mesmi

NEW MUSIC ♫ FRIDAY 10/25

[mesmiwho]

hi! i'm here!! *new songbaby talking* 👶🏻 ~ excited to share this international collab with you ✨ 🌏 available through the link-in-bio, or if you're into ⓣⓨⓟⓘⓝⓖ: ▶️ bitly.com/SuchAShame (p.s. capital letters count tho 🤓) ~ created w slovakian producer Andy CJ wutwut👯 take a 👂 and lmk whatchya think! https://www.instagram.com/p/BoMnujIA2TI/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=9bc8goghieyp

[mesmiwho]

⋰d⋰o⋰n⋰'⋰t⋰ ⋰w⋰o⋰r⋰r⋰y⋰ ⋰b⋰a⋰b⋰e⋰,⋰ ⋰i⋰ ⋰g⋰o⋰t⋰ ⋰y⋰o⋰u⋰r⋰ ⋰m⋰e⋰s⋰s⋰a⋰g⋰e⋰ ⋰l⋰o⋰u⋰d⋰ ⋰a⋰n⋰d⋰ ⋰c⋰l⋰e⋰a⋰r⋰ ⋰s⋰i⋰l⋰e⋰n⋰c⋰e⋰ ⋰t⋰e⋰l⋰l⋰s⋰ ⋰m⋰e⋰ ⋰e⋰x⋰a⋰c⋰t⋰l⋰y⋰ ⋰h⋰o⋰w⋰ ⋰y⋰o⋰u⋰ ⋰f⋰e⋰e⋰l⋰ ⋰ . . #lyrics from new tune ̶̨̹̤͚̗͉̊͂͑͠s̶̙͔̽̆̌͊̅̑̒u̶̧̹̳͗̅͑̈͒͛̐̄̌͜͝c̸͖̪̗̟͚̘̤͈͇̋͌́̔̎h̸͈̲̼̋̈̍͂̓ ̶͔̺̕ä̶͖̠̤͔̬͍́ ̷̗͎̤̝͍̀̈́̽͂̓͑̏͜͠͝s̴̜̰̾̎́̎͒̉͐̐̅͠ḩ̴̛̳͎̈́̔̀̈͐́̃a̴̢̡̖̤̺̫͎̒̈́͝m̶̨̢̞̒̊ë̸̢́̐͛̍̐͘͠͝ . coming tmrw WHAAAAT ヾ｜￣ー￣｜ﾉ https://www.instagram.com/p/BoJ6_3FlyOv/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=4ztjwnt9a1i4

[mesmiwho]

𝓂𝒶𝓎𝒷𝑒 𝒾𝓉 𝓌𝒶𝓈 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓌𝒶𝓎 𝓌𝑒'𝒹 𝓌𝒶𝓁𝓀 𝓈𝒾𝒹𝑒 𝒷𝓎 𝓈𝒾𝒹𝑒 | 𝒿𝓊𝓈𝓉 𝒶 🇧​🇷​🇪​🇦​🇹​🇭​ 🇦​🇼​🇦​🇾 𝒻𝓇𝑜𝓂 𝓁𝑒𝓉𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓂𝑒 𝒾𝓃 🌬 . . . 🔜 more #lyrics from the upcoming release, coming WED 😵 excited to share this new tune with you! https://www.instagram.com/p/BoHWPSlAyOx/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=n5mrvi39lk9t

[mesmiwho]

m̟a̟y̟b̟e̟ i̟t̟ w̟a̟s̟ t̟h̟e̟ w̟a̟y̟ y̟o̟u̟ h̟e̟l̟d̟ m̟y̟ e̟y̟e̟s̟ p̟l̟a̟n̟t̟i̟n̟g̟ t̟h̟e̟ s̟e̟e̟d̟ u̟n̟d̟e̟r̟ m̟y̟ s̟k̟i̟n̟ . 🌱 🔜 #lyrics from a new song coming your way 🆅🅴🆁🆈 🆂🅾🅾🅽. more teasers to come ʕʘ‿ʘʔ happy #tgif! https://www.instagram.com/p/BoAM93znVTW/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1x961fbhwumkq

[mesmiwho]

👀 out! So excited to release some #newmusic very soon 🤗 Sending a new tune your way this Monday July 24!

