Pairing : Kim Hongjoong (Ateez) and named character (Kim Hera)
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Synopsis : Hera grew up in summers and gardens, dreaming of a loving husband and beautiful children when she would grow up and marry. And then she did marry, the widowed lord of a winter castle where nothing grew and frost bit into your skin every day and night. He already had two children from his first wife who had died from childbirth, and his one condition to hera was that he would never give her children.
Hera understood it, losing the woman you loved to childbirth would cause certain trauma, and love made you do things. And so they married in roses and kisses, and Kim Hongjoong took hera to the castle. But then he began drowning in his duties, spending less and less time with her, and the loss of never being able to nurture her own children slowly began getting to hera. She felt alone, and cold, and she took it out on the children. Hongjoong didn't like that, and the dam finally breaks.
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A/n : a oneshot after sometime, lol. I've been too invested in kings and queens lately, blame game of thrones for it. The caption was thought of within two minutes, as you can tell, but it fit and I love a good juicy fight. Don't we all?
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Hera knew what she was doing was wrong. As she sat in front of her vanity table mirror combing her long hair gingerly she knew that raya and jinyoung had done nothing wrong. They were only children, her step-children, and it wasn't their fault she felt alone and cold and worthless. And yet when they'd come to play with her today morning all excited with their favorite toys and books she'd sent them away harshly.
She didn't have the energy to do anything today, it was so cold and all she wanted to do was lie in bed and cry. And then as expected the doors to her marital chambers groaned open, slow and sure as her husband entered with a grave face.
Hongjoong shut the door behind him as he took his cloak off, the furs on it crusted with melting frost. There was always frost here, hera hated it. And none of her plants would grow in her garden, she hated that too.
As hongjoong set his cloak away he said nothing, only watching her as hera continued to brush through her hair strands slowly. And then he walked closer to her before muttering
Hongjoong : I am told, that you did not tend to the kitchens today. And that my children sought your company and was turned away at the door.
Hongjoong did not shout, he never needed to raise his voice. Hera set her comb down before muttering
Hera : I don't always have the energy to pick and choose what enters your stomach, you have cooks for that.
Hongjoong stared at hera with cold eyes as she said in a firmer tone
Hera : and I don't always have the energy to entertain your children.
Hongjoong : children, are not an obligation to be weighed against your mood. Raya is seven years old, she does not ask for grand entertainment or feasts with minstrels. She asked you only to read from that book of hers, and you denied a child a story?
Hera scoffed as she played with her hands before saying
Hera : raya is not my daughter, she is yours. So yes I denied your child a story because I did not have enough energy to do so. I was tired, and needed time alone. I am allowed that, I am a queen.
Hongjoong : you are a queen, but that does not mean you can neglect a child that has done nothing to deserve it. Those children look up to you, you may not see them as yours but they see you as theirs. They ask for your affection, hera, and your answer is to deny them because you are tired?
Hera : yes! Yes hongjoong my answer is that! I am human and I get tired, I cannot cater to their needs at their every beck and call! I am my own person.
Hongjoong : you are a person, but you are not just any person.
Hongjoong stepped closer to her as he said firmly
Hongjoong : you are the queen, and there are certain duties and responsibilities that come with that role.
Hera stood up angrily as she said
Hera : so? Am I not allowed to have some time for myself because I am queen? Am I not allowed to just rest?
Hongjoong clenched his jaw as he scoffed in disbelief
Hongjoong : rest? You have servants to attend to your needs, you have handmaidens at your every beck and call. You have more free time than most lords and ladies in this realm and you speak as if you grovel everyday for bread.
Hera finally felt the patience slip past her at the way he invalidated her feelings as she yelled
Hera : HONGJOONG I AM EXHAUSTED! I HATE THIS COLD AND I HATE THIS PLACE, AND I HATE YOU FOR NOT GIVING ME WHAT I WANT!
Hongjoong paused as she yelled at him, hera never having raised her voice at him even once in their marriage of 2 years.
Hera : I miss the summers, I miss the heat, I miss my family and I miss my brothers and sisters! I came here wanting to have children of my own, hongjoong, and a loving husband. Instead I get a distant never to be seen husband who's always drowning in his duties and does not bother to spare me a glance unless it is to critique me!
Hera panted as she rambled, shaking her head as she paced around the room restlessly
Hera : I get a husband that does not want to have children and instead wants me to behave as a maid or a wet nurse for his children from other women before me! IT'S HUMILIATING!
Hongjoong : you think I don't want to give you children just because of it? I have a reason and I have told you this hera! I lost my first wife in childbirth, she nearly died with the first and when I told her that we should stop there she told me she could do it again another time and that time, my fears came true and she died! A child lost his mother and another will never see her again!
Hera shook her head as if that reasoning wasn't good enough as hongjoong let out a desperate breath and said
Hongjoong : you say I don't want more but how can I? You think it's easy for me to even consider another woman bearing my child after that?
Hera paused on her tracks and turned to face him as she said
Hera : you are so selfish you deprive me of what I want most because of your fears hongjoong! I am not that other woman, I am strong and healthy and this is what I want!
Hongjoong : I am selfish?! You call me selfish when I gave you everything? I gave you my name, my house, this palace!
Hera scoffed as hongjoong stepped towards her and said in a harsh tone, his anger overtaking him
Hongjoong : you were nothing when I married you, just some lady from a minor family who thought she could warm my bed and bear me sons and then call it done.
Hera's eyes widened at his words, her face paling as she gasped softly
Hera : what…what did you just say? You think you did me some big favor by wedding me, hongjoong? Married some poor pathetic creature lower than you and made me queen so I should be thankful to you forever?
Hera swiftly walked close to him with angry eyes as she seethed
Hera : bear you sons and warm your bed, what am I, a whore? Why didn't you go and visit a brothel then instead of marrying me? Have some naked low born used creature make you forget all about your dead wife?
Hongjoong's eyes turned angry at that, the crude words making him grab hera by her arm harshly as he said
Hongjoong : watch your tongue. You forget your place, wife.
Hera snatched her arm back from his grip as she yelled
Hera : YOU ARE THE ONE FORGETTING YOUR PLACE! You think I'm some pathetic being that you did a favor to by marrying so now I have to be your whore and play nursemaid with your children?
Hongjoong let out an angry growl and slammed her against the nearby wall, hera's breath leaving her in a gasp as she felt the iron grip he had on her arm that she was sure would bruise tomorrow.
Hongjoong : DON'T YOU DARE! I married you because I wanted to! I married you because I thought you were different, because you were you! You think I married you for these crude reasons? That all I did for you, why I was drawn to you, was so that you could get me off?
Hera : I don't care, hongjoong. I don't care what you wanted or what you did because this is what you have turned me into. You want me to care for your children all the time while depriving me off the right of having my own because you are scared! But you think I should live by it and be happy because you allowed me into this big house and name. How lucky a woman I am!
Hongjoong grunted and pressed her harder against the wall as he said
Hongjoong : you have no idea about anything, you have no idea what I lost when sihyun died. You do not know what kind of risk I took allowing myself to care for a woman like this again and how hard that was for me. How can I possibly explain that to you when you've never known pain or loss yourself?
Hera : I HAVE KNOWN LOSS! I know it everyday, I hurt everyday, of the husband I don't have and the children I will never have and that is your fault!
Hongjoong : that is not the same! Don't compare the loss of some imagined future you wanted to the loss of a wife, the mother of your children. You can't compare the hope of children to the reality of having one in your arms and watching the mother of it lose the light in her eyes! You have no idea what true loss is, hera.
Hera's eyes suddenly filled with tears at his words, the way he belittled her crushed dreams and what she felt breaking her heart. This was not the man she married
Hera : and you know exactly how I feel, don't you? You know the pain and loss that I bear on my shoulders every time you do this to me. I lead a miserable life and all you can say is that I am lucky and that I know nothing of anything.
Hongjoong's eyes softened slightly at her tears as he loosened his grip on her arm and muttered
Hongjoong : I never said you weren't in pain. But your pain isn't mine to carry, I cannot do it all.
Hera : then your children aren't mine to care for either, are they?
Hongjoong's eyes hardened once again at her words, the quiet anger suddenly returning as he said
Hongjoong : those children are my flesh and blood, jinyoung will be king after me and raya is the most precious being in this world to me. You are their stepmother-
Hera : if my pain isn't yours to carry then yours are not mine to carry either.
Hongjoong : they are not pains to me hera! How can you talk like this when those children adore you! You married into this family, you knew what you were getting into. You live in my home, hera, and under my rule.
Hongjoong stepped away from her as he said firmly
Hongjoong : my pain is mine alone, fine. But while you're under this roof you will fulfil your duties as the queen and my wife.
Hera stared up at hongjoong with teary eyes before saying
Hera : and if I don't? Will you throw me out? Leave me to freeze out in the cold? Or will you send me back to my family and disgrace me for life?
Hongjoong : you are my wife. If you refuse to fulfil your role as my wife then you have failed in the vows we took before the gods and men.
Tears slipped past hera's eyes at his words as she felt her heart drop, she knew what his answer was but she wanted to hear it from him directly. And so she asked again in a shaky voice
Hera : so you will cast me out, yes?
Hongjoong looked away, clenching his jaw as he said in a low voice
Hongjoong : I will not tolerate a wife who refuses to act as one.
Hera let out a shaky breath as she moved away from him, tears falling down her eyes as she nodded and said without turning to look at him
Hera : so you will disgrace me and dishonor me by casting me out from this place and return me back to my parents like some unwanted goods. Well then, my lord, if a loyal, obedient, dutiful subject is what you want me to be then so be it.
Hera sniffled as she walked towards the door and said
Hera : I shall sleep in my chambers tonight, a marital chamber is usually for a husband and wife who wish to…
Hera swallowed and opened the door as hongjoong said in a tired guilty voice
Hongjoong : hera…
Hera : but clearly you do not require that of me, and so I shall take my leave. Goodnight, my lord.
Hongjoong frowned as she called him that again, wishing now he could take his words back. But as hera shut the door behind her he knew he had to give her space. He had said some horrible things tonight and hurt her more than she already was, he needed to give her time.
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The next day hera finished her breakfast alone in her chambers, having asked her maids to bring the food to her in the guise of being sick. Truth was that she didn't want to face hongjoong, she didn't want to face anyone. But by afternoon she had stepped out of her chambers, wearing all the furs she could wear before stepping out to the gardens.
She had always loved gardens ever since she was little, she grew many flowers and plants in her old castle. And they bloomed, they bloomed and never withered. But this place was too cold, nothing ever grew here and the loss of her flowers and plants made her feel even worse. She could not grow children here and neither could she a garden.
Hera paused on her tracks as she saw raya sitting on a bench reading a book, her eyebrows scrunched in concentration and her tongue peeking out slightly as she traced her index finger along the words. Hera pressed her lips together, suddenly feeling bad for all the horrible things she'd told hongjoong about these children. It wasn't their fault, if she was alone then they were alone too. They didn't even have their mother, at least hera talked to hers through letters.
Hera sighed and slowly walked towards raya, the little girl looking up at her as she softly shut the book
Raya : lady kim.
Hera smiled softly and sat down next to raya, looking at the book she was reading as she realized it was the same book raya had asked her to read yesterday that she had denied.
Hera : you don't have to call me that, you know.
Raya : well…you don't want me calling you eomma either.
Hera : because I am not your eomma, do you not think it is a disrespect to your mother to call another woman eomma?
Raya pouted softly as she looked down at her book and shook her head
Raya : I didn't know my mother, and she didn't know me either. I have only ever known you, you are the only mother I've known.
Hera felt her heart tighten at the little girl's words, nodding slowly as she looked down on the ground before muttering
Hera : is that what you want to call me then? Eomma?
