet she could not fathom even the idea of sleeping. Too much was going on, too much processing had to be done, she could never sleep. But she was exhausted. She had no idea how she would process all of this. If she could. But she knew that Addison’s presence by her side was making her feel less alone trying to figure that out. Having her knelt down on the deck floor right beside her, waiting patiently for her to decide what she wanted to do next. Not rushing her, not telling her what to do either. Just giving her the space and liberty to figure it out. Just like she had for weeks now. It could have been hard going through this with her given the background, but it honestly made it easier.
As her hands fell on her lap, Meredith sitting on her folded legs straightened up her back a little and gulped thickly as she allowed herself a moment to breathe and to collect her thoughts enough to share with Addison what she was thinking in that moment. She knew Addison surely wondered what they had talked about over there, but would never ask Meredith anything or force her to say anything she was not ready to share. And while she was not sure talking about it would make her feel better, she felt a need to share the big lines with Addison, maybe get her return on it, maybe help her see through this, give her something to hold onto, a path to take, anything. Honestly she would take anything at this point, she was completely lost.
“He cheated on me with his research fellow,” Meredith slipped out, straight like that. No sugar-coating, no holding back words. She just had to let it out as it was. The next part hurt so much even to think about. “It went on for four months,” she said, and her mouth shut and she felt the lump growing in her throat. She swallowed thickly past it and just sat there for a moment before her head turned in Addison’s direction and her gaze found her. And she just stared at her for a moment, just looked into her eyes, and then her head turned back to its previous position and she swallowed thickly. “She knew he was married, she knew about me and the kids,” she spoke, and then she turned her head back to look at Addison and muttered, “She is who answered the phone.”
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