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vacantdesk‌:

the other’s mother visiting was still something that he found solace in. he wouldn’t have to leave in order for that to happen. however, he felt guilt for ruining the attitude of the conversation just simply by being a bit too unaware of his fate for the moment.

his eyes lift from the sheets toward the other again when he felt the gentle grip on his hands. haruka’s features show confusion as he glances back toward the other. the other’s hopes may be dashed as he does notice the slight quiver to them, however he says not a word and simply covers them with his free one.

squeezes to provide comfort when the other stresses the word. the way the other says it, makes him want to believe that he will leave one day. mouth opens to dispute the fact.

you don’t understand. he wants to say. i’ve already come to grips with it. i’m not leaving, this place is my tomb. he wants to convey.

doesn’t want to bring the other’s hopes up to so cruely tear them down when he no longer holds the consciousness to face the consequences.

despite that. despite trying to trample the slight hope that he had building in his chest – it did grow. grow warm and welcoming. miracles happened, didn’t they ? his care had been successful, he had been in good cheer. perhaps…

tore, he glances up and ignores the way his voice breaks. ❛ yeah … yeah, i’d like that a lot. ❜ eyebrows furrow as he feels something on their combined hands, and glances down. a droplet. eyes scan upward. was there a leak in his room ? that wouldn’t do. it was only until they continued to speckle their hands, and he noted the way his collar had grown wet did he realize he had been crying.

how long had tears been forming ? had he allowed himself to cry in front of someone ? not wanting to release their grip, he decides to rub the tears away with his sleeve.

❛ haha … that’s weird. ❜

he screwed up, didn’t he? from the way haruka’s voice cracks, to the way his own hands shake, this is something that shintaro would classify as a screw up, but he really...god, he really wishes that haruka kokonose will one day find a way out of this clinical hell that he had ended up in. it wasn’t his fault for being here, not like shintaro and his broken bones that had landed him here for his own stay.

the world doesn’t deserve haruka kokonose, that’s something shintaro can say with confidence.

still, he only holds onto haruka’s hand tighter, gives it a squeeze of his own, meant to comfort as his own gaze drifts to the bed-sheets. unsure of what to do next, unsure of what to say, there’s a moment of silence before he does speak again.

it’s soft, only meant for the two of them and he lets go of haruka’s hand with one hand, to cup one of cheeks, brushing away tears with his thumb.

“i really want to be able to call you senpai, i really want to be able to see you everyday and get to spend time with my best friend, i want to be able to go to movies with you, i wanna be able to study with you. i just want you to be there.” he wants that constant with haruka, wants what they had during shintaro’s hospital stay to be a fixture outside of the hospital.

he wants a future where haruka is alive.

#vacantdesk

vacantdesk‌:

❛ super mom, huh ? ❜ a smile that gently spread across his features. haruka himself hadn’t known much about his mom from what his foggy memory from before ten would tell him. despite that, he would still be excited to see what kind of woman had raised shintaro.

❛ really ? i’d love to meet her, she’s probably a fantastic woman. ❜ pleasant laughter mixed with a gentle tilt of the head. ❛ oh, i don’t mind. it’s not like i have much to do, so company is always appreciated. the more the merrier. ❜

fingers clap and then spread out in an excited way. before leaning back into the pillows. gently eating the fish shaped food. at the mention of a possible bias, he would shrug.

❛ maybe, maybe, but even you have to admit that you’re smarter than you give yourself credit for. ❜ a glance toward the other when he get’s quiet, eyebrows furrowing slightly. then the big kicker.

the question completely dampers the previous sunshine child. eyes darken and glance toward the bedspread.

a soft laugh, and then a smile is returned toward the other. just slightly smaller and more contained then previously wore. tired. the first adjective that could describe it. tired of being contained in such a white box that would never let him free while he had air in his lungs.

❛ i wish i could join you too. i want to go to school, be able to eat lunch with you – study, focus and worry over exams … ❜ a blissful sigh, one that has already chalked the wish up to only a dream and nothing more.

