Figuring it out one day at a time... @mgyang - Tumblr Blog

“Karma is a relaxing thought”

Taylor Swift’s new album “Midnights” speaks to me. Ironically, here I am at midnight. Thinking about the many nights I’ve stayed up over-thinking. Unknowing, uneasy, unsure. But it was the work that, through the doubt, kept me going. The work it took to grow up, change my perspective, and acknowledge my mistakes. That work turns into tangible energy I put out into the world. And here I am, with a dog that loves me. Karma? Maybe.

2022 First Quarter Update

I guess it wasn’t official lol. Anaheim, I mean. I’m learning very quickly that nothing is certain in this crazy housing market.

Brian cancelled escrow. He wasn’t ready to deal with the problems of an 80 year old house, his end of year design presentation, and our condo renovations. The timing of all three things stressed him out. He panic-cancelled.

Now he can’t decide whether he wants to buy a house in San Diego or in Orange County. But whatever he decides, I told him I’d gladly accept his decision. He’s my partner and I want to be with him regardless of where our house is located.

For Brian’s 32nd birthday, we got dinner reservations at The French Laundry, and so spent the weekend in Napa. Friday morning we went to get English muffin breakfast sandwiches at The Model Bakery. There were exceptional.

After breakfast, we walked around downtown with Mary Jane and perused the outside shops at Oxbow Market. The morning was grey and chilly. We headed back to the hotel at 8 AM so I can start my work day. Brian and MJ chilled in the hotel room all day while I worked.

At 4 PM our Lyft picked Brian and I up at the hotel to drop us off at The French Laundry. The town of Yountville was a beautiful idyllic community. We were dropped off by the gardens and crossed the street to the restaurant front. Quickly we snapped a couple photos before heading inside where we were immediately greeted by the host. As soon as I told her my name, she beamed and said a warm, “Happy Birthday, Brian. Hope you enjoy your meal this evening.”

They seated us at a table tucked away in a corner. The courses came out like clockwork. The food was exceptional but what put the experience over the top was the service. Our water glasses were never allowed to go empty. Every time we finished a glass of wine, they asked us if we’d like anything else to drink from the menu. When we got up to use the restroom, they’d switch out our used napkins with new clean and folded napkins. All the waitstaff was kind and helpful and provided guidance on which fork to use or shared how the plate was prepped. It was really wonderful.

Brian and I enjoyed it immensely and agreed it would be a fantastic 2nd experience to come back high.

After the 5 different types of dessert, they gave us a tour of the kitchen and took our photo before ushering us into the beautiful lawn/garden area. In the final golden light of the day, Brian and I sat on a bench while I finished my wine. We talked about our favorite dishes. His was the lobster galette. Mine was the halibut with mustard sauce.

This weekend we went camping in Yosemite with Joe and Gina. The weather was perfect. We hiked the Mist trail up past Nevada falls and through little Yosemite Valley and then turned back a little ways up the foresty switch backs up to sub dome. Brian has been recovering from food poisoning all week. We decided to turn around for everyone’s sake -- back at camp at 2:30 PM, we were very glad we got back early.

It was a wonderful trip. I especially love being able to see the Fresno fam and observing a slice of their normal Friday life. The chaos of getting the boys to school in the morning and then the older ones moving at their own pace on their own schedule. Alexis came carpooled with us to Fresno for her Aunt Julie’s baby shower. We had a good chat in the car. She starts her new job on Monday.

So glad to be back home with Mary Jane. We picked her up from my parent’s house where Lily and Jason were dog sitting. MJ also had a fun weekend. Lily sent me pictures every day. What a great life our dog has. She is so loved.

Brian is in escrow; we’re officially moving!

Brian’s offer on a beautiful historic home in downtown Anaheim was accepted on October 29th. It checks all our boxes in terms of what we were looking for and more! It has a long drive way, a garage, a huge backyard, in a walkable neighborhood, and the house itself is so cute. the inside is a little old, but I know Brian and I can update it (he is my handy man).

