I just needed somewhere to write. To offload.
Not coffee-related. Although, that is my career and how I spend a majority of my time.
I’m falling apart, again. It’s always like a pendulum. The clouds are never far off. The storms have only temporarily passed. The rainy season always comes back around.
What makes this time different is that I can’t hide away like I am used to doing. Like I want to do. And I try to, but I am visible to an entire global industry. I feel the seemingly-infinite amount of pairs of eyes on me, and I am crushing under the glare.
I briefly thought about suicide for the first time in years, last night. I sat in my room and cried for hours last night. I fell asleep eventually. I worked a shift on bar today and that got my mind off things for about eight hours. Just focused on taking care of people. Served every single one with a smile that was sad, but genuine. I dread regularly-scheduled barista shifts, but I never mind the spontaneously acquired shift when I actually want it. And I knew it would help lift me after last night. It worked, even if only temporary.
I am moving to Melbourne, Australia in August. Exact countdown is pending. After these next two weeks, I’ll know. All of it feels reminiscent of my journey to Phoenix. There are a lot of parallels, but completely different.
A good life in Melbourne seems very promising, and that is what I am holding onto to keep me trudging forward. Daydreams late at night are what’s keeping me from slipping back into complete darkness. Phoenix did that for me, too.
I hope I stop crying soon.
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