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This is a confession

I talk a lot about how awesome my workplace is but never when it's job specific. I've been working as a Prepress Designer for about five months now and every day is about facing a shitty portal, reviewing all of other people's (most of the time) crappy designs, and dealing with some problematic people. I've been doing the same things for five. months. now. and it has been tiring. Help.

i still think about you

and that just makes me hate myself more

filmbabyy

Call Me By Your Name (2017) dir. Luca Guadagnino.

a goodbye to the fleeting feelings

December 25, 2018

Today, you announced you found someone. I read it again and again to wake myself up from the reality that 'we' are impossible. You found someone who isn't me. It sucks but maybe from this point on is where and when I move on.

To move on from overthinking when I see your face on my timeline--so that you don't appear in my dreams again. To finally convince myself that it was me who fucked up--because I really did.

We don't talk anymore so I'm just going to let my feelings out here. I just want to say that yes, I still think about you, our could-have-beens, and plans we could have fulfilled together. We could have gone hiking Mt. Pulag if I went on with the saving challenge. I always wonder if you did it. I failed early in the year and never told you. We could have gone to more gigs together. We could have eaten more dinners together. We could have spent more desserted u-belt nights together.

There were times when I'd walk alone with my earphones on, Kai's 'Ngayong Gabi' would play and I imagine you and me walking side by side. It never happened. I remember you every time I see news and updates about/from Clara. You've reiterated so much how much you love her you literally tried to ask her out. Haha gotchaaa. It was insane but really admirable how you'd step forward to see how things will turn out for you. You have that courage I wish I had.

I could go on telling more about you and our little adventures, but as you have said, you found someone. And here's where I stop. I just hope you are happy and I want to thank you for all those fleeting feelings I never thought I'd feel. I am happy for you, or at least I will try hard to be.

On a fleeting feeling high

December 22, 2016

One step forward, two steps backward. I kept pacing back and forth. To the mirror to look at myself, then back to my bed and curl up or scream on my pillow. Let's dress up nicely and call it a date. I kept on reading the text you sent me. I did not reply immediately. I wondered how anxious you were becuse the next message I received was you asking if I grew cold becuase of what you said.

I did not grow cold. I was dumbfounded. When a girl gets asked on a date for the first time in her entire life, what does she do? I certainly did not know how to respond.

Before responding, I went out to shop for new clothes and said to myself that I'm buying because I wanted to and not for the date. Later, I convinced myself that the clothes I bought will be good enough for the date and I finally replied to your message. Okay let's do it. But I have to be at school till 5pm. Will that still be good? I lied. I was totally free the whole day.

I kept on getting up the bed and walk to the door. Also because that's the only space I can move around in our little dorm room.

Time was ticking so slowly. The pounding in my chest kept on worsening each minute that I feared I'd collapse any time. Good thing I did not. Because not a lot of time a girl will get asked for date. Even so, her first date. That comes in life only once.

When it was just 30 minutes into rendezvous, time suddenly went fast, and my heartbeat faster. Looked at myself in the mirror a hundred more times, and breathed so hard as to calm the nerves.

Fast forward to around seven o' clock, you were there standing in the waiting area of my dorm. I was really worried you'd be so mad because the elevator sucked up again and took so long to go down but you met me with a big smile.

We walked the scary roads of Manila to the LRT station. Along the way, we even met one of my friends. I saw his shocked face seeing us together. Good thing I thought of a small talk fast. "Do you want to go home with us? Dad's driving." He shook his head. And I said, we two will go now.

We arrived in our destination after a train and an Uber ride. Sat near the counter and ordered The Kerouac and coffee. We shared the meal but most importantly, we shared more stories. my heart was pounding the whole time, afraid of the question you'll ask next. I ended up telling you about my pink blanket which I now regret because I want that to remain a personal thing. Yes, I'd save my favorite blanket if our house gets on fire. You said you'd run for your laptop and when you said that maybe I could have just said that as well. But the blanket, it was a christmas gift from my mom. You see, she has never given me any gift since I was 8. When she accidentally picked my name for the Kris Kringle, she let me pick the thing I want. A thick pink blanket was a practical choice and I couldn't have asked for any other gift.

At some point in the night, you mentioned you like me and I said that I do, too. I want you to know I meant that. I was just a real ball of awkwardness and do not know how to express it better. So much more was shared that I will treasure. I was afraid all the restaurant crews heard about it all too besides the two of us. Screw them though, it was our night.

After the meal and the long chit chat, you tried to book a Grab ride. It was unsuccessful for the first few tries until we got someone by the name of Michael. You even told me to take a picture of your phone screen to send it to our friend Michael--to say someone of his namesake saved us that night. You could have used the screenshot function of your phone though!

