[messy-adventures-blog]

I Fucking Shaved for This?

So the weekend had finally arrived which means transitioning from a Wookie to a smooth baby. First of all shaving is no easy task you need to be a damn acrobat, my body is not meant to bend that way. Have you ever tried shaving your booty? I did once when I was 16 and an idiot.. not fun. not at all. I usually don’t bother with it but with all this anal talk I thought fuck it why not? Ive gotten many brazilians, and they always make you bend over on all fours and spread the checks, but I was feeling lazy and broke so thought “fuck it i’ll do it myself”. So here I am in my bedroom bent over in front of my mirror with this mini wax strip between my cheeks, attempting to wax my own ass, cause shaving it is just not going to happen. After another hour or so I was finally ready to maybe getting fucked up the ass. 

Around 1am this stupid kid shows up drunk out of his mind, I had finished a whole bottle of red by the time he showed up. I suck his dick (naturally) and he finishes in my mouth, doesn't even last 5 minutes so theres a glimpse of the night I'm in for. After about 30 seconds of sex he says he has to go home he has the spins... like really? I waxed my own fucking ass just for you to get a blowjob and go home? I didn’t even get anything out of it. Then he leaves me on read and doesn't message Saturday night, after going on about how he was going to make it up to me. It is now Sunday night and I am sitting here with a face mask on sexually frustrated as I wasted a good shave. Fucking boys.

Very disappointing night to say the least. Moral of the story: men are complete trash, just get a vibrator and a bottle of wine... its all you need 

[messy-adventures-blog]

Eat that box like bento

Me to dudes 

[messy-adventures-blog]

Anal Adventures: Preparation

So maybe attempting anal for the first time this weekend. It is the year of eating ass so I guess I should get with the times. Oh and pro-tip don’t type “first time anal” into google, you will only get porn, trust me, I learned that the hard way. 

First off: What if you have to take the Brown’s to the super bowl? if you know what i’m saying. How does one properly prepare for this? So many questions revolving around pooping alone! Everything on google says to make sure your bowels are empty to avoid a mess (yuck!), but im sorry google, I can’t shit on command! So this leaves me with the next best option.. a good ol’ enema, which does not exactly sound like a walk in the park either. On your knees with your arm wrapped around your back, sticking a bottle tip up your butt and pumping it full of water mhmmm sounds like a fucking blast. Then you can finally make an offering to the porcelain throne and hope to god you're all cleaned out. Im going to need a bottle of wine and some Xanax just for the preparation stage.

The Dirty Deed: Then there is the act itself. Our good friend sodomy. The many Cosmo articles I read didn't exactly help the nerves with words like “bleeding” and “bite a pillow” like thanks.. thats really reassuring. Not to mention the horror stories you hear about pink sockets. The one thing almost every woman in the article said in common was “it will hurt the first time” so bring on the lube and please pray for my butthole. 

If anyone has any Xanax or advice, please send it my way. We need all the help I can get