Getting back to me

Journaling my health back | Dealing with past mental abuse | Getting on track | Positive quotes

[mefindingmeagain-blog]

During my mid to late teens this boyfriend I had, cheated on me 10 times (that I know of) and he justified it by saying I wasn't being enough for him. I wasn't worthy of all his love. It was my fault because I wasn't 21 and couldn't get into bars or clubs; or because he thought I was cheating on him, or whatever reason he could come up with. He actually had one of his slimball friends try to get me to hook up with him and when I ran right to my boyfriend and told him what his so called friend did.... His response "good, you passed my test!"

Being told these things and having these things done to you when you are just a young woman around age 16-20 it damages your self esteem and self worth. I'm hopeful that it won't be permanent. I can't let it be.

[mefindingmeagain-blog]

So I'm easily liked by other people, but my biggest critic is me. My inner voice that tells me that I'm not good enough of a person, a mother, a friend. I have had my shares of self esteem ruining events in my life. Years of mental abuse in my teen years lead me to overeat and learn to think I was fat and not good enough. Mind you, I was 16 yrs old, 5'11" and about 130 LBS. My boyfriend at the time would pinch my "love handles" (in reality it was just my skin) and say to me in disgust "come on! What's this??" Then he'd make mean and degrading comments when I would eat. He never cared that he would provide me with alcohol and toxic habits, but God forbid I ate food. He cheated on me and gas lighted me always making me feel it was because I wasn't good enough, adventurous enough or whatever reason he would come up with. I finally woke up and decided to stop the relationship after FOUR YEARS. I remember being heart broken but deep down I knew I deserved better.

This picture is the girl who was told she was fat and not good enough. I look at this picture and think... Where's the fat to lose? I will admit he made me feel so bad and beat me down so bad mentally that I even tried not eating and that didn't work so then tried purging but thank God I couldn't do it... I think my mind knew those thoughts weren't true and it wouldn't let my body actually do those things.

[mefindingmeagain-blog]

Hello and welcome to my life! I am new to this blogging thing and tumblr but I am going through a lot in my life and trying to get myself back; find ME again! As I'm trying to work on this it's bringing up all the feels. I am finding that acknowledging those feels by journaling helps. I will write about my past experiences that have affected my present, as I work to REFUSE to let them guide my future!

So first off, 🙋 I'm CJ and I am happy to be here!