Mercy DeGraves

Recording my thoughts and memories because I don't know who I am without them.

[mercydegraves]

Please remember me like this: in a summer dress, the wind stealing my dignity, staring out to the sea, as if asking for it to sweep me away. Remember me here, amidst the age softened rock, sprayed with the perfume of kelp and salt. Do not let me corrupt this memory, my eyes swollen shut from the tears that stain my face red. Don't remember me curled up in a corner trying to discern which of my monsters are real. don't remember me with blood running from my wrists and staining the white carpet. Just remember me by the sea.

[mercydegraves]

I write because I have no other choice. If the words don't bleed from my fingers, then I will suffocate: my heart will be much too weak to push them through my veins.

~@mercydegraves

[mercydegraves]

"Why do I love sailing? I think it's the nonsensical contradiction of it all; how else can you be utterly free and at the mercy of the very elements you control?"

~@mercydegraves

[mercydegraves]

"She smiled sadly; as if whatever she saw was beautiful to the point of heartbreak."

~The Red Rotary, @mercydegraves

[mercydegraves]

"Whenever I listen to music I feel as though I am in a film, that suddenly my mundane existence is filled with possibility. That with a soundtrack I am suddenly a hero, someone who can be loved, something more. Music makes this life tolerable, even if it doesn't throw me into a life of drama or save me from the mindnumbing habituality of modern life."

~@mercydegraves

[mercydegraves]

"My mother often calls me 'kovula'; a plant without roots, that when the slightest wind blows, it'll let go and drift away. Standing in the doorway, a bag slung over my shoulder, I understand, sometimes the desire to run away is so overwhelming that I'm tempted to let go and never look back."

~@mercydegraves

[mercydegraves]

"Chaos is such a pretty word. Mayhem. Pandemonium. Anarchy. Why am I attracted to destruction? Likely for the same reason that I love spring. Once everything burns down, I want the snowflake ash to decorate my hair, to dig my hands in the soil fertilized by death, and coax my mother's poppies back to life."

~@mercydegraves

[mercydegraves]

I find it quite funny, God could appear before me, bathe in the light of all that is good, and beg me to believe, but I'd push past and laugh, if my demons aren't real then you can't be either.

@mercydegraves

[mercydegraves]

"You cannot save the world worrying about what other people think. Stop wasting your life on the person you don't want to be."

[mercydegraves]

"The sky is still blue, you're alive, our time on Earth is awfully short. Smile, even if through tears."

~@mercydegraves

[mercydegraves]

"I am burdened by the beautiful things I can never see again."

@mercydegraves

[mercydegraves]

I've recently discovered that there are two types of people in a stressful situation. There are those who stay cool and level-headed no matter how intense things are. And then there are people who throw themselves into danger, betting on luck to get them out. Perhaps it is unwise, but I don't remember any heroes who were cold and calculating.

[mercydegraves]

I find that the first response to encountering an ethical dilemma is denial. Everyone tries to talk themselves out of the situation, escape the responsibility of making a decision. Escape ownership. Call it bravery, or cowardice, but I accept that I am no better than the beasts, and when it comes down I would destroy everything in my path. How can you blame me for survival? For my humanness?

[mercydegraves]

"There is a moment, every night, where we turn off the lights, and everything goes dark. For a moment there, one can become convinced their world has vanished. That everything that they ever knew and loved, simply disappeared. That moment requires utmost faith, it is both the doorway to the sun painting the floor again and an invitation for darkness to consume you. We must stumble around in this pitch abyss, desperately hoping for our eyes to adjust, and though things may be painfully grey, we can have the comfort of knowing we exist."

[mercydegraves]

I do need God to justify my place in this cold, uncaring, universe. I am comfortable with being insignificant. To observe the beauty, that shines through the eyes of my loved ones and the flowers that stretch their soft faces to the skies, is more enough to justify my existence.

[mercydegraves]

"I have a bad habit of arguing against everything. I could believe a philosophy with all my heart, and I'll go ahead and argue why it's wrong. Why do I do this? Why do I insist on living in a world of half-truths and absolutely no certainties? Am I trying to disprove what everyone else is saying so that they feel as lost as I do?"

@mercydegraves

[mercydegraves]

"I'm terribly afraid. All my memories are slowly slipping away and I lack the skill to immortalize them on paper. Who will I be when I forget that one sunset over the Pacific, where the gold bounced off the pitch-black sea and the cold didn't bother me quite as much."

~@mercydegraves