memorizing memories

a digital diary to help a graceless girl preserve her priorities // tagging will take time

[lovelysuggestions]

dont underestimate the power of kindness. strength is not being cold hearted and aloof, it’s being amicable in the face of bitterness or gentle with those who need to be loved. so please, if nothing else, be kind.

[memorizingmemories]

6.25.18

“damn it, how will i ever get out of this labyrinth?” -- simon bolivar

there has come a time where words and thought and support have failed. i cannot undo the choices i have made. i cannot erase the feelings i have had. i cannot remove the pain from my heart. there are too many people telling me too many things and there are too many unknowns and there are too many risks. “you were in love with stuart a week ago. think about that.” cannot be unsaid. “i don’t want to be the downer friend.” cannot be unrepeated. the seed of paranoia cannot be removed. the fear of the future cannot be remedied. the beginning of the end cannot be undone.

god, do i hope this isn’t the end.

tears make the pages blurry and exhaustion makes the words seem worse. perhaps giving in and crying until sleep will help solve the problems presented by loving two people so deeply and so differently at the same time. back to looking for alaska once again, where i find new meanings in pages once about the friend that died. now they are about the friends that live, and oh, how complicated that must be.

damn that grad party. damn that car ride. damn it all to hell.

[memorizingmemories]

4.26.18

"love is friendship that has caught fire." -- ann landers

feeling the pain wasn't quite so painful when i had people i love feeling it with me. and when someone else you love offers do something just to make your life easier, how can you not be grateful?

[memorizingmemories]

4.17.18

“vulnerability is the essence of romance.” -- ashton kutcher

when he fell into our arms as he was pushed, i noticed he smelled like sweat. amidst the laughter and movement, i found i didn’t mind.

[memorizingmemories]

4.12.18

“maybe there’s something you’re afraid to say, or someone you’re afraid to love, or somewhere you’re afraid to go. it’s gonna hurt. it’s gonna hurt because it matters.” -- john green

to see him laugh.

oh, god, to see him laugh.

[memorizingmemories]

4.10.18

“i am alive, and drunk on sunlight” -- george r. r. martin

i remember how electric, how human i felt when he was standing next to me. i remember the laughter and the embarrassment and the joy. i remember it carrying to the trunk of the car. i remember the feeling of sunlight on my face and the sound of the bass. i remember the happiness. i refuse to forget.

[memorizingmemories]

4.3.18

“good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.” -- mark twain

today’s afternoon was spent with my best friend and her boyfriend. now, they are my best friend and my friend. with barriers having been taken down and with secrets having been revealed, i can now hug my friend goodbye and not feel as though it is too soon.

[memorizingmemories]

3.28.18

“i like to think that as i get older i’m getting better at spending time with people who have qualities that make them worth spending time with.” – samantha power

i don’t want to forget

the feeling of the lights,

the sensation of lips on my skin,

the sound of laughter,

the thoughts of consequences i paid no mind.

i don’t want to forget.

[memorizingmemories]

3.25.18

“and ove realised that he wanted to hear her talking about the things she loved for the rest of his life.” – fredrik backman

we sat in panera for hours and talked about our lives, as if there was nothing else other than the booth and the lights and the bagpiper and the music in the background, undercurrented by our voices sharing our pointless stories as our souls grew warm in each others’ glows. and still, i wonder what it would be like if it were him instead of devin.

[memorizingmemories]

3.24.18

“fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself” -- j.k. rowling

in hopes of abating my anxiety over the impermanence of the memories of my experiences, i’ve decided to begin a digital memory journal. it will likely contain thoughts, retellings, and any other information i deem important to maintain. it is here for people to find, if they are looking for it.