Collars and Collaring - A Personal Perspective
I have often been asked to write about Collars and Collaring but have been reluctant to do so because I have strong personal views about Collars and their use and am hesitant to stir up controversy. In addition, I have not felt qualified to speak with any authority on Collars because thus far I have never Collared a submissive. This may come as a surprise given my experience with D/s relationships but not having Collard a submissive stems not from inexperience but rather from my strongly held beliefs about Collars and Collaring and the importance I place on them.
When I first discovered the leather world several decades back, the mere mention of the Collar made submissives drool and Dominants stiffen their backs. There was a strong sense of pride associated with the term and its use. A Collar was emblematic of achieving something very special in a D/s relationship, essentially the equivalent of a marriage. The act of Collaring was a sign of intense and sober commitment. It was not given to the first person that came along, but was something to be saved for that special one who earned it only after a long and challenging period of acquaintance, courtship, and training. To receive the Collar of a Dominant was something a submissive would dream about and strive to achieve.
Sadly, with the increased popularity and attention given to BDSM in the mainstream media and the prevalence of quasi D/s interaction online, much of this meaning has been lost. Today, collars literally and figuratively have Velcro enclosures, cyber glue and are often relegated to being little more than a cute or kinky fashion accessory. They have become so prevalent that decorative day collars can be seen worn in the mall by teens having no concept of their purpose or importance. In the online space, people give and receive collars with astounding frequency and with little regard to their meaning.
Collars come in many forms and while they are often talked about only a few are worn with honor anymore. They are the property of the Dominant and should only be granted and removed by the Dom. However, in extreme cases the submissive or slave may petition the Dom to have the Collar removed. This is typically a request made only for the purposes of terminating the relationship and is generally viewed as being irreversible.
Here is a brief explanation of a few of the various Collars:
Collar of Consideration or Protection
The Collar of Consideration is intended to be temporary and worn during a period when a Dominant is evaluating the suitability and compatibility of a potential submissive. While this term is often bandied about in the online world a Collar of Consideration is infrequently used in the leather community and only by those Doms with a very specific training style.
Another short-term use is a Collar of Protection worn by a submissive during a play party aligning them with the Dominant that has granted the protection. This is a very simple collar with no lock or key, and no D-ring. It is usually placed upon the neck of a submissive at the party in full view of the other attendees and taken off immediately after, making it very clear that this is only for protection purposes. During this time however, the submissive will act as if this Dominant is their rightful Master or Mistress. Under this protection a submissive may not be approached or played with unless permission is granted by the Dominant and generally only in their presence. Unlike a permanent Collar, the submissive retains the right to request playtime with a specific person or reject it respectfully. The role of the Dominant under a Collar of Protection could be compared to that of a chaperone in the vanilla world.
This is typically the first Collar received by a submissive in the leather community and is used for the purposes of training by a particular Dominant and for a specific period of time. During the training regimen the Collared one is considered to be the submissive of the Dominant who grants the Collar but is not yet a slave. The courtship is over, training has begun, but no contract has been established between the Dom and sub. This period can be viewed in a similar light to an engagement in the vanilla world in the sense of the seriousness of intent and commitment, but there is also an evaluation component to it as well. Actions during this period carry consequences and there is a make or break element to the training process that can lead to the termination of the relationship. The training period duration varies from couple to couple but it is not uncommon in the leather community for it to last a minimum of two years. No small commitment this. If at the conclusion of the training period the Dom and sub have both passed the test in the eyes of one another (yes it is a two-way street) then the couple would proceed to an official Collaring Ceremony.
For most, this is the pinnacle achievement of a power exchange relationship. With training complete and acceptance granted by both Dominant and submissive, a contract is drawn up not unlike a marriage license outlining the rights and responsibilities of each. The Slave Collar is granted by the Dominant to their submissive in a ceremony complete with vows, often with others in attendance, though it can also be performed as a private and very personal exchange. This is one of the most wonderful and important moments in the life of a submissive and a Dominant. They have achieved something together that most only dream about. The submissive is no longer in a trial and training relationship with a Dom but is now slave to their Master or Mistress. Along with the change in the emotional nature of the relationship, the physical makeup of the Collar itself may change with the introduction of a lock and key and perhaps an ownership tag on the D-ring. There are many customs that vary widely.