I’m looking forward to this new beginning with him. I know he is very stressed right now, but I hope he feels it is all worth it in the end. During this time, I can be more forgiving when he is short with me and scattered. I love him so much and want him to feel supported.

Paso Robles Day 6

Dear Me,

Yesterday was a rest day.

I took out MJ for her morning poop. We came back and I charged my phone. At around 10 AM, MJ and I went out for a longer walk. We walked towards downtown and made our way around the park. They were setting up for a concert, slated to start at 6 PM that evening.

We hurried back to the Airbnb before it got too hot for Miss MJ. The morning heats up quickly here in the central valley.

I got in bed and with the intention to read but instead got distracted. I logged onto instagram on my phone. Not the instagram app, but the internet browser app. Since I deleted IG from my phone last year, I haven’t been inundated with pictures of friends for self comparison. It hit me like a tidal wave as I scrolled through everyone’s posts.

Can you believe that? I was literally having the best week company paid time off, and I was like but how come I don’t have anything to post on IG (even though I had voluntarily elected to quit the damn platform). I know that sounds crazy. But social media is a fucking powerful drug.

I got out of bed and walked over to Brian, and I was in a mood. Partially his fault, but really, it was social media’s fault. What was his fault, you ask? Well he promised me after his meeting we’d go out to get gelato. It was now 15 minutes passed the end of his meeting.

He said a lot of things. One excuse he made, was that he was working and what did I expect from him while he was on company time? I made clear to him that although I understood, he is entitled to a 10 minute break and it would only take 2 minutes to cycle over to the gelato shop (literally 2 blocks down on our exact street). I told him, if he can spend 10 minutes looking for land cruisers online, then he has 10 minutes to come get ice cream with me.

I didn’t think that was unreasonable. But maybe I’m wrong. I don’t know.

Men have a way of making everything they do seem like the absolute most important thing--and they get to do what they want when they want.

I’m not saying it’s malicious on their part. It just seems to me, in my encounters with men, that they just think so highly of their own time and needs. How do we raise more women to be like this? How do I be more like this?

Do I even want that? It seems inconsiderate, in my opinion. But maybe that’s why they give so many less fucks. Another attribute I admire.

Anyways, after a discussion on it, we rode our bikes to get gelato from the Market Walk. Unfortunately, it was overpriced. And melting. Maybe I’m biased as I used to work in a gelato shop. Rule number one is make sure your gelato display is on point. Their display was lacking a lot of love. We walked over to the coffee bar. Brian ordered the Golden State latte and I ordered a kyoto cold brew mojito (it was interesting, to say the least, as they added some sort of jalapeno flavor to it).

When we got back to the airbnb, he continued to work and I started reading again. The memoir was getting juicy. Like a Lifetime Movie drama. I was in love with this woman; and finally half way through.

Before Brian and I headed out to dinner at fancy schmancy French restaurant, I popped a cookie. It kicked in during the main course as they placed my whole Branzino in front of me. Brian ordered a white blend of syrah and I got a glass of the chablis. For our main dishes Brian got the muscles in a meaty red sauce and I got the whole fish. For our sides we got the carrots, pomme puree, and the house gifted us french fries. We devoured everything. It was delicious. (For memories sake, the restaurant was called Les Petites Canailles)

For dessert we got the Creme Brulee. The top was not so cripy but tasted more like a fire roasted marshmallow. The cream inside was so pillowy and light. The vanilla custard unlike anything I’ve had before. A high person’s delight. A fucking wonderland of a treat.

On our walk back home, there was a shirtless man dancing around in the street by himself. Brian got nervous and made us cross the street. I could feel it in his grip. He held my hand like we were in another country on a crowded train platform, and he didn’t want to lose me. And even though his hands were getting sweaty, he didn’t let go until we were inside the Airbnb gates.

I was high as fuck.