Raya nodded slowly, looking up at hera expectantly. Hera sighed deeply and nodded too, turning her head to look at raya with a soft smile
Hera : alright, then you can call me that.
Raya smiled widely, setting her book aside quickly and wrapping her little arms around hera's neck as she hugged her tightly. Hera felt tears prick her eyes, feeling more guilty for ever having hurt this innocent child. She had accepted hera as her mother, she had walked behind hera all the time only wanting to be loved, wanting to feel a mother's love. How could she ever have the heart to deny a child that?
And so hera wrapped her arms around raya tightly and pulled her into her lap as she pressed a kiss to the girl's head
Hera : I am sorry for yesterday, for sending you and your brother away when you came to me.
Raya : that is alright, I know you were probably just tired. I get tired too, so it is okay.
Hera smiled shakily and pressed another kiss to raya's head as she rocked her gently in her arms. Raya nuzzled against hera's chest before saying
Raya : eomma?
Hera : hmm?
Raya : I always see my friends' hairs being braided by their mothers, their mothers braid their hairs really well and then put pretty pins in them. I…I want to braid my hair like that too. Will you do it for me? Like other mothers do?
Hera shut her eyes tightly as she pressed her face against raya's hair, trying her best not to cry. It was something that was very special, a mother braiding a daughter's hair when they are little. Hera had always wanted to do that some day for her daughter, and had mourned when she'd realized she will never have one.
But she was wrong, she had one now, right in front of her. She may not have carried raya in her womb but raya was hers all the same, and she would be damned if she let raya long for something as simple as this when all of her other friends had them. And so hera nodded against raya's head as she whispered
Hera : of course, sweet girl. I will braid your hair for you for as long as you want, anytime.
Raya giggled excitedly and pulled back as she pressed a long kiss against hera's cheek, making hera smile as she stroked raya's cheek softly. Perhaps she was wrong about nothing growing here, in these gardens.
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Hera walked into the training grounds late evening after having spent the afternoon with raya, now looking for jinyoung so she could make things right with the older boy too. Hera paused on her tracks as she watched jinyoung sparring with his swords master, sweat clinging to his body and small grunts leaving his lips every now and then. It seemed like he had been training for a while.
Soon enough jinyoung managed to disarm the man, bringing his wooden sword to the master's neck as hera smiled and clapped softly. Jinyoung paused at that, turning around to look at hera as he smiled
Jinyoung : lady kim.
The swords master bowed at hera as she nodded and said to him
Hera : that will be enough for today, leave us.
The master nodded and grabbed his things before leaving the training grounds. Hera smiled as she walked closer to jinyoung and said
Hera : you will be a great warrior someday, jinyoung.
Jinyoung : really? Appa says I still have a long way to go.
Hera : he will always say that, he is your father after all. But I am telling you, you have great potential. And you have a good heart, a good heart takes you a long way.
Jinyoung smiled shyly and nodded as hera crouched down and held both his hands in hers before squeezing it softly
Hera : I wanted to apologize, for yesterday. When you came to me to play I-I sent you away, that was not right of me.
Jinyoung pressed his lips together gently and nodded as he looked down at his feet
Jinyoung : did you perhaps have a fight with appa?
Hera frowned softly, looking at jinyoung as she whispered
Hera : what makes you think that?
Jinyoung : he was very restless today, he was all snappy and irritable and…harsh. He is only that way when you've fought with him.
Hera sighed softly as she lowered her head, not knowing what to say.
Hera : I…well your appa and I are husband and wife. This is how marriages work, we have quarrels and fights sometimes.
Jinyoung : oh yes I know, I one day hope to have a marriage like yours too. I hope to love someone the way appa loves you.
Hera grimaced softly at his words, those words a stab to her heart after what had lapsed between her and hongjoong.
Jinyoung : I've never said this before but I was not very keen on accepting you as my family in the beginning, or as my mother in a sense. I…I was 6 when my mother died and I had a few memories of her, unlike raya. And so I was…reluctant. But it was appa who asked me to give you a chance, he told me that you were a good woman and deserving of my love and so I…I decided to give you a chance.
Hera felt small tears fill her eyes at his words, looking down as she inhaled shakily
Jinyoung : my little sister loves you so much, you know? She sees you as her eomma, and every day she tells me how well you read her stories and how kind you are. That…was what made me love you more. If my appa and my little sister loves you so much and adores you, how can I not? How can I not accept you and hurt them in the process? And so I began to love you too.
Hera bit her lower lip as she nodded, squeezing jinyoung's hands as he smiled and said
Jinyoung : I just hope you always make them happy, raya and appa, that's all I want.
Hera : and you? Do you not want to be happy too?
Jinyoung : my happiness comes from my family, as long as they're happy I am too.
Hera : jinyoung-
Jinyoung : and now you are part of my family too, that means I want you to be happy as well.
Hera chuckled shakily as she sniffled and mumbled
Hera : you sound like a wise old grandfather.
Jinyoung giggled softly as hera smiled and pulled him into her arms, hugging him tightly. Jinyoung sighed softly and pressed his head against hera's shoulder as she said
Hera : I wanted to tell you something.
Jinyoung : hmm?
Hera : if you…if you ever want to call me eomma, you can. Raya asked me today whether she could and I…all this while I'd refrained her from doing so because I believed it was a disrespect to your birth mother. But I realized today that that might not be the case. I…I want to be an eomma to the both of you, if you want me to that is. You are good children, I don't want to deprive you of that
Jinyoung smiled and pulled back as he stared at hera for a few seconds before leaning forward and pressing a kiss to her cheek as he mumbled
Jinyoung : alright, eomma.
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A week later :
Hera avoided hongjoong as much as she could most of the time, keeping only to herself and of course the children. When hongjoong was around the children she would stay away from them, and although raya did not give it much thought jinyoung knew what was going on. He even found it amusing, probably because he didn't know the grim reason behind the fight.
Hera was currently reading a book in the library when raya came skipping into it as she called out
Raya : eomma?
Hera smiled as she looked at raya and set her book down slowly
Hera : hello sweetheart, what is it?
Raya stopped right in front of where hera was sitting as she said excitedly
Raya : appa went hunting today and brought back your favorite boar, the cooks have cooked it exactly the way you like it too. He said you should come with us today and have dinner together, you've been having dinner alone for a week now anyway.
Hera paused at her words, sighing softly as she looked away. Hongjoong had been doing that this past week, bringing her gifts and doing discreet things for her. Bringing her silks and gowns, jewels, books, seeds for plants that could withstand winter, hera had put them all into her cupboards and not opened it.
Hera : raya I'm not that hungry-
Raya : oh come on! Don't lie to me, I know you love the boar soup. Come now eomma, I'm starving.
Before hera could say anything raya had pulled her up and began dragging her to the dining halls, and hera could do nothing but follow her quietly. And soon hera entered the dining halls along with raya, jinyoung and hongjoong already seated and the maids having set the food and plates down.
Hongjoong looked up as his daughter and wife entered, his eyes not leaving hera as he felt his heart thud in anticipation. Hera although did not spare hongjoong a glance, only smiling at jinyoung before sitting down at her seat. Hongjoong looked at hera as he said in a soft voice
Hongjoong : I've…got you a boar for dinner.
Hera did not answer and just picked up her fork and knife before looking at the kids as she gave them a tight smile
Hera : shall we eat?
The siblings nodded and quickly began eating, munching onto the food on their plates. Hera too began eating, not looking at hongjoong. He sighed softly and looked down at his plates, slowly beginning to eat as well. But he had no appetite, and as the children began talking excitedly about their day he could only smile faintly and nod even though he barely heard anything they were saying.
Soon enough the children had finished eating and had said their goodnights before scurrying off to their respective chambers to sleep. Hongjoong looked at hera as she got up to leave as well but before she could he held her hand in his and whispered softly
Hongjoong : I want you to come back to our chambers, hera.
Hera did not look at hongjoong, her face blank as she murmured
Hera : is that a command, your majesty?
Hongjoong : have I ever commanded you to do something you do not want, hera? And quit calling me that, you are my wife.
Hera : yes, and I have my duties. You have told me. If you wish me to come to the chambers to perform my wifely duties-
Hera cut herself off as hongjoong suddenly stood up, his chair scraping against the floors loudly as his eyes turned hurt and upset
Hongjoong : is that what I have been to you all this while? Have I ever forced myself on you for my own pleasure, hera? Did I rush you on our wedding night? When you were scared did I not say we will consummate our marriage some other day, and did I not wait for you to be ready?
Hera looked away, clenching her jaw as hongjoong held her hand in both of his and said
Hongjoong : how can you say that to me? You will come to me and have sex with me when I command you like it is some duty?
Hera : it is my duty-
Hongjoong : your duty is not to take my cock down your cunt it is to love me! It is to love me and my children, our children! And my duty is to love you, and to cherish you, to protect you and keep you happy. And I know I have failed, I know I have failed as a husband and I have hurt you but I…I wish to correct it. That is why I want you to come to our chambers, so we can talk, so I can apologize. Not for…
Hongjoong grimaced and looked away as he shook his head and let go of her hand
Hongjoong : you have not talked to me for a week and I have not forced myself on you, I-I only wished to ask tonight because I missed you. But if you do not want to speak to me tonight either, then it is fine. I will wait, I can always wait. I will wait until my death if that is what it takes. It does not matter.
Hera bit down on her lip to prevent it from trembling as hongjoong looked at her and said in a tired voice
Hongjoong : I am sorry, and I love you. I will always love you, always.
With that hongjoong turned around and left the dining halls, leaving hera alone with a troubled mind.
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A week later :
Hongjoong had kept his word and not bothered her again, although the gifts continued to come silently and surely. Hera did not wear his gifts initially or try to talk to him, but she had started to dine with him and the children again. And slowly she began wearing his gifts now and then too, she could see how happy it made hongjoong when she would wear the dresses he’d gifted her, even if she never talked to him.
And then a week later hera was sitting by the fireplace in her room when a thunderstorm began raging outside the castle walls. She had always loved the rain.
And so she waited until the thunders passed and then stepped out of her chambers, walking towards the gardens close to her room. As the guards opened the doors and hera stepped out she paused on her tracks, her eyes landing on hongjoong who was knelt at the floor digging and planting something. He was drenched head to toe and it seemed that he had been out here a while considering the mud stained on his clothes and hands.
Hera : what are you doing?
Hongjoong froze as he looked up, his eyes widened as he wiped his muddy hands on his tunic and stood up slowly
Hongjoong : hera.
Hera lifted her skirts and stepped down into the gardens before walking towards hongjoong, the rain beating down on her and drenching her too
Hongjoong : you shouldn't be here-
Hera : are you planting rose seeds?
Hongjoong paused for a few seconds before nodding slowly as he muttered
Hongjoong : I got special rose seeds imported from a kingdom far away and they arrived today afternoon, they say these are the only kinds of roses that grow in this weather and you've always told me how much you miss your roses. And so I thought I should plant them for you and surprise you when they grow…if they grow. I didn't wish to give you false hope.
Hera swallowed shakily, feeling her heart soften at his words. But she kept her face blank as she asked
Hera : and your idea was to plant them during a thunderstorm?
Hongjoong : I hadn't planned for that, I had planned to do it tonight and it just happened to rain. Well, I thought that was a good thing. I wouldn't need to bring a water jug along with me because the rain will do that job for me now and even loosen up the mud. All I had to do was dig, plant, and cover it up. I was almost done with it.
Hera let out a scoff at his words, almost wanting to smile. She looked at the half covered hole on the ground before looking back up at hongjoong as she said
Hera : you could have had someone do this for you, didn't have to get all dirty.
Hongjoong : it's only special if I do it, and I wanted it to be special. I wanted to do this for you. I…I took you away from the place you loved most, from your family and your plants and I brought you here where there was nothing. I have given you nothing, so I thought the least I could do was this.