Most D/s and M/s couples consider the Slave Collar and what it represents to be the goal of their relationship and are content to live out their lives in that way. However, a few desire to delve even deeper into the power exchange. For these relatively rare couples, there is a yearning to go beyond a Master/slave relationship and seek absolute ownership in a chattel property sense of the term. While the law does not permit the contractual ownership of another human being, these couples in their own way strive for just that. Their Master/slave contract is likely to be revised at this juncture and no longer is the Dominant a Master but in fact an Owner in a very real sense of the word. The Slave Collar is changed to an Ownership Collar and often is accompanied by a permanent ownership mark such as tattooing or branding. This is perhaps the ultimate commitment by a slave, and ownership is typically viewed by both Owner and slave as being irreversible, similar to a marriage without the option of divorce. It is indeed carried into death. I have heard of agreements where the ashes of the partners are mixed together in the same urn upon the death of the second partner. Even death does not part them. This is very serious stuff, absolute devotion, and very rare indeed.
Here are a couple of other collars (lower case intended) that you may encounter and this is where I begin to really get into trouble with my opinions.
Play collars are utilitarian in nature and may or may not carry the significance of a training, slave or ownership Collar. These collars are used as bondage and play implements in the same way as cuffs, rope, ties, and other bondage accouterments. They can be used by Collared and uncollared partners and are simply a convenient place to attach a leash, affix wrist cuffs, or other clever bondage schemes.
These are virtual collars worn by people who interact online but who may or may not have real world experience with a power exchange relationship. Often you see evidence of these collars in chat rooms and blogs when the submissive’s user name is enclosed in parentheses or brackets. There is no question that their relationship is very real to them, but they often only live the life of a Dominant and slave largely in their fertile imaginations. The anonymity and perceived safety of digital communication can allow people to present themselves and experiment in ways they might not in real life. But great harm can come from even virtual relationships in the form of emotional and psychological stress, torment and depression. At the other end of the digital exchange is a live person with real feelings, yet these cyber collars are often not granted the weight and importance associated with those feelings and emotions.
I have nothing against the notion of a cyber collar but find the widespread ignorance of good BDSM practices and the cavalier way with which these collars are treated to be distressing. Real people are being hurt not only emotionally but also physically when they actually come together face-to-face to play without the benefit of education or experience. A cyber collar can be a fine connection between two loving and caring people if used appropriately. Sadly it is often overused and abused in my opinion.
The term “Velcro collar” is applied to people who seemingly collect and trade cyber and real collars. These Velcro collars are proverbially “easy on, easy off” and it is not uncommon, particularly online, to see submissives collared by a Dom one day another Dom the next. It is also not uncommon to see Doms with multiple subs. These collars are in no way respected by the leather community. The people who grant and receive them are often derided by those who engage in real life power exchange relationships and for whom Collaring is a symbol of the sanctity of D/s and M/s relationships.
Perhaps at this point my prejudices and opinions on the subject of Collars are beginning to shine through and it becomes clear why I have been reluctant to weigh in on the topic, particularly here online. My strongly held views on the importance and sanctity of the Collar in a BDSM or loving D/s relationship are also at the heart of why I have not to date Collared a submissive. I have no doubt that some day I will grant a collar and when I do it will be with the intent of elevating our relationship and ourselves to the highest possible levels. And it will be a bond that I will treasure my entire life and perhaps beyond.
My Muse and I are in precisely the sort of relationship that I see as the basis for such a path. You read much from me about the views we share and how we interact with one another. Yet as loving and devoted as we are, and have been for some time as Master and Muse, in the scheme of Collaring we are still in the courtship phase of our relationship and just starting out.
To me a Collar is not simply a sophomoric sign of possession intended to feed my ego or mark my territory. I do not need overt and cute icons for that. The connection and devotion I feel with my Muse reside entirely in the heart and mind and no strip of leather, satin, or steel is necessary to affirm that. It is my fondest hope that one day our relationship will grow to the point of my Muse wearing my Collar. But if and when it happens, it will have been the result of serious effort, hard work and sober intent and will be a reflection of a life decision for both of us. She is worth that and more.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
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