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@meggygrace
*too lazy to type this out*
Photo Roundup - September 2018
9.14.18 - What a Girl Wants
I want to be done with dating apps. I want to be done going out. I want to be done going on not-so-great dates. I want to be done hoping Iāll find someone out of the blue, as if life were some stupid romcom. āWe ran into each other ā quite literally. It was early morning and as I was walking into my favorite local coffee shop, he was walking out and SMACK ā it was instant loveā. Yeah. Right. Thatās unrealistic⦠you know it, I know it, we all know it and yet isnāt it all what we secretly want? The perfect person to essentially fall out of the sky? Then again, maybe not. I donāt actually know what everyone else wants. I get that everyone has different end goals in this life, some want the high paying career, some want the mansion in Calabasas with six poodles, some want to travel the world and do big things. All of those goals are awesome, theyāre great and there are things about all of them that I can appreciate (maybe Iāll pass on the six poodles though) but what I want most is simple. What I want most is a little family of my own. I donāt need the extravagant lifestyle or anything lavish. I just want a husband I love wholeheartedly who loves me just as much back, children I can raise as lovingly as my parents raised me, and maybe throw in a tiny garden for my sunflowers and vegetables.
This post really doesnāt have a point but itās something Iāve been thinking about a lot lately. Iāve been asked so many times:
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āWhat are you going to do with the rest of your life?ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āWhat is most important to you?ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āWhat makes you happy?ā
This is my answer. This is my end goal. Call it boring, pathetic, call it what you will but Iāll take it.
9.5.18 - The Only Way Out is Through
Well. Itās been thirteen days since I last wrote and exactly three weeks since things ended with He Who Shall Not Be Named - but whoās counting (me, just now, but only for thematic effect I swear). Truthfully, I didnāt really know how long it had been. There are moments where it feels like it was years ago but there are other moments where it feels like it just happened, like Iād just received that āyeah, probably notā text* again. Itās weird for me, to go from being so sure someone was going to be in my life to having no connection to them at all and sometimes it really just feels like a figment of my imagination. No, it hasnāt been easy but I can say now that Iām okay. I couldnāt say that the last time I wrote.
I think the biggest piece of advice that really helped me through this whole āheartbreakā situation was something I heard from Matthew Hussey ā the love doctor himself. He said that whether your goal in the end was to get your significant other back or to just get over them entirely, the two paths were the same. At first I wasnāt sure what I wanted. I thought, okay, maybe thereās a chance to fix this, maybe if I do this or that things will change and everything will be mended. But another part of me was trying to be realistic with myself ā you donāt want someone whoās willing to throw away plans and a genuine connection on a whim, you donāt want someone who doesnāt care that heās hurt you, you donāt want someone that makes you feel insignificant and small. I donāt. I donāt want that. Matthew Husseyās advice was to cut all ties ā a no contact period, if you will. Whether you want him back or you want to get over him, you have to stop talking to him for a certain period of time - enough time for him to miss you or enough time for you to stop missing him. Which is what I did and what I came to realize is that I donāt miss him as much as I thought I would. Donāt get me wrong, at first it was extremely hard, like an addict cutting off their supply but over a few days I started feeling stronger.
I am now in a place where Iām doing well. I know that he wasnāt the one for me. I know it wasnāt kismet like Iād previously thought. There are times when I miss certain things about him but I know Iāll find someone better suited for me. Ā Iām letting go a little more each and every day and Iāve been bettering myself along the way. So, what Iām trying to say is, everything is going to be okay. I truly thought my life was in shambles, I felt so incredibly lost and alone and just three short weeks later and Iām able to say Iām okay. So as frustrating as the saying goes, time really does heal everything. And please, please, donāt perpetuate your heartache by reaching out to the person who caused it in the first place.
Ā *As I was leaving to go see him (he lives hours away) he texted me telling me he was āsurprised I was still comingā. I was very confused, so I typed back, āDo you not want me to come?ā to which he responded, āYeah, probably notā. Something about how flippantly he responded, when days earlier he was practically begging me to come visit him, was so gut wrenching. And the fact that he waited until the moment I was leaving instead of the week before, the day before, hell the morning of, was just icing on the cake.