We got inside and were greeted by a happy MJ. I laid on the carpeted floor of the living room while Brian put on a vinyl. He then walked over to me and asked me for dance; his arms pulling me up from the ground into his warm chest. He spun us around and around and I stumbled about--giggling.

I love this man.

Love,

Paso Robles Day 5

Dear Me,

In the morning, MJ and I ran to the Montebello Oaks Open Space Trail. The 5 miles was grueling as half of it was up hill. We returned the the Airbnb before 10 AM.

I did a short ab work out and then showered. Brian reheated the leftovers from Buona Tavola and we had lunch. Afterwards, I began reading my book again. I got through a really great chapter that resonated with me. The author was ruminating about why the women in her family all seemed to keep secrets and how they weren’t able to expect more for her life than marriage and motherhood. I thought a lot about my own aunties. The secrets they carried. The embarrassment, shame, and guilt. And how that affected their children. My cousins. Generational trauma is real.

Mid-day, I rode my bike to the Market Walk and checked out the vendors inside. There was a ramen spot, a coffee shop, a bakery, a nursery, beer/cider/wine tasting, and a vegan cheese shop. I left my bike there and walked down the main street to check out the antique shops. Along the way I stopped into a shop and bought a CBD massage oil candle. I thought this would be a nice treat for Brian as he’s always asking for massages.

On the way back up the street I swung by The Vreamery (Vegan Cheese Shop) and I picked up a sample cheese platter and a wedge of strawberry almond dessert “cheese”. From there, I rode my bike to the Mexican market just one block over and picked up groceries for dinner. Brian and I had decided on Chilaquiles because we had a bag of leftover tortilla chips from the weekend. I bought an avocado, El Pato sauce, onion, and marinated chicken. I rode my bike back to the Airbnb to drop off the groceries and then headed back out to Smart & Final for some margaritas.

I came back and made some Guacamole and then waited for Brian to finish his last meeting of the day. He got off the call around 6:30 PM. I tasked him with firing up the grill for the chicken. While the chicken was cooking, we played darts. After a couple rounds, I went inside to prepare the chips in the El Pato sauce, scattering chopped jalapenos, onions, and leftover Brie on top (note to self, the Brie cheese did not compliment the chilaquiles very well). I threw the chips into the oven and tasked Brian to check it while I took MJ out for her evening poop walk.

When MJ and I came back, Brian had taken the chicken off the grill and it was sitting on a plate ready to be chopped, on the counter. As we prepared dinner, Brian and I fantasized about having a kitchen this size, where we wouldn’t bump elbows and scoot out of the way when opening drawers. I took out the chips and we scooped the guacamole on top and drizzled extra salsa. To top it all off, we piled up the chopped chicken and then moved the chilaquiles to the living room where we cracked open our margarita cans and watched Atlanta as we chowed down.

It was delicious.

And yes, we tried out the candle before bed.

Love,

Paso Robles Day 4

Dear Me,

Today is our 4th day in Paso Robles, however, it feels like the first day for Brian and I, as we spent the July 4th weekend with friends.

This morning Mary Jane and I walked to downtown Paso Robles. Our Airbnb was right off the main street and so we just walked 1 mile down and were in the heart of the city. We circled the square, observing all of the businesses start the day. People carrying to-go orders out of cafe’s at 8 AM, and tourists sitting in coffee shops, while restaurants, mopped and cleaned their outdoor patios in preparation for opening at lunch.

When we got back to the Airbnb, Brian had prepared coffee and was in the middle of a meeting. I poured myself a hot cup of coffee and joined him with my laptop in the breakfast nook. I spent the rest of the morning reading Lisa Donovan’s memoir. At lunch, we walked 0.4 miles down the street to the Springside Cafe. I ordered the Springside Cobb Salad and Brian had the Avocado Sandwich. We sat on the outside patio under a giant umbrella, talking about the small town charm.

