Introductions. (1/27/2016)
I don’t remember, a lot, due to amnesia, but sometimes memories come back. They come in waves and they feel overwhelming a lot of the time. Sometimes, a certain smell will bring back months of memories that flood my brain and I don’t know how I’m supposed to cope with it. Some days, I’m really upset and I can’t figure it out. A week or so later, I’ll usually realize that a particular memory was in the back of my mind, as it happened a year or two before the current date. It’s... unbelievably frustrating, having to deal with this.Â
I was in a huge argument with my mother. I can’t even remember what it was about, but I remember that I didn’t want to live. We exchanged heated words, she went to sleep, I went to my room. I grabbed a knife and hopped in the shower. I don’t remember how long I cut myself for, but my shower was painted red. The only thing that snapped me out of that moment was one of my best friends calling me. She was crying and was about to drive over to make sure I was okay. I told her I put the knife down, and I got out. I don’t really remember anything after that.Â
I was doing so much better, before this last month. I don’t know what else made all of this pop into my head, maybe it’s that one night, which was my last suicide attempt. Maybe it’s that I’m coming up on 2 years clean from norco abuse. I really have no idea what’s caused me to flip so hard. All I know is that I need help, and I want to get better. I don’t want to live like this, and I really don’t want to regress. I need to move forward in life. I need to be healthy again. I don’t need someone to pick me back up, I don’t need to be carried to a better place. All I need is to focus on being healthy and hope to God that the people who say they’re here for me will listen to my voice when I feel invisible.
Depression is such a strange thing, especially with when it’s combined with anxiety. At times, I feel like I’m in a crowd of people that I know, and yet no one sees me. Sometimes, I feel as though I’m screaming, pushing every bit of air out of my lungs, but no sound comes out. It’s like trying to claw your way out of a coffin, but your hands just break. No, there’s not always a reason for my depression. I’m not going to sit around and say “wow, I’m really depressed because I don’t have as much money as I want.” That’s foolish. That’s being upset, not depressed. For some reason, I wake up, and the only thing going through my mind is “your life doesn’t matter, you don’t matter, no one cares about you, you aren’t doing anything in your life. Just die.” I can’t change those thoughts easily. It takes a lot of fighting to be able to shake off those feelings, and yes, some days, it is like a light switch. Every now and then, some random memory comes back to me, and I can’t help but feel happy. I’m thankful for each and every one of those. I’m hoping that by attempting to track my mood, thoughts, ideas, and life through this blog, that I can become and remain healthy. I guess we’ll see how much of an impact this makes.
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