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shortly after their four year anniversary, she started feeling a little lost and insecure, but not actually insecure u know, cuse they were happy and he's good to her, it's just sometimes she thinks about their future and can't make up her mind on if she still wants to see them together. it's not like there's anything explicitly wrong with their relationship, they've just been together for so long it feels more like a habit than a choice, but it should be a choice to love, she thought. she sees posts from her friend on social media sometimes, the friend who seems truly in love with her boyfriend, she's seen the way he looks at her. she's not sure if her own bf has ever looked at her that way, but he makes her breakfast once in a while and carries her handbag for her while shopping. but love is supposed to be passionate, she thinks, as they cuddle but he might as well be a stuffed toy

she's been working as a server at this restaurant since she graduated from community college. life is okay, usually she's too busy to think about the days passing by, only when shes walking home at 11pm or when shes in the shower that she wonders why shes so tired when she can't remember anything worthwhile she did that day. it's okay, she always thinks about how someday she wants to live in a bigger city, maybe seattle, cuse new york and LA are too hip they intimidate her a bit, and maybe she'll have her own plant shop. she studied hospitality in college, half cuse her mom said at least she can work in hotels and half cuse her college didn't have a botany major and she'd rather not care too much. our family used to be pretty important back in korea, her mom once told her, your great-grandpa was in the military. i bet he didn't think i'd be working for minimum wage in this foreign country, she thought.

it's the third time this morning she went to check on her daughter. ever since she started avoiding school and locking herself in her room, huahua feels like she doesnt know what to do with herself in this house. shes worried about her daughter, at first about the homework that shes missing (how is she supposed to get into a good college and support herself in the future if she falls behind now?), then about her health (being stuck in a dark room all day, and with that phone?), but now she feels almost numb. back then in china there was no concept of mental health, but shes beginning to realize there might be something wrong with both of them. her husband comes and goes and she woke up today at 5am as usual, making breakfast always with a steamed egg (for nutrients) that will sit in the room until it becomes cold, like any other day

her name is huahua. when she first came to america and people asked her what her name was, they could never pronounce it on the first try. hu-ah hu-ah? they would juggle the unfamiliar syllables on their tongues, and she would feel a little embarrassed, even though she knew they didn't mean anything bad, it's just different. she couldn't understand what they said most of the time. she stayed home mainly, in her family where they spoke chinese and she could pretend she was still there and not here, where people would say hi to you on the streets but also scream at you in the subway.

from the perspective of my dog:

At first she was searching for something, somewhere far away probably, that blurry memory in her mind of safeness, maybe she could get there if she kept walking, around that corner, down this path, across the road. then as it became more familiar she was craving for adventure, something new, again, maybe if she kept walking, but they never seemed to go past an invisible boundary. something always made them turn back, but they would go a little further once in a while. eventually, as she turned another corner and crossed another road, she realized this whole world looks the same. the same houses, the same roads, the same lawns, the same cars, nothing has changed but everything had changed. maybe this is just it, she thought, maybe even if i keep walking i will still be me, and my world will stay the same. what was i searching for in the first place? i don't remember

2026-05-20

green pass u by

im looking at u

in my mind, ur the summer that

never ends,

stick breath, nectar sweet

and me

my ex once said so u want freedom when i went on a messy tirade about what i want out of life and i feel like that was the smartest thing hes ever said but anyway... hes right. when i pictured my perfect relationship, someone i wanna be in love with and spend my life with, i think of this scene from the MV for 如果我们不曾相遇 by 五月天 where they are on a road trip and mountain road and they stand against the railing and scream into the mountains. i wanted that kind of love, where u can go anywhere with someone and it would still feel like home, where instead of it feeling trapped or tied down, u get to fly with them. i dont think i thought about that a lot after i started dating evan, but i think we've unintentionally recreated that scene. we were in taiwan on alishan and he was driving and i love going on trips with him because we can do anything we want. we stopped next to a tea field to steal some tea. it feels like freedom. looking back on my past posts about my exes and wanting to find the love, i feel a lot of emotions about finally standing here, with him. i think i tended to romanticize everything, and as i got older it faded, probably as my frontal cortex matured or whatever, but its nice to be reminded that life is pretty good. ive achieved a lot of the things i wanted. ive done things i would have never imagined, and i will do more.