[mesmiwho]

this year, this year... been watching, thinking, reading a lot about all that's going on, last july to this. what it means for my ladies, for my poc family, for those constantly disadvantaged. structures of power and inheritance of sentiments. where our eyes go, how we value, the measures we use. what it means to care. what is real and what isn't. how to live out loud in a way that is real, beyond trends and hashtags and internet clamor.⠀ .⠀ still don't have the answers. life's always on (until it isn't). life goes on (until it doesn't). outter & inner, both run their extremes. in, it's been a year of weddings and funerals, making my mind's running theme those who choose to leave and those who leave without a choice. what it means to care. what is real and what isn't. ⠀ .⠀ i have so many freedoms, privileges and experiences i am ever thankful for. even more so for the friends who touch my life with wisdom, who inspire, who help keep a flawed human heart on what it means to care. what is real and what isn't. ⠀ .⠀ want to celebrate how far we've come but in the knowledge of how much i myself have left undone. want to hope and look to a u.s. that is truly about an us and beyond the just us.⠀ .⠀ just some thoughts. as ever, sending my <3 ~m happy #4thofjuly

[mesmiwho]

click here to enter the site with all the tags written for the journey tree!

[mesmiwho]

05. there will be

people who were around when my first 3P came out or who've gone back in my catalog may feel familiar with this one.

when my dad heard i was doing this, he wasn't too into it.

i'm all: "it's a remake, dad, people do it all the time." he's like: "they're going to think you've run out of ideas and don't have enough to put something new out."

this is a sad possibility when i have a million other songs waiting in my files (and i can feel them pleading at me like those unfortunate sea urchins in ursula's underwater cave), but not totally unwarranted when i know i've barely put anything out.

anyway, this reprise though! the production's pretty different, the form a little tweaked, … i just think there's something beyond, maybe more, to get through this acoustic arrangement. 

i wrote "there will be" at the start of my dive-into-music journey, knowing there would be difficulty ahead and still choosing it. or just plain choosing.

i've learned so much, going from absolute petrification when performing publicly, hands freezing and knees knocking, to happily singing out to strangers on the street; from not knowing the difference between production and mixing to DOING my own production and mixing; from feeling endangered every time unwelcome and unfamiliar male attention pointed my way, leered at me, to being empowered in knowing my strength as a woman and as a person.

part of it, granted, may just be from growing up. but the root of it, if not most of it, has been letting music and its expansion of my ear open me to new worlds of experience and diversity, justice and freedom.

to be honest, this is a song i still need sometimes.

i don't know if being an artist is something you can choose to be -- it's like God, what does that even mean? -- , but i chose to walk this path, and every morning when i wake up,i do it again.

i'm grateful, and i do it again.

THERE WILL BE on iTunes | Spotify | Bandcamp | Amazon | Google Play

[mesmiwho]

04. winding road

regret, i had so much regret.

i felt like i had lost myself to the years, and blindly seeking, scrabbling for, the unending attempts to find myself in the aftermath of a dwindled sense of being, it was like trying to make shapes out of so much scattered sand. 

no template. no map. no proper skill set. 

just furtive movements in the overwhelming sea of a million combating thoughts. 

i'd end up back in the same place, wondering what i was doing, where i was going, but without enough corporeal form to escape. i was the invisible man without any sense of my own body, marveling at my own absence.

oh my empty heart, it can take no more of these false starts, leave you worse than before

regret, i had so much regret.

drowning in sleepless nights, sinking with empty yet heavy limbs, because there doesn't seem to be much reason to sleep when you don't know what you're waking up for and you haven't done enough in the day that seems worthy of rest.

gain the world to lose your soul

pride can do that. anger can do that. fear can do that. getting caught in a where without a sense of why can do that.

“winding road” was one of the very first songs i ever wrote. wandering the sidewalk on a 10-minute work break, gazing at the streetlight, not yet a songwriter but "hearing" words pass through my head and laying them down in an old iPod touch that i didn't buy but somehow became mine.

WINDING ROAD on iTunes | Spotify | Bandcamp | Amazon | Google Play

[mesmiwho]

03. afraid of anything

as a child, my fears weren't so original. (not that they are now, either.)

i was deathly afraid of the dark. teddy bear talisman clutched to my chest and heart pounding, i'd gather all my courage just to cross the hallway to my parents' room after yet another nightmare. the darkness was the unknown where horrible things must lurk, full of the monsters and demons that dance in a child's imagination.

later, the fears grew up and made friends. i became afraid of being heard, afraid of disappointment and regret (a big one for me), afraid of having something that mattered too much.

these fears were long-lived and sneaky, somehow transmuting from not just a fear but becoming a part of the landscape that determined my path, subtle rails of vegetation demarcating where to step and how far off you shouldn't go.

coming into music was seeing the limits for what they were,just phantoms and specters, without flesh or force of their own,and while i still fall into the same veins of these fears, now i'm afraid of other things more.

of being disconnected from the bigger picture, of a shallow life and a pinched perspective, afraid of letting my heart get hardened by the world and afraid of living only for myself.

maybe the fears don't ever go away completely. but i've realized i have to at least try in spite of them.

