It's been a long time.

They/Them, Married, cat owner, mostly reblogs.

[tearlessrain]

funniest possible site to get this on

[cherryhatter-deactivated2015072]

KICK THE CAN!

Let’s play the biggest game of kick the can on the internet.

To kick the can, reblog it. I wanna see how long this can go on for.

[visibun]

the oldest reblogs for this post that i can find are from january 2nd of 2013. this can has been getting kicked around tumblr for almost 13½ years now

[yardsards]

but i stay silly! *←said in the most world-weary voice you ever did hear*

[fizzlepop-frog]

“but I stay silly!”

[sensiblereblogifposts]

Reblog you stay silly

[weaselle]

on it boss

[cheaphalloweencostume]

my least favorite literary smut turn of phrase is when a guy is like “im gonna ruin this pussy” “im gonna wreck this pussy for anyone else” like stop.. thats not yours…!

[goofda]

“Imma destroy that pussy” my friend 😔

[micaxiii]

Audio Source

[micaxiii]

what happens you combine two memes (which can be seen under the cut) and add one Bill into the mix

[depsidase]

[neptuniumochi]

nope.

it's closer to "the poor dont want to be exploited"

[thebibliosphere]

Every so often I catch a glimpse of the book drama going on over on the Insta/Threads sphere of the Internet, and it makes me so glad I’m considered too Tumblrina to sit at their tables.

What do you mean an author is railing against people using libraries/the Libby app because it’s “free” (it’s not. you as the author get money from the library purchasing the digital lending license) and meanwhile their book is on Amazon for free to try and get readers??? Hello????

[thebibliosphere]

“But if people read it for free they might like it want to buy the rest of my work!”

You mean like how people read books at libraries, and end up buying them if they like them?

“That’s not the same 😡”

Correct! Because again, libraries pay us. You putting your books up on Amazon for free means you get nothing.

[libraford]

Me, asking everyone i work with individually-

"If you found a piece of candy in an Easter egg, and it was individually wrapped, but you knew it had been sitting outside for 24 hours and it had rained in that time, would you eat it?"

Mow crew: "hard no." "What? No!" "Thats so gross"

Tree crew: "um no, I hate candy."

Steve: "this is such a specific question, also no."

Handyman: "what... kind of candy?"

Me: "what kind of candy would you say yes to?"

Handyman: "if it was a sour patch kids i-"

Me: "Say less, dude. I got you covered." -hands him a sour patch kid-

Handyman: "...what? Why are you always in situations?"

Me: "Dude, I dunno. But this one got me candy."

[libraford]

Today in Steve:

Me: -talking about the wedding I went to, reference my sister in law and her partner-

Steve: back up. Your sister in law is gay too?

Me: well I mean, shes bi, but yeah?

Steve: I understand having mostly gay friends in your case because you get to choose that, but you don't choose your family- how do you get two gay people in your family?

Me: well you see... my cousin Mandy is gay, her brother Gerald is pan, my girlfriend's cousin Darcy is gay, my mom is bi, cousin Jerry is ace-

Steve: -burdened with the knowledge that there isnt a limit of one gay cousin per family-

[xaurianqueen97]

Yeah most of the time you have to get an extra Gay Pass but if you go in after Xmas the town hall will give you a family plan. My dad got one for us back in the 2010s

[libraford]

I keep renewing my trial subscription under different names.

[exxos-von-steamboldt]

[delicatefury]

I just googled this and… yes, it’s absolutely real.

And there are so many articles and videos and discussions. Like, the scientific community is buzzing about this.

So much research will have to be redone because the data was absolutely compromised, off by orders of magnitude, by using standard lab gloves.

The world is probably not horrifically contaminated by microplastics. Sterile laboratories, however, are contaminated by latex and nitrile gloves.

Thank God someone bothered to check.

[beardedmrbean]

>I just googled this and… yes, it’s absolutely real.

Sources beyond dude just trust me, for the skeptics.

