I don't want him to meet my friends
The words left my mouth before I had realized what I was saying. I didn't want him to because I was embarrassed of him. The way he treated me, the way he would force his raspy voice and even the way he smelled and dressed. Yet I was into him? My friend looked to me and sighed, not in a disappointing way but more of a relief. She told me finally I knew what I wanted. It had been a few weeks since he had been out of the country to visit his mom back home and during that time we would call each other every night. I liked having someone who wanted to talk to me, but sometimes when he fell asleep over the phone, I would have to mute myself whilst having a panic attack.
I knew something was wrong with us, but after opening up I felt like I had to make it work. I thought I had to pull myself through the hard times and then the relationship part would be easier. It was the first person I had been dating exclusively, I had no idea how this thing was supposed to work.
When I told my friend about the bad stuff, she tried to wake me up. I told her she was right and I had to break it up as soon as he would be back. So when he came back and was eager to see me again because he missed me so much, I had made up my little speech. I was going to break up with him. But then when he almost ran my way, picked me up and kissed me in the middle of the train station, it was like my head got foggy again. I forgot all about the girl best friend he was totally into, the commitment issues and the gaslighting because somebody wanted to be with me. So when he gave me his best puppy eyes and asked me if I wanted to stay over, I figured why not? It might have even been the perfect moment to tell him what was bothering me, not like I hadn't done that before.
The night was perfect, we were giggling, kissing, hugging, he listed like ten things he really liked about me and kissed my forehead every few minutes. The next morning he had work and I stayed in his bed, sleeping in. As I was getting ready to go home, I received a poem he had written at work for me. I thought; damn maybe it could always be this easy.
Of course nothing was that easy, and in the perfect night mindset I decided to ignore the fact he had gotten notifications from both Hinge and Bumble as I laid there next to him, exclusively his. I was going to bring that up later, the night had been so perfect and I didn't want to ruin things.
When my friend texted me that evening, the same one I told I don't want her to meet him because he embarrassed me, that was my last straw. Other people could see he wasn't mine and still hear me talk about him like I was his. I wasn't that big a fool, or didn't want to be any longer. I texted him about it and we called, he was going to talk to me about this he said. He needed the reassurance because he was depressed and I would never understand that. But he was "going to bring it up" He totally wasn't. He then just told me balantly that he wasn't sure if he was ready for something serious. Seriously?! After you made me date you online for 5 weeks, suddenly you're not ready. I told him to be a man and tell me that irl, so a few days later we met up. I knew this would be the big break up and the days prior left me with an aching stomach. The day of a really big test was the day he was going to dump me, he knew how important that test was, or at least I told him and he probably didn't care.
We broke it off and I mourned us. We had so many deep conversations and nothinh I had told him he had ever judged me for. I missed the friend he was to me. I waited two weeks, every day wanting to text him to tell him we could be friends. Until he threw me off every social media we had each other on. I might slightly be at fault here because I published a poem totally calling him out.. oops. But it still hurt. I texted him saying I had hoped we could be civil to each other. He replied by blocking my number. And that was it. Somehow I had gone from wanting to dump him to seeming desperate to have him in my life al though I didn't like him that much.
I guess the desire to be loved is bigger than to love for me.
