Me, BPD. @mebpd - Tumblr Blog

This all feels so temporary because that's what it was before, every time you'd just come back and I'd have my baby back and we'd try again but this time I know you're serious about it being final and that's so terrifying. It's so unfair. I watch back videos you sent me or voice notes of you telling me you love me and it just doesn't make any sense to me how 2 people who seemed to love each other this much can't be together but if you never saw a future with me then I'm just embarrassing myself by loving you this much and holding on to you. I'm so sad, I've never felt this way about anyone and I wish you saw the same future I saw for us...it really sucks to see you seemingly just moving on to letting go so quickly with no looking back when I can't imagine my heart feeling any less heavy over you any time soon.

This all feels so temporary because that's what it was before, every time you'd just come back and I'd have my baby back and we'd try again but this time I know you're serious about it being final and that's so terrifying. It's so unfair

Are you up thinking about me like I am about you?

I think you loved and cared about me but you weren't willing to come towards me when it came to discussions and communication and instead pushed me away constantly and only pulled me closer for your convenience. The imbalance and unfairness is so unbelievable the more I think about it and I hope you can take these things to heart and really understand what happened here, because it wasn't all me. I was there thick and thin. You weren't.

I don't deserve a man who quits so easily. Who quits at the first signs of disrupt. I deserve someone who accepts me and respects me for having feelings, thoughts emotions that I can speak without fear and without reciprocated aggression. I deserve someone who understands down times happen. Who understands it's not always perfect but loves me through the shit. To understand me and love me for the firey person I am because I am a good and loyal and caring woman who sticks through anything because the love over powers it. And I deserved more. But you couldn't give that to me and just threw me away.

I never deserved any of this. I never deserved the dishonesty of it all. You knew all along this would happen but you just wanted to make sure I didn't come. And then you have the fucking audacity to tell me I fucked up because I didn't invite you to my party because I got the date wrong but then tell me to not take away your freedom by doing the same. You never treated me fairly, there was a huge imbalance. You are allowed to do something and when it's dished out to you, YOU block me you get mad at me you get pissy.

I want someone who sticks around no matter what and sees our future and you want someone who has no opinion, doesn't ever get offended and has no brains to think about when you do something shitty. I wasn't perfect but you weren't either. I'm done with you leaving. I'm done with never being apologized to. Never getting the same interest back in my life. Constantly being dismissed. You loved me more at the beginning and I guess honestly me too rn

I just want to go home and get away from a boyfriend who makes me feel guilty for being me. Get away from a world that makes me feel unwelcome. From friends who make me feel like a second choice. I have nothing here in such a large sense of the sentence. I am alone. No plans, no support, no family, no friends. This is such a bizarre feeling this certainty. This certainty of such a horrible feeling. Loneliness. And I have no interest in thinking beyond it. Just that I feel alone. And I know it. But I'm safe here in this loneliness because I feel unwelcome everywhere else. But here I am safe. In the world of nothing.

I bring stuff up the next day because that's the only time I feel comfortable enough to defend myself

It's too much, everything is being put on me. You're the only reason I wanted to go but you're also making it miserable and you're making me feel bad and you're making it less exciting and you're part of the problem like it's too much. Why do I have to feel guilty or why is the guilt deflected back on to me when you make me feel a certain way.

I'm so embarrassed.

I'm so heartbroken already because I know this is going to end and we're just dragging it out.

I feel super embarrassed honestly that I'm confronted with the reality that you share screenshots of our conversation. Theres been so many red flags the past few days and honestly this whole situation is my fears and paranoia are a reality and that in itself is my biggest fear. I'll never be able to have a conversation with him again not thinking if s knows all about it. If they're both online and I'll be wondering if he's talking to him about me. If he was telling the truth about what the conversation was about. And the thing that fucks me up most is that he's talking more to someone else about stuff with us than he is talking to me about us and the things we deal with. Just talk to me. I had to try to get something out of him and nothing was coming out. And I just felt disappointed and then suddenly I see instead of just talking to me he's discussing it with someone else. This is the end for me mentally. I don't know how to recover from this paranoia.

I wanted to share exciting news and suddenly you're gone. Suddenly you're always gone. You feel this need often to shut me out and I don't need that. It sucks. It feels like you need to be alone. But I can't sit back and wait for you to want to come back to me

Hey baby is everything okay? It's been a few hours, maybe you're busy idk 😅 I really wanted to share some news with you and all of a sudden you've been MIA for while.

I think we need to talk

Just let him go.

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Me, BPD.