“she is.”

his mother really is, though shintaro really doesn’t have much else to say about her. he and his mother were close, but there was no way to describe how kind she was without the bias of being her son being inherently obvious. still ,he goes rather quiet when he sees haruka’s eyes darken and his gaze shift off of shintaro. there’s a surge of guilt for a moment, the urge to say ‘forget it’ and try to regain that spark of sunshine that haruka had had in his eyes was there, but that wouldn’t be easy.

his own gaze falls onto the tiled floor for a moment, struggling for words before he moves to take haruka’s hands within his own--a vulnerable gesture, one done without thinking. he just hopes he doesn’t notice how his hands shake.

“well, when you get out of here--”he stresses when, there’s no doubt in his mind that haruka will get out of here. what cruel world wouldn’t allow him to leave? “we’ll see about getting you into whatever school i get into, okay?”

#vacantdesk

vacantdesk‌:

“ i bet your mom is great, hm ? i’d love to meet her one day. “ gentle words as he’s continued to quietly eat, leaning into the pillows just slightly. haruka would not deny if asked that he was so excited of shintaro’s return. it felt childish, a few weeks missing and he was already in doomsday territory – believing of a never return. childish, now that he thinks about it.

however, he had only one experience before – and she has yet to return or visit him. haruka tries to ignore the pang of worry there and be happy for her. possibly she was going to school again, worrying about entry exams and meeting new friends.

he’ll ignore the sketch of her burning through his sketchbook as shintaro lights up again and he’s redirected to the front. the other’s smile always felt like a rare treat to him, given how morbid and quiet he was before.

it quickly swept haruka’s mind of worry as he clapped his hands, excitement bubbling over.

“ i’m sure you will. just talking with you, i can tell your incredible smart. if they deny you, then they don’t know what they’re missing. “ cheeks puff up at even the simplest though that shintaro would not get into his chosen school.

“ and i’m sure you’ll do great there, and i’m sure you’ll have so many great experiences that you wont regret. “ another smile.

“She’s a real super mom.” That’s all Shintaro could really say about Chinami Kisaragi; she was a super mom, there was no other way to describe her than that, as she had been the parental figure that Shintaro knew best. It wasn’t his dad’s fault for that, of course, it wasn’t Momo’s fault either, but after years of his mother being a single mother? Shintaro couldn’t help but think she had done the best for her kids.

“You could meet her. I mean, she’s been curious about the guy who convinced me to go back to school.” And had pestered him with questions about who he was, what he was like--It was only a bit embarrassing on how much his mother already liked Haruka for simply doing that, she would probably dote on him like he was her own child in truth.

“She’s really busy though, but I could probably get her to come with me next time? If you’re up for more than one visitor.” Shintaro lets out a small chuckle at that, smile softening as he heard what Haruka said about him and School. There’s a small shake of his head, “Well, I think you’re biased, Haruka, but thanks. I try.” Still, there’s something that bothers him, though Shintaro won’t voice it.

Why hasn’t Haruka left this place yet? “I think I’d be a lot happier if I had you as a classmate.” Said softly.

#vacantdesk

shebitesgodinthewrist

I am dying, rotting in platitudes, nastiness, and grayness.

Arthur Rimbaud in a letter to Georges Izambard

vacantdesk‌:

the game was discarded for the company of a friend. haruka would very much prefer that over fictional ones and zeroes. the easy smile will make his own just that much more brighter as he laughs.

“ yeah, better than them not trying, i suppose ? “ he doesn’t like to speak ill of those that care for him … however he did miss food that had flavor. with each food that shintaro would list, his eyes would lean back toward the bag. it would be rude to eat in front of the other, but he really really wanted to grab a bite of the food. deciding that they had grown close enough to forgive a little mild manners, he would move to reach for the taiyaki, as it seemed the easiest to eat with company.

a small bite, and his eyes practically fire up with joy at the flavor, he’ll wait for the thank you’s after the other had completed talking and there was … less food in his mouth as he continued with vigor at the taiyaki.

the other’s next statement would blow that out of the water though as he glances with wide eyes before excitement takes over. he allows a second to swallow the food already in his mouth before he begins to speak.

“ really ? i’m sure you’ll do great with how smart you are ! i’m so glad. “ it did bring happiness to him knowing that the other was making an effort to reach out to others, enjoy the semblance of school. his smile slowly becoming much softer.

“ you’ll have to tell me all about it, i’m sure you’re going to have so much fun. “ for a moment he forgot about his own ticking clock, excited for the future for once in a long time.

