Aqua Utopia｜海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
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@mhollings
𝐓𝐑𝐈𝐋𝐄𝐒 .
so take me as your breathing proof , for everything you’ve ever done for me , i won’t lie and fear no more , i hope you realize: you kept me alive . you are the only one , you are the only one that kept me alive , you were the only one, the only one that was on my side .
with @stfumilcs .
@milligcn
i wish i could save you | triles
milligcn·:
tris knew he ought to get up and change , hell , there was nothing he wanted more right then than to be in comfortable pyjamas , but he didn’t have the energy to get up out of the bed he’d already gotten into , so he would just have to wait until tomorrow to get changed . instead , he just pulled the duvet up over him , and tried desperately not to fall asleep before miles returned .
he soon emerged, clothed appropriately for bed. on the way to the bed, he turned off the lights and crawled in beside tristan. it was nice to have someone beside him again. something he had missed was waking up to tristan or anyone. which is why he had tried to replace the other male with other people which didn’t work. it didn’t feel right. “goodnight” he said softly “sweet dreams”
i wish i could save you | triles
milligcn·:
tris allowed himself to be led upstairs , where he didn’t even bother to change out of what he’d worn to the party - despite knowing he would hate himself for wearing denim jeans to bed in the morning - before he crawled into miles’ bed , more than ready to just pass out , which he knew he would the second his head hit the pillow . hell , he wasn’t even just tired physically , he’d dealt with a lot , tonight , between miles and kai , yates , his eating disorder , then having to sit down and tell miles about all of it … he was just about ready for today to be over .
when they got to his room, he kicked the door lightly with his foot to shut it and pulled off his jacket, then his shirt, tossing them on his computer chair. he would deal with those later. “i’m gonna go change, i’ll be right back” he said, grabbing some pajama pants from his drawer “if you wanna change, you know where everything is” he flashed him a smiled before disappearing into the bathroom connected to his room to change. he wasn’t about to make tristan uncomfortable.
i wish i could save you | triles
milligcn·:
’ but we didn’t … no point in getting weird about it now . ’ tristan hadn’t realised exactly how exhausted he still was until after he’d eaten some of the pasta , and until miles had brought up going to bed , but now , all he could think about was getting into bed and sleeping for , like , three months , or something . ’ yeah . please , i think i’m gonna literally drop dead if i don’t get some rest . ’ tris laughed out , somewhat unaware of what he was even saying , at this point .
“i don’t feel weird about it” he said, in fact, he felt the opposite. he like that he may still have a chance with tristan but, not like he would try anything now. this was not the time to be thinking about anything other than making sure that tristan was okay. he nodded and stood up, holding his hand out to the other “come on then, let’s get you all tucked into bed” he smiled.
How does being a homewrecker feel?
“i’m not sure what you mean. i haven’t done a damn thing”
i wish i could save you | triles
he was glad he was getting tristan to talk — and eat “she has too much power” he said back, shaking his head. he wasn’t too fond of her tactics, or the plastics either but, it was part of the heirchy. “you don’t have to go on your own” he shrugged “i’ll go with you. we are friends, are we not?”
i wish i could save you | triles
milligcn·:
the idea of eating in front of someone , no matter who it was , made tristan shift uncomfortably . he didn’t want to , but it couldn’t be any harder than it was trying to force himself to eat when he was on his own , could it ? maybe if they talked about something , anything else , while he tried . ‘ can we , um , talk about , like , anything else ? ’
miles thought about a conversation starter, something tristan would be into talking about. “how’s the prospect thing going?” he asked. he never understood why tristan was trying to do something like that. he was so much better than any of those people, in his eyes. but maybe that wasn’t something good to bring up. “or, are you excited about prom? i remember you were really excited about it”
i wish i could save you | triles
milligcn·:
though the food smelled delicious , and part of tris just wanted to binge eat all of it , he knew that would only result in him throwing it all up again , or hating himself an unreasonable amount . ‘ i should be okay with a bit . like i said , i didn’t even realise i was slipping this time . ’ tris hadn’t even known that could happen , he’d thought that it was always a conscious choice . ‘ just … maybe not much . ’ it was strange , to talk about all of this so openly with someone , and it made him want to run . like he always did , like he ran from everything . having someone know the worst of him was terrifying . especially because there was nothing miles could do to fix him . he could hold his hand the whole way , but tristan knew he would eventually have to sort this mess himself .
he nodded and handed him one set of plastic utensils. “that’s fine, it’s a start. i just want you to get some of your energy back” he said, hopefully getting him back in the habit of eating again but he would never push him because that would do more harm than good. he picked up a little container of mac and cheese and began to nibble on it. he needed to take his medicine but that was the least of his worries right now. he was just glad that tristan opened up to him easily and he could hopefully be there for him through the whole process.
i wish i could save you | triles
milligcn·:
‘ yeah , um , you can . just … i don’t wanna think about it anymore tonight . ’ telling miles had been enough , he just wanted to curl up and cry , and maybe never speak to anyone ever again . exhaustion tugged at his eyelids , though the starvation was far more overwhelming , and all of it combined with the running emotions was just too much . ‘ i don’t ever wanna think about it again . ’ the admission came out soft , though he knew it was wishful thinking . the real world would catch up sooner or later .
he moved closer, his arms carefully wrapping around the other. he nodded “we don’t have to talk about it anymore tonight” he said softly as he pulled away from the hug. he didn't want to let go of him. he never did but he knew he couldn't hold him forever, at least right now “the food should be here soon then we can eat a little bit and go lay down” he said. of course, if someone pressed charges against yates, he would have to talk about it again but, he wouldn’t make tristan talk about it until he was ready. just as he was about to say something, the door bell rang, signaling the food was here. he smiled and got up “be right back” he didn’t get much food because he wasn’t hungry and he wasn’t gonna force tristan to. when he returned with the food, he say back on the sofa across from tristan. “i got your favorite. please don’t feel pressured, okay?”
