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On having routine and building habit

As the new-year-resolutions season approaching, I want to mention a lesser discussed aspect of having new routines and building new habits: sometimes, it still feels hard no matter how long you do it. Sometimes the deeds still feel uncomfortable even when you know what to expect and you do it everyday, from the thought of starting to do it, to the step-by-step process of doing it. I guess when people say "it gets easier", they mean the routine becomes a apart of you and you know you can get through it no matter how vein-popping difficult or soul-draining boring it is, but not without a concerted endeavour.

I recently build a new routine of waking up at 6 or earlier and hitting the gym. It's been 2 months already. The waking up early is not much of a problem, it does feel easier as there are less and less inertia and burdening thoughts about getting things going (actually the hard part is sleeping earlier, oof). The heavy work, however, is still relatively heavy. I still huff and puff doing all those exercise routines, still doubt myself if I ever get "better" when i fail to pull more weights. Some days, there is no catharsis even though the numbers are positive. But I still show up as much as I can. It's just the way I feel I guess.

I remember back in day 5 or 6, I was doing this HIIT exercise that involved a lot of jumping, which is the bane of my existence. I have a personal trainer so I know there is no question of safety for me to not do that routine. But knowing that did not negate the pain or the loneliness when I actually went through it. My body wasn't screaming, it was begging for mercy. The laziness (or whatever you can call it) was punching and kicking in my chest, hoping to escape this frailing vessel. There was no motivational words, no mental gymnastics, no sweet nothings to distract me from the fact that I can feel time coursing through my face in hot droplets. When all thoughts fail, what's left was "Let this be the lowest point I will ever feel in my journey". And it was, in a way. I never feel as low as that point in exercise ever since. I tottered through, and i was through.

There are still days where even after I have mustered up the mental energy to keep it going, it still does not feel good. In fact there are more of those days than not, for the past 2 months at least. But all that is not to say it's all suffering. I don't mean to paint all efforts for a routine and habit as soulless. If you can feel easier and more delightful to perform a routine, congratulations! You have the ability to love what you do. That's beautiful. But if you don't, it's OK. It is not a "wrong" feeling to have and it's still the right thing to pursue. Maybe you can't grow to love every moment of "the task" any more than you have, but it's possible to gain a new found love for the fact that you show up, of you doing, you being, regardless of whatever objects following these verbs are. And really, who to say that kind of love is not sacred enough to try.

#grit #new year resolutions #journaling #building routine #building habit #2022

Cycling to Teshima Art Museum

#teshima #Kagawa #Setouchi triennial

Shima Kitchen - Teshima

"We are the artwork"

When I was on the Setouchi Triennale 2022 trip with Yuhan and Xiaoman and Eve on August, I asked Yuhan: "You've been here in the Spring already. Now you're back for the summer season of the festival, is there anything different? Does any artwork move you this time?". He said: "I already told you, I'm not here for the artwork, not this time. This is the first time Xiaoman and I go on travel in a group of 4, with you and Eve. I'm here to experience that. That is something I look forward to and care about in this trip. Don't you see Holly? We are the artwork."

Such simple and earnest words evoke something in me. "We are the artwork" - the people, us, the experience of us being together at this time, at this place. It is something to be marveled at, a kind of installation art that cannot be replicated with someone else, at some other place, some other time. An impermanent beauty.

"We are the artwork". Each of us. Yuhan with his sustainable, community-based vision and brave entrepreneurship. Xiaoman with her artistic sensibility and creative endeavors. Eve has her cordiality, inquisitiveness and spiritedness. And me. I am an artwork. Why not? I am kind. I am understanding, especially when it comes to culture and customs. I am not quick to judge. When I love something, I would ready to ache for it. I care for people's heart and mind. I am meticulous. I care about what we leave behind, what the next would inherit from my actions. I care about the bonds and community and families. I care about friends. I have deep respect for craftmanship. I like to romanticize the ordinary people and the humble lives, but at the same time I am also realistic and sensible enough to understand the system, how money can be used and what the imbalance of power can bring. I want to dream big, want to venture far. I want to make impact. Am I not an art? Yes I am.

I want to make people see they themselves their own way of living a life is a piece of artwork too. If there's one thing I takeaway from APU, that is "diversity", which is to say "there are many ways to live a life and each beautiful life has so much to teach one another".

#journaling #i am #the people #my friends

bestyouuniveristy

Stop reducing yourself in an attempt to be liked by people who would otherwise be intimidated by you. Instead, seek to connect with people who marvel at your personality and achievements.