8.23.18 - An End & A Beginning
I must admit, Iām no expert in being heartbroken. Itās been roughly two years since my last real relationship, sure Iāve dated (quite a bit, especially at the age of 23) but nothing stuck. I was starting to think I was never going to feel anything real again, that my ex boyfriend Matt had sucked all of the love out of me, that I was too picky, that I had gotten completely stuck in my passivity and there wasnāt a way out. And then I met him. And he checked all of the little boxes Iād had in my head (and there were plenty of them). We talked about everything from marriage and kids to my biggest fears and secrets. I opened up and was vulnerable (which believe me, I never do). When it comes to relationships and, really, almost everything in life Iām pretty rational but I allowed myself to become excited about a future with him. After all, he was the first man I could 100% see an actual forever with. It was premature, I see that now, but I didnāt then. He ended things so abruptly and with feeble explanation. And he didnāt care. Thatās the hardest part. Itās like he wasnāt affected by it at all, like everything weād talked about was nothing, like all of our plans were a joke to him.Ā
I denied it at first, I wasnāt heartbroken, I couldnāt be. I didnāt love him. Did I? I still donāt know. If nothing else, I was at least very in love with the idea of him. Whatever this soul crushing, all consuming hurt was, it was something Iād only felt maybe once before (many years ago). I spent so much time thinking about things I could have done differently, looking up Ted Talks on how to get over pain like this, crying (both at home and in public, embarrassingly), and waking up hyperventilating in the middle of the night because he was completely gone. How do you go from talking to someone all day every day for months to radio silence. How? In my research onĀ āhow to heal a broken heartā I read over and over again that when you feel a true connection to someone and suddenly theyāre gone, your brain reacts the same way in which an addict who quits cold-turkeyās does. Makes sense.Ā
Itās been a week since this abrupt ending occurred and Iām still not really okay. I will be, I know, time heals everything. But just how much time? He didnāt need any apparently. Whatever.
Iām trying to see some silver lining out of this but itās hard.
I had a college economics professor who said,Ā āAs crazy as it sounds, war is great for the economy.ā And in a way, I sort of feel thatās the same for heartbreak. Yes, war is horrible and horrific for the people going through it but it stimulates the economy by increasing production and putting people to work. Yeah, my heartache is terrible but at the same time Iāve been forced to focus on myself - Iāve been working through some of my insecurities, Iāve been eating so much better (mostly because hurting this bad makes everything taste like dust), Iāve spent remotely no money, Iāve been going to the gym for at least two hours every day, Iāve been concentrating on school and work and important things that I brushed off a little before.
I donāt know that thereās any real message to any of this but I hope someone out there finds it useful, comforting, or interesting. If nothing else, I hope it kills a few minutes if youāre looking to pass time.
āThat country whose people are Autumn people, thinking only Autumn thoughts.ā Thank you Ray Bradbury.
April & May photo round up! 1. Went on a hike with Ashley, remember saying āWinnie the Pooh would live hereā. 2. Got drinks with A and R, tried a new cocktail. 3. Learned how to embroider, embroidered out āPearl Handled .45ā and āTroubadourā on my denim jacket. 4. Ashley and I taking photos before the Rodeo. 5. Ashley and Iās cowboy boots. 6. A snippet of all the people running to get close to the stage (where Chris Janson was playing) at the rodeo. 7. Ashley (I was taking the picture) at a Vietnam veterans baseball game put on by her dad. 8. An adorable goose family I saw while walking along the canal. 9. The adorable town of Shaver Lake. 10. A waterfall while on a hike in the mountains.
I love my boots with a burning passion.
Unapologetically Me - 6.21.18
Just a heads up, this is a mishmash of some random thoughts Iāve been having lately, mostly having to do with who I am as a human, feeling misunderstood, and feeling like I have to apologize for who I am. Because Iām just writing to get my feelings out, there may be some choppiness to this post. Okay, you may continue.
I am no one but myself. No one is me and I am certainly not anyone else.
Wow, Meggy - what a truly profound thought, such wisdom. Sometimes though, I really need to remind myself of that. I often catch myself thinking things like -Ā āwhy arenāt you better at this and thatā,Ā āwhy do you feel uncomfortable while everyone else seems to be enjoying themselvesā, āwhy arenāt you more funā, āwhy donāt you smile as much as he/she doesā. I need to be telling myself, ābecause youāre better at other things, your talents lie elsewhereā, ābecause youāre very situationally aware, youāre a thinkerā, āyou may not be as loud or as outgoing as everyone else but youāre still fun and donāt discount the fact that youāre incredibly reliable and loyalā, ābecause constantly smiling is not your thing and frankly, it causes wrinklesā. So there. Iām not sorry.
I often feel overshadowed by louder personalities and I really hate that feeling because I know I have a lot to offer. Itās just difficult for us introverts to stand out in a world built for extroverts. Just so weāre clear, extroverts are no better than us introverts and Iām tired of feeling like I have to apologize for being the reserved human being I am. Iām not sorry I donāt feel the need to laugh at your sleazy pickup line (ex: āIām not drunk, Iām just intoxicated by youā) or humor your creepy remarks (ex: āhow did you bite into that lime so adorablyā) or treat you like royalty when you treat me like shit (ex: the entire field of retail). Iām not sorry for not wanting to offer up information about myself. And Iām certainly not sorry for cutting out people who offer nothing to my life.
It is what it is and I am who I am. Of course there are things Iād like to change about myself ā my bouts of negativity, my habit of putting off important things because they give me anxiety, things like that. But I also realize that those things make me who I am. And Iām not a bad person. In fact, I have a lot of things I love about myself including, but not limited to:
Ā -Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā My profundity, my depth emotionally
-Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā My decision making quality
-Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā My honesty, albeit sometimes brutal
-Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā My fascination for history and lust for knowledge
-Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā My command and strength
-Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā My creativity and propensity to make things better
-Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā My ability to get down to Mambo Italiano just as much as I do to Bodak Yellow
And Iām not sorry for any of it. In fact, youāre welcome.
*Hair Flip*