Emptiness feels heavy
I want to clear one thing out. People often think thatĀ āoohh sheās the one who ended things with him. I bet she feels no pain right nowā wow. Thatās just fucked up man. People, whether a man or a woman, has their own reasons why they chose to cut it loose. I recently broke up with my bf. Believe me heās like the most wonderful thing that ever crossed my path. I knew we loved each other s much but i got tired of fighting over small problems. So i ended things with him. We used to break up all the time but he never stopped begging and chasing for me to come back but now? Instincts tell me this time, weāre done. The fact that he thinks i enjoyed breaking up with him kinda insulted me. He told my sister that iāll be okay. Yeah sure iām not struggling with the pain right now just because i was the one who broke up with him. Little did he know, i havenāt had any sleep since the day we broke up. I couldnāt stop crying and the heavy thoughts kept attacking at dawn specifically at 3 am. The tears just doesnāt stop from flowing. A little tear falls, a whole lot follows like wtf. It even scares me because sometimes when i simply stare at my reflection at my mirror, i start to see him beside me. Hell i think itās a bit creepy but his face looks so calm and peaceful. I can even feel his shoulders when i attempted to lean on him. I knew i was hallucinating. But trust me, shit looked real. I knew it was a side effect of sleep deprivation but damn if this is what being sleep deprived means, iāll take it as a gift. Even only as hallucinations that i see him, iāll keep on not sleeping damn at least i can still see him with me. The worst part about that is, even if iām walking around the city or even just at home, wherever i turn my head to i see him. I see him in the streets where i was walking. I see him in the stores where i buy my favorite stuff from. I see him in our kitchen cooking our favorite yet cheap dish or washing the dishes as i command him. I see him in my room doing nonsense things with my laptop. I see him in our dining area eating and drinking every shit in our fridge. I see him in our terrace playing with our puppy who was named after their cat. I hear his voice in jeepneys we used to ride. I see him nodding to the beat of the songs we used to listen to. I see him in motorcycle drivers, it reminded me of our same interests. I see him in the beaches i go, we made our pacts and promises in our spot at beach near their house where we cried a lot and made our hearts feel the warmth of our love. I see him as the sun starts to rise, reminding me of our first sleepover where we stayed out and waited for the sun to come up and for the stars to hide. In the 8 months weāve spent together i have memorized his reactions and responses with everything that i say or do. My friends often laugh at us because before he could even react or say anything i already did because i knew heād react that way. I think thatās the difficult part. Whatever i see or wherever i am, i see him. I didnāt want to leave. I wanted to stay. I wanted it to last. But baby iām not dumb enough to not recognize the pain youāve caused. Iām tired of the arguing over small stuff again and again. Iām tired of giving chances. I was forced by reasons and realizations to end things. I love you but Iām tired. I hope youāll eventually find out that darling, Iām struggling too. Iām also wishing that iād die too. Youāre not the only one, Kyre, i lost everything too.