fuck you tbh

i don't have to fucking tell you anything

[thegenesisrhapsodos]

Why would I apologize for being a monster? Has anyone ever apologized for turning me into one?

(via thegenesisrhapsodos)

[mfitzgeralds]

thecaptaincurfew:

It was draining for Eli to have a conversation with Fitz now. Back when things were good between them, it had been effortless to stand across from Fitz and talk about virtually anything. The differences between then and now were countless. A part of Eli would always feel bad for springing his feelings on Fitz in such an unexpected way but he sincerely believed that Fitz was taking it too far now. Causing bodily harm and damaging his property were extremes he didn’t think Fitz would ever direct at him. Eli longed to be anywhere else but here, to spare himself the headache of having to rehash it all with Fitz and be trapped in his company. He didn’t even want to tell Jake about this recent issue. Fitz was his problem to deal with and the last thing he wanted to do was worry Jake about something (and someone) Eli now deemed insignificant. Fitz had once mattered so much and now as Eli looked at him, he couldn’t see the qualities that had drawn him in to begin with. Eli kept his eyes fixed on him, wondering where he was going to go with what he was saying. But as expected, Fitz let the matter drop and Eli wasn’t invested enough to press for more. “I’m older and wiser now; I’ve been learning from all my mistakes as far as you’re concerned,” he quipped acidly. “Jake is perfect, I’m not about to deny that. I don’t mind being scrawny if it means I’m not an idiot like you.”

There wasn’t any headway to be made with Eli. Fitz wasn’t even sure he wanted to make amends, though it felt somewhat tempting whenever he was face to face with the other boy. His pride was the thing that held him back, making him reluctant to take any blame. And at this point, Eli seemed to have his life perfectly in order -- which he would inevitably disrupt. Once senior year was over (if Fitz even made it all the way there) the two would part ways and probably never encounter one another again. He would stay in Toronto while Eli ventured off god knows where, sharing his supposed brilliance with whoever he met later in life. It was too late to fix things, so Fitz opted not to bother trying at all. “Alright, alright. I’m done busting your balls for the day. You can save all your insults for another time when I ruin something else of yours.” he said, waving his hand dismissively. “But I’m not ruling out that I might fuck around with your boy one of these days. He seems like one of those calm types that could snap in an instant. I’d pay to see that.” Fitz grinned and turned his back to Eli, heading back to his car to drive home.

[mfitzgeralds]

thecaptaincurfew:

After the kiss that had destroyed their friendship, Eli spent a lot of time lamenting over it and wishing that he hadn’t taken such a huge risk. Fitz was his first and truest friend and within a matter of seconds, he had managed to drive a wedge between them. The fallout was catastrophic, so much so that any hopes for repairing their bond simply wasn’t possible. Initially, Eli had missed Fitz but with how much the boy lashed out at him and made it his personal mission to harm him physically, Eli got over that feeling quickly. It was hard to miss someone that was a deep source of pain, even if they had once meant so much. He didn’t know this version of Fitz and quite frankly, he couldn’t be bothered to attempt figuring it out. They were worlds away from each other, reduced to strangers more or less. Eli couldn’t identify with him anymore and it made him wonder how they even lasted so long in the first place. Any hope of having a serious conversation with Fitz about these things was almost laughable at this point. There was no getting through to someone like Fitz once their mind was made up. Eli stared back at him and shook his head. “I don’t know what else to tell you. It was obviously a mistake but how much time has passed since then?” he asked rhetorically. Rolling his eyes, Eli looked back at his car, feeling his temper rise again but this time, he swallowed down the foul things he wanted to say. “Another day, another chance for you to prove how small minded you are. What else is new?”

Fitz had become so good at repressing his feelings that sometimes, he almost forgot he had them. Everyone else was so attuned to their emotions and he simply wasn’t. He wished it was a case of being immune to them, but the truth was that he just refused to let himself go there. It had freaked him out that Eli had once had a crush on him, especially since he didn’t see it coming. The other boy had always come off as straight to him. If he’d had a crush on someone else, Fitz would have been weirded out, but not enough to completely ditch Eli. He was sure he would have overlooked the trait and did his best to pretend it didn’t exist. But when it was Eli’s lips pressing against his own, there was no ignoring it. It disgusted him, yet he thought about it more often than he was ever going to admit. “It just...” he started, his face scrunching up for a moment before he stopped himself from talking. “Funny, you didn’t think I was all that stupid way back when. I might not be an intellectual little shit like you, but at least I’m not a scrawny wimp. Even your beanpole of a boyfriend has that over on you.“

