"You are a Pipe Dream"

Oh, you wanted a description?

[thearoacewriter]

Are You Bored Yet?

ao3

What’s wrong?

You’ve been asking but I don’t have an answer

Neil looks a million miles away from everything. He gazes off into the distance, cigarette held loosely between his fingers. Andrew grabs it before it falls. That seems to startle Neil back to reality. Andrew takes a huff of the cigarette and gives Neil a quizzical look. Neil sighs, but stays quiet.

Usually, Andrew wouldn’t pry, but this mood has lasted for a couple of days now. He thinks staying quiet and waiting for Neil to become his normal self again won’t work this time. He’s worried, not that he’d ever say it out loud. Not like he ever could. He has a problem with saying the things he means. Perhaps this would be a small start.

“Neil,” Andrew says, his voice as soft as he could manage it. Neil tears his eyes away from the skyline to face Andrew. Andrew hesitates for a moment before asking, “What’s wrong?”

Neil doesn’t answer. Or maybe it’s that he doesn’t have an answer. Andrew’s no stranger to this type of mood. Sometimes, your whole body feels heavy and you can’t do anything about it. That didn’t stop Andrew from wishing he could cut the emotion out of Neil’s body like it was a tumor. But he knows it doesn’t work like that. Instead, he puts out the cigarette, flicks it off the roof, and stands up, holding out a hand for Neil.

Over the years, they’d gotten more comfortable with touching one another. Now, in Andrew’s final year at Palmetto State, they do it all the time when they’re alone. Neil takes his hand and doesn’t let go once he’s on his feet. Though, Andrew doesn’t move toward the door like Neil thought he would.

“Yes or no,” he asks. Because he always asks even though Neil keeps telling him it’s always a yes. Neil nods, words taking too much effort at the moment. Instead of kissing him, Andrew hugs him, strong arms wrapped tightly around Neil’s waist.

It’s new. They’ve never hugged like this before. Sure, there were moments when they were cuddled up next to each other in bed, but it’s never been like this. Like Andrew was trying to heal something that broke inside Neil a long time ago.

Neil hugs back, sighing as buries his face in Andrew’s hair.

When we get old, will we regret this?

Too young to think about all that shit

“Do you think you’ll ever regret this?” Neil asks.

There it is.

“Regret what?”

“This. Us,” Neil explains. “Like, when we’re older, do you think you’ll regret being up here on the roof with me all these times?”

“You know I don’t regret things,” Andrew said. “Besides, we’re too young to think about all that shit. I don’t like to think that far ahead.”

‘Cause we could stay at home and watch the sunset

But I can’t help from asking, “Are you bored yet?”

And if you’re feeling lonely you should tell me

Before this ends up as another memory

Will you tell the truth so I don’t have to lie?

Neil sighs. “I mean, yeah. Staying home and watching the sunset is nice and fun for me. I love it. But I keep thinking… you said a long time ago that I was interesting.”

“You are,” Andrew says without missing a beat.

“Then, you said nothing holds your interest for long. I just… I can’t help asking if you’re bored of me yet.”

Andrew pulls back from the hug to look up at Neil. He catches his chin in between his fingers and rolls his eyes. “Idiot.”

“I’m serious, Andrew,” Neil says. “If you’re feeling… not the same about me. Tell me.”

Andrew examines his face for a moment. “Where is all this coming from?”

“Nowhere,” Neil says, averting his gaze.

“I thought we were past you lying to me.”

Feels like I’ve known you my whole life

I can see right through your lies

I don’t know where we’re going

But I’d like to be by your side

Neil stays silent, looking down at his beat up sneakers.

Andrew shakes his head. “We’ve been together for how long, Josten? You don’t think I can tell when you’re spouting bullshit?”

Neil closed his eyes, breathing in deeply. “You’re graduating in a month,” he says quietly.

Oh, Andrew thinks, so this is what it’s all about.

“And?”

“And,” Neil says. “I don’t- things are gonna be different.” He runs a hand through his hair and looks out at the sky again. “I don’t know. We’ve been in the same place for four years. That’s the longest I’ve stayed in one place without anything around me changing.”