#positive mental attitude #motivational quotes #motivation #encouragement #inspiration #positive thoughts #mental health #positivity

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The show must go on: Pushing through fear and embarrassment

"If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"

On the last class of Dr. Chen's Special Lecture, it was a presentation session of 33 groups for their final project report. For me, it was a chance to make an impression with Dr. Chen and to make myself proud for pouring my effort and intention into a project. Even though I didn't have the best teamwork there was for this project, I did not mind because I thoroughly wanted to focus on delivering this project as best as I could possibly do. I brainstormed all the big ideas for the project, mobilized people, initiated talks, designed the power point, stayed up late to prepare for the presentation, etc. Nonetheless, I did badly, so badly. Firstly, the order of the presentation group changed and I did not show up on time. My group was group 16 out of 33. I thought I would have an hour or so before it was our turn to present, so I was having extra sleep time because I have stayed up so late the other day for the power point and script. The instructor altered the order, starting from the middle group towards the end then back to the top, so my group 16 started in the 2nd position. I did not wake up on time, my groupmates and classmates had to ring my phone and even my roommate's DM. It was embarrassing. Second, I presented in panic because I couldn't find my presentation script. Imagine me, presenting with another teammate with composure and preparation, while being flustered and overtime myself, in a class of 170+ students. The contrast was almost murderously unbearable.

The feeling of high expectations on myself and my performance has long since appeared on my mind, if I be honest with myself. The higher your expectation is, the more painful the failure would be. So, I have rarely been intentional with my performance in the past, but not this time. I didn't expect to excel over other teams in the presentation. I wanted to earn the sense of belonging in that class, the sense that I know what I was doing and to strive for excellence much like my peers. That was and always have been my goal. Immediately after the failed presentation, I was devastated. I was shaking and screaming. My failed presence was so loud, not least that was the last class, last chance of seeing everyone. I ruminated on how I betrayed my ideas and effort, my teammates, my expectations, my health (I was heavily sleep-deprived and hungry), for nothing in the end. I felt so out of place.

If I poured my effort into making a good presentation but then delivered a bad performance, would my effort matter in the end from the start?

After some time and some presentations went by, I finally was able to gather my composure. I lost my chance with presenting my team's report, but I still have the report itself. I cannot beat myself into giving up on the whole course. Besides, I have made it this far not to just make it this far. I have put a lot of thoughts and consideration into this course. I cannot let me flustered and panic be the last image people see of me. A lot of thoughts went through my mind that day. But all of them led to the thought of action:

One moment cannot define you forever, so you must act to create the moment that would define you!

After the presentation, I talked to my team, apologized to them, and we agreed to move on with the report. I still gave my effort in the report, leading the team in meetings, designing the report format, even accepting to alter my initial big idea so we can be on a par with each other in the writing process. In the end, we are done with the report and it looks coherent and pleasant-looking. The process was bumpy, but I have learned so much in the process. And that's what matters most!

A final thought for the final class: You will never be disappointed for giving your all! The road to become yourself is long, please have patience and believe in yourself. And more often than not, you are not alone. There are friends, professors, strangers, etc. to support you, consult you, mentor you, sooth you when you ask for it. I ask you not to close yourself off of the chance for growth and love. After all, isn't that the biggest lesson we all should learn in this class about Resilience and Grit?

To answer the beginning question

The tree will make a sound, even if nobody heard it, simply because it could have been heard.

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Reminder for the panic hazy mind

Just in case another crisis of self-esteem arises, here are some friendly reminders on how to overcome it (to be regularly updated):

Scribble anything immediately: While the wound is still fresh, write down whatever is on your mind. Your mind would be a mess. Writing it down is a way to organize your thoughts. So, no matter how ugly or nonsensical your thoughts are at the time of crisis, you must jot down some lines for your own sake.

Journal your thought process: After the initial panic phase, there will be other phases or thoughts coming up. Write down your process so you can predict your brain's moves next time.

Remember your good attributions: You are not your bad moments!

Remember your support system: You are not alone! Your friends love you and will be there when you ask them too. And you need help. You need new vibes.

Remember the long road you've taken: You will not perish because of this. You have changed, is changing, and will change. This is just one point in the long road.

One good advice from Cece: "The first thought you have is the thought everyone would also have. The second thought you have is the thought you set back and examine from your core values. That thought is your true thought, your true self". Train your brain!

#resilience #grit #mypost #personal