i had a marvelous time ruining everything

Mary • 29 • Ask me about Taylor Swift • The Office • Parks and Rec • Friends

[starryeyesxx]

[comfortblr]

jennifer anniston as rachel green f•r•i•e•n•d•s | the one with the thumb

[mg-humandisaster]

Updating the void

Topics: IVF process, general life.

Okay...where to even start? I'm really just doing this to practice utilizing my new keyboard, but I also haven't been on here in a minute...probably since we were recommended IVF.

So how did that all play out?? I'd love to tell you! In June, we had our egg retrieval and got 13 embryos out of it!! Holy cow...did not even expect to have that many embryos out of it. We decided to do a freeze all due to high estrogen levels.

In August, we had our first transfer. I told everyone in the entire world it feels like, but unfortunately it failed. I was devastated, completely shattered because I thought it would work the first time around. But it didn't and it took me a while to get through those emotions.

In October, we had our second transfer. I decided to keep it more private this time around and not a lot of people besides my mom and sister knew. I felt SO MUCH BETTER this time around; more calm, less worry and anxiety. I had a positive test the Saturday before my beta--I couldn't believe it. I never saw a positive test before and I was thrilled but also trying to keep it cool. I took another test the day of beta and it looked lighter, so my beta confirmed what I already knew--this was likely going to be a chemical. I had a repeat beta two days later and then the nurse confirmed what I already came to terms with; a chemical pregnancy. I cried a lot. But the good news is that it implanted, which is something we have never had before. Which is a step forward.

Fast forward to today, November 28th, my third transfer is in a week on December 5th. Since we hit our insurance deductible, this round is free (yay!). I feel okay. A little nervous, a little excited. We adjusted protocol to the immune protocol because my body may be fighting off the embryo when it attaches. But it's not a guarantee that it is going to work, of course. I'll know more tomorrow at my ultrasound if we got the green light to move forward and when my beta will be, but I imagine it'll be two weeks from Thursday on December 15. A day before our Christmas party and I have therapy that day...good timing! :P

I don't want to think about what happens if this cycle doesn't work. I don't want to ask for more money. I may take a break to give my body a break and my mind. This is a lot on me mentally as we keep going. I told my therapist that I can see us getting to this third transfer, but I don't know what comes after. I can't visualize past the third transfer and I don't know if that's a good thing because it will work or it's the anxiety talking.

That's really all I have. I struggled with a lot of depression and anxiety this cycle when starting birth control but that has leveled out. Now it's just irritability but that's the drugs talking lol. Life is just all IVF right now and I wish I had something else to focus my brain on. I guess I have books but ya know!! Hoping the holidays will still be good even if all doesn't turn out how I'd like it to...only time will tell.

[bloggingaboutmylife]

Pregnancy Announcement jealousy. It’s a real thing and It’s one of the worst things in the world to feel when you are struggling to even get pregnant..

[onedaymommy]

I have seen so many announcements this week, and i have been told by so many that they are expecting/haven’t announced. I can’t help but feel jealous.

[mg-humandisaster]

More screaming.

IVF is recommended.

J had his appointment with the urologist on Monday.

Physical came back normal (yay), but he said something I was not prepared for...

"Low count is likely genetic, everything else is where it should be. There is not much more we can do, I recommend IVF."

What? A huge blow to the chest. Something we were not expecting. I've been crying since Monday, I can't stop. Not because it's something I didn't want to do, because I'd do it in a heartbeat. But the price tag for IVF is between $8k-$15k. We're basically deciding if we want kids or if we want a house. We can't do both.

And if we do IVF...there's not guarantee something bad won't happen. Like a miscarriage, or still birth, or be born with a terrible disease. Granted, we had those risks before IVF, but adding a price tag to it makes it so much worse. And what if the first round doesn't work??

I'm pissed. Devastated. Confused. I don't know what I want.

Am I okay with just not having kids? I don't know if I'm ready to accept that yet. It makes me feel like I failed. I failed my husband, my parents. How can I go about the rest of my life just being okay with not having kids, when it's something I've wanted my entire life? If IVF was free or was $5k or less, I'd do it tomorrow. Sure, parents could help, but I don't want to do that. I can't ask for that.

So I'm just stuck. I feel like everyone is moving forward and I'm stuck in place. I can't move. I can't feel anything.

I don't know what to do.

[andichoseyou]

you all over me / ivy

[sosuperawesome]

Kate Shalimova on Instagram

[kitconnor]

#me

[catasters]

[mg-humandisaster]

Screaming into the void.

Cycle #7/8?

Ugh.

We haven't even tried this cycle and I'm already done. Yesterday we got news that his numbers are still the same, which means our likelihood of getting pregnant is slim. Possible, but slim. 1.4 million is no where near where we need to be, even for IUI. Maybe he needs more time on the medication. Maybe it's not going to work. Maybe we have to do IVF. I don't know. His appointment with the urologist is Feb 7th and it cannot come any sooner. I just want next steps. I want to know what we need to do next to get my hopes up again.

We're supposed to try tonight and tomorrow since I took meds and have a follicle ready...but what's the point???

I'm so fucking upset. I'm so disappointed. I wish I was just the issue. Because I can't control this and I hate that. I'm losing hope so quickly and I know it's not over yet but I'm so frustrated.

It's not fair. It's not fucking fair.

[nessa007]

Congratulations to Brett Goldstein on his first ever Emmy win for Outstanding Supporting Actor as Roy Kent in Ted Lasso!

[mg-humandisaster]

Cycle #3 (medicated), 13DPO, BFN.

Here we go...

Some nausea, headaches, ITCHY AS HELL STOMACH, light cramping...all for my period to likely start on Thursday...again.

I'm frustrated. Not frustrated that we aren't pregnant yet, but frustrated that I'm the only one wanting to figure shit out.

I guess we'll just keep trying until he decided he's ready to get himself checked. Could be this month...could be several months from now. I understand it's a lot and nerve-wracking. But we're just going to be keep doing the same thing with possibly no result. We could get pregnant with his numbers, but who actually fucking knows?????

I'm tired. Why does this feel only important to me?

[tedlassogif]

Hannah Waddingham accepts the award for Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy at the 73rd Primetime Emmy Awards.

[yasminwithane]

And here they all are together. 

Have had such a blast doing these!

Friends Season Collages

[yasminwithane]

Hello yes, I have FINALLY gotten into Brooklyn Nine-Nine and it is AMAZING.

Could not help but make some fan art, obv.

So here’s SEASON 1 in collage form. 👍🏽

@nbcbrooklyn99

[dailytvfilmgifs]

So, this is the path you’ve chosen? After all, he is a blacksmith. No. He’s a pirate. WILLIAM TURNER in the Pirates of the Caribbean (Film Series)