Hera stared at hongjoong for a few seconds before sighing as she shook her head
Hera : you have given me something, you gave me the kids. You gave me raya and jinyoung.
Hongjoong : but not kids of your own-
Hera : they are my kids now, they call me eomma, if you have noticed. They see me as their mother, and so I see them as my children now. You were right about that.
Hongjoong smiled shakily, looking down at his feet as he nodded softly and mumbled
Hongjoong : I am thankful you see that way now.
Hera : and I…you have given me some other things too. You gave me a loving, protective husband.
Hongjoong looked back up at hera in part surprise, the rain streaming down his face as he mumbled
Hongjoong : hera-
Hera : yes he is aggravating sometimes, and most of the time I don't understand him and I wish he were different in some ways but…I love him all the same. He may not give me kids but he gives me a good title, a good comfortable place to live. He may not always be around me, spoiling me with his attention but he lavishes me with all the books and seeds and gowns I could want.
Hongjoong : that is not enough.
Hera : most of the times it is…but sometimes it is not. It is not easy to accept that if I do not perform certain duties I will be abandoned by my husband.
Hongjoong : I would never abandon you.
Hera : two weeks ago you said-
Hongjoong : I did say that and I have regretted it ever since, as a matter of fact I didn't mean them even when I said it. I was hurt, when you spoke that way about the children and then told me I should find comfort in some brothel like I would ever…dishonor you like that it angered me. And I wanted to get back at you, like a pathetic fool and I chose horrible means to do it. It was my fault, and I am so sorry for that.
Hera pressed her lips together and looked down at her feet as she muttered
Hera : I shouldn't have said those things either, I was just…tired and I needed you and you weren't there.
Hongjoong : I know, I was caught up in my duties.
Hera : and you made it seem like I was a charity case, yes you have given me a better title and name but for you to say I was nothing before you-
Hongjoong : I never thought of you as a charity case. When I said that about your house…it wasn't to belittle you. It came out wrong. What I meant was that I chose to marry someone who didn't have grand connections, because you were the one I wanted. I wanted you the moment I saw you dancing at that feast, and I've wanted you every day since. That's why I married you, that is the only reason why.
Hera bit her lip as the rain began to slowly cease around them, pressing her hands together as she said shakily
Hera : and I…I loved you too, I was so happy to marry you and be your wife. Even if you wouldn't ever want to give me children I-I chose you because I loved you. And then I came here and you began to be so far away, and I was so alone.
Hongjoong stepped closer to hera and held both her hands in his as he squeezed them and said
Hongjoong : I never wanted to make you feel like that. Gods, that was the last thing I intended.
Hongjoong leaned down and pressed his forehead against hers as he whispered
Hongjoong : you were my joy when we first married, my happiness. Watching you light up the halls of our castle with your smile, that's what made this place feel like home again after sihyun died. And I screwed it all up by being an idiot and invalidating your feelings when I should've been holding you close to me.
Hera shut her eyes tightly as tears filled behind them, a shaky exhale leaving her lips as hongjoong continued
Hongjoong : we've had disagreements before, we'll have them again. But I…I don't want us to lose each other over this. I can't bear to have you gone I…I could never survive that. You don't have to forgive me wholly, but give me a chance. Be with me again, sleep with me again, kiss me again.
Hera pressed her lips together as she slowly opened her eyes to look up at hongjoong's teary ones, realizing he'd been crying too. Hera let out a small noise and hugged him tightly, pressing her face against his damp shoulder as hongjoong's arms wrapped tight around her waist
Hera : I don't like being away from you, and I don't like fighting with you.
Hongjoong cradled the back of her head against his shoulder as his other hand stroked her back slowly before whispering firmly
Hongjoong : I will never do this to you again, I-I will try to be better. And some day I…I hope I will have enough courage to give you what you have always wanted, a baby.
Hera let out a small sob as she pulled back and cupped his face, hongjoong smiling tearfully as he whispered hoarsely
Hongjoong : someday, I hope to give you the chance to carry our child in you.
Hera smiled and nodded shakily as she said in a broken voice
Hera : as long as you love me, and don't run from me anymore, I will wait.
Hongjoong : oh you bet I will be running at you from now on, my lady.
Hera chuckled shakily and tiptoed as she pressed her lips against his, hongjoong humming softly as he kissed her back deep and true. The rain stopped around them, their drenched bodies pressed against each other and a rose beginning to grow in the gardens for the first time ever.
Meanwhile jinyoung and raya watched the scene from their windows above, a grimace on raya's face as she said to her brother
Raya : ew, why are they drinking each others' saliva?
Jinyoung : it's called kissing, raya.
Raya : kissing is having a tongue fight?
Jinyoung gently nudged raya with his arm as he frowned indignantly
Jinyoung : don't word it like that!
Raya : that's what it looks like to me.
Jinyoung : then look away.
Raya : I hate you.
Jinyoung : I love you too, my dear sister.
Raya huffed as she skipped back to her bed and got on it as she mumbled
Raya : when I have a husband I am not going to have a tongue fight with him.
Jinyoung chuckled as he got on his bed right next to hers and asked
Jinyoung : then what will you do with your husband hmm?
Raya : I think I shall have pillow fights with him and ride ponies together.
Jinyoung laughed at that, lying back on the bed and pulling his blankets over him as he muttered
Jinyoung : some fighting and riding you're gonna do.
Pairing : Choi San (Ateez) and named character (Lee Sieun)
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Tw:|| mentions of blood, injury, tad bit of gore etc.
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They had chained san upright in a narrow cell where the ceiling dripped water and the floor sloped towards a drain blackened by years of use. And judging by the smell of it, san could imagine what kind of water it was. But that wasn't the worst of it, his wrists were fixed high enough that standing hurt and sagging hurt worse, and it was cold, he didn't know it could be so cold here. He had grown used to sieun's warm chambers.
San looked up as a man entered, one of his ears missing and a scar running along his eyebrow. He carried parchment, and a hammer. He held both up pleasantly with a smile and said
??? : his grace says you may yet choose which one answers first.
San scorned at his face and gathered up saliva on his tongue before spitting it at his boots. The man sighed and rolled his eyes before setting the parchment down
??? : his grace was right when he said you were dramatic, but alas, princes always are.
San : did the usurper also tell you that I will not sign anything for him?
??? : his grace holds his position by right of inheritance.
San : he lost that right when he rebelled against the royal family.
The man shrugged as he grabbed hold of san's right hand and said
??? : all the same to me. Write your name and sign it, or I break the ones that hold a quill.
San eyed the parchment and realized that the surrender was already written by someone, all that was needed now was his sign and name. Changbin really was desperate. San scoffed and said to the man
San : fuck you and your cunt of a king.
The man hummed and lifted the hammer, bringing it down on san's little finger with a crack. Pain exploded white hot through his arm as san screamed, the laughter of the men outside burning hotter than the pain of his broken bones. San sagged against the chains, shaking slightly as he panted.
The man examined the swelling as he said casually
??? : one. Sign?
San glared at the man, taking note of his face so he could smash it to bits when he had the chance before seething
San : break the rest.
The man smiled and raised his hammer again
??? : good, I hate easy days.
__________________________________
Sieun sat against the pillows as the maids cleaned blood from her hair, her face pale and grave. She wished she hadn't woken up, but she had. Turns out the gods didn't want her yet, and so she would live. Live to see her brother being impaled on a sword and smile at his misery.
Maid 1 : it needs stitches, your grace.
Sieun : then stitch it.
Maid 1 : your grace it could be better done by a physician-
Sieun : no, that is final.
Sieun hated physicians, they poked and prodded and said stupid things but worst of all they reported to changbin, sieun wouldn't have that. She would rather die from an infection from her unskilled maids' stitches, because at least they were hers.
Maid 1 : as your grace wishes, then. But…you should lie down, the pain will be bad.
Sieun clenched her jaw and thought of san who would be going through worse under her at the dungeons and sat more upright before saying firmly
Sieun : just stitch the damn thing.
The maid exchanged a look with the four other ones in the room and grabbed the tools before beginning. The needle bit into her tender skin but sieun did not flinch, instead she fisted the sheets hard and tight as she endured the pain. Another maid sat beside her and dabbed at the blood on her cheek as if to distract her as sieun inhaled deeply and muttered
Sieun : how is he?
The young maid looked at the others, her eyes wary. Sieun grunted and said irritatedly
Sieun : are they your lady or am I? You answer to me, so tell me.
Maid 2 : I-I am not so sure your grace.
Sieun : did they break anything?
Maid 2 : my lady I…they brought hot water below. And the hammer room was opened, the screams I…am not sure if they were the prince's or...
Sieun shut her eyes tightly, pressing her lips together as she tried her best not to let the emotions overcome her. It would be fine, she would fix this.
Sieun : how many fingers?
Maid 2 : uh…three at the moment, your grace.
Sieun : what else?
Maid 3 : your grace it is better if-
Sieun : ANSWER ME!
Maid 2 : a nail under his index finger, some beatings, that is all we know.
Sieun panted softly as she turned her head away, the other maid having been done with the stitches as she kept the tools away. Sieun clenched her jaw as she mumbled
Sieun : will it scar?
Maid 1 : I-I am afraid so your grace.
Sieun : good, let it.
Sieun leaned back against the pillows and said to the other two maids
Sieun : bring food, not for me, but for the dungeon guards. Bring them more food and more wine than usual, and dose the amount of alcohol in them, add whatever you need to in order make them dream. Do it proper.
Sieun looked towards the window in her chambers as she muttered
Sieun : for I need them dreaming until dawn.
____________________________
San sagged heavily against his chains as his body rocked back and forth gently, the motion soothing him just a bit despite bringing him pain. The men had left after hours of torturing him, most of the fingers in his right hand were broken now and his face was so swollen he could feel it in his bones. It hurt everywhere, and san could barely see straight.
San's eyes fluttered close as he let his mind wander, anything to distract himself from the horrible pain. And to his utter shock he saw sieun behind his eyelids, the small flutter of a smile she would have here and there, her hands gentle against his skin as she bathed him. He remembered it all, he longed to feel those gentle touches after all this pain.
And then san remembered her crying and begging, her sobs and pained moans as changbin hit her. He remembered the way she tried to grab changbin's sword as if to kill him, as if she would kill for san. And san remembered that teenage girl he'd seen all those years ago, and the stray bunny she'd fed outside the feasting hall when no one was looking.
San let out a small noise as he heard light footsteps approach him, his eyes slowly fluttering open as he saw a hooded figure approaching behind the bars. San frowned as the figure took her hood off, revealing the face of the woman san was just dreaming about.
San blinked his eyes, thinking this had to be a part of the dream. But when sieun pushed a key into the lock and stepped inside, san knew it wasn't.
San : sieun…
Sieun paused as san called her that, the first time he had called her by her name. But her face turned grave as she lifted her candlelight to inspect san properly and she gasped. His left eye was swollen dark purple, split at the brow, blood had dried at the corner of his mouth and one side of his jaw was beginning to bruise blue-black beneath his skin. And his wrists…raw, flayed nearly to meat from fighting against the chains.
Sieun : don't speak.
Sieun quickly put the basket she was carrying down onto the ground before fumbling with the keys she was holding
Sieun : I drugged the guards but not for long so just-just let me get these off.
The keys shook in her hands as san stared at her and the bandage wrapped around her head, the fading blood stark near her hairline
San : you're hurt.
Sieun : I'm alive.
San : that bastard hit you, how can you-
Sieun : he has done worse.
San paused as sieun swallowed and unlocked the chains at his hands, the chains loosening as san nearly collapsed from the sudden shift in weight. But sieun caught at him instinctively, both hands flying to his chest. San hissed in pain, and sieun froze for a second before gently lowering him down onto the ground so he sat back against the walls
Sieun : they broke your fingers.