We walked back to the Airbnb for Brian’s 2 O Clock meeting. I got back into bed and started reading my book again. I took a nap and woke up around 4:30 PM. Brian finished working at 5 PM. I went for a short 2 mile run. The weather app said it was 90 degrees out. When I returned, we took Mary Jane to the dog park. She, of course, had the time of her life. We dropped her off back at the Airbnb and gave her dinner. Then we walked a mile down from our Airbnb for dinner at Buona Tavola. We were celebrating because Brian’s aircraft design was selected by the chairman to start building.

When we were seated, they served a soft rosemary infused bread with an olive tapenade. For the appetizer, we ordered the muscles and clams in tomato sauce and it was exceptional. It reminded us of our trip to Porte Done, Italy to see Brian’s sister and family in 2019. For our entree’s, Brian ordered the veal and gnocchi, I got the pappardelle with shrimp, prosciutto, in wine and tomato sauce. Everything was delightful and we were very satisfied with our meal.

The walk back to our Airbnb was nice and cool.

I totaled over 21k steps today.

Such a lovely day. Excited for tomorrow.

Love,

Life is Strange

I am amazed in how people show up for other people. I feel that humanity gets a bad rap when you turn on the news and all the headlines are about how we’re killing each other. But then there are instances like this. When you think no one cares about your struggle. And they show up. They let you know that they see you. And like that, I feel community and belonging.

Life is strange. We think we’re behind the wheels driving, navigating the route to our destination in life, but detour after detour, it starts to feel like maybe we aren’t so in control. Who knows how long the ride will be?

Be kind. Be thankful. And give.

As much as you can.

Cycling with Dog Chronicle

I thought it was a good idea.

It started out well, at least. MJ was great. She was leashed and ready as I kicked off on my bike and we rolled down Calle Cristabol. Her tail wagging as she trotted merrily beside me on the sidewalk. Her reddish, golden hair rippled in the wind.

We made it all the way to TP Banh Bao before I realized there was no where in the plaza for me to park her or my bike. In the crowded parking lot, MJ became timid and scared. She no longer was enjoying the nice stroll alongside the bicycle. As I steered us out of the parking lot, she began to pull on her leash and refused to walk, even laying downing all the way on her belly to let me know she didn’t want to go anymore.

When I got her going again, we passed a fenced house with a dog aggressively barking at us. At the end of the street, the fence was broken and so the dog stuck his head through separated panels and snarled at us, scaring MJ. She, in turn, jumped in front of the bike, making me suddenly squeeze on the brake and I crashed to the street.

I had to coax her along the entire way back home. Her tail did not wag again until we were a block away from home.

I made sure to give her lots of treats when we got back. It didn’t take much to make her happy again.

I love her so much.

She is a big part of the life that Brian and I have built together. From daily walks in the morning and occasional off-leash hikes in the mountains and her needy little nose bumps and paw taps in the evening. She brings us so much joy.

When we plan our weekends, vacations, and future real-estate investments, we do so with her in consideration.

What a life, to be so in love.

I am laying in bed, wide awake, big spooning Brian. My fingers sliding back and forth across his skin as he drifts deeper into sleep. Mary Jane, our 1 year old labradoodle, is in her bed in the corner of the room and Brady the 70 lb sheepadoodle lay sprawled on the floor on my side of the bed.

I do not recommend journaling on your iPhone. On a computer keyboard, word comes out so fluidly, I don't think about spelling. But on the iPhone, my thumbs trip over every letter. I often wonder how the predictive text on the iOS software is making me dumber. Stealing words from my mouth because it can--and I let it.

But anyways, I pulled away from Brian to write a few thoughts.

1. I finished paying off my school and car loan by my 29th birthday. I'm officially debt free.

2. I've set up my 401k, Roth IRA, and high yield savings account and am building my net worth.

3. Brian and I (and MJ) are moving to Irvine/OC by Aug 2021 this year. Hyundai is paying to relocate us as part of Brian's benefit package.

