metamorphing9

give, give, forgive, let go...

[honeytuesday]

my blog is just one long love letter to myself and all the people i used to be

[weltenwellen]

Hanif Abdurraqib, In an Interview with Krista Tippett

[weltenwellen]

I don't know how to live in this dirty and shameful skin. I don't know how to come to terms with everything that has been done to me and everything I've done. I am beyond redemption and I can't be forgiven. It's late. I don't know what to do at this point.

I would strongly recommend you to seek professional help. It's very much simplified and I hope it's not disrespectful to you or comes across as I am not understanding of the magnitude of your trauma, your distress or your situation, but how we view a matter / a problem / the past internally and in a dialogue with ourselves is never equal to how we view something externally as we speak it into the world, as we express it, as we share it with others. You sound like you have carried what happened to you, the aftermath of it and how you felt and still feel for a long time. The longer we view something and / or repeatedly are confronted inside of us with something that feels unspeakable, the more it grows inside of us and the more difficult it becomes to share. Shame is like a weed in that way. It has the ability to grow rapidly and it grows so thick it keeps out even the slightest sliver of sunlight. I know it feels impossible to believe but there are ways to heal and get better. As a human being, you have a need to be seen, to be heard and in order to heal you have to share your story with someone who receives it with empathy, compassion and kindness. And as I said, you will need to view what happened to you from a different perspective. Expressing it will not only give you that perspective but as a consequence you will begin to understand that you can heal. Because speaking about your story / your past / your trauma will not only in time bring you clarity but it bring you peace and new hope for having a future that is free from the heaviness of the past.

[the-book-diaries]

“But there was no need to be ashamed of tears, for tears bore witness that a man had the greatest of courage, the courage to suffer.”

— Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning

[animusrox]

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002) dir. Peter Jackson

[mournfulroses]

“I see the sun, and if I don’t see the sun, I know it’s there. And there’s a whole life in that, in knowing that the sun is there.”

— Fyodor Dostoevsky, tr. by David McDuff, from “The Brothers Karamazov,”

[weltenwellen]

Octavio Paz, tr. by Eliot Weinberger, from “Letter of Testimony”, The Poems of Octavio Paz

[vollenden-deactivated20250930]

“Our hearts beat so loud the neighbours think we’re fucking when I’m just trying to find the nerve to touch your face.”

— Andrea Gibson, “Pansies”

[its0intoxicating]

“My mom always told me that there are two kinds of love. The safe kind you look for someone who’s exactly like you. It’s the kind of love that’s easy and doesn’t challenge you. It’s complacent and unexciting. But then there’s the other kind of love. The fierce kind. The kind that feels like your heart has been ripped apart, wide open and raw. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken but the risk is greater than the possible harm. Those moments that you have together make you wish that you could stop time. That kind of love…you come out of it a different person than you were when you started.”

[stargazerinmoksha]

sometimes when you ask me the really hard questions and i don’t know how to answer you with my brain because you require that i love you with my heart and my soul, all i ever know how to do is to love you brightly with all that i am— sometimes when you don’t ask me to stay with words, but with your actions, i have always approved of love, but i never knew love to be as sweet. you tell me that my eyes are heavy because i’ve been thinking too much and missing people often messes with my head, but for all of the love that i couldn’t give to others, you have kept it safe for me from time to time. you tell me that i deserve to feel like i could save the stars from collapsing into themselves, a blackhole is deserving of love too, you’d say. an open sea, my open love letter, did you really mean it when you said you’ve been in love with me before? i have asked myself for forgiveness because i know that i can be dramatic, i know that i can get angry and upset with stupid shit, but you still delivered my sleep right back into me. all of my anxieties and fears are scared of you, a blanket made of flesh and bones, she’s safety calling me home— inside of things only i could make up in my dreams and hopes. all of my angels telling me to sleep, all of my wings telling me to fly away, all of my poems hushing me back to bed. love has always been kind to me, i can only love where love speaks to me. i can only be a fleeting moment inside of forever, so promises of infinity and the cosmos writes itself into my veins, all of my stars shoot back into me— for if i ever needed a better way to recognize my truths, i need only to look at you.