“What are you talking about? Of course things have changed. You’re the captain of the Foxes now. Dan and Matt and Renee and Allison, they’ve all graduated. Nicky moved to Germany-”

“Okay, okay,” Neil cuts him off. “I get your point.”

“So, what’s the problem then?”

“I don’t want things to be different between us,” Neil says.

Andrew lets out a breath, clearly annoyed. “You think I would’ve let us go on for three years if I thought we were gonna split the moment I graduated, junkie?”

“Well-”

“No, shut up. I don’t want to hear anything else from you,” Andrew says and promptly pulls Neil in for a kiss. Neil, surprised, holds onto his shoulders for support. When they break apart, Andrew wipes his mouth with his sleeve. He takes a deep breath. There’s more emotion shown on his face than Neil had ever seen. He almost has to take a step back.

“Listen to me. Are you listening?” Andrew asks. Neil nods. “Take out the key.”

Neil tilts his head, confused.

“The key to my new apartment. I know you have it on you.”

Neil digs it out of his pocket and holds it in his palm. Andrew bites his lip and hesitantly folds Neil’s hand over it, holding his hand over Neil’s as well. It was a day for new steps, Neil guessed. It was almost romantic. Them, standing on the roof at sunset, hands wrapped around the same object. An object that meant home.

“I don’t know where we’re going,” Andrew starts. “I’m going to New York. You’re going god knows where after you graduate next year. I know some teams have already started scouting you, but…” He sighs and puts some space between the two of them. A breeze glides over them, ruffling their hair, billowing through their loose t-shirts. “We’ll be fine. I have to stay with you to make sure you don’t get yourself killed.”

Neil sees passed the mocking tone and smiles. He hears the true meaning of Andrew’s words. I’ll stay by your side. He feels his heart swell in his chest.

Andrew turns back to face Neil, the glow of the setting sun dousing him in gold. “Stop looking at me like that,” he says.

But Neil doesn’t listen. He continues to stare at Andrew like he hung the moon. Neil pressed the teeth of the keys deeper into his palm. A reminder that him and Andrew would be okay no matter how far apart they’d be.

Andrew rolled his eyes. “Junkie.”

And with that word, Neil knew everything was going to be fine.

Will you tell the truth so I don’t have to lie?

[hipster--angel]

Sharks don’t infest the water // background

[byjosten]

a wise man (neil josten) once said, “wouldn’t you rather die trying than never try at all?” and I never want to forget that

[meanie-boy-minyard]

This blog is amazing! I was wondering if you’d ever heard the song Can you keep a secret by Ellise? They lyrics give me Andreil vibes all the way

I gotchu anon! Sorry it took a while!

Can You Keep a Secret by Ellise

Characters: Andrew Minyard, Neil Josten, Kevin Day (barley)

Trigger Warning(s): References to each character’s past

“So much on my brain, don't know if you can take itYour heart is fragile, baby, I don't wanna break it”

Andrew Minyard is always thinking, he can’t forget anything even if he wanted to. There is no denying that Andrew Minyard cares. He knows that Neil has made his home in him and there is no doubt that he might be scared worried concerned about the fact that he might ruin that for Neil- he might ruin Neil. 

”If you know my sins, will you still trust me?If I let you in, will you still love me?”

There is no doubt that Andrew Minyard has done his fair share of *cough cough* illegal activities. The specific line that says “will you still trust me” I see it less of a real question and more of a taunt. A sarcastic message to maybe initiate intimidation but I guarantee you Neil saw the real question behind it. Not necessarily “will you trust me” but more of “are you going to give me a chance?” 

Adding on to that, Andrew Minyard is not one to let people in. Once their not-a-thing-thing happened, he thinks. He thinks that there is no way Neil “Junkin” Josten will love be with him forever.

“Can you keep a secret? I've got skeletons that coming out the closetThe hands around my throat don't want me to be honestIf you know my sins, will you still trust me?”

Neil Josten is a liar by nature. He has secrets that no one knows about. All the people that he was running from made him feel the need to lie. How could he tell the truth if he was running from everyone? He has done wrong. How could Andrew trust him like that?

“If I let you in, will you still love me? I see monsters in my bedI got screws loose in my head”

Andrew has a lot of issues, several boundaries, and it makes him believe that no one would ever want to put up with him because of this.

