eh anyway I was supposed to go back to college weeks ago to start an access course so I could go to uni next september but I got tonsillitis the day before my interview so I couldn’t go. my tonsils were touching, I could hardly even breathe, I had to get my mum to call to explain because I physically couldn’t speak. so they put me on a waiting list and I never heard back from them :)) which is great :))
I spent the whole summer with my boyfriend whom I’m very much in love with though and had the absolute loveliest time. he left 3 weeks ago (he lives in the netherlands) but he’s coming back in a few weeks so we get to spend months together again. I should be spending christmas with him and his family in the netherlands and I’m v excited about it, if a little nervous to meet his parents. so now I’m learning Dutch too and since it’s so close to English I can get by in it already and understand a lotttt which is nice.
my seasonal depression always starts around this time of year so naturally I’m struggling. add onto that my miserable living situation (I’m grateful to have a roof over my head etc but there is no money for food after bills so !) I’m struggling a lot with that aspect of my life but it will be okay.
I’m thinking I should at least volunteer or something for some sort of work experience since there’s no point in me getting a job right now when it’s not certain how often I’m going to be in the country y’know. so I should really do that. just, something. some structure. I’ve just recovered from tonsillitis (again) that lasted 10 days and fuck me it’s left me so out of it. that’s a long time to be as ill as I was and with the seasonal depression it’s like... I just straight up do not want to do anything. I don’t want to volunteer or write a cv or do any of this systematic shite that makes me want to knock myself out when I think about it even for a second. I feel like a joke because my psychosis left me with some weird sensory issues (I don’t know how common that is?) so I went through a period of lots of sensory overload until I learnt how to manage and stave it off, but that means there’s certain jobs I just can’t do, certain places I absolutely cannot work. I mean there is anyway because I have to be very careful not to get too stressed. my psychosis was stress and sleep deprivation induced but it lasted like an entire fucking year, it only really stopped when my friend committed suicide (almost 2 years ago now wow) and I think it was the sheer shock, the absolute fucking tragedy of that situation that snapped me back into reality. but yeah now whenever I’m stressed I start to become paranoid and sometimes full on delusional, I dissociate and get illusions (rather than hallucinations), but I did hear a voice for the first time in a long time a couple of weeks ago and it put me on edge for a little bit. me being stressed = me becoming psychotic so then I can’t work, so it’s wise not to get into that situation isn’t it. but who cares, who takes that seriously. I’d hope they would but you never know.
I don’t know what the point of this was. my boyfriend has enhanced my life and I’m excited to see where we go - I’ve truly never felt so wholly connected to and in love with someone. I have things to look forward to. I can sense more possibilities than I could before. I’ve grown a lot as a person recently and it seems I just feel more and more excited and enthusiastic about life as time goes on. I’m glad. I started this blog 7 years ago when I was 13, depressed, suicidal. this blog documents my depression, my anxiety, my eating disorder, my ocd, my psychosis - everything is on here so naturally I associate this blog with a lot of negativity which is why I don’t use it much anymore and would maybe like to put it behind me as a whole? not delete it, just not update it. I’m not sure. but it’s nice to post this and be where I am. I love myself and who I am and I love everybody in my life.
blakekathryn
gummygunk
dailybridgerton
prguitarman
izzy806