. . .

i stumbled across this quote six years ago and saved it. it's by anais nin. she wrote:

"life shrinks or expands according to one's courage"  

AFRAID OF ANYTHING on iTunes | Spotify | Bandcamp | Amazon | Google Play

[mesmiwho]

02. learning to be myself

independence and strength are things i wonder about a lot. 

i've always been my own person.

growing up, i cared more about creating things with my hands than how it would roughen them, more about deep conversation than the latest gossip, just more about spending my time and thought doing what i wanted to do regardless of popularity and what other people would say. even how i looked -- i was the kid that never combed my hair and never ended up wearing what the "cool kids" or even the "normal" kids wore.

comparing and competing and aesthetic as personal value has never really been my thing.

it's funny though how all those childhood convictions start to get wobbly, in young adulthood. 

that surety seems to have eroded as i've gotten older, trying to keep my eyes open in an industry and society where we tout freedom but what's on the surface seems to be everything, and we tend to wander far from each other, physically let alone emotionally. 

figuring out our own lives, and having to, we meet and leave and meet and leave.

this time and process of learning to be yourself all over again. or maybe for the first time.

i'm still figuring it out.  i'm still learning. i know it'll never stop. perspective on yourself is a strange, ever-growing, never-knowing thing. sometimes it's great, sometimes not so much. but it's definitely worth learning.

i guess there's one thing that can be said about it… even if it can feel lonely, at the same time, we're all in the same boat.

LTBM on iTunes | Spotify | Bandcamp | Amazon | Google Play

[mesmiwho]

01. heart so full

sometimes you have an idea of what you want, and you work hard at it, but you're made to wait.

and wait and wait and wait.

maybe you've been working hard at something or someone, and it's been weeks, months, years even, but it's like you're still there. not too far from where you started, but all-the-more bursting with all this unfulfilled, pent-up feeling just boiling, roiling, inside you from the built-up energy accumulated over time.

i genuinely believe everyone has different gifts, that everyone has something they're good at and can contribute. it's not always obvious, and the world may not give it the worth it should. a lot of times it can take us a little while to figure out what that thing is for ourselves, and it can take even longer for others to recognize it after that…

so yeah, waiting sucks. 

but like a lot of negative things, on the flip side, i've found there is the possibility of something really invaluable in waiting.

it refines us. grounds us. makes us question what we really want and the angle of our own mindsets. it gives us time to be intentional and make ourselves better at the things we really value.

so here's one to the other side of opportunity. to the things we hold inside us, our thoughts, our wants, our latent or unknown eddies, 

the parts of us that haven’t been given a chance yet.

HEART SO FULL on iTunes | Spotify | Bandcamp | Amazon | Google Play

[mesmiwho]

0. intro ( i am ( where ) i am )

place.

when i was a little younger, i thought i'd work internationally. i love(d) people, culture, language. whether it was in one place working for the global community, or traveling to different places to do what i would do, i wanted to experience everything and learn all the things i couldn't from staying in the familiar.

i was lucky enough to travel to many places around the world, some for work and some for pleasure, and whether wonderful or disillusioning, each experience grew a part of me. yet at the end of it all, i ended up back in los angeles, staying for longer than i ever thought.

every now and again someone will ask me if i think about moving. and the thought, it does cross my mind. maybe because i'm not naturally a california girl. i grew up on brick buildings and thunderstorms and falling leaves. who knows what will come?

but to be honest, the journey of the past several years with all that travel and growing by doing something i'd never thought i'd be doing taught me something new. it led me to a new discovery. and that was that i don't really care where i am, as long as i can do what i love (create) and live purposefully.

( where )

the question + the fact, simultaneously.

( I AM ( WHERE ) I AM ) on iTunes | Spotify | Bandcamp | Amazon 

[mesmiwho]

Pick any one of headings below to share a part of your story with the wider world. If you like, you can include your name and location, but you can also leave it completely anonymous. And feel free to fill in more than one if you feel especially inspired :) * * * Your response may be used in the new album art or a music video, and you will also have a chance to win a free download of the EP when it comes out! (Just make sure to enter your email address at the bottom ;)

Click HERE to share a bit of your journey via the online method, and be entered to win a free download of the upcoming EP.

[mesmiwho]

gems from saturday night's show #💎 #iawia (at MCAU)

[mesmiwho]

Link in bio!

[mesmiwho]

Not gonna lie, three shows in a row felt like a lot, but it was an amazing check for how much has happened so far in my music journey. With the intensified activity, it was that much more clear how much my community has grown, where my experiences have brought me, how much I have learned as a musician, as an artist and as a person. Even a year ago I played so differently and felt so differently on stage. Process. Preparation. Progress. So much to be thankful for and so much work still to be done.