“If I show you inside me, the ghost in my mindWill you treat me like your friends?”

Neil Josten loves his friends and he would fight for his friends until the end of time. Neil Josten would not only die for his friends, but he would live for them. Andrew, even though his apathetic mask, might not believe that Neil would stick around through all the trouble.

“I gotta knowCan you keep a secret? Look me in my eyes and see what I've been hiding”

Neil Josten lied. He kept secrets and shared half-truths. Andrew looked Neil in the eye thoroughly enough to notice he wore contacts. He knew when Neil was lying- he could see it in his eyes.

“Don't act surprised you know I've always hated lying”

Need I explain?

“Gave your heart and soul to me to take itYou're the one who said, nothing could change it “

Neil Josten may have given Kevin Day is game, but he gave his back to Andrew and has Andrew’s back, but besides all that Neil gave Andrew everything else about him. His truths, his good side, his bad side, his trust.

“I see monsters in my bed”

Andrew with his nightmares.

“I got screws loose in my head”

Neil with his general Neil-ness.

“If I show you inside me, the ghost in my mindWill you treat me like your friends?I gotta know”

Andrew generally wanting to know if he can trust Neil.

“Can you keep a secret?”

Neil wanting to know too.

[meanie-boy-minyard]

Run Boy Run by Woodkid

Characters: Neil Josten, Mary Hartford, 

Trigger Warning(s): N/A

Before I get into the lyrics, can I just mention how this already screams Neil I mean, the poor kid spent most his life early life on the run!

“Run boy run! This world is not made for you

Run boy run! They're trying to catch you

Run boy run! Running is a victory

Run boy run! Beauty lays behind the hills

Run boy run! The sun will be guiding you

Run boy run! They're dying to stop you

Run boy run! This race is a prophecy

Run boy run! Break out from society”

Neil’s mother always told him to run. She was constantly telling him how someone would find him and kill him. How he had to keep running and never stop, that running was the only way to survive. Imagine that in this scene is Neil in a dream, or in a panic attack, he is remembering how it was, the words his mother growled in his ear the entire time they were running, even when she was dying, even when Neil didn’t know she was dying.

“Tomorrow is another day, and you won't have to hide away”

I feel that this is still Neil talking to himself. Before he meets the foxes, before he is told he has a home, it is just Neil, Mary, and the road. Neil is telling himself that one day, he can stop running. That one day he will be able to just live his life, before:

“You'll be a man, boy! But for now it's time to run, it's time to run! 

Run boy run! This ride is a journey to

Run boy run! The secret inside of you

Run boy run! This race is a prophecy

Run boy run! And disappear in the trees”

Neil’s mother cuts in. He is still on the run, he still isn’t free, he still has to keep running and he just isn’t out yet. But he has to keep reminding himself:

“Tomorrow is another day, and you won't have to hide away, you'll be a man, boy! But for now it's time to run, it's time to run!”

Marry dies. Neil is on his own and there are still people chasing him. He will be free to live and grow one day, but Neil doesn't know that. He has to keep running, but he still hopes. That's what keeps him running.

“Tomorrow is another day and when the night fades away you'll be a man, boy! But for now it's time to run, it's time to run!”

[meanie-boy-minyard]

Dear Diary by MikelWJ

Characters: Allison Reynolds, the Foxes, Renee Walker

Trigger Warning(s): Mentions of eating disorder, reference to abuse, references to self-harm,

“Dear Diary

Today was a long day in school and I haven't really eaten anything yet today

But I guess that's good

I just wanted to write something real quick before I go off to bed

So here it goes”

It’s known that Allison Reynolds starved herself in order not to gain muscle so that she could continue playing Exy. Maybe, to help her get through it, she kept a diary.

“Dear diary

I'm fourteen and I always feel so nervous

Tell me why is it that everyone is so perfect

While I feel so worthless, and they look so happy

While lately for me, my mood has been crappy

And I have come to believe all the things that I'm seeing

On magazines and TV, of every single perfect being

All the girls with perfect bodies, and such amazing skin

Oh how I would kill to live the life that they are in”

The media she is seeing online is influencing her to believe that she has to be perfect. Add on top of that, that her parents don’t exactly care about her well being all too much. They just want to keep up their image. Maybe- most likely- she just wishes she could be like all the other girls. Playing whatever sport as they wish and their parents caring more about their children than their image.

