I am a 28 year old asexual person. I have only learned about asexuality when I was 22. What is an asexual person? It is a person who does not experience sexual attraction or desires. There are different shades of asexuality. Some asexuals don’t mind sex although, they find it being similar to doing a household chore. Whereas other asexuals would feel absolutely no interest in sex at all. A lot of people have told me that I will like or enjoy sex once I’ve tried it. The most common question I get asked is, “How will you know you don’t like it if you’ve never tried it?” Well here is the thing, I do not have any interest or desire to want to try it with myself or with another person. Does that make me abnormal? No. Some may view this as a ‘phase’ that I will grow out of or that I am a prude. I have always felt extremely dissatisfied whenever I explain myself to other people. It is a valid sexuality, it is not a disorder and it is not a choice to abstain from sex (unlike celibacy). It is simply an intrinsic feeling of having little or no sexual desires.
Back in high school, when all my female classmates were talking about 'cute’ boys. I would just look at the posters of the boys and thought that they’re just boys. How do you mean cute? When does one define a boy as cute? Cute like a cartoon character or like a puppy? I have also always been a 'no-touchy’ person. Physical contact to me is somewhat sacred and would only be present when there is something deeply special about my relationship with the other person. The immediate feeling I would have for a person who I find interesting is that I just want to Friend this person so hard. I want to know what are their thoughts, dreams, opinions, deepest insecurities, childhood stories, and favourite music. If I find myself liking this person, I would be more than happy to spend more and more time with this person and then eventually love this person. But my thoughts never ventured into things like what do they look like without clothes on? Or can we make out right now? I have always felt that making out is an awkward activity to do and a waste of time. I find more meaning in taking a nice stroll with this person and then we just talk about deep stuff.
I only read up on asexuality after a friend told me that there is a community of people like me and they have website called AVEN (short for The Asexuality Visibility and Education Network). I felt a huge weight lifted off me after reading people’s stories that so closely resembled mine! I was not the only one who is 'abnormal’ or weird. It doesn’t help when sex is so normalised in society. In Asian households, it is expected that once you are old enough to get married, the next step would be to have children. Another common question I get asked during family gatherings, “Do you have a boyfriend yet? When are you going to get married?”. My usual reply would be, “No, I don’t have a boyfriend and I don’t think I will be getting married.” To which they’d brush off saying, “Oh, you’re still young, don’t say that."
Some asexuals don’t identify as straight, bi or gay. I guess it would be slightly similar to being pansexual but just minus the sexual intimacy. Most of the time I just want people to view me as a person, period. I don’t have to conform to the expectations of being a girl. I used to have long hair and for many years I did not want to cut it short for fear that I would succumb to becoming the stereotypical butch lesbian. That was during the time when I was questioning my sexuality and I had no idea about asexuality. I kept thinking, "Well, if I don’t find boys cute then I guess I fall under the category of lesbian?” And as a Christian, I was having a huge internal battle with sexuality. What I learnt in the recent years is that asexuality is a sexual identity on its own. I’m not straight, bi or gay; I’m asexual or sometimes I would just label myself as queer to make things simpler (umbrella term for anyone under LGBTQA+). I remember feeling exhausted after being out for a few hours with my hair down and a dress. I couldn’t wait to go home to get back into my normal clothes and tie my hair up. I would get this really strange uncomfortable feeling that I still find it hard to explain. But it only happens when I’m 'girly’. It’s not to say that I don’t want to be a girl, it’s just that after finally cutting my hair short, I finally feel like me. I’m not hiding myself from anyone anymore.
I was around 14 years old when a a very young tennis friend noticed something about me. Every time I played tennis, I would wear my cap backwards. I felt very insecure about showing people what the 'real’ me looked like with long hair. So I would only let them see my hair after I had my shower. And it was during that time when I was waiting for my hair to dry that my young friend said that she noticed that I was two very different people inside and outside my cap. I have never felt so naked before. But it was so true. I felt more like me with the cap than with my natural hair. I felt like I was having long hair for other people and not for myself. Since cutting my hair, my father would ask me every time I come home for the weekend, “Why is your hair so short? You used to be so pretty with your long hair.” Little does he know, that if I were to have long hair again, I would only be growing it out for him. And what is the point of that? What is the point of meeting other people’s expectations at the cost of my happiness and inner peace? I understand that it would be difficult and heartbreaking for the other person such as my father to witness someone they love change their appearance so drastically. But it was years and years of questioning, pain and self discovery to finally come to terms with myself.
I have never felt more like myself until recent years. And being a woman doesn’t necessarily mean I have to have long hair, put on makeup and wear dresses. Nor does it mean that I have to end up being married with children. I just want to be me. Asexuality (or any type of sexuality) doesn’t have a certain face, image or style. I’m just a person who happens to be asexual.