San : at least they didn't cut them off, although soon enough they might move onto that part.
San leaned his head back against the wall as he panted, the pain in his back easing just a bit
Sieun : don't say things like that.
San : why? You prefer lies?
Sieun : no. No, I prefer you well and alive.
San stared back at her as they stayed silent for a few seconds before sieun quickly turned and began grabbing things from the basket. San eyed her weakly, watching as she took out bandages, mashed herbs, water, clean cloth, bread, a small dagger, a small vial and a ring of keys. San's gaze fixated on the ring of keys, a frown forming on his face as sieun wet the cloth with the mashed herbs before saying
Sieun : listen to me now. You can still get out through the eastern postern gate, I'm assuming you know the place because that's likely how you were brought in in the first place. The guards there changes at moonset and both men on watch are drunk enough to miss an army.
Sieun pressed the wet cloth against the major bruises along his jaw as she said
Sieun : there's a horse waiting in the lower forest beyond the ravine. It might be painful to ride but I've brought along a potion that will grant you pain-relief and strength for a few hours. Drink that and ride south until dawn and then avoid the main roads, you should reach your palace by noon tomorrow.
San stared at sieun in utter shock, flinching slightly as she touched the cloth to his split lip carefully. What was she doing? First she came here to tend to him when she herself was clearly hurt and now she was allowing him escape?
San : you planned this?
Sieun : I planned many things, most failed.
San just watched sieun as she continued pressing the cloth against his bruises, the pain not even registering to him anymore. A few seconds later she muttered
Sieun : you need to leave.
San swallowed shakily as his eyes shifted to the ring of keys
San : and you?
Sieun : what about me?
San : you expect me to ride away and leave you here with your brother?
Sieun : that is exactly what I expect you to do, and you will do it.
San : and since when have I obeyed you word for word?
Sieun scoffed and shook her head as she lowered the cloth and looked at san intently
Sieun : you don't understand.
San : no, explain it to me then. Go ahead, tell me how exactly this makes sense.
Sieun : if I flee with you, your family will execute me before sunrise.
San : that's not true-
Sieun : it is absolutely true! San, I am the sister of the man who burned your villages and butchered your soldiers. I chained their crown prince, humiliated him, starved him, and collared him. Your people hate me, your family hate me, you-
San : I don't.
Both of them froze at that, san not having expected himself to blurt that out loud. But the pain did things to him, and looking at sieun's teary eyes he couldn't hold himself back. And so he looked away and clenched his jaw before rasping out
San : I mean…not enough to leave you here to your brother.
Sieun shook her head, her nose scrunching as if to hold in the tears as she whispered
Sieun : you should. You should hate me.
San : I tried.
Sieun : you don't know what you're saying.
San : yes, I do. I know you stood between me and changbin, I know you begged for me, and I know you offered yourself to that animal to save me.
Sieun stared at san in confusion and then shock as realization dawned on her, the door had been ajar and san's chambers was right opposite it.
Sieun : you heard that?
San : every word.
Sieun laughed shakily, the sound almost a sob as she pressed her hand against her mouth. This was horrible, when she'd begged changbin about rieun she hadn't known san knew who that was. It was already humiliating, and now it had just gotten worse.
Sieun : how humiliating.
San : sieun-
Sieun : no! Do not say my name gently now, not after everything. You don't get to become kind only once I've ruined myself enough for you to notice me!
San paused as sieun stood up, shaking her head as she paced around restlessly before muttering
Sieun : when I was fourteen, I used to imagine this. You looking at me as though I mattered, you saying my name like it was something precious to keep. Gods, how pathetic I was.
San : you were not pathetic.
Sieun : yes I was! I loved a boy who barely remembered my face, I loved a boy who was way too good for me to even consider the fact that I existed! I longed for you every day, I longed for you every minute and then when I finally had you I chained you because I didn't know how else to keep anything from leaving!
Sieun sniffled as she shakily wiped her tears, san's eyes softening as he stared at her. He didn't know what to feel, he didn't know what to say. He wanted to tell her he had noticed her, he wanted to tell her he'd thought of her too, but what her family did to his, what she had done to him when he'd first been here held him back from saying anything. But he knew one thing, he didn't want her hurt.
San : come with me, then.
Sieun : don't.
San : I mean it-
Sieun : you don't know what you're asking.
San : I'm asking you to come with me.
Sieun : and when your mother asks what should be done with me? When your court demands my head? When mothers whose sons died because of my family spit at my feet and scream for me to be drawn and quartered? Will you protect me forever, san?
San knew it was impossible, san knew he could never have her without losing his crown. But looking at her now, he had nothing else to say. He was desperate.
San : yes.
Sieun let out a shaky laugh and muttered
Sieun : you say that now because you pity me.
San : I would never pity you.
Sieun : why wouldn't you? You said it yourself, how pathetic my life was. Do not think I will forget the words that you spat at me those days ago, I might have walked away and acted all the same but I will not forget those words.
San : if you hate me so much why are you letting me go?
Sieun : if you hate me so much why don't you just go?
The both of them went silent after that, staring at each other for a few seconds before sieun let out a breath and knelt down in front of him again as she said desperately
Sieun : you must go before I lose the courage to let you.
San : no.
Sieun : san.
San : if I leave and changbin discovers this, which he will, he will kill you.
Sieun : he may kill me anyway.
San : then I stay. I am not leaving you to him, not if I can help it I won't. I know in my heart that my family will come soon, they will come for me and when they do they will end changbin and his men. I know they're coming soon, and when they do we can both leave here together.
Sieun : you know that doesn't make sense, what if your family comes too late? And if they do come and kill changbin, there is no way they're going to let me live. I am a part of them.
San : as for the first part, I know they will come soon. I know my family and it has already been far too long, now it is only a matter of time. As for the second part, I will figure a way out. You have to leave that part to me.
Sieun : you cannot possibly-
San : I am the crown prince, and after my father I will be king. There is nothing much I cannot do, I will make them listen to me.
Sieun stared at san as tears slipped past her eyes, shaking her head slowly as she whispered
Sieun : please, please you have to listen to me. This is the only chance I can give you, tomorrow they-they will come again and they will torture you again. And it…it will be worse than this.
Sieun looked at san's broken fingers as she pressed her lips together, hoping san would just leave. San sighed softly and mumbled
San : you think I can't handle a bit of pain?
Sieun : what if they cut off your hand? Bones can mend themselves, a hand won't.
San : then I will wear an iron hand and rule with it.
Sieun : you are ridiculous!
San : I might be but I am not a coward, I will not run. You should go now, before someone finds you.
San turned his head away, as if his decision was made and the conversation was done. He would make for a great king, but he wouldn't be one if he stayed back here with the mere hopes that his family would come soon.
Sieun : you stay because you don't want me hurt, but if you do stay it will only hurt me more.
San kept his gaze fixated on the stone wall beside them, not saying anything. Sieun sighed and held his face, turning it to face her as she said
Sieun : listen to me, I cannot have you be tortured here while I sit in my chambers all warm and safe. I would rather be hanged to death than hear your screams day and night as those men torture you. If you stay, they will torture you more and worse and it will…it will break me more than if you left and changbin killed me.
San stared into her eyes before whispering hoarsely
San : you cannot make me go, and I do not care if it hurts more for you if I get tortured here. I would rather have you hurting and alive than peaceful and dead. My decision is made, sieun. You have brought yourself unnecessary trouble by coming here.
Sieun let out a frustrated noise and stood up, grabbing the piece of bread and water before throwing it at him
Sieun : eat this at least, so you can have the energy to shout louder tomorrow.
Sieun grabbed her dagger and smashed the chains above with the hilt of her dagger, surprising san with her strength. Then again, he supposed people grew stronger when they were angry and frustrated.
Sieun : you can tell the guards tomorrow that you broke these chains yourself by struggling against it during the night and fell to the floor, lest they suspect someone came and freed them for you.
Sieun sheathed her dagger back against her ankle and grabbed her things before swiftly walking towards the cell gate. San let out a breath and said
San : are you angry with me?
Sieun stepped out and locked the cell gate before saying to san in a bitter tone
Sieun : I have been angry with you since the moment we met all those years ago.
___________________________________
San flinched as he suddenly woke up from his sleep by the distant noises coming from outside the dungeons, the noises followed by screaming and yelling. San felt his breath catch as he looked around wildly, supposing it was hardly dawn. After sieun had left a few hours ago he'd eaten the bread greedily and drank some water before slumping back against the walls to sleep. He had expected to be woken up by someone throwing a cold bucket of water at him, not this.
The castle was under attack, he could hear the chaos erupting above, the boots thundering overhead and the men shouting orders through corridors as steel clashed violently against steel. But most importantly he could hear the war cry, his family's banner cry. San felt hope and relief blooming in his chest, that quickly turning into fear and worry as he remembered sieun.
San lunged toward the bars despite the pain, watching as guards sprinted past without looking inside. He felt one of them shout that the eastern gate had fallen, and another one shouting how the hell the intruders had gotten inside the lower hall so easily and quickly. And san knew immediately, the drugged wine, sieun. Gods, she had indirectly helped his family attack better and faster. And no one would know about it. She had weakened her own brother's defenses for him unknowingly.
Knowing what was taking place san looked around his cell, his eyes landing on the vial sieun had brought before that she’d left behind accidentally. San bent down and grabbed it before taking the stopper off and downing it in one go. He needed the energy, and he needed the pain to fade at least for a bit.
San flinched as a distant explosion shook dust from the ceiling, the battle growing closer to him now. A man screamed somewhere nearby, the scream abruptly cut off as blood sprayed across the corridor wall outside his cell. And then a soldier was thrown backwards onto the stones a few feet away from him with a sword through his throat. San gasped as he saw the sword, the queen's sword.
San looked up as footsteps rushed towards him and a figure appeared through smoke and torchlight, clad entirely in black armor lined with silver mountains. His family's crest, worn only by three people in the kingdom.
Soyeon : my son.
San stared at his mother with teary eyes as soyeon grabbed her sword from the soldier's dead body and struck down the lock before throwing the cell door wide open and rushing in. And as she got closer san could see that his mother looked older, as if she was grieving.
San : eomma…
Soyeon gripped his face hard, desperate as though needing proof he was real. She blinked her tears away as she whispered shakily
Soyeon : you are alive, san-ah…gods I was so worried.
San stared at his mother as she scanned him worriedly, her gaze darkening at his wounds and bruises. She gently cradled his left hand and looked down at the broken fingers before muttering angrily
Soyeon : they did this to you, those monsters.
San : where's lee sieun?
The question escaped too fast before san could stop himself, and for a second he feared his mother would see right through him. But then she smiled, taking his arm before leading him out of the cell as she said
Soyeon : you will see.
San stumbled slightly as he walked with her, the potion was slowly numbing the pain but it could still be felt when he moved. But the bread and water had helped, the paste sieun had applied on his wounds had helped. San looked towards his mother before asking
San : what happened? Why did you take so long?
The queen paused on her tracks, her face instantly changing. San frowned, knowing right then and there that something was wrong.
San : eomma, what's happened?
Soyeon : I wish I could say this to you under better conditions, san-ah.
San : eomma-
Soyeon : your father is dead,
San's eyes widened, a choked gasp leaving his lips as he felt the world stopping around him. The sounds of battle dulled into distant static and san suddenly realized why his mother was wearing black armor when she usually always wore gold. A thousand thoughts ran through his head, the images of his father teaching him horse riding and how to wield a sword as a young boy, and the image of his father kissing him goodnight.
Soyeon : he died six nights ago from the wound he took at the siege that captured you, san.
San shook his head automatically, suddenly feeling rage fill his heart. The lee family had killed his father, one of their soldiers under changbin's command had taken from him the man he loved most.