“I've been trying to lose weight over that past couple of weeks

Throwing up after meals, on the rare times that I eat

But that isn't enough, I still need to do much more

To get this guy to notice me, people wonder what for”

We know that in the AFTG they mentioned how Allison was on and off, part of her personal image was always having a man on hand (until Seth died). 

“There's so much room in my tummy that it isn't funny

I don't wanna be people's dummy, but either way I feel dumpy

Most of the time I am left here, thinking to myself

Oh god is this worth it, or do I need some help”

There have probably been times in Allison's life where she wanted to feel normal. She wanted to be able to just /be/ like all the other girls. She spent days and nights wondering if all this pain and all the suffering was even worth it.

“Like

I've been used by guys, I've been hurt by girls”

Allison is so bi, I mean common guys, there is no doubt about it.

“I've been hit by my mom, and cursed by the world

So I keep losing weight, just trying to be perfect

I'm waiting for somebody to tell me that I'm worth it”

Allison always just wanted to belong somewhere. She wanted to feel like she belonged. She was hurt over and over again by her family, she lost weight and didn’t gain muscle, she wanted so badly for someone to be genuinely proud of her, she would starve for it.

And then the Foxes came along… 

“You're not alone(repeat 9x)”

 The Foxes became her family one way or another. They showed her that she was not alone, that she was worth it and that she is so much more than what her parents made her out to be. They stood by her, they fought for her, they believed in her.

“I'm twenty-three and just ran across my old diary

I opened it up but I really don't know what inspired me

To do this, but I was instantly in tears

To think of how lost I was during those young years”

One day in the future, she stumbles across her diary. She sees how lost she was before she found the Foxes- her family. She realized how much she has grown since that time where she was more than willing to lose everything.

“We got a small house, a nice car and a good life

But my arms are still scarred from using my own knife”

There was a line before this but I elected to ignore it, seeing as I am a Renison shipper and you can fight me. But I imagine Allison had gone through life the hard way and she most likely did not come out the other end whole.

“But [s]he accepts me how I am, and [s]he knows about my past

And after all that, [s]he still says that we're gonna last

And I love [her], I love [her], I love [her] with all my heart

I honestly couldn't take it if we ever got pulled apart”

Renee helped Allison through it. They both have grown so much together and were able, not to let go of their past, but to grow from it. Allison, like everyone else, has her bad days because she is human, but Renee helps her through it.

“If I could say one thing to me at age fourteen

It would be that you'll find a guy[or girl] who will treat you like a queen

It gets better than it is, don't worry about your size

And never think you're alone, someone out there hears your cries”

She knows now that she is not alone. The Foxes taught her that and she will never, ever let them go. Especially not Renee.

“Saying

I've been used by guys, I've been hurt by girls

I've been hit by my mom, and cursed by the world

So I keep losing weight, just trying to be perfect

I'm waiting for somebody to tell me that I'm worth it

You're not alone(repeat 9x)”

_______________

Song requested by @all-for-the-gay

[meanie-boy-minyard]

TEEN IDLE by MARINA AND THE DIAMONDS (id say please but that's illegal in this Christian Minecraft server)

Tis illegal, you are correct lol, enjoy!

___________

Teen Idle by Marina and the Diamonds

Characters: Andrew Minyard, Aaron Minyard, Nicky Hemmick, Coach Wymack, the Foxes, Renee Walker, Betty Dobson, Kevin Day, Neil Josten

Trigger Warning(s): Mentions of abuse, depression, reference to possible self-harm, brief mentions of rape, mentions withdrawal

“I wanna be a bottle blonde,” 

Bottle blonde: Having light blond hair, appearing/is artificially lightened

“I don't know why but I feel conned, I wanna be an idle teen, I wish I hadn't been so clean”

He feels like life scammed him- and having that insight to Andrew, we can imagine why. Adding onto that, he was never a normal teenager. When he started getting abused from his different foster homes, he must have felt that he wished he hadn’t been so naive to fall into their traps or if he did fall into them, be able to get himself out of them. But, the abuse happened, and he couldn’t stop it. And after that, Andrew falls into depression.

