after being picked out, scapegoated, severely bullied and psychologically tortured by a previously trusted person in mid 2024, i became obsessed with the idea of learning to feel empathetically for others. my original role in our system was as a carer (for people external to our system) and as a survival mode fronter, internally. i felt very little for practical, lifesaving, and survival reasons. like a robot, designed to maintain efficent care, but with little to no social-emotional capacity. i didn't know if it would be possible or if our brain would be flexible enough to allow me to access neurological processes previously inaccessible to me. but it is. since then i have begun to experience very deep and intense feelings for others and have been trying to teach myself (and inadvertently help our system to learn emotional regulation) to process and experience and understand these feelings and experiences.
i'm still a caring person overall, but now my role is as a learner, student, researcher, experiencer, and primarily: a feeler. this is terrifying. im designed to be a helper and now, despite still feeling that pull incessantly i am the person who needs help to survive. but im happy, alhamdulillah, i'm so deeply grateful. the person who abused me (specfically, attempting to turn the system against itself and use that a measure of control of us) was wrong. i didn't do any of things they thought i must have, simply because i felt less. and since then, i have chosen my own destiny as an alter, with the full support of that system. together, we are re-learning how to feel. this change in my role is, imo, a beautiful and natural evolution in my understanding of what it means to be a carer for myselves and others. reciprocity, vulnerability, and bravery increases strength, love, and communal support.