San : no.
Soyeon : we kept it hidden, that is why it took so long. If the kingdom learned both king and crown prince were gone…there would have been civil war before sunrise. I was…grieving and it was a shock to all of us and I was busy trying to make sense of everything, do the right thing at the right pace.
San could barely breathe now, his father dead and he didn't even have the last chance to see him or kiss him goodbye. He didn't have the chance to perform the appropriate rites, because he was sitting all cozy in sieun's chambers eating her food and living off of her mercy. He felt disgusting, and for a second he felt rage towards sieun.
Soyeon shook her head as she saw the tears in san's eyes, her hand gripping his arm tightly as she said firmly
Soyeon : you will mourn later. You are king now, choi san.
San shut his eyes tightly, a soft noise leaving his lips. King, he was king. Before san could say anything soyeon grabbed his arm and dragged him out the dungeon. San followed his mother mindlessly, just as he did when he was a little boy. He wanted to go back, he didn't want to be king. He wanted to be that little boy again.
And soon enough san and his mother had stepped into the throne room minutes later, the room smelling like blood and smoke. San looked around at the bodies littering the marble floor beneath torn banners and shattered spears, changbin's men all defeated. Dawn finally bled weakly through the blood stained glass windows, painting everything red.
But as soon as san stepped forward into sight the soldiers in the room quietened down, all of them turning towards him. And then san watched as they all dropped slowly to one knee, armor thundering against stone. San watched them all with blank eyes, their heads bowed as they chanted
??? : long live the king!
The cry shook the hall, but san could barely hear it as he looked at the only person that wasn't kneeling, lee sieun. She stood next to her brother's dead body that lay on the floor with a sword pierced clean through his chest, black blood soaking the ends of her tattered night gown. Sieun was collared now, her wrists and legs chained with the same irons that had once bound san. Blood still streaked one side of her temple and her gown was ripped and dirty, a hand print on her cheek and small bruises along her arms and neck.
Sieun's eyes found san's, their gazes locking through the array of knelt soldiers. She looked relieved, as if her brother wasn't lying dead by her feet and her family banner torn to shreds behind her. The soldier who was holding her chains gave a harsh tug to her collar as sieun stumbled a bit
??? : bow before your king, you bitch!
San opened his mouth to say something but his mother cut him off sternly
Soyeon : no need, this one kneels only at her execution.
Murmurs of approval spread immediately among the soldiers, one of them calling her a traitorous bitch and another demanding that she be hanged for chaining their king. San felt his heart thud fast at their words but sieun's face remained calm, her eyes never leaving his.
Soyeon : lee sieun will be transported to the capital in chains as prisoner of the crown. As a slave, as she once kept our king.
The hall erupted at that, all of them roaring their agreements and approval. San's eyes ran along them, and he knew their grief, their dead brothers and sons killed by this family. They were right to hate her, and he remembered his father once telling him that a king listened to his people, not his heart.
His heart wanted different things, a part of it still blamed her for a lot of things, her family had just killed his father after all. And so that part won out, flamed by the roars of his men and his mother.
San looked at sieun with hardened eyes now, sieun's eyes soft and accepting and glimmering with tears. The men all turned to san to hear what he had to say, he was king now, and his were the final words. San inhaled deeply, steeling himself. Kings did not belong to themselves, if he showed her mercy that would set precedent for every traitor that would one day rise against him. Moreover this was better than killing her straight away, maybe he could find some way out for her once they’re in the capital.
San : lee sieun stripped a crown prince of his dignity, collared him like an animal and taught him exactly how cruel captivity can be. So I think it is only fair…that my reign begins by returning every lesson to her.
San watched as tears slipped past sieun's eyes, and as much as it hurt him he raised his head high and said loudly
San : from now on until the rest of her days, she will be my prisoner.
Pairing : Choi San (Ateez) and named character (Lee Sieun)
_____________________
Tw:|| mentions of abuse, blood etc
______________________
3 days later :
Sieun walked into the war room with her hands held behind her back, nodding at the lords who bowed at her before looking towards her brother who sat at the head of the table tracing his rings carelessly. He eyed her up and down, taking in the opulent embroidered silk gown she was wearing, the blues of it matching the sapphires adorning the rest of her jewelry. He scoffed and said
Changbin : while you dress up in silks and jewels, playing doll around my castle the royal family plots our demise, sister.
Sieun : and whose fault is that, brother?
Changbin frowned at her, anger flickering in his eyes as he said sharply
Changbin : I avenge us, sieun! Have you forgotten the humiliation we had to face during that feast all those years ago, huh? When the so called king and queen questioned our legitimacy, called our mother a whore?
Sieun sighed as she clasped her hand tight behind her, the memories of it still fresh in her mind. The way those nobles laughed at her parents, the shame that burned on her mother's face and the anger in her father's eyes, she remembered it all. She remembered a young changbin vowing to avenge this dishonor, she remembered it all.
But they had lost so much for this one vow of his, their father from a lost battle, their mother from an assassin, so many of their soldiers, how long was changbin going to keep going?
Sieun : I remember it.
Changbin : good, then I need you to finally play your part and do something for me, for our family.
Sieun watched as changbin stood up and walked towards her slowly
Changbin : you have to make choi san sign a surrender letter, write that he agrees to surrender to us and accept defeat. Make him sign it, and we will send it to his parents. And then we will finally be done with it all, our honor will be restored and we will no longer have to bow to them like dogs.
Sieun stared at changbin for a second before bursting into laughter, shaking her head In disbelief as she pressed her hand against her mouth
Sieun : are you serious? You think choi san will write a fucking surrender to us? He would rather have his head on a pike than utter the word surrender.
Changbin : he is your pet, and you will make him write it. It is as simple as that.
Sieun : I cannot make him do anything, you are an idiot if you think he will sign it.
Changbin : cannot? I was told you could make him kneel, make him eat from your hand, dance him around the court if you wanted.
Sieun : humiliation is not obedience, and force feeding him is not the same as making him sign surrender. It might bring honor to our family but it will bring shame and destruction to his, you think he will do that?
Sieun looked around at the lords in disbelief, wondering why none of them told this very obvious fact to changbin. Judging by their half empty goblets of water, she supposed they had.
Changbin : I don't care, I want it done and I want it done quick.
Sieun sighed and rolled her eyes, crossing her arms in front of her before saying
Sieun : if you have summoned me here to throw a baseless tantrum I shall return to my dolls and jewels, brother.
Sieun moved as if to turn, pausing on her tracks as changbin slammed his hand down hard on the table beside her, making the cups rattle as he yelled
Changbin : YOU WILL STAND WHERE I PLACE YOU!
The room went silent, the lords all straightening as sieun slowly looked back at him with a cold gaze. She was tired of this, tired of him and his impossible demands.
Sieun : you mistake yourself for father more and more everyday.
Changbin's eyes sharpened as he moved closer to her and whispered
Changbin : careful.
Sieun : why? Will you skin another rabbit? Drown another dog? Strike me again to prove you are feared?
Changbin smiled at her, bitter and cruel as he said
Changbin : I do not need to prove fear, sieun. You carry it for me beautifully already.
Sieun glared up at changbin as he said with
Changbin : I need my fierce little sister back, the one who used to bite and scream when we took her toys away, the one who was willing to cut my throat for killing her little pets. I need you to use that anger and cruelty out onto that son of a bitch back in your chambers, sieun. Is that so hard?
Sieun : we are no longer children, you keep forgetting that when you run around the castle screaming and throwing tantrums, brother.
Changbin : children grow into what they are. You became lonely, and I became useful. Tantrums, you say? While I fight wars for our honor and bury my brother-in-arms you play queen in silk and keep a handsome prisoner warm in your chambers-
Sieun : you know nothing of what happens in my life, least of all in my chambers.
Changbin : I know enough, I know you look at him as if he were the first sunrise after winter. I saw it all those years ago at the feast and I see it now, don't mistake me for a fool.
Sieun felt her face burn as her eyes flickered over to look at the lords who seemed to be at a loss of words, some of them looking away with a scoff. Sieun wanted to punch changbin in the face, how dare he say this here?
Sieun : whose honor are you protecting now by accusing me of cozying up with our enemy, changbin? You need to mind your words.
Changbin : or what? You'll pout? Refuse supper? Listen carefully, little sister, that man is not a lover, not a husband. He is not salvation sent to soften your tragic little life. He is a weapon, that is what I captured him for. And if you cannot wield him, I will.
Sieun : he will never sign your surrender.
Changbin : then break his hand and guide it, break all his bones one by one, I don't care.
Sieun : you are mad-
Changbin : I am winning!
Sieun : by slaughtering boys and burning villages? By turning our father's spite into a kingdom policy? You talk about being useful and fighting a war bravely but who started that war, huh? Who is the reason our treasures are being depleted, our men killed and our women widowed!
Changbin paused at that, small murmurs rippling through the room at sieun's words. She seemed to hit the mark, voice out what everyone already thought but never said.
Changbin : be very careful what audience you choose for your little rebellions, little sister.
Sieun : and be careful confusing fear with loyalty, brother.
At that changbin grabbed her by the hair, sieun gasping as her head was yanked back quickly, sapphires clattering against her throat. The lords looked away entirely now, changbin leaning closer to her as he whispered harshly
Changbin : this is why no alliance kept you.
Changbin tightened his fist against her hair, pain watering sieun's eyes instantly as changbin muttered
Changbin : too proud to submit, too sharp to soothe, too barren of warmth to be loved. You really are worthless.
Sieun's hands rose to his wrist but she did not pull, not because she couldn’t, but because there were 20 men in the room and no one would stop him. The fire in her began to gutter, as it always did.
Changbin : make your pet write the letter, sieun or I will have him flayed until he signs in blood.
Sieun : h-he would spit in your face than do that.
Changbin : then I will knock his teeth our first, break his jaw, whatever it takes.
Changbin let go of sieun's hair harshly as she stumbled back, almost tripping over her gown as she looked to the floor in anger and shame. Changbin walked back to his seat and plopped down
Changbin : go now. Convince him gently if that pleases you, I know how sentimental you become over pets.
Sieun stood motionless for a second longer, staring at changbin and then at all the lords who sat in their chairs helpless and powerless. Cowards. And then sieun turned around and quickly left the room, slamming the doors shut behind her.
___________________________
San looked up as sieun entered, seeing her after three days now. He still revisited that last moment of theirs time and time again, the harsh words he had gifted her for her birthday. He didn't know if he regretted it, but he did feel something about it when she didn't return to see him for three days.
Sieun shut the door behind her with a blank face and crossed the room to where san was sitting with a book he was barely paying any attention to, taking a folded parchment and ink from beneath her arm and throwing them onto the table so sharply the quill rolled to the floor.
San's gaze moved from the parchment to her face as he muttered
San : charming entrance.
Sieun ignored him, nodding towards the chair
Sieun : sit.
San : you seem in delightful spirits.
Sieun : sit down, san.
San blinked once, surprised. She had not called him that before, something was wrong.
San : no, I will not.
Sieun inhaled slowly through her nose, and then leaned down to pick up the quill from the floor before putting it back on the table
Sieun : I am tired, do not make this worse than it must be.
San : then leave.
Sieun : write a surrender, sign it. State that your family should yield and end the war, and then I will go.
For a moment san only stared, and then he laughed. A real laugh, as if almost delighted by the insult.
San : ah.
San slowly rose to his feet, a wide smile on his face as he looked at sieun
San : so that is what this is, politics.
Sieun : spare me the theatrics and sign it.
San : I would sooner cut off my hand.
Sieun : theatrics.
San stepped closer to her as he said with a scoff
San : you think my father would believe a letter written under chains?
Sieun : with your seal and hand? He may have to.
San : then you know them less than I thought.