“ I wanna stay inside all day, I want the world to go away”

His depression causes him to not want to interact with the world, or anyone around it, most likely in subconscious fear that they will hurt him too. 

“I want blood, guts, and chocolate cake, I wanna be a real fake”

Andrew loves his knives and his sweets. And ironic yet iconic match. The section I feel we should really look at and notice is the last part about being a real fake. Andrew, even though he does not like being lied to, lie everyday in a way. His blank face hides his emotions most of the time. Neil has said so before, that Andrew has gotten angry or had a darkness go over his eyes that only he notices. Keep in mind, Neil is very observant because he has to be.

“Yeah, I wish I'd been, I wish I'd been, a teen, teen idle, Wish I'd been a prom queen, fighting for the title, Instead of being sixteen and burning up a bible, Feeling super, super, super suicidal”

In the books, we have obviously seen that Andrew did not have the most healthy methods. In fact, he even admitted in the books to be “self-destructive not stupid.” (That was Andrew, right? Was that even in the actual books? I’ve read way too much fan fiction to remember.)As for the bible part, we all know Andrew doesn't follow a religion. 

“The wasted years, the wasted youth, The pretty lies, the ugly truth, And the day has come where I have died”

Most of Andrew’s younger life was spent just surviving. Barley at that. When was told beautiful fairytales of this wonderful world but he got the crushing reality that not everyone gets a happily ever after. He might’ve in a way, already considered himself dead.

“Only to find, I've come alive”

Enter Aaron Minyard. Enter Nicky Hemmick. Enter Wymack. Enter the Foxes. Enter Renee Walker. Enter Betty Dobson. Enter Kevin Day. Enter Neil Josten.

All these things, even if he would never admit it out loud, gave him a reason to stay alive and keep going, be it through a promise or just by being there, and helping when they didn’t have to. Even if he hurt them, fought against them, even if they had to be pulled back by another. Andrew was given a reason to stay alive, and the opportunity to thrive.

“I wanna be a virgin pure, A twenty-first-century whore, I want back my virginity, So I can feel infinity”

Even though he was given a reason to keep going, there were still memories. Things were taken away from him without choice, without consent. Even if he doesn't actively think it 24/7, at least sometimes he had to of/does long to have been able to make that choice- like one should- by himself. He wants to be able to make that choice, make that sexual aspect of his life a personal choice rather than a boundary-  a plain full of landmines with the map drawn on his arms over, and over again.

“I wanna drink until I ache, I wanna make a big mistake, I want blood, guts, and angel cake”

He goes to Edens he drinks and cracker dust, but before that he goes to Sweeties which legit has the word “sweet” in the title. He has this anger stored inside him that he wants to release but he can’t just go and fight any random person so Renee is his fighting partner. The spar when either side needs to release that energy, it also gives a space for Andrew to just be able to talk in a different way he can with Bee. Renee doesn't have to be there and listen and respect, but she does.

“I'm gonna puke it anyway”

Withdrawls. Andrew went off his meds every game, when he went to Eden’s when he simply did not want to be doped up.

“Yeah, I wish I'd been, I wish I'd been, a teen, teen idle, Wish I'd been a prom queen, fighting for the title, Instead of being sixteen and burning up a bible, Feeling super, super, super suicidal, The wasted years, the wasted youth”

“The pretty lies, the ugly truth”

“And the day has come where I have died, Only to find, I've come alive, Come alive, I've come alive”

Again, as said before, he felt lost- he was lost. Then he found his family, his friends, his partner, his therapist, his reason to stay alive and keep going and keep fighting. That's not to say there weren't any bumps in the road, everyone has their bad days, sure. But he kept going nonetheless.

“I wish I wasn't such a narcissist, I wish I didn't really kiss, The mirror when I'm on my own”

Andrew thinks about himself a lot. Not in a snobby way, but in the manner that he knows his boundaries and if you don’t respect them you may end up with a knife in your gut. 

“Oh God, I'm gonna die alone, Adolescence didn't make sense, A little loss of innocence, The ugliness of being a fool, Ain't youth meant to be beautiful?”

