toby felt a little bad about blindly confronting oz in front of a crowd. then again the ginger rarely noticed toby’s advances to begin with. why should he believe this would be any different ? every call out made in the past, every attempt at reaching out —— ended up discarded & lost as if it’d been nothing. maybe oz truly that unaware of his feelings, or maybe it was flat out cruelty. that’s how the gang dealt with serious emotions, right? ignore or crush it till it disappears ? when were they going to learn that IT’D NEVER WORK.
maybe it was a skill toby had, being so empathetic. it’d earned him the upper hand on life many times in the past. avoiding & attracting the right people never appeared as an accident. he’d perfectly analyze the situations he entered, & deeply felt the feelings of others. that was his superpower. only with oz did he realize it was also a curse. to see someone who didn’t want to be seen. to attract someone who didn’t want to latch on. it was exhausting. so yeah, he lashed out. what was he supposed to do? play with my feelings, i play with yours. a twisted outlook, but it was the only thing keeping him from crumbling entirely. that way he’d know, he finally did SOMETHING in return.
the attempt at getting to oz clearly worked. watching the young man run past the crew out the back door told him that much. there was guilt sewn into his heart, unraveling as he gazed at the slammed door. this wasn’t the feeling he wanted, this wasn’t his desired effect —– but he still couldn’t imagine himself trying anything else. this worked. that’s all that mattered. & maybe it would finally push oz away, permanently. maybe. if he hadn’t ran after him moments later.
seeing the flash of red surrounded by smoke made his heart ache once again. he hoped singing his heart out would make it stop —– but nothing could erase this. what they had. he should of known, their relationship was too complicated to dispose of in one night. breath hitching in his throat, toby furrowed his brows at oz in his glory. heartbroken glory. “ you okay ? ”
clouds of smoke cocooned oz in some sort of pseudo safety net, allowing some of his barriers to fall. he was not the type of person who enjoyed drama. he wasn’t the type of person who lived in a world where people dreamed of their lives playing out like in the romantic movies. he had grown up hurt, and angry, and full of a desperate desire to feel at home. that was a feeling he had found replicated with archer and his gang. two damaged boys fighting for the world to give them a chance in life.
while oz certainly wasn’t the type to cry (he had cried enough for the rest of his life when his mother died) he was definitely the type to try and deep breath through a panic attack. shuddering breaths and a free hand scraping at the brick wall grounded his emotions. naturally it was just as he was pulling himself together that a soft voice drove him right back up. straightening his back, he took a drag from his cigarette, letting a long silence sit between them.
❝ what the hell was that. ❞
he kept his voice even, not letting his emotions escalate his tone. he could feel his pulse jumping wildly, his brain racing to figure out what he wanted from this conversation. he wanted toby. but toby didn’t need some alley cat holding him back. toby was cut from the same cloth as lou, well off with a bright future. destined for greatness. oz, on the other hand, would be lucky to make it through his life without ending up in more trouble than he could handle. yeah - toby deserved better.
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