Sieun : this war is bleeding both kingdoms dry and you know it. If you write this, it will benefit the both of us.
San : then tell your butcher brother to kneel first.
Sieun stared at san for a second before moving to the sideboard, pouring wine she did not want into a goblet before drinking it in one go
Sieun : sign it.
San : no.
Sieun : sign it.
San : no.
Sieun : do not make me beg.
San let out a humorless laugh as he said
San : beg? You? You'd sooner force food down my throat and call it mercy.
Sieun : what do you know about mercy?
San : I know enough to know this isn't it.
San stepped to the table, picking up the parchment and skimming the lines of it before tearing it neatly in half. Sieun paused as she stared it, san dropping the pieces at her feet before saying
San : there is your answer.
And before san knew anything else sieun had crossed the space between them, striking her palm across his face hard enough to turn his head to the side. San slowly looked back at her, his cheek reddening as he smiled
San : there she is.
Sieun grunted and shoved him backward, san hitting the edge of the table with a grunt. Before he could right himself sieun grabbed his collar and forced him down into the chair as ink spilled across the wood
Sieun : sign it.
Sieun shoved a fresh sheet of parchment before him as she muttered
Sieun : sign it and maybe men will stop dying before winter.
San : men died when your family began this madness.
Sieun : men died when mine were mocked in your father's hall.
San : then all this blood is for wounded pride?
Sieun clenched her jaw and grabbed his wrist before forcing the quill onto his hand
Sieun : write.
San let the quill fall, black ink splattering across her gown at the splash. Sieun stared at it, san snickering as he muttered
San : that suits you.
Sieun let out a breath and caught his hair in one fist before yanking his head back as she seethed
Sieun : write it.
San : make me.
Sieun slammed his hand onto the table, seizing the quill again as she tried to force his fingers close around it. He fought her hard, chair scraping, chains rattling and breathing harsh against clenched teeth. The quill finally snapped between their hands, ink smearing across his knuckles, her wrists, the table and the floor. A few minutes later sieun shoved him back hard, her chest heaving as she snapped
Sieun : why must you make everything harder than it is?
San rose quickly, glaring at her angrily as he snapped back
San : because surrender from me would damn my people!
Sieun : it could save them!
San : no, it would save you. Your brother threatens, and you run to me. You want me to spare you from the monster you helped build.
Sieun : I built nothing! You know nothing about me choi san!
San : I know enough! Every bruise kingdoms wear was first placed by hands like yours, you are just as bad as your brother and nothing you ever do will convince anyone otherwise! Nothing!
Sieun : signing this, would end this. I could ensure that you return to your palace and we will never bother you again.
San : and what, stain my family name with dishonor? Accept defeat like cowards and strengthen you and your brother's position in this kingdom? Don't act as if I do not know what would happen after this, lady lee, I would rather die than return home like a defeated dog.
Sieun : if changbin comes himself, he will break bones until you sign this.
San : then let him come. I am the crown prince, a king after my father, I will not bend to a mere scum of a lord and his bitch of a sister.
Sieun stared at san for a few seconds before turning and walking back towards the door as she said
Sieun : I was trying to save you, but if you will not have it then I have nothing else to do.
______________________________
A day later :
San couldn't sleep, and so he walked around the huge chambers late at night, thinking through things. If as sieun said changbin would drag him to the dungeons and treat him like a proper prisoner until he signed that letter then he had to prepare himself for death, although he hoped that his family would finally attack before anything fatal happened to him. It had been more than a week, did they really need this much time?
As san wandered into the deeper areas of sieun's chambers he paused in front of the second door in the chambers that were also locked, a small gap between them letting san peek out into the hallways. He'd done that a few times, even though it led to nothing exciting or useful.
But tonight as he stepped closer he realized that he could see into the room that was opposite to these chambers from where he stood, since the doors to that room were now open and hence the insides of it visible to him too.
San's body went rigid as he realized he was now looking directly at sieun and changbin who were standing next to the table in the room, their voices audible to him too
Sieun : I told you, he will not sign.
Changbin : then you are failing.
Sieun : I am not failing, your plan is idiotic. You are a fool, changbin.
Changbin : you forget yourself, sieun.
Sieun : no, I remember myself too well. Which is why I know that I cannot make choi san betray his kingdom. There is no leverage I have over him.
Changbin : you made him eat from your hand, perform dog tricks-
Sieun : you truly are a fool if you think starving men become traitors out of gratitude, especially a crown prince. The humiliation I have forced him through has done nothing except increase his animosity towards us.
San watched as changbin walked around the table towards her, sieun standing her ground and staring up at him with sharp eyes
Changbin : you have grown soft.
Sieun : I've grown bored.
Changbin : no, attached.
Sieun : attached to what? Insolence? Blood on my carpets? The pleasure of being insulted daily? He is a difficult creature, he is of no particular enjoyment to me, brother.
San clenched his jaw at her words, changbin smiling as he leaned down to stare at her
Changbin : ah, you lie. All you do is lie, sister.
Sieun : mind yourself.
Changbin : no you mind yourself. You forget how useful daughters and sisters can still be when they fail at politics.
Sieun frowned at that, her body stilling. San knew immediately was changbin was referring to.
Changbin : lord kim rieun arrived this morning.
San saw the way sieun's face changed immediately and he knew she hated this man right then
Sieun : send him away.
Changbin : he asked after you.
Sieun : I said send him away.
Changbin chuckled softly, walking back towards the table as he grabbed his goblet of wine and had a sip casually
Changbin : do you remember him? Broad shoulders, scar through the lip, smells of horse and meat? I always did think he was an ugly brute.
Sieun : I remember the maid he beat to death, do you remember that?
Changbin : she stole from him.
Sieun : it was a piece of leftover bread from his plate after he'd eaten, because she was starving.
Changbin : details.
Sieun : rieun is filth, changbin.
Changbin : lord rieun commands six thousand men, he is useful.
Sieun : I would sooner die from the plague!
Changbin : you may yet do both.
San stared at changbin in disbelief, wondering how he could marry his sister off to a man like that. Is this how things worked around here?
Changbin : if you do not bring me that signed surrender by dawn three days hence, I will give you to him.
Sieun : you would not.
Changbin : wouldn't I?
Sieun : you know what he is! You cannot do that to your own sister!
Changbin : I know what you are. Expensive, unmarried, a maiden, politically stale. If you cannot be useful in one fashion, you will be useful in another.
Sieun : I will kill him in his sleep and slaughter his 6000 men with poison if you send me off with that animal.
Changbin chuckled as if humoring a child's tantrum, waving his hand at her as he plopped down onto a chair
Changbin : if your pet will not obey I will make him watch your wedding precession in chains, and then I will march with those men into his little palace and make him watch his parents being slaughtered into bits. You should tell him that.
Sieun stared at changbin for a few seconds before swiftly stepping out, slamming the doors shut behind her. San stepped back slowly, shock evident in his face. Is this what changbin was truly like? He had known changbin was cruel to others, sick in the head but san had thought he wouldn't be the same to his sister. San had thought they were both the devil incarnates, mad in the heads, but would do anything to protect each other and loved each other endlessly.
But now he wasn't so sure, this wasn't what a brother who loved his sister would do. Maybe he was wrong about them after all.
________________________________
San had expected sieun to be frantic by now, coming into his chambers at every interval and forcing him to do this and that until he agreed on signing the letter. And yet, it had been two days and sieun was nowhere to be found. San was growing nervous, within a day sieun would be married off to rieun and san would be taken to the dungeons and tortured. Why wasn't she coming? He needed to talk to her.
As san sat against the wall that afternoon with his head rested on it he heard the whispers of maids outside his chambers. It was common, hearing them talk to themselves as they delivered his food. Sometimes it provided san with entertainment, but what he heard today made him quickly sit up straight
Maid 1 : has her grace eaten yet?
Maid 2 : no, she sent the trays back untouched and she refuses to attend the meals at the dining hall with the rest of the family.
Maid 1 : has it not been two days? She is going to remain cooped up in her room refusing food for how long?
Maid 2 : keep your voice down.
Maid 1 : I am only saying that she cannot go on like this, she's faint already.
Maid 2 : did you actually see the mark on her scalp?
Maid 1 : one of her handmaidens told me that she saw it while she was brushing her grace's hair for the night.
Maid 2 : gods, that's horrible.
Maid 1 : they say his grace pulled her by the hair in the war room in front of everyone.
San felt himself grow still, his eyes widening slightly. What?
Maid 1 : they also say that lord rieun and his group is excited, they think they will finally have lady lee to themselves. Lord rieun has been preying on her for quite some time now anyway.
Maid 2 : I don't think she wants it, though. She was crying in the chapel earlier.
Maid 1 : no.
Maid 2 : I swear it, I went to replace the candles. She thought she was alone.
Maid 1 : I have never even heard her cry.
Maid : well if I had to marry lord rieun I would be doing worse than crying.
San quickly moved back as the doors to his chambers opened, the two maids stepping in and quickly placing his food trays down on the table before taking the old ones and stepping out. San let out a shaly breath and pressed his hands against his face, thinking why he hadn't seen this all this while.
Changbin was abusing sieun, in more ways than one. San remembered sieun when they were little, standing to the side smiling shyly. He couldn't imagine someone like that lasting long under someone like kim rieun. San suddenly felt the need to kill rieun, even if he didn't even know what he looked like.
_______________________________
And then it finally happened, dawn had barely just broken when they came for him. San awoke to the sound of metal, bolts thundering across the corridor followed by the scrape of them being thrown back and the barks of men too eager for violence so early in the morning.
San had just stood up shakily when the chamber doors flew open, ten guards entering in breastplates and leather, swords at their hips and a cruel glint in all their eyes. And then changbin entered, wearing black riding clothes and gloves. San stared at him with a scoff as he said
San : you might have sent word, I'd have prepared flowers.
Changbin smiled as he stepped closer to san
Changbin : save your wit for when we cut your toes one by one, prince.
Changbin motioned to the guards as two of them moved for him, san striking the first before the man even touched him. His fist cracked into the man's nose cartilage as blood sprayed at his clothes. The second man caught his shoulder then, san swiftly driving an elbow into his throat. And just then a third slammed into his back, followed by a fourth, and the weight piled on. Chains clattered as the men wrestled san towards the floor
Changbin : careful with the face, my sister is quite sentimental about it.
San spat blood onto the stone, panting heavily as he struggled against the men and snapped at changbin
San : I will kill you!
Changbin : queue forms quickly, prince choi.
San grunted as the men forced his arms behind him and shackled his wrist tight, iron biting hard against them. San twisted viciously, nearly throwing one man off. And then one of their gauntleted fist smashed into his ribs, pain flaring white. Changbin smirked and crouched down before san, taking hold of his jaw
Changbin : pride before breakfast hmm? You had three days, choi san. You chose the dungeons instead of ink, very poetic.
San : better chains below than your sister's bed above.
Changbin's smiled vanished as he backhanded san hard enough to split his lip, san coughing as his face tilted to the side
Changbin : drag him to where he belongs.
The guards hauled him upright as san planted his heels to the floor, forcing the three men to strain just to move him. And then a voice rung sharp through the corridor
Sieun : STOP!
San looked up as sieun rushed in barefoot, skirts gathered in both hands and her hair half pinned and half loose as if she had dressed in hurry. No jewels, no painted face, her face looked so bare, so much like the little girl san had once seen and admired.
But it was the first time he was seeing her so terrified. Sieun panted as she shoved past the two guards at the threshold and threw herself between san and the men dragging him as she shouted
Sieun : let him go!
Sieun pushed at their armored chests with bare hands, the guards hesitating more from shock rather than obedience as they all looked at changbin. Changbin rolled his eyes as he muttered
Changbin : sister.
Sieun : don't you dare sister me! You said three days!