When my friend asked me why i wanna get married, i told them its because we felt like we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with each other, that it seems like a good time. when my friend got married, she went real hard diving into the traditional meaning of marriage, how solemn the vows, a grand promise before god of your ultimate commitment to each other. many ppl in china seem to think that marriage is almost an exchange, a deal, if u will, where both families trade what they deem to be equal (in their children and monetary things). i suppose this means that marriage should be whatever u want it to be, since it was all determined by people themselves anyway. maybe there is no greater reason than the simple fact that we just like being with each other, so much that we make a promise that we will just be with each other for the rest of our lives.

i was reading a xhs post this guy wrote about his ex gf whom he cant forget. i feel like some people are born to be writers, but moreso they are philosophical people who can put their thoughts down on paper in a poetic way. anyway, i just felt like it was ironic that someone who couldnt make it to the end with the love of their lives can write something more profound and heartfelt than i can when im about to get married i.e., win. anyway he said when he was thinking about marriage, he felt like it wasnt the materialism that makes it appealing, but rather it seems like a contract within societal structure rooted in romantic feelings. that people dont form this contract because theyre trapped, but even under the circumstances where they can retain all free choice, they still want to give another person some of their freedom. which i think boils down to that long-term relationship and marriage is a conscious choice. the fact that you are willing to make that choice every day to commit to someone is perhaps at the heart of marriage. but see i never couldve written that myself, i would have just said the last two sentences lmao

i remember when we went clubbing for the first (and only) time like a week after we started dating and it was 3am we were in a chinese restaurant that was still open and we were sitting at a somewhat sticky small table facing each other. i dont remember what we got, but i remember when you confessed, almost shyly, that you think you wanna change your future plans for me. your hands were shaking, and i reached out to hold them. we didnt know each other that well back then, but even now the weight of those words still holds. it was also at that time i asked you what ur favourite color was and you said denim. i think we've both improved our fashion senses since then.

im thinking about what to write in my vows during our wedding ceremony. i dont want to be too corny, too stereotypical, too shallow; i want to be authentic, but im not talented enough to distill the grandness of all my feelings for you and for our future into simple words and sentences. all i can think of are phrases that perhaps attempt to capture a miniscule part of our relationship, like grasping at the wisps of smoke. i am grateful that this account exists, because i can look back at what ive wrote since the beginning of our relationship and remember all those moments. ive been doing that less now, maybe because im used to you - in a good way - like settling down in a new place and not noticing how door closes in a particular way or that the counter is just a little tall. but sometimes you still sit down and think to yourself wow i never noticed how the sunlight comes through the window at that angle, how marvelous.

im getting married. this account has recorded my thoughts and feelings from high school until now, 10 years later. If there was a representation of my late adolescence and youth, this would be it. its been with me from when i had no idea what love was or what kind of person i would actually wanna be with, to my first relationship, breakups, and finally, marriage. but its also more than just musings about love, i pour my deepest thoughts here like screaming into the void. i hope this void will stay here forever

i am the most lazy person constantly being prodded and tortured by my artistic vision such that i must continue to cling to existence and the requirement to //do things//

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when i went to agu i finally met dani whom i have heard so much about, ever since i was a masters student. after i told rowan that i don't work on weekends, he remarked that only one other student of his said the same thing. that was the first time i learned about dani. thereafter ive heard much about her through bits here and there. from those i gathered that she was an amazing scientist that i should look up to. so when i finally had the chance to meet her, i didnt wait for my advisor to introduce me. nevertheless, he told her about me. lightly and mildly as usual, he noted that when i applied to be his student, rowan wrote in my recommendation letter that the only person he could compare me to was dani. in that moment i was struck by both elation and depression - endlessly happy that rowan had such high expectations of me, yet i suddenly felt so scared and sad that he must be disappointed with what ive become. i felt like i wasn't living up to his expectations and hopes for me. i look at someone like dani and think how could i ever become someone like her. two years ago maybe even one year, i would have bravely thought that i would definitely become someone like her. i lost my drive, my confidence, the main things that rowan saw in me and thought would make me a great scientist. im scared to talk to him again

growing up is collecting tears. during adolescence i didn't cry much but the older i got the more easily the tears seeped out of my eyes. i had more in me that could only be expressed by the light saltiness i taste on my lips. i cry for me and for what is no longer me

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