Scientists shocked to find lab gloves may be skewing microplastics data

Scientists may have been unknowingly inflating microplastics pollution estimates, and the surprising source could be their own lab gloves. A

https://www.technologynetworks.com/applied-sciences/news/scientists-lab-gloves-may-be-causing-an-overestimation-of-microplastics-411138

Nitrile and latex gloves may cause overestimation of microplastics, U-M study reveals

Nitrile and latex gloves that scientists wear while they are measuring microplastics may lead to a potential overestimation of the tiny poll

Nitrile and latex gloves may cause overestimation of microplastics - Phys.org (it’s a pdf)

An Embarrassing Mistake May Have Skewed Microplastics Research All Along

Researchers discovered a standard piece of lab equipment has added thousands of microplastic ‘false positives’ per each square-millimeter un

Ordinary Lab Gloves May Have Skewed Microplastic Data

Ordinary Lab Gloves May Have Skewed Microplastic Data: That doesn’t mean microplastics aren’t a problem, though

That should be enough

[kyonite]

trying to create an ebay account to sell smthn and tell me why I can't use my REAL LEGAL LAST NAME because it includes "dick" which ebay considers offensive

BUT THEN IN THEIR MISREPRESENTATION POLICY THEY SAY YOU CAN'T COLLECT MONEY TO A BANK ACCOUNT THAT'S NOT IN YOUR BUSINESS OR LEGAL NAME. BUT MY LEGAL NAME INCLUDES DICK, WHICH YOU CONSIDER OFFENSIVE.

the sanitization of the internet is so fucking stupid we live in the stupidest time

[yaoiblackmold]

[graygiantess]

"I hope your favorite character is played by an actor you hate!" Tired, unoriginal, etc.

"I hope your favorite character fucks your dad!" Devastating, weirdly specific, about to happen to Harry Bogosian in three weeks.

[inbabylontheywept]

so my highschool was huge, and for god knows what reason, cross country was super popular. at my highschool of maybe 6000 kids we have close to 750 cross country runners. we needed four or five busses to take us to meets. it was absolutely fucking insane.

anyway, i have this core memory of us running as this big, thundering herd down the main stroad of my hometown, and this one car had inched up pretty far past the stop sign to try and see around the car, and the guy leading our group decided, for god knows what reason, to open this big car's passenger door, scooch across the back three seats, and pop out the other side.

but then the guy behind him did the same, and we all just decided, why not, so we all did, and there was this old guy yelling at us but he couldn't just pull away because there was this unending 750 person long conga line of overheated hyperventilating sweat slick scrawny mormon kids slithering all over his leather seats and if hed tried to pull away at any point after the first guy he'd have kidnapped at least three of em.

for bonus points this guy lived in the area, and every time we ran past him he'd just lay on the horn, but to get back at him wed run into neighborhoods that we saw him enter and wed make these giant congo lines at crosswalks and shit just to fuck with him. we tormented that man.

[eggblackoutpoetry]

[inbabylontheywept]

i love this blog

[dungeonmastersdiary]

[alexaloraetheris]

We used paper cutouts glued to toothpicks and stabbed into erasers, but I like this idea better.

[inbabylontheywept]

For a college game, I used an entire box of candy canes as a size colossal monstrous zombie grasshopper, and then when it died I ripped the box open and used the candy canes as size large monstrous parasitic horsehair worms erupting from its corpse. Nobody actually wanted to eat them after that so I took them home and ground them into a powder with a pestle, intending to add it to my hot cocoas. But I didn’t wash the pestle very well last time after using it to crush garlic and chilis, so I accidentally made chili-garlic-mint powder and then I tried serving that cocoa at a later D&D sesh, and we were all baffled at why it tasted so horrible until I was like oh my god it’s the ground up zombie ass worms. I contaminated them with garlic and chilis. And the group was like YOU GROUND UP THE ZOMBIE ASS WORMS AND FED THEM TO US which seemed like a lot of fuss over what would have otherwise been free and delicious cocoa. Then after that before taking any snacks they’d ask did you perchance put any zombie ass chili-garlic worm powder in this?, and then refuse to eat until I said None.

Which they thought was very funny, even if I was slightly less amused, but I bided my time until they got tired of the joke and stopped specifically asking. Then I poured all the remaining zombie ass chili-garlic worm powder into a bag of party mix. The first guy to take a bite spluttered, and I laughed, and everyone said WHAT DID BABS DO, and I said THE WOOOORMS… YOU FORGOT TO ASK… OHMYGOD… and then I laughed so hard I actually cried. Derailed the start time almost an hour.

Oh that was a wonderful day.

[bonetrader]

A good, a neutral, and an evil DM. In this order.

[inbabylontheywept]

I used to do cross country in high school, and there was this guy on the team that was wonderful. Great guy. But his advice to everyone that asked how to get good was to run 20k a day.