Changbin : it has been three days.
Sieun : it is only dawn!
Changbin shrugged as he watched sieun stand in front of san as if her body could shield him
Changbin : all the same.
Sieun made a sound san had never heard from her before, half fury and half desperation. He had not expected to see her this way, he'd expected her to be happy seeing him be dragged away to his death. Was she doing this because she didn't want to get married to rieun? Perhaps.
Sieun : please.
The guards seemed to shift awkwardly at that, and it was evident that it was the first time sieun had ever pleaded. Sieun stepped towards changbin as she said
Sieun : leave him, leave him and I'll do it.
Changbin : mm, do what?
Sieun : I will marry kim rieun.
San's eyes widened at that, his gaze snapping towards sieun. Why would she put her life at risk for his if she had a choice? Why would she marry someone like rieun and submit herself to a life of misery for someone she hated so much?
Sieun : you wanted his 6000 men, and you will have them. You don't need san's signature anymore, you don't need the letter! Just leave him here, please.
And then changbin laughed at her, shaking his head as if she'd just said a joke
Changbin : gods, look at you. Did you hear, my men? My sister bargains with herself like livestock.
Sieun's face hardened as she raised her head high and said
Sieun : I mean it.
Changbin : oh I know you do, but I do not care. Don't worry sister, you will be marrying rieun either ways. I need those 6000 men and this son of a cunt here will never sign that paper. So I will marry you off, but that doesn't mean I have to let this dog live here like I owe him something, do I? He is our enemy after all.
Sieun's eyes widened in betrayal as changbin chuckled and stroked her hair softly
Changbin : that's the good thing about being in charge, little sister, you can have both, you can have it all. And so I will marry you off, sure I will, but I will also have this dog here killed. Drink his blood for dinner, avenge us.
Sieun : you liar, you BLOODY-
San : she is your sister! What are you doing!
Changbin : ah, the pet barks.
San grunted and struggled against the men as sieun shut her eyes tightly, stepping away from changbin as she felt her world fall around her. Changbin rolled his eyes and muttered
Changbin : tiresome, both of you.
Changbin moved to step around her to go to san, sieun shaking her head as she caught at his sleeve
Sieun : if you do this we will no longer be brother and sister, changbin. I will vow to kill you, the way I should have all those years ago when we were kids and you took my pets away from me.
Changbin : are you threatening me now, sieun?
Sieun : I am promising you.
Changbin clenched his jaw, feeling the anger rise in him at how insolently difficult his sister was being. And so he ripped his arm free and struck her across the side of her head with the metal back of his glove. San gasped as sieun crumpled sideways into the stone table edge, and then onto the floor. Blood appeared at her temple, bright and obscene against her hair.
San : YOU MONSTER!
San tore one arm half free off a guard's grip and lunged towards her just as three men hit him at once, dragging him backward as san fought like something rabid. He didn't care for all that she had done to him, she didn't deserve this. Not from her brother.
San : DON'T YOU DARE HURT HER!
Sieun pushed weakly onto one elbow, blood sliding down the side of her face as she tried to grab at changbin's sword that was sheathed on his waist. Changbin growled in anger at that and kicked her shoulder hard as sieun fell back to the floor with a thud. San threw himself forward again, chains cutting the skin at his wrists as he took two guards down with him.
He felt one punch him in the stomach, and another right at his kidney. But still he crawled towards sieun who was lying on the floor half dazed, her blood staining the carpet.
Changbin : look at that, tragic lovers.
Sieun whimpered weakly from where she was lying on the floor as she begged helplessly
Sieun : let him go! Please let him go, I will do anything please…please there is no need for this-
Changbin : silence, bitch. Guards, take him below. No food today, and start with the hands.
Sieun sobbed as she tried to get up again, watching with teary eyes as the guards began dragging san away. Sieun grabbed changbin's legs as she said desperately
Sieun : why are you doing this, what have I done to you to deserve this! I've done nothing to you, I've asked nothing of you! Just please, please leave him alone.
Changbin : I will be happy to have both you and him gone soon, sieun. No matter how much you beg, nothing you ever say will change my mind. Anybody who stands in my way is a thorn, sister or enemy.
Sieun watched as san was dragged out of the room, shutting her eyes tightly as she felt the pain in her head overtake her senses. She felt her vision slowly turn dark, her body weakening against the carpet as she let herself fade away into the void that was forming under her.
Pairing : Choi San (Ateez) and named character (Lee Sieun)
_____________________
Tw:|| mentions of force feeding
______________________
3 days later :
San wasn't eating, sieun supposed it was rebellion for the humiliation he had suffered a few days ago in front of all those lords. He was their crown prince and they'd just watched him kneel and play dog tricks. Sieun supposed it was fair, she even left him alone for three days and let him refuse the food again and again, hoping to give him time and space. Enough of that and he would probably get back to normal.
But that didn't work, and when it was evident that he would rather starve to death than break this little tantrum of his, sieun finally went that afternoon to his room.
San looked up slowly as the doors opened and sieun entered, this time in plain riding clothes with her hair tied up into a simple ponytail. She had gone hunting. And then the maids entered after her as usual, placing the trays of food onto the table before quickly leaving and shutting the door behind them.
Sieun sighed as she slowly took her gloves off, placing them on the table as she said plainly
Sieun : my mother used to tell me that only married ladies were allowed to sulk, but clearly she has been proven wrong.
San looked away, sieun holding her hands behind her as she walked towards him and said
Sieun : you look dreadful.
San : so kind of you to notice.
Sieun : you can barely stand without the world turning upside down, your throat is probably as dry as a desert and your stomach must be burning like hellfire and yet your tongue remains sharp.
San : so I've been told by the whores in my favorite brothel.
Sieun rolled her eyes and stopped right in front of him before looking down at him
Sieun : I went hunting today, managed to kill a boar. I had the cooks make a good dish out of it, you should try it.
San scoffed, keeping his gaze fixed on the floor. This woman was ridiculous, she wanted him to eat the food she'd hunted like some lover of hers?
Sieun : eat, pet.
San : no.
Sieun : I'm growing tired of this.
San : and I, grew tired of you the day we met.
Sieun raised her brows, pressing her lips together. She remembered the first time they'd seen each other when they were only teenagers at a feast held by san's family. She'd been overtaken by him then, and she had tried to talk to him, tried to be seen by him, she tried everything. But just like with everyone else she was just a wallflower to him, he was too bright and she was nothing. That pain still stung, and years later, she still couldn't stop loving him.
Of course, she couldn't let him know that. It was pathetic and disgraceful, especially after the humiliation her family had had to endure by san's family a few days after that feast. And so sieun shrugged and said sarcastically
Sieun : that was years ago. Impressive stamina.
Sieun watched as san pushed himself to standing too quickly, his hand coming up to steady himself on the chair. He was weak, sieun wasn't going to leave until she'd fed him.
San : you drag me through halls like a dog, you make me perform tricks for them, threaten to dishonor me in front of them, and now you think sending me warm food every day makes you merciful?
Sieun : I think sending you food keeps you alive-
San : I WOULD RATHER DIE!
Sieun paused for a few seconds as san yelled at her face, humming softly before saying
Sieun : yes, you've said so often. It loses drama with repetition.
San could barely believe the audacity of this woman, he wanted to strangle her. He wanted to hurt her.
San : you think this makes you powerful, huh? A woman so starved of worth she must collar defeated, broken men to feel tall and wanted.
Something flickered in sieun's eyes at that, gone just as quick as she walked towards the table and poured water into a cup before mumbling
Sieun : how poetic hunger makes you, pet.
San : you wanted me for years, didn't you?
Sieun's hand stilled on the pitcher, san stepping closer to her as he smiled bitterly
San : I remember it, always in corners, always watching. Silent little thing that no one noticed.
Sieun clenched her jaw as san scoffed and continued angrily
San : let's speak plainly for once, yes? No masks, no titles, no pretending. You could not be chosen, so you took. You could not be loved, so you chained. You could not be desired, so you brought yourself a captive audience. A pet.
Sieun did not say anything, just slowly setting the cup down as san scoffed
San : everyone knows of it, of you and your pathetic little life. A 27 year old unmarried princess, five failed marriage alliances, no lovers, no friends, a lonely little girl living high in her golden cage.
So it was true then, sieun thought, everyone knew about her. Sieun let out a measured breath and schooled her face to look unbothered as she turned around to face him
Sieun : finished?
San stepped even closer to her, his breath now fanning her lips as he whispered cruelly
San : does it shame you? To know that the only man to ever enter your chambers would rather starve than touch what you offer?
Sieun finally had enough, she grabbed him by his collar and slammed back into the wall hard enough to jar his teeth, the chains rattling as sieun whispered
Sieun : you mistake restraint for softness, pet. I have no care for what people think of me, I have no care for what you think of me. For all I care you could die and I would just find another pet like you.
San : you could never find anyone, no one could ever want you, lee sieun.
Sieun stared at san for a few seconds before grabbing his arm and dragging him to a chair before shoving him down onto it. Before he could try to move she pinned his shoulders down with shocking ease as she said
Sieun : you are finished starving yourself.
San : I'll bite through my tongue first.
Sieun : then I would just have to hold your jaw open, won't I?
With that sieun grabbed the chains and fastened it around the chair, preventing san from moving or going anywhere as she grabbed the bowl of rice and broth. She mixed it quickly before sitting across his lap to anchor him, and when he surged upward she caught at his face with one hand
Sieun : open your mouth.
San clenched his jaw tighter, his angry eyes glaring into hers. Sieun sighed and pressed her fingers onto the old fading bruise that she knew would still hurt. She kept pressing until san's mouth parted involuntarily, sieun forcing the spoon in. San jerked, coughing as he tried to spit it back. But sieun quickly pressed her hand against his mouth, not letting him spit it out as she said
Sieun : swallow.
San tried to hold back, but soon enough his throat worked, the first mouthful going down as he made a broken sound of fury. But sieun didn't seem bothered by it, feeding him spoonful after spoonful as she forced him to swallow it all down. It was worse than the first time she'd fed him, because this time he were doing it as retaliation for the humiliation he'd had to suffer and she wouldn't even let him have that.
San twisted against her, desperately trying to get her off his lap but hunger had hollowed him too much. Each struggle cost more than it gained and sieun fed him steadily and mercilessly, pausing only to force water between his clenched teeth. San panted as he rasped out a few minutes later
San : stop. Bloody hell, just stop and get off my lap you monster!
Sieun : no.
San : GET OFF OF ME! GET OFF ME YOU BITCH!
Sieun clenched her jaw, refusing to move as san yelled hoarsely again
San : YOU DISGUST ME! I WANT YOU DEAD! I WANT YOU GONE YOU'RE PATHETIC!
Sieun : I know all that, just shut up and eat.
San felt tears burn his eyes, not from surrender but from rage so violent it had nowhere left to go. He turned his face away to hide them but sieun caught at his chin and fed him another spoonful while his tears spilled hot and humiliating down his cheeks. And for the first time since he had been captured, san cried. Soundlessly, his face burning and his shoulders shaking with the effort to not sob.
Sieun paused a bit as she saw his tears, her hands lowering. She had seen him bleeding, chained, choking, defiant, but these tears, it was worse. Sieun swallowed softly and wiped one tear from his cheek with her thumb softly, staring at him for a few seconds before clearing her throat as she got off his lap.
She couldn't do this, she'd fed him enough to not die, she couldn't do more. As sieun kept the bowl away and began unchaining him from the chair san folded forward, his face in his hands as he breathed raggedly.
Sieun : I didn’t feed you the boar I had hunted, I can be kind.
Sieun walked towards the door, her heart heavy in her chest as she said out to him
Sieun : next time if you mean to punish me, choose something that hurts only me, choi san.