Andrew, before Neil came in and he got to know him, never thought he would find a partner. One that would respect his boundaries, that would look at Andrew and see ‘human’ and not ‘monster’. Someone that would not flinch

“Yeah, I wish I'd been, I wish I'd been, a teen, teen idle, Wish I'd been a prom queen, fighting for the title, Instead of being sixteen and burning up a bible, Feeling super, super, super suicidal, The wasted years, the wasted youth, The pretty lies, the ugly truth”

Again, just a reminder that no matter how much progress Andrew has, sometimes the bad days win over the good ones. He was lied to, hurt, and abandoned.

“And the day has come where I have died, Only to find, I've come alive, Only to find, I've come alive, Only to find, I've come alive”

“All our lives”

He thought everything was hopeless, but then relief came. There were ups and downs, but for the first time in his life, Andrew Minyard was ready to finally, finally thrive in his existence.

“(Feeling super, super, super)

(Feeling super, super, super)

(Feeling super, super, super)

All our lives”

[meanie-boy-minyard]

I accidentally posted it to the wrong blog and so many issues, but here you go!

Happy Pills by Weathers

Characters: Andrew Minyard, Aaron Minyard, Neil Josten

Trigger Warning(s): Medication

“I take my pills and I’m happy all the time, I’m happy all the time, I’m happy all the time”

Andrew was on court-mandated anti-psychotic pills.

[skipped lines due to Andrew’s homosexuality]

“We can go to my house if you wanna, Hang out in the bedroom, lose your honor, Even if they find us, we’re apathetic, And they can’t take that away.”

It is a known fact that Andrew (before Neil) would go to Edens with ‘The Monsters’, hook up with men that would follow his directions- mainly Roland- and when doing so he would come off his drugs. Of course, we all know that when Andrew comes off his drugs he becomes apathetic- at least to most people.

“I take my pills and I’m happy all the time, I’m happy all the time, I’m happy all the time”

Again, just like his vicious grin reminds us, we are reminded that he is on these awful pills.

“The voices in my right brain are kinda funny, They tell me “take a deep breath, it’s all sunny” But where I leave the lights on, It’s so obvious that my life’s pretty plain.”

Although Andrew is better at acknowledging his problems, he still ignores a lot of his issues or downsizes them. Andrew works on the mindset that ‘I’m used to it so it doesn't hurt so bad’ while still acknowledging that it’s not right.

“I take my pills and I’m happy all the time, I’m happy all the time, I’m happy all the time”

Remember that awful grin?

Enter Neil Josten…

“We take strange things to feel normal, We take strange things to feel normal, We take strange things to feel normal, To feel normal, to feel normal.”

In comes Neil Josten. We remember the oh-so-famous line “You were supposed to be a side effect of the drugs.” And in his drug-induced mania, Andrew *feels* something different and we can just imagine how stressful that can be.

“I take my pills and I’m happy all the time, I’m happy all the time, I’m happy all the time, I love my [boy] but [he] ain’t worth the price, [he] ain’t worth the price, no [he] ain’t worth the price”

While he is on these pills, he refuses to trust Neil or even get close to Neil. Especially not in his drug-induced mania. He -after figuring out that Neil was not a threat- wanted to get closer to Neil, but not while being constantly high and while he had the deal with Aaron. At the time, Neil was not worth the price.

[meanie-boy-minyard]

Venus by Sleeping At Last

Characters: Andrew Minayrd, Neil Josten, Betsy “Bee” Dobson,

Trigger Warning(s): Mentions of Past Abuse, Brief Mention of Sexual Advances if you squint your eyes

“The night sky once ruled my imagination. Now I turn the dials with careful calculation. After a while, I thought I'd never find you.”

While Andrew was being transferred from one foster home from the next, he would always hope for something more. In those faster homes, he was abused in more forms than one. He was hurt over and over again and it served as training wheels to form him to who he is now. He carefully watches what he says, where he goes, who is around him, who is he bringing, who is he keeping? After a while, he believed that he would never find someone to be with who would respect his boundaries. “I convinced myself that I would never find you, when suddenly I saw you.”

And he meets Neil Josten, but he’s on his drugs…

“At first I thought you were a constellation.”

We all remember that famous line, “You were supposed to be a pipe dream.”