[mfitzgeralds]

thecaptaincurfew:

Eli sincerely doubted that Fitz cared about what this consistent abuse did to him. He knew all too well that Fitz wasn’t the best at expressing himself but with how frequent his attacks were, Eli was pretty sure that at this point, the other boy practically got off on treating him this way. If Eli wasn’t as strong-willed as he was, he wouldn’t have doubted how much this could have damaged him. But he knew that this was borne out of the fact that Fitz was an angry person and Eli had essentially put a bull’s eye on his own back for overstepping that fateful day inside of his hearse. Standing outside of it now brought back the memory of that day despite Eli’s best efforts to shut it down. He didn’t like thinking back on it, on how much he changed the course of their lives simply because of his unrequited feelings. In an ideal world even if Fitz hadn’t felt that sort of pull, Eli would have liked for them to coexist peacefully. But that clearly wasn’t on Fitz’s agenda as far as Eli could see. “Yeah, I did,” he said sincerely. That day no longer weighed on him or controlled his life. “I know that it happened, I could never forget,” he conceded. “But I’ve learned how to move forward. Clearly you’re yet to do the same. I can only apologize so many times. It happened, it’s done with. End of story.”

Emotions made Fitz uncomfortable, but especially those having to do with Eli. It hadn’t always been that way. At one point in time, he viewed Eli as his partner in crime -- the two doing just about anything and everything together. That only changed when Eli made a move to alter their dynamics. Fitz couldn’t even remember what the kiss had felt like now, but he knew all too well that it happened. What bothered him was the way he still felt about it now. More so, how his feelings about the gesture had changed in some way. Anytime he saw Eli, he had to veer his thoughts away from that precarious territory. If he didn’t dwell on it, it didn’t exist. He wanted to tell Eli it still bothered him, that he couldn’t not associate that with him anymore. That he still felt bitter that it happened and wrecked their friendship. But none of that mattered. All that bubbled out of him was anger instead of sincere words. “It’s pretty fucking hard to forget when someone tries to kiss you.” he retorted, narrowing his eyes at him. “Fine, whatever.” The only way Fitz was going to make progress at all was to be honest, and he knew he couldn’t bring himself to be. “Good luck fixing your car. I bet I’ll be seeing you drive around with it like that for a few days.” he grinned.

[mfitzgeralds]

thecaptaincurfew:

Had it not been for Jake’s influence in Eli’s life and him simply growing older and wiser, Eli would have followed through and taken great pleasure in inciting a fight with Fitz right then and there. But his life had become about so much more than having a smart mouth and acting on impulses. He’d learned how to take a step back and weigh the pros and cons of a situation. It wasn’t always easy but it had been something Eli worked hard on since his diagnosis. This wasn’t something Fitz would know about seeing as though he ducked out of Eli’s life years before. It made Eli all the more grateful for finding Jake and having that sense of security with someone that he was certain Fitz could never provide—or even want to. Eli chalked it all up to a lesson learned even though, at the time, it had been a bitter pill to swallow. His life had changed considerably since his friendship with Fitz came to such an abrupt end. Eli didn’t have any doubts that Fitz wouldn’t shy away from getting violent and true to form, he was bracing himself for Fitz grabbing him. Eli stared back at him defiantly, showing that he wasn’t at all scared or feeling threatened by the boy getting hands on. Eli eyed him curiously wondering what flickered across his mind that made him suddenly switch gears. Whatever it was, Eli steeled himself against the vehicle. “How about you just stay the fuck away from me,” he shot back. “I don’t know what your problem is. That crap between us happened years ago. Let it go and move on. I sure as hell did.”

Even though Fitz made a point of harassing Eli at every available moment, sometimes he did feel guilt for it. He was sure that Eli wouldn’t believe it even if he said so. The only way Fitz had ever been able to work out his feelings was through aggression. It was a nature/nurture sort of situation. He knew it for sure but didn’t care enough to change his behavior. Fighting was second nature to him. It was just that Eli had always been the one person he never saw himself turning against. Eli was right about the fact that he should have been keeping his distance. It didn’t help either of them to draw things out, dredging up the past over and over again. Fitz didn’t know how to stop himself when the urge hit him, no matter how wrong he knew it was logically. “You really did let it go?” Fitz asked, trying his best to hide the genuine curiosity, but failing for the most part. “Like, to you it’s like nothing ever happened? Cause every time I see you, I know it happened. What you did, I know it.”

