i really like this photo of me lmao not me realizing rn how actually affected i am by the fact i have no idea why Andrew stopped talking to me. i must actually be a huge pos and not realize it. its so bad tonight, i havent been able to fall asleep recently anxiety has been keeping me up until 2am almost every night when i try to go to bed at 10. my ideation is insane right now im pretty sure im actually a horrible human being. i have to be right? like ive lost almost every perosn whos ever been close to me and ive analyzed every situation and some of them have been 100% my fault, but some of them havent but it still feels like maybe im wrong and missing something. they just dont make sense. wtf happened to@me andrew???? like i literally have 0 fucking clue what happened. and then with louisa??? what??? like that whole situation was absurd. and the fact that its just me, i was the whole problem with anything bad that happened at louisas. it was all my fault. even as i type that it literally sounds so stupid and absurd. i cannot stop thinking about ending my life, im not going to because that takes effort and my windows are deadbolted but i cant stop thinking about it. how id do it, when, where, why, my last words to myself. if id cry or not? if i could actually do it. i think the reason ive always had ideation and just ideation alone is becuase in the moment i would make the decision to end my life. i had a breakdown in new york and almost drove me and mel off the road. it was really bad, i kept yelling and hitting myself and saying how much i deserved to not be alive. she kept saying alex please stop im in the car too, i guess that brought me back to reality. i always talk about why i smoke/drink and yse drugs but i always forget how i actually feel when im sober. now i guess i have to learn to live with it. cali is keeping me going. im moving to california, maybe with my friend, honestly maybe not. either way ok fucking horrified but also dedicated plus id rather kill myself in warm weather. saying it sounds so like nothing. ive spent my entire life listening to the voice in my head tell me how much i suck and should not be alive https://www.instagram.com/p/CIcX5O_JbaLmLKSQQ4YUJcovhMXr3BN59Thg-s0/?igshid=pzl3y55hmfgp