4. And 10 years ago, 19 year old Melissa had no idea the amount of love, empathy, and communication required to be in such a healthy, beautiful relationship. I thank the universe for the journey that brought me here, out of all the wrong arms, and into the right one.

Looking Back at Love in my 20s

I spent my early twenties getting over a breakup. In the subsequent years, I ran from man to man, trying to prove that I was special. That if I could find someone that actually wanted me, I would be validated. Worthy. It almost didn’t matter about the quality—just that I got as much attention as possible. Someone to tell me I was beautiful, someone to tell me I was interesting, someone to give me their attention, their time—and touch.

Looking back, I obviously had no idea that’s what was happening. I lamented over texts from men who obviously wanted nothing more than a hookup. And I rejected very sweet men who deserved way better partners than me. I was selfish. And truth be told, I probably spent almost every waking hour thinking about my ex-boyfriend.

He and I used to park our cars on the same street and take the shuttle onto campus—I looked for his face in every line. Sometimes, I went to the gym closest to the part of campus where he had class. I’d practically camp at our favorite spots to eat until he’d show up—never alone of course, but with a few classmates.

I behaved like this for the better part of a year; falling into a deep existential crisis.

He was supposed to be the one. I was supposed to go on to be a doctor. We were supposed to get married by 25 and have children. And if this wasn’t the truth anymore, who was I at all?

I spent my mid-twenties learning that I was more than what men want from me. It started with me growing my relationships with amazing women. Kylie, Fiona, Kristen, all the women of Na Fianna. Kylie is an amazingly driven software engineer. Fiona is a courageous, funny, and smart women that moved to a completely new country without a secured job. Kristen is an extremely athletic women with the work ethic of Michael Jordan (not an exaggeration). And then all the older women of Na Fianna (some mothers) that were still kicking ass on the football field—and then there were the young, single women—all strong women. They reminded me that I had so much to offer.

I think women saved me.

They saved me with their kindness, their cooperation, their accountability, their brilliance, and their humor. Their ability to deal with hard shit and still put on the perfect eyeliner and rock heels downtown. I was humbled to be in such great female company—that they took me in as their own and accepted me. And through them, I think I saw what I could be. Who I wanted to be.

I ran my first half marathon because of Kylie and now at 28 I’ve completed 3 full marathons. The first camping trips I’ve planned as an adult were with Fiona and Kristen. These three women helped me explore my burgeoning love for the outdoors. Kylie and Fiona even hiked to the base of Half Dome in Yosemite with me—our first collective 10+ mile hike.

By my late twenties, I didn’t recognize that 20 year old heartbroken kid anymore. My life experiences had equipped me with better tools for success. Gratitude, empathy, and vulnerability. Skills I never learned in an AP class but are so much more worthwhile in a world where it’s not about having all the answers.

And that’s where I was in my life when I met Brian. I was transformed. Completely okay with not being okay and not being where I was supposed to be. But knowing I was the best version of me.

#writing #spilledink #love

When your partner wants to have children and you don’t know

Parenthood. It was an inevitability when I was younger. Something I didn’t know I could opt out. I was so certain of my future. 25, married, with kids. That was what I wanted. And now I want to throw up in my mouth a little when single women start selecting names for their not-yet-conceived children. How the fuck did I get here at 28?

I can’t help but look down my nose every time someone, eyes bright and smiling, says “I don’t know. I just think it’ll be fun to raise a child.”

I have to bite my tongue in order to stop myself from saying, “I’m sure heroin is fun too. It doesn’t mean you should do it.”

The more I have this discussion with people, I wonder if I’m the one with the problem. People don’t really question their desire to have children. It’s this innate feeling that they just know will give their life purpose and meaning and direction and--I can’t even write this without rolling my eyes--happiness. And I want to respect it, I do. But clearly, my eye rolling is a give away. I don’t understand this perspective at all.

My boyfriend wants children and tells me he thinks I’ll be a great mother. But I just don’t know if I want children anymore. It doesn’t matter if he says I’m silly and I’m fixated on the negatives. He can’t coax me off the ledge from jumping to a child-free existence. The only person who can do that is me. I have to come to the decision myself.