[mfitzgeralds]

thecaptaincurfew:

Eli would have loved nothing more than to punch the smile right off of Fitz’s face but he had to be smarter about these things. In the back of his head he could hear Jake’s voice. His boyfriend was the perfect complement to him, mellow where Eli was far more inclined to fly off the handle. As much as he hated to admit it, Fitz was good at pushing his buttons. After knowing him for so long, it only made sense that the other boy would know the exact things to do and say to get the desired reaction from him. It was baffling that someone he cared about could turn around and treat him like this. Eli knew it was his actions that had driven Fitz away but never in his wildest dreams would he have anticipated that Fitz would grow so malicious towards him. The best outcome would have been if Fitz had ignored him completely but now Eli felt like a prisoner of the past, constantly stuck reliving what they once were. “Oh really, Mark? Do it,” Eli challenged. “So the moral of this story is that you have nothing better to do with your time?” he said, nodding his head once. “That’s exactly what I thought.”

Eli staying right in his spot proved what Fitz already knew to be true. He wasn’t the same scrappy, asshole kid he’d once known. It seemed like he’d mellowed out over the years, which to Fitz, translated to him getting significantly more boring. He doubted that they could even be friends again if there was a chance for it. Fitz didn’t see that coming, given the fact that Eli had become his favorite punching bag since their friendship fell apart. Too much had transpired, and Eli had changed too much to be of any use to Fitz. When Eli repeated his name again, Fitz didn’t hesitate in making good on his threat. He reached for the shorter boy’s collar, gripping it tight and nearly lifting him off the ground by it. Making eye contact with him, Fitz held it for a moment before feeling a strong wave of discomfort engulf him. He turned hastily and threw Eli’s back against his hearse, satisfied at the sound he made when his body thudded against it. “Fuck with me and I fuck with you, Goldsworthy.” he warned, glaring at him. “Basically.” Fitz answered, willing to accept that answer as opposed to digging within himself for a more genuine one.

[mfitzgeralds]

thecaptaincurfew:

If he could, Eli supposed that he’d free himself of all the memories he had with Fitz. Perhaps he would regret it down the line but it was suffocating to have it hanging over his head on a near daily basis that the two had ever been best friends. There was a good stretch of time where no one knew him better than Fitz did. Comparing those days to where they were now, it felt as if they were completely different people—and maybe they were. Eli had come into his own in recent years and with the exception of his relationship with Fitz now, things in his life were actually good. His hands curled into fists at his sides, his shoulders tense. “A lot about me has changed. You have no idea what I’m capable of.” Seeing the sour look on Fitz’s face made Eli’s lips curl back into a smirk. “What? Mark?” he repeated, feigning innocence before laughing. “Believe me, I know how much of an asshole you are. I just don’t get why you keep starting with me. Like you said, there are other people and yet you go out of your way to pull stunts like this,” he said, gesturing to his damaged car. “It doesn’t make any sense.”

“You have no idea what I’m capable of.” Fitz mocked, barking out a laugh. “There’s some of those theatrics I keep hearing about with you. Total bullshit too, if you ask me.” Fitz wasn’t very good at expressing his emotions, or even acknowledging them. They felt much safer buried under several layers of denial and discomfort. Admitting he’d ever felt fondly for someone, even in a platonic sense, made him feel vulnerable. Eli fit into that category. “Say it one more time and I’ll have your face just as fucked up as I have your car.” he warned, gritting it out. Eli could keep asking about his intentions, but Fitz wasn’t about to say what they were. He couldn’t, since he didn’t really know for the most part. He tried not to dwell on what the real reason could be. “You have the best reactions, you know? Empty threats, throwing a shit fit--you make it worth the effort it takes to piss you off.”

[mfitzgeralds]

thecaptaincurfew:

Now that they were constantly at odds, Eli felt foolish for ever being as attached to Fitz as he once was. There hadn’t been any way of knowing how deeply and irreversibly their friendship would be altered but in hindsight, Eli was glad for it. Now he could see Fitz for who he truly was instead of living with blinders on. There had been a time where Eli found Fitz’s bluntness to be admirable but now he viewed the boy as nothing more than a nuisance, a waste of space. Eli’s breathing grew heavier as Fitz spoke of Jake. Without a doubt his relationship to Jake meant everything to him and he wouldn’t ever allow Fitz to ruin that in any way. Eli narrowed his eyes at Fitz’s remark. “Doesn’t mean I won’t kick your ass,” he countered, not hesitating in taking a step closer of his own. “And you’ve always been a pain in the neck. Guess some things never change, do they, Mark?” he challenged. “That still has nothing to do with what I just said. For someone who claims they can’t stand me, you sure as hell have a knack for crossing paths with me.”

