M? @meutiahakim - Tumblr Blog

have you ever live in the phrase "everything takes time" yet instead of progressing, you slowly deteriorating?

Time will heal. but, what if, as time goes by, the monster even grew bigger?

I might never seen a toxic relationship between two people. But I've seen and experience the toxic relationship for a whole group, bonded by blood. And that's the most toxic thing I've ever seen.

2022 Remarks

It’s been months and possibly years since I expressed my feelings, the ups, and downs, in words. From several followings on Instagram, I think 2022 was quite a roller coaster ride for most people. However, I believe it was not for me.

I am quite proud of what I’ve experienced in 2022. Yes, it was a ride, but many things that happened feel like they fell nicely as it supposed to. Changes happened quite a lot this year, thus the changes were needed. Some were terrifying at first, but once I got the hang of it, everything was super normal.

Started off by moving from a tiny little apartment, one bedroom shared for five adults into a 4 bedroom house, with two bathrooms. Then, had my eyed-opening holiday with my best friend, completely just the two of us after months of planning, which apparently opened up a new door within me, that somehow brought me into a new hope to travel the world (or Indonesia for a more realistic approach). After being bored and see a lot of opportunities to have additional income, I became a career coach, to help people looking for jobs. It was cool and tiring at the same time. Then, decided to move to a new company after drowning for years with uncertainty and being treated like shit, and turns out that people that I thought didn’t care were even giving their care MORE than I expected. I did go out with a few guys that I just knew, none works as I expected but that’s okay. I had my first break out, was feeling very stressed about it, and thank God it has been getting better already. I also managed to be part of a small startup based in West Java, allowing me to visit the city (going on and off the train) almost every month. AFS-wise, I finally get the chance to be involved more since we had two hosting students: Ben & Ila who are very mature for their age. Also, the new company that I joined literally show me a different level of profesh, although the company decided to lay off 18% of the employee, and luckily I was part of the ones who stayed. Lastly, I had the chance to travel lightly, with only one backpack with my brother (of course, I put some of my stuff in his backpack haha) to drive around Bali, from swimming in the sea to hiking Mount Batur.

Although several plans didn’t work out as I hoped (no concert, no bf, no problem? hahaha), I’d like to thank everyone for being part of my 2022 journey. In short, it was great and memorable. I didn’t expect a lot happened this year, I set aside to write a year-long reflection on Dec 31st at 10.30 PM with fireworks in the background, but I am glad it happened.

Wish for a better (love) life, spiritual journey, and more travel-related experience. Finger crossed.

#2022 #growupbitch #reflection

meutiahakim

I’ve been feeling super shallow lately. I don’t make thoughtful choices, I am incapable of look deeper and listen more to what the universe and people around me are saying. Everything feels like running so fast like a supercar, where you can’t even see the exact shape and size it actually has. It feels like I’ve been missing all the details, that actually will lead me to something more wholesome. Everything I do feel insignificant, unimportant, yet it has to drench all of my energy, took all the time that I have, all the effort that I guess I put on to my only priority. Isn’t it such an irony?

Yet all the so-called “common goals” thinking has been making me feeling anxious, giving me the what-if thoughts popping everywhere, and making me less and less valuable. I hate to say this, but I am afraid of not having it a long way after the other had, even though I know the fact that it’s not something that we can plan and execute like any other plan. Yet, the insecurities have more votes than the confidence.

I feel like an alien, on my own planet. I wish I have a rocket, to visit a moon, to feel like a whole again, and come back.

you know, I actually just realized that I am that cool, in terms of those feelings things. I thought at first, I was gonna be carried away, somehow felt like I was losing someone. But then, as days passed, I managed to keep my head cool.

perfectquote

“But then it passed, as all things do.”

— Khaled Hosseini, And the Mountains Echoed

ritikajyala

There'll be a moment when you realise you're 27 when yesterday you were just 17; and you wouldn't be able to tell how a decade passed away and your life got divided into before and afters. The fury of youth will subdue and nothing will really change but everything will feel different when you look at old photographs and blurry videos taken on cheap mobile phones. Scents will remind you of childhood and certain friends you don't talk to anymore, hangouts will become reunions and mom's burnt pie will become the best food you ever had. And I know on some days you won't be able to show anything of those 10 years but I hope you remember to breathe, and let go of the knot in your chest. I hope you go out in the sun and live a little, because tomorrow is 37.

Edit- I added the visualizer for this piece on my YT, check it out here

-Ritika Jyala, excerpt from The Flesh I Burned

thank you for making my life even harder.

Learning it the hard way.

I found that learning has always been exciting for me. I like to learn something new, anything really, as long as I think it will somehow leverage my ability to do something, or simply give me an opportunity to rethink things that I already know. That’s why, I used to cherish my time at school, and always wanted to be the best because I just feel happy if I can measure my accomplishment and stay motivated towards school. If by any chance, getting into a Master's degree is free and affordable, I would love to because I like to learn. Simply, learning is my way to distract me from routines.

Lately, I have been learning the hard way, that to unlearn and let go is something that are cannot be done together. To unlearn means going back two steps from how the framework has already been there for years, choosing the other path, and implementing the other framework. To let go means to skip the step but stay in the range, by keeping the outcome’s standard. Hard, right? Especially if you were not given the opportunity to separate those two, or even sometimes to think which is which, how it is supposed to be done, and who should be doing what.

Well, as I said previously, I like to learn. Yet, learning something the hard way should not be the only option, right?

Sometimes all i want is breaking apart, so that I can finding what I am longing for.

The emptiness that fill

The consciousness starts feeling in the body like filling in a bottle, in the shore of an ocean gradually, with uncertain intervals and different volume each time. Heat starts swathe my body, absorb the warmth brought by the sunlight passing through the thin linen curtain

Mind rushing, recall the fond memories of yesterday finding the void. urge to wake the body but body deny.

I thought I was incapable of feeling pain. Apparently, it's a different kind of pain, that requires different medication and going through different phases to be healed.

Sometimes I see the opportunities to jump off a cliff, yet I can't see what's waiting under. does everything has always been blurry, or should I wait till the sun's up?

The sound of flying airplane at midnight always gives me chill. It has bring back so many memories, with all the mixed up feelings. I like it, miss it, and hate it at the same time.

Maybe it’s just me misjudged the situation

Unfortunately, the tickets for the fun rides are all sold out

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