If you don't run, I'll just tell you, most people's bodies cannot take that kind of abuse. No matter how much you train, you will not be able to run 20k a day. It's like how you can't train to make your cuts heal faster. You recover as fast as you recover. So while a big part of what made this guy so succesful was the dedication and mental toughness needed to actually run 20k a day, an equally big part was that he healed like fucking Wolverine. And that's fine, but it would've been nice if he knew that and stopped telling new guys to commit suicide by jogging.

Different guy on the team ran like, 5-6k a day, which actually isn't all that much. His problem when he gave advice was that he didn't really get that 5-6k a day doesn't generally produce elite results for most people. He was lucky in the sense that he didn't have to work all that hard to get great results, and unlucky in the sense that if he pushed himself much further than that, he fell apart.

I think about those two whenever I get advice from succesful people. The very things that make them outliers also make their advice useless to most people. Worse, they're often outliers on totally separate ends of the same spectrum, so their advice will be contradictory.

[inbabylontheywept]

@creamsoda-slut no, this was a thing on our team too. The 20k guy had a cast iron stomach and he loved hotdogs. I eat hotdogs as a like, a nostalgia thing, but he just truly genuinely loved them. So some runs, he'd duck into a gas station and buy some. Pair it with the fact that this guy also had a major league pot belly, and it was a sort of accidental psychological warfare tactic. I'd be running along, panting, sweating, dying of heastroke by the AZ canals, and then Mr. 20k would blitz past, potbelly jutting 3 inches past his nose, a greasy gas station hotdog in both hands, and then he'd yell HEY BABS YER DOINGF FERFIFIC and I'd realize in the kind of sluggish way you realize everything when it's over 100 degrees that he had a third hotdog in his mouth and wasn't even out of breath. And then he'd slap my ass and chortle through his hotdog in this sort of huffy HEUHEUHEUHEUHEU and just rocket over the horizon. It was incredible. Like running with Dionysus.

Another time, we had a girl who wore a tankini on a run to the pool. Some of the other girls were Scandalized, so the coach made a thing about it and she was super embarrassed to be called out and then for the next pool run he showed up in a yellow speedo, gave himself a wedgie up to his nips and just slow jogged in front of the complainers the whole way to the pool. There was nothing they could do. If they tried to go fast, he could just pick up speed indefinitely, he was impossibly fast, and if they went slow, he, he had no issue just taking a mozy with his buns out.

Nobody complained about the tankini after that.

At another race, him and a few other varsity were having a contest to see who could pee up a tree the highest. He won when he ran up to the tree, still pissing, and did a sort of half-backflip that resulted in him falling straight on his head while also whipping piss like 12 feet up the tree. Everyone cheered him on so fucking hard, and he was ecstatic, I distinctly remember doing one of thus chest bump things with him and getting pushed back like 8 feet, but immediately afterwards he had his race and he kept getting lost because it turned out that the whole landing directly on his head thing gave him a concussion. And despite going on like, 3 wrong turns, he still won that race.

I was never friends with him personally, I just kind of watched him in awe from a distance. An incredible human being. One of my favorite people of all time. Only flaw that he had is that he casually would tell new guys to join him for workouts, and then the rest of us poor saps who had actually tried it once would go over and have to tell the new guy to Actually Please Don't Do That.

[conkreetmonkey]

Dude, that was fucking Wario. You met Wario.

[inbabylontheywept]

[calisotalatina]

[inbabylontheywept]

so. my wife came downstairs just as i took a bite out of the remaining half red onion on the counter. literally within seconds of just getting away with it. i looked at her, and she looked at me, and we both sat there a moment, all frozen, before she said babs, what the fuck. i tried to say i can explain but it came out as or corn explorn because such was the onion in my mouth that there was no room for words. its honestly a miracle that she understood me at all. at least, i'm assuming that she understood me because she did let me get my bearings for a few moments. a smarter man would've used that time to think up a good lie, but instead i just chewed as fast as i could because i knew i was gonna have to tell a whopper and i really wanted to be able to use big words again.

big words are instrumental to telling a whopper.

anyway, i totally ran out of time. i barely got my first swallow of onion in before she said well?, and i did at least have an empty mouth to match my empty head. but also i had no lies. so i looked her dead in the face, opened my mouth and waited, every bit as curious as her, to hear what excuse my mouth was gonna come up with.

im pregnant, said my mouth.

great job, mouth, said my brain.

mmmmm onion, said my mouth.

better you than me, said my wife.

then she went upstairs. it has been two hours she still refuses to kiss me. im devastated. im shook. im crying a little, i think.

(but that might just be the onion.)