Fitz could remember so many instances where Eli would act tough when they were friends. He’d laughed at it then, and he was still laughing at it now. “I’d like to see you try.” Fitz prodded, wondering if Eli would actually follow through one day and try fighting back. “You’re nowhere near as tough or strong as you think you are. You never have been.” When he used his full name--something he’d once allowed, albeit reluctantly--Fitz scowled. “Don’t fucking call me that.” he shot back. Around school, he refused to let anyone use his first name to address him. The vast majority of the reason was because of Eli. His own name managed to stir up disdain in him, all because of him. “We go to the same school, what do you expect? And you’re not the only person I start shit with. Don’t go thinking you’re special.”

[mfitzgeralds]

thecaptaincurfew:

Looking at Fitz now it was hard for Eli to wrap his head around the fact that they had ever been friends. Furthermore, it seemed out of the realm of possibility that Eli had ever cared so deeply about him—as much more than that. He was playing right into Fitz’s hand by getting so upset and while Eli knew that, his immediate reaction was anger. It wasn’t even the word that was now etched into the side of his car but the fact that Fitz had the audacity to do such a thing. “You must think you’re so clever,” he spat, looking Fitz up and down with sheer disgust. “I don’t care what you do to me; stay far away from Jake, do you hear me?” Eli could handle whatever tantrums Fitz threw but he couldn’t bear the thought of Jake having to deal with it. “Why do you do shit like this? Honestly? Can’t you pretend I don’t exist and carry on with your life? Or are you just that bored?”

There was so much history between him and Eli, but no one would have guessed it, judging by their reactions to one another. Fitz was always alternating between finding Eli revolting, and almost feeling nostalgic for how close they’d once been. Pissing him off as as close as he’d ever get to the other boy at this point, and Fitz still carried a great deal of anger towards him. This was the only way to let some of it out. “You worried I’m gonna fuck with your pretty little lumberjack?” he taunted, lifting a brow at him. “You think you’re so tough. You barely come up to my shoulder.” Fitz stepped a little closer and looked down at Eli, proving his point. “Goddamn, you’re so touchy. Always been so touchy. So emotional.” he said, shaking his head. He was dodging the question and didn’t even care to be subtle about it.

[mfitzgeralds]

thecaptaincurfew:

With the school day now over, Eli rid himself of books he no longer needed, glad for the fact that classes were finished. Eli wasn’t sure how to fill his afternoon since his boyfriend Jake was set to join his father on a site later. Without play rehearsals or anything to keep him occupied, Eli knew he was facing an evening alone. Sighing to himself as he parted ways with Jake outside of the boy’s truck, Eli waved goodbye once Jake pulled off. Eli stood there for a moment, lost in thought before he crossed the parking lot and made his way over to his hearse. At first Eli thought he was mistaken but there was no denying that someone was hovering over his vehicle. It didn’t take any time at all to process who it was and what they were doing. Clenching his jaw, Eli marched right over to Fitz and shoved him in the back. “What the hell is wrong with you? Are you physically incapable of getting through the day without being a total ingrate?”

Fitz jerked forward and turned once he regained his footing, his mouth curling into a smirk. One half of the fun was fucking up his car, and the other was making Eli watch. “Hey, I’m just telling the entire school what it should already know. It’s practically your middle name.” he shrugged, stepping aside and gesturing to the three letter word. “Elijah Faggot Goldsworthy. Has a nice ring to it, no? Too bad I couldn’t get to Martin’s truck as well. You guys could have had matching car doors. How romantic.” he sneered, shoving his keys back in his pocket.

[mfitzgeralds]

After leaving the school through the backdoor, Fitz made his way out to the parking lot. He was shocked that he’d even made it through the entire day, usually opting to leave before third period. He was ready to head over to his own car until he spotted Eli’s -- a hearse that was truthfully too large and too obnoxious to be sitting in any parking lot. Fitz had even sat in it a few times, but the last memory of when he had left a sour taste in his mouth. It only took one repressed thought for Fitz to get angry. He dug his keys out from his pocket and approached the vehicle, dragging it methodically across the side of it. He traced an F, then an A, and finally a G before pulling his key away, surveying his work a few seconds later. It fit Eli like a glove, as far as he was concerned.