i wish i could save you | triles
milligcn·:
‘ yeah . ’ tris mumbled , ‘ um , it technically happened before us , but simpson found out while you and i were together , and i just … i dunno . ’ he’d been scared to confide in miles , really . he’d felt alone , the same way he did now . but maybe this time he didn’t have to make the same mistakes . ‘ i got a call tonight . saying someone pressed charges . ’ a pause , and tris took a moment to collect himself , forcing the next words out of his mouth . ‘ i wanted to die on that floor , miles . ’ he felt weak , vulnerable in a way that scared him more than anything , because he’d done all of this to himself , and he’d promised himself none of it would ever get dredged up . ‘ i don’t know if i’m glad i didn’t . ’
his heart ached for tristan. there was nothing he could do to save him from this even if he tried or wanted to. there was emotional damage left from this. “i’m sorry tristan” he spoke softly “can i hug you?” he asked. he didn’t know if he was okay with it so he wanted to make sure. “i’m glad you didn’t. i know it doesn’t make any of this better but, you being alive is something i’m happy about” he said, even though these days, him being happy was few and far between. he was when he was around tristan. he had a lot more questions but he didnt’ know if he wanted to ask them just yet. “you didn’t deserve what he did to you. he was a gross man and i’m sorry about that.”
i wish i could save you | triles
milligcn·:
‘ i think … ’ tris murmured , ‘ i think if i don’t tell you now , i never will . ’ he was beginning to cry again , and his voice audibly cracking , but he didn’t care . ‘ do you remember that english teacher that , um , ’ he paused , to wipe his eyes dry . ‘ he got fired , and everyone thought it was ‘cause he … y’know , with a student ? ’ maybe , on some level , he wasn’t beyond saving . the fact he was willing to open up like this had to be a good start , didn’t it ?
he nodded in understanding and listened to him. he hadn’t listened to the rumors that much, all he knew was yates gave him the creeps and he didn’t care for him. as he spoke, he was putting two and tow together though “did he.. did he do something to you?” he asked, the words were hard to say. maybe he was jumping to conclusions. he had remembered tristan acting different during that time but, he really never knew what to make of it. he just thought it was tristan losing interest in him and their relationship. that’s why her let him go so easy-- because he didn’t want to hold him there if he was miserable.
i wish i could save you | triles
milligcn·:
tris stayed silent for a good half a minute , just trying to get the words out . he knew he needed help , and not many people were offering , but it was near impossible to admit to himself . ‘ i want you to help . i mean , i have a therapist , but … the last time i opened up to her was … ’ he shook his head , ridding himself of the thought . a pause , he had known he could’ve told miles that , and if that had been the only thing , he would’ve . ‘ i know i could’ve , but that’s not … all there is . ’
he nodded “then i’m here” he told him. his brow raised again when he spoke. he really didn’t want to push but, his curiosity got the better of him. he moved closer to tristan but there was still some distance between them. he was treading water with this one. he could tell there was something going on but, he didn’t want to push him further than he was ready to go. he nodded “you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. you need your rest right now. we can talk tomorrow if you want”
i wish i could save you | triles
milligcn·:
what tristan wanted top say was that he didn’t really feel comfortable talking about any of it , but he had to . so , without thinking too hard about it , he began talking , letting everything fall out , like word vomit . he was just too tired to even think about how he was phrasing any of it , really .
‘ i , um . it started when i was fourteen . i was , like , seriously fat . which is why i never let you see old photos of me when we were together , because i was totally ashamed of it . i stopped eating . overworked myself to the point of a heart attack . ’ his voice trailed off toward the end , knowing full well miles would probably freak out hearing that . ‘ i just … thought i was totally fine , all better . like , since i hadn’t relapsed in two years it’d never happen . i guess i was wrong . ’
that was easy enough to say , he’d already given miles enough bits and pieces to put that much together , he figured , but the rest , the yates stuff , his parents , the incident with tori , all of that would take more courage than he was sure he had in him .
miles sat back as he listened to tristan speak. of course he would always worry about him, the heart attack story was something that he worried him a lot but he didn’t want to cause him to shut him out again. so he kept a worried look on his face, but not enough to panic him “oh wow, tris” he spoke softly “i-- you know you could have told me this. we could have worked through it.” he sighed, shifting a little bit “but, i can help you know. i know you can’t just go from not eating to binging but, there’s goals we can work towards, if you want me to help” he smiled, hopefully not stepping over the line.
i wish i could save you | triles
milligcn·:
‘ i don’t know what to start with . ’ there was a lot to go through , and tristan knew that once he opened the gates , it’s all come pouring out without warning . it had been kept tucked away for far too long . ‘ i just … i already said i haven’t been eating , but , um . that’s happened before . and it was way worse the first time . i didn’t even notice it happening in time to stop it , this time . it kinda snuck up , i guess . stress , or something . ’ he was too tired to wipe away the tears that were slowly making their way down his face , as he shuffled slightly closer on the couch .
he leaned over and placed a hand on his knee “wherever you feel most comfortable, tris” he said softly. he wanted to reach out and dry his tears but he was also unsure, maybe he didn’t want to be touched right now. with his other hand, he reached out and grabbed a few keelnex and handed them to him. that was the least he could do maybe. he wanted tristan to be the one who made the moves -- comforting wise. if he wanted a hug or just words from a far.