In order to do so, in high-strung-straight-A’s-student fashion, I bought a book on Amazon. The Baby Decision. Hoping that if I just read every chapter, I’ll find my answer at the end. Because that’s how it works, right?

Obviously, I know this is not so. But wouldn’t that be great? Like if there was a book that could help me figure out my relationship with my Hmong-American refugee immigrant, Trump-voting, dad? Sign me up. I need answers.

I guess it doesn’t help that Brian refuses to be vulnerable with me. I mean, in his defense, I probably make it hard for him with my ambivalence. He can’t say, “I want children with you,” because he doesn’t want to scare me. But at the same time I think I need that. I need him to stop saying “I can see you being a great mother.” And instead say, “Wouldn’t it be lovely to start a family together?”. I need him to help me visualize our future and not just some abstract pregnancy and life with a child.

I don’t know. I want to be true to myself without influence from him. And that’s what scares me. How do I know if my decision to have children is my own or if it is only to make my partner happy?

#motherhood #parenthood

Pandemic Garden - Carrot Harvest

We picked our first carrot harvest yesterday. Stubby little orange roots that were no bigger than the size of my thumb.

When Brian laughs, it’s the goofiest sound in the world. I don’t even care that he’s laughing at our carrots. For the last three months, I had put so much effort into the garden. And our harvest would not feed us for one meal let alone a season. I should have felt discouraged, I think, but I was immensely happy. I’m so glad to have him beside me. From seed to fruit, he’s been the best partner. And stubby carrots or not, he makes every moment so much more colorful.

Delusional

It’s funny how people re-write history. I’m all for change and growth, but don’t try to tell me your narrative was something different—don’t insert your voice into the past as though you were ever self aware. I’ve learned to let the past be. I’ve learned to stop reminiscing. I’ve learned to take off my rose colored glasses when I think about history. Straight facts. I’m happier for it.

I love this man. In France. At Home. Anywhere.

2020

I think my mantra for 2020 is be unapologetic.

I’m not giving myself a pass to be an asshole but, I just don’t want to have to worry about whether or not people dislike me. And honestly, I worry about super microscopic social interactions that don’t mean anything. So, I’m giving myself grace. I’m telling myself its okay. Stop wondering if you should apologize. Stop stressing about if you’re gonna get cancelled. You are human. You are growing. You are learning. You will do better. Be unapologetic.

Grandma and Grandpa adore him.

I was on the phone with KB today and she asked, “Have you two talk about getting married?”

I tell her no, we haven’t—“But we’ve talked about marriage.”

“Well what about it?” She proded, gently.

“About how we think wedding rings are dumb, big weddings are a waste of money, and if married people share bank accounts.”

“Okay, but say if he asked you to marry him, would you?”

“It would depend on whether what we wanted for our future aligned in that path,” I answered. But I know what she’s really asking. Would I take him as my partner for the rest of my life?

Yes. Of course. Absolutely.

If I could selfishly choose to keep him forever, I would. However, life, as I’ve come to learn, is not always about a linear selfish path. People can grow apart and all I can do is hope that he and I continue to grow in the same direction.

“Grandma and Grandpa adore him,” she said.

I laugh, “She’s always berating me to speak nicely to him, to help him do chores at home, to help him pay the bills. So I joke with Brian—I swear she likes you more than me. Grandma is funny. She always asks me if I help Brian cook at home and I tell her no, Grandma, I let him do all the cooking for me—just to tease her.”

I love that my grandparents love Brian. I love that its so easy for everyone to see what I see in him. Someone who is funny and kind and smart and thoughtful; someone who is a real problem solver and sincere and so easy to be with.

I confessed. “With Brian, it feels like we’ve known each other our entire lives. Everything just fits.”

“Awe. Melly. You’re making me tear up,” she said. “I’m glad you found someone you love.”

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