“I made a map of your stars, then I had a revelation: You're as beautiful as endless, You're the universe I'm helpless in. An astronomer at my best When I throw away the measurements. Like a telescope, I will pull you so close 'til no space lies in between, and suddenly I see you.”

There are headcanons that Andrew maps out Neil scars and recalling that Andrew has perfect memory, this wouldn’t be hard to believe at all. And obviously, we all know Andrew finds Neil attractive. But besides that, Andrew also finds Neil interesting and learns the way his brain works, he maps out his body and his mind. Andrew is one of the only people see’s Neil as a whole and Neil is one of the only people at Andrew lets see him as a whole, because Neil is the only one that wouldn’t flinch away.

“Suddenly I see you. I was a billion little pieces 'til you pulled me into focus. Astronomy in reverse, it was me who was discovered. (I thought I'd never find you, when suddenly I saw you.)”

Andrew knows he needs help sometimes even if he doesn't admit it outloud. He finds help in Bee for most things, but some things Neil helps him. Neil helps him move forward and make advances in his level of comfort with doing *certain* things. And he remembers how he never thought that he’d find that, he never thought he’d find Neil.

“Like a telescope, I will pull you so close, 'til no space lies in between. Then suddenly I see you.”

[meanie-boy-minyard]

Forest Fire by Brighton

Characters: Mary Hartford, Neil Josten, Andrew Minyard, the Foxes

Trigger Warning(s): Panic Attacks, Mentions Late Character (Mother), Reference to Child Abuse, Reference to Arson/Fire

"When you were young you used to dream about fires, and scream into the night, to find me standing barefoot at your side, I used to whisper it will be alright, and lay down at your side and take your tiny hands into mine, and how, was I to know, I'm not strong, I should have saved you and"

Read this as Mary talking to Neil on her deathbed. They only time she ever let emotions seep into her speech as they were speeding down a highway to some beach. Neil doesn't know why, but he is listening to his mother speak because she never speaks like this, and when she does speak he must listen.

"I hope you know, that you're my home, but now I'm lost so lost"

This is Neil talking to his mother after she's dead. He's on the beach, he just burned her body and buried her in the sand. She wasn't a good person to him but he didn't know that. He never had a house to call home, he never had a constant thing in his life- not even his name- Mary, his mother was his home and now that she is dead he is lost.

Imagine the past section as Neil having a nightmare; a memory. He wakes up in a cold sweat and who is there you ask? Andrew. Andrew is there with a steady gaze and a grounding hand on the back of his neck. Andrew doesn't ask, but Neil wants to explain.

"I keep imagining those flames that did rise, and blackened up the sky, the light that showed you barefoot in the snow"

Neil sees the flame of when he burned his mother.

"And then the fire started building up inside, exploding blinding lights, now I'm the one left screaming through the night"

He's angry. He's angry because he was not the one to steal the money, he was not the one that did the acts that were supposed to cause him pain. He is angry. He is hurt.

"And how, was I to know, I'm not strong, I should have saved you, and oh"

Marry again, repeating what- this theory- would've been one of the last things he remembered her.

Neil looks at Andrew

"I hope you know, that you're my home"

Neil is still groggy after-sensation of his mother and in the back of his head he thinks, "but now I'm lost so lost"

"I'm gonna carry your bones, I'm gonna carry them all, I'm gonna carry you home"

Neil is back in his memories, remember that day on the beach. Thinking of these promises he made to his mother as he left her bones buried in the sand. Maybe he is promising to find himself a home, and take her with him in spirit. Prove to her that they could've had it all together. He wasn't to make his mom proud for once.

"I'm gonna bury these bones, I'm gonna write it in stone, that you were my home, my home. Forget about it. Forget about it. Forget about it. Forget it about"

Neil is still thinking about his mother. He goes into a panic attack because his mother was his home, and now she's dead and he's alone and he blames himself because he should've saved her when Andrew comes back,

"How was I to know, that you're my home, but now I'm lost so lost"

Neil knows he isn't completely ok, but he has a new home, with Andrew and the foxes and he can recognize that he is not ok and that he feels lost but in placing his confidence in his family, his home, he can push forward and heal.

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@mehlisssa said I should post it so here you go, I might do this more, I don’t know yet