—to answer your question, this is how i love you

[stargazerinmoksha]

i know i still have a lot to work on and my goals are just tiny red strings waiting for me to cling onto them. words are just words if we don’t back them up and give them meaning, i have been trying to see my destiny through, all of my worth left inside of my hands— where does your belief of me come from? which heartstrings do you pull on to play that loving melody? which parts of my soul do you recognize yourself in? which parts of my smile do you like the most? is it when i’m too awkward or when i just woke up? i’ve been lost a few times and i think i finally made it back into myself, i still get flustered and upset, but isn’t the whole journey just a bunch of tiny steps? i’ve been trying to ask myself as to why you love me so much, i know i can be rough with you and i know i can be a handful, but you have always been gentle with my thoughts— which parts of my laughter do you laugh with? is it when i’m done with the day? or when i laugh at how silly i’ve been? a wise man once told me that the truly intelligent learn to laugh at their own mistakes, i try my best to understand all that i am without fear that i will lose myself once more. i know that you’ve been counting my good days and my bad days are slowly catching up, but as long as you’re here— i just wanted to thank you for being my shelter when i don’t know where to go.

—desi

[stargazerinmoksha]

a deep longing, a sound that’s in between how you feel and how you can’t express it well. a surrendering of sorts, freedom to be as you please, but afraid that falling will take its toll on you. a butterfly floating in the wind, a standstill, a masterpiece, an abstract idea of just going away, far away— they say that death is the last adventure, from the very first breath that we stole from the earth and gave it right back, if lungs helped, if hearts helped, if love were enough, baby, i’d be right there

—writing it out (part 6)

[guulabii]

i think love is revolutionary because when done right, it allows for accountability, for growth, for healing, for laughter, for joy, for connection, for touch, for coming home. maybe it is foolish of me, even a little stupid to think of it as such but when done right, when honoured, when fulfilled, when prepared and boiled and served well, it truly does magic, it truly changes lives, it nourishes, it feeds, it gives hope, hope, so much of it.

[willxtessa]

Tess, Tess, Tessa.

Was there ever a more beautiful sound than your name? To speak it aloud makes my heart ring like a bell. Strange to imagine that, isn’t it – a heart ringing – but when you touch me that is what it is like: as if my heart is ringing in my chest and the sound shivers down my veins and splinters my bones with joy.

Why have I written these words in this book? Because of you. You taught me to love this book where I had scorned it. When I read it for the second time, with an open mind and heart, I felt the most complete despair and envy of Sydney Carton. Yes, Sydney, for even if he had no hope that the woman he loved would love him, at least he could tell her of his love. At least he could do something to prove his passion, even if that thing was to die.

I would have chosen death for a chance to tell you the truth, Tessa, if I could have been assured that death would be my own. And that is why I envied Sydney, for he was free.

And now at last I am free, and I can finally tell you, without fear of danger to you, all that I feel in my heart.

You are not the last dream of my soul.

You are the first dream, the only dream I ever was unable to stop myself from dreaming. You are the first dream of my soul, and from that dream I hope will come all other dreams, a lifetime’s worth.

With hope at least,

Will Herondale

[metamorphing9]

Forgiving is just giving your hate a little room in your heart.

- A moment to remember

[zeitwei]

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I never meant to break your heart. God, what have I done? Are you crying now? I didn’t want to see you crying or in pain. I wanted to make you happy, but all I’ve done is put you in agony. Chul-soo! Oh, my love, Chul-soo. Don’t get me wrong. I only love you and only you. I only think of you. I only remember you. How badly do I wish to show you my heart. Is there any way I can do that while my memory remains? Oh, my heart races. I, Kim Su-jin love you Choi Chul-soo, only. I don’t want to forget that and I must not. Can you see that? Can you feel my heart? I’m afraid my just-returned memory will leave me again before I tell you everything I have to say. I love you and I’m sorry. I met you because I was forgetful. I’m leaving you because I’m forgetful. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. How thankful I’m to God for having sent you as gift to me. I don’t have to remember you, you’re a part of me. I smile, laugh and smell like you do. I might forget you, but nothing can drive you out of my body. Although you’ve never told me you loved me, I know deep in my heart that you love me. Forgive me for leaving you. Please…”

— Letter to Chul-soo (A Moment to Remember by John H. Lee)

[weltenwellen]

good god, the heart truly knows what it wants, doesn’t it? it’s my want to protect it that makes everything confusing.