“Yeah, I know. Just, I guess I’m picky. Mom makes the best food at home.” And with standards like that? Well, who could blame him? Shintaro had standards, that went away when it came to Junk Food, but everything else? He’d be picky. Shintaro would reach into the bag himself after a moment, grabbing at one of the cans of Cola he had stuffed in there and opening it. Listening to it fizzle for a moment, he’d be quick to take a long sip as he listened to Haruka speak. Honestly, Shintaro was surprised at how much he had missed this, had missed Haruka, but it shouldn’t have.

This boy in the hospital was the only person he could really count on as being his friend, one of the few people he didn’t know anything about Momo or her fame. It made friendship easy, not having to worry about whether someone was using him to get close to Momo. Because as soon as he discovered that? Yeah, talk about ruining a friendship pretty quickly.

“It’s going to take some getting used to, I’m hoping to get lucky and be accepted into one of the schools in the town next over. But I’m just hoping it won’t be too difficult. Momo’s always complaining about how hard school’s gotten in the time I haven’t been there.” He really wishes Haruka was going to school too. The prospect of seeing him every day was something that Shintaro would have enjoyed, but he won’t voice that.

#vacantdesk

vacantdesk‌:

loneliness was something that could so easily sweep over you within these walls. watching as people came and go, visits from family that promised to bring them home the next day. it twisted his chest like nothing else.

his father never visited. perhaps the loss of his mother was too great, and he chose not to get close to a son that was doomed. sending a check and paying all the medical bills easily the only gift he could offer.

still, haruka tried to make the best of it. smile at those he saw passing in the hall, light conversation with the nurses. going outside more …

he was playing a handheld game when the other entered. he had not been given another roommate yet, so he was free to play with the volume up. a few crashes and cries of enemies to come destroy his avatar.

a few taps and a smile lightens up his face. victory over a battle when the door is gently knocked upon. eyebrows furrow. the nurses aren’t do for another few hou … oh.

seeing the other enter, surprise immediately sparks before quickly being brushed away for a smile. excitement. shintaro had visited him, and from what he could see – brought food with him as well.

❛ ah ! thank you, you didn’t have to, you know. ❜ successfully pausing the game, he adjusts in the bed to look at the other fully. ❛ the nurses try, but they … it gets old. ❜ deciding against speaking ill of, he quickly gestures toward a seat.

❛ cmon, sit. tell me how you’ve been since last time ? ❜ takane had not returned when she had been released, so he half expected shintaro to do the same. no one wanted to continue to return somewhere you had been trapped forever. he was pleasantly surprised when he was proven wrong.

There’s a small part of Shintaro that’s thankful for there not being another party in the room, it makes a little less awkward, not having to fumble through introductions to a third party that he wouldn’t have been interested in.

It looked and had sounded like that he had caught Haruka in the middle of playing the game that they had played together, merely a few weeks ago. Scratching the back of his head, the other’s smile is contagious, worry dissipating rather quickly due to Haruka’s warm words.

A similar one blossoms on Shintaro’s own face, a rather easy smile.

“I know they try.” But still, that didn’t mean the food was any good and Shintaro still cringed at the thought of having to eat that again. “But I’m not a fan of food with no seasoning, myself.” And just like that, he takes his seat at Haruka’s side, placing the bag of food on the nearby dresser within Haruka’s reach. In truth, there hadn’t been much for him to relay about the last few months. “I have takoyaki, taiyaki, chicken fried rice, soda, onigiri and other stuff in there.” Shintaro bites the inside of his cheek, wondering for a moment on whether Haruka would be disappointed or excited when he told him about what he had been doing in truth. It had been his urging that had led Shintaro into doing so, after all. “I’ve been okay, same old, same old--I’ve been doing entrance exams though. Just waiting on the results now.”

#vacantdesk

It’s been a while.

He knows it. He knows that he should had made time, but time had gotten away from him way too easily. Still, even though, he keeps telling himself that Haruka will understand, there’s a feeling of tightness in his chest that he just can’t help but despise.

So he had brought a assortment of food with him that he knew Haruka liked. Was it a bribe? Well, Shintaro would call it more so of an offering in truth. (It’s a bribe.) Knocking on their once-shared hospital room’s door, Shintaro would carefully let himself in.

“Hey,” He swallows. “Brought you some food to get you some variety other than icky hospital food.”

@vacantdesk

#verse. / tbd #vacantdesk #i hope this is okay! I'm a little rusty