We sang to a Frozen song, remember? I was coming off wrong tune so I opted to sing it softly. You winged in though! You have such a great voice. After a few, we arrived at my dorm again, said goodbyes. You even asked if I could give you a hug but I just laughed at you. I don't know why I did that! Could have done it!!! I swear. All I said was thank you and good night. I waited for your text that you got home safe before I retired to bed. My smile was from ear to ear and woke up super happy the next day.

ming9922

id=64910700

死神

裙子下都是蒐集來的靈魂

i got my degree!

I can still recall the day my high school adviser tried to calm me down while I cry sitting on the newly-built bleachers in our quaint covered-court after they announced the names of students who made it to the senior honors list – a list that did not have my name. She said the honors do not matter. She tried to calm my hyperventilating self by saying it’s not the end. Sure, it was not the end of life but it was the end for me hoping to make my parents proud again. It was the end of me hoping to get a better college scholarship. It was the end of my high school life and I did not make it to the list. I was bitter. I admit that. What made it worse was the publicly gossiping parents on my ‘failure’ to get an award. It was too bad I caught them on the act.

I’m way too negative to start this anecdote with such a bummer story but that story I just told you is what kept me going. Petty as is sounds but I wanted to prove that I am not a failure. And that I am more than just an average student.

It was not an easy path. College is easy – said no one. I had a couple of breakdowns while working on my projects, my thesis, and even in simple tasks I can’t seem to conquer. But it was a challenge I can’t back out of. I thrived braving long hours of studying, making notes for exam, and battling multiple incidents of severe creative block. Results did not always come out good. There were times I got really disappointed at myself. I got angry at myself for not doing enough.

I tried to lay it off – the thought of proving myself. I read in a screencap from a leadership book from an old HS friend that you do not have to prove anything to anyone. But I think I got in too deep already. More breakdowns, disappointments and my horrible zombie self, parading the hallways of Espana to Morayta to the hallways of our school.

On my last term, during the midterm week, I messaged my mother saying I can’t do it anymore. ‘It’ referring to the goal of getting a Latin honor. My grade was on the edge, hanging on its dear life to be glorified. But then, it broke my heart when her reply read ‘sorry’. I was confused because she was apologizing for a thing she was not really responsible of. No words were ever said that she’d like me to get that honor. It was all me all along as far as I know. That was the day I convinced myself, I would accept my fate. Whatever grade I can work on, that’s it. No hard feelings for the results.

However, fate must have been fooled with me because somehow, my grade still sufficed to get me an academic award. Knowing that was the greatest feeling I got in a while. I was reminded that I should not overthink things badly. My mom was so happy hearing the news. My brother who rarely talk to me, congratulated me in person and not through Messenger! My dad’s face looked indifferent so I don’t really know. One thing is for sure though, the success is more than theirs than mine.

I graduated Cum Laude, and I know I still haven’t proven anything. It’s just the start for me so I hope things go well. Same goes to the new graduates just like me!

#personal #anecdotesbymyle

I broke a rule because of you...

too much of stalking you led me to a tweet of you recommending trying a soju cocktail. one part soju, one part yakult or milkis, and one part lemon-flavored soda. you said you liked it very much so i wanted to know how it tastes like. the result of my curiosity? fret not, it’s only me smuggling alcohol into our dorm room which i did with finesse – or maybe the management does not really care? i am not quite sure. but the thing is, i liked it very much as well! it pumped my senses so much until it was 5am when i retired to bed after managing to draw letters and write you a letter! (which I know i’ll never send you. it sounds way too stupid.) i was dead-beaten that i woke up when the sun already set for the day. it was a deviant act i did more than once. and it’s all because of you. or me. or just my whole obsession with you.

an emotion spurs more emotions. we cry about a particular situation or feeling and the next thing we know, we are crying about a lot of other things, one after the other. and when you try to stop, the very reason you started crying dawns to you again, and you’re in for another loop. free-flowing tears. you draw it all out, until there’s nothing more to cry - until you are nothing. because sometimes, that is the only way to let out all the burden and anxiety you’ve been feeling. the impending weight of all the responsibilities. the deadlines you have to beat. the people you want to keep. just cry it all out, because that’s the way you’ll feel okay again somehow.

I should have known from the start

That the idea of us together

Will never materialize

my random thoughts are still occupied of the idea of you and me together

sir, i’m waiting for the free coffee.

i started to write a story about us

twisted and turned the events

until it’s no longer our story

just like how there’s no more us

theliteraryjournals

You don’t stop loving someone just because you hate them.

Hanif Kureishi, Intimacy and Midnight All Day: A Novel and Stories (via wordsnquotes)

and this is the conversation

i’d love having

no second-thinking whatsoever

breakfast food served on a skillet

words on paper as thick as a booklet

questions were asked

and hasty answers were given

#that night #the kerouac

culturenlifestyle

wordsnquotes

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