San shut his eyes tightly as for the first time she called him by his name, sniffling against his hands as he looked up just in time to see sieun step out and slam the door shut behind her.
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Ever since then sieun had talked less and less with san, he was chained up in her chambers and she would visit once a day as if inspecting him to make sure he was alive and then leave. She barely talked with him, her visits grew less in number, and san felt like he might rot from being alone doing nothing.
Then four days later sieun appeared at around dinner time, wearing a crimson red evening gown with rubies decorating her neck, ears and hands. She attached the leash to his collar again as she said coldly
Sieun : you'll be accompanying me for dinner tonight.
San got up on his feet slowly as he muttered bitterly
San : so you can make me perform dog tricks again?
Sieun : why, are you planning to sulk like a little girl again?
San scoffed as sieun began walking to the dining hall with him, the way to it familiar to san now as he kept his gaze trained away from the smiling courtiers and servants. Soon enough the big doors opened, san stepping in after sieun into the dining hall. It looked different this time, more decorated, more crowded.
Gold candlelight spilled across the long table, musicians playing softly in the alcoves and servants gliding soundlessly with wine and meat and deserts. San's eyes gazed across the many men and women sitting by the tables, chattering and laughing. But as soon as they saw san, their gazes turned almost cruel.
Of course, after the humiliation the Lee family and their supporters had faced from his years ago, he supposed the hate was a given.
Sieun walked gracefully to her place beside changbin, sitting down on her chair as san stood behind her, hoping he wouldn't have to kneel again.
Sieun : he will not kneel this time.
Changbin hummed and waved his hand dismissively at sieun
Changbin : it is your birthday after all, do what you will. But you are spoiling him, I will tell you that.
San paused, looking at sieun as she just began eating her food silently. So that was why it was decorated, it was her birthday.
Sieun : I am not spoiling him.
Changbin watched san from where he lounged across his chair with one boot hooked over the rung of the chair, a goblet in his hand as he said
Changbin : no collar marks tonight, clean hair, upright posture, soon he will forget where he belongs.
A few courtiers laughed, sieun cutting into her chicken with elegant precision as she said smoothly
Sieun : if you are jealous, brother, I am sure the kennel master can find you something to chain.
Laughter rose louder now, at changbin's expense this time. San saw the way his smile thinned, his grip on the goblet of wine tightening. He was angry, he believed sieun shouldn't speak that way with him. What kind of a family was this?
Changbin : you always did grow attached too quickly.
Sieun's knife paused at that, just for a second until she resumed again. Changbin smirked and took a sip of his wine before saying
Changbin : remember all the little gifts our father used to give you on your earlier birthdays? I especially remember the white hound, you cried for three days straight after it was put down.
Small chuckles ran across the room as sieun frowned, pressing her lips together. San kept his eyes on her, wondering what changbin was talking about. Did she really cry when her pet dog died, for that long?
Changbin : and that green bird that used to sit on your shoulder? I wrung it's neck myself, didn't I?
San paused, his eyes flickering over to changbin and then back at sieun. Did he really kill her pet bird for fun? Is this the kind of brother she had? Or did she enjoy his killing, revel in the helpless cries of her own pets.
Changbin : so many pets, and you never learn how to deal with them properly. But ah well, I suppose there is a charm in that too, isn't there? Love them, train them, dump them.
Sieun clenched her jaw, her eyes trained on her plate as changbin raised his goblet and said loudly
Changbin : to my lovely sister's newest creature! Let us see how long this one lasts.
The table roared, the men and women raising their goblets as well as they laughed. San didn't hear them, his gaze focused only on sieun who didn't raise her goblet and just continuing to eat silently with her head down. Was this how they celebrated her birthdays? By giving her pets she could break and kill?
And could a woman be this cruel, to have something and then just watch it die?
________________________________
Sieun said nothing as she walked along with san back to her chambers after dinner, the corridors now mostly empty and the torches low. Soon enough they entered and san had expected sieun to leave like she always does, but instead she shut the door behind her and began walking to her vanity table before beginning to take her jewelry off.
San had looked into that vanity table when he was alone, he'd looked into every corner of the room. He had found nothing interesting except jewels and silks and other lady-like things, it was almost as if she lived the most boring life in existence.
San : how many before me?
Sieun paused for a second before setting her earrings down on the table, looking at san through the mirror
Sieun : before you?
San met her eyes through the mirror, deciding that if she was going to stay here he might as well ask
San : the pets.
Sieun scoffed and took her necklace off before turning to face him as she slowly sat down on the chair next to the vanity table
Sieun : you thought he meant men.
San said nothing, and sieun smiled, bitter and exquisite as if he had just complimented her
Sieun : how flattering.
San : I asked a question.
Sieun : and I must answer it?
San : I might as well know what was done to the pets before me to prepare myself.
Sieun stared at san for a few seconds before inhaling deeply, looking down at her hands as she played with her rings. She shouldn't be telling this to him, but who cares, almost everyone knew about this. Her life was the joke people laughed at, maybe if she said this to san he would pity her and see her as human.
Sieun : when I was six, father gave me two rabbits. White things with pink eyes, I named them snow and salt. A year later he had them skinned for supper because I would not stop crying when he took me for hunting trips. When he would kill the animals I would beg him to stop and he didn't like it.
San's expression shifted despite himself, his eyes widening slightly. What the hell? But sieun kept speaking as if reciting normal household accounts
Sieun : at eight I had a spaniel, clever little beast followed me everywhere. Changbin drowned him in the fountain because I won a sparring match against him and father scolded him for being beaten by his little sister, a mere girl.
San : what are you-
Sieun : at ten, a mare. She broke her leg after someone left the stable gate open, at least that's what they told me. But she never was the careless kind. At twelve, three doves. Their wings clipped, then their necks. I grew too attached, they were too noisy.
Sieun's voice never changed, her face remaining cold and blank as if this wasn't just plain abuse.
Sieun : and at fourteen, the bird he mentioned. Green feathers, mean little thing. Bit everyone but me, I loved her most.
Sieun paused, as if she had said enough and san could figure out the rest. As if he could figure out anything about her. San swallowed softly and looked away as he muttered
San : and after?
Sieun : after? Well, I learned not to love what can be taken away. What is given can always be taken away.
San looked at the woman who had dragged him by the chains, choked him purple and fed him by force but for the first time he saw more than just the cruelty, he saw the source of it all.
San : you still took me.
Sieun : yes, I still took you. As changbin said, I rarely ever learn my lessons. Moreover, if not me, then him. He would have taken you, and it would not be so pretty.
San : what makes you think you are less cruel than him? Clearly you have been raised the same.
Sieun : oh we were not raised the same.
Sieun smiled as she looked up at san, the fire making her skin glow golden
Sieun : he never got his pets killed, he had them all.
San : what, you didn't kill them as revenge? Force him to have his pet frog for dinner?
Was this what san had understood from her stories? That because this was done to her she did the same?
Sieun : what do you take me for, hmm? A cruel little lady who's mad in the head?
San : I think they broke you, and you became them. You never learned from the cruelty, you learned to be exactly that instead.
Sieun chuckled as she leaned back on the chair, crossing one leg over the other
Sieun : how noble of you to diagnose me, chained in my chambers.
San : you chain people because they would never stand beside you freely.
Sieun : mm you keep saying that, you should be more careful with your words.
San : why? Will you choke me again? Drag me by the hair, sit on my lap and force food down my throat because no one has ever willingly come close enough to touch you? I know the pleasure you felt from sitting in my lap, it was as if you fantasized about it, about me, about us. I know your obsession with me, ever since you were little.
Now he thought she was a whore.
Sieun : you are being ridiculous. You mistake composure for weakness far too often.
San : and you mistake possession for love.
Sieun : love. You really think this is love? That I love you?
San : what else could explain such pathetic devotion?
Sieun : devotion? I keep a prisoner alive, for my fun, you flatter yourself endlessly, pet.
San : no. You keep me because if I leave, there is nothing in this room worth looking at.
Sieun : better empty rooms than an empty skull.
San : you know what I think?
Sieun : I try not to imagine it.
San : I think they were right to take every pet from you.
Sieun paused, her hands stilling as she slowly looked up at him. She regretted telling him now. The pain she felt every time one of her pets were killed, the days she cried and refused food, the fear she felt when she was given a new one, he had reduced all that pain to this.
San : you know why? Because anything foolish enough to love you was doomed the moment it did. Everyone knows this, that is why you have five failed marriage alliances.
Sieun stared at san for a long moment, san wondering whether this was it, had he crossed the line. Would she take that hairpin on her vanity table and stab him with it, finally end it all? Sieun then finally stood, exhaling deeply as she smoothened her skirts
Sieun : seven. It's seven failed marriage alliances, actually.
San scoffed in disbelief as sieun walked towards the door, her face smooth and untouched as always
Sieun : what did you think the moment you saw me, all those years ago at your palace?
Sieun turned around just as she reached the door, looking at san with almost weary eyes now
Sieun : when I tried to speak to you, when I stood there like a fool and kept finding reasons to remain near you? What did you think?
San stared at sieun, remembering it. A grand feast, music, nobles crowding the hall. A small girl in silk trying too hard to be graceful, hovering at the edge of his company and asking him pointless questions.
He should have given her the truth, it was her birthday after all, but she didn't deserve it.
San : I thought you were desperate. I thought you were one of those girls who mistake attention for affection. Hovering, smiling, hoping if you lingered long enough someone might finally choose you. I realize why now, you didn't get that from your home. Even your own parents and your own brother didn't want you so you tried your best to get it elsewhere.
San looked away, clenching his jaw as he muttered
San : I thought you were forgettable, just another face in the crowd.
Sieun lowered her gaze, swallowing softly as if wondering what to say before humming softly
Sieun : ah. You know, it is a strange thing…to spend years wondering how one looked in another person's memory, only to learn one was never there at all.
With that sieun opened the door and stepped out, shutting the door behind her as san could hear her footsteps slowly padding away from him. San let out a shaky breath and buried his face in his hands, wishing he'd just stayed silent.
It wasn't the truth, she wasn't forgettable, she wasn't just another face in the crowd. He remembered her, for years after it he did. He even hoped to see her again, but then he had been captured and she'd humiliated him and taken his dignity away. He didn't want to think of her the same way he once did, a little flower that he wanted to hold and protect.
She was his enemy now, and he would treat her as one.
Pairing : Choi San (Ateez) and named character (Lee Sieun)
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Synopsis : Choi San is the crown prince, he’s lived in gold and glory, bathed in everyone’s love and attention since the moment he was born. He’s had everything he wanted, everyone he’s ever wanted. The golden heir to the golden throne.
Lee Sieun is a noble lady belonging to a small plot of land under san’s kingdom ruled by her cruel elder brother, lee changbin. She’s the black sheep of her family, a little unwanted thing no one paid attention to. And so she grew up starved for love, touch, happiness. That later turns into possession, cruelty, anything to keep those she loved close to her. Even at the cost of their own comfort.
And the one thing she’s always loved was san, since the first time she saw him when they were only teenagers. She tried her best to get his attention, to have him talk to her, but to him she was just another face in the crowd. And then a rift came between the Lee’s and the Choi’s, pitting both families against each other. Sieun never saw san again, they naturally became each others’ enemy.
Until a battle is lost by the Choi’s, and changbin manages to capture the crown prince and gifts him as a pet, a slave, to his little sister. And sieun, the little teenage girl who wanted san to so much as notice her, is given the same man on a silver platter now. Or rather, in chains and leashes.
Except san hates her, her family has caused his countless losses and pain. He hates her even more now that she is his owner and treats him as one, stripping him off his honor and dignity. Will that hate be enough for sieun as long as she possesses him? And will san be able to hate her forever when he slowly begins to see different sides of hers?
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Tw:|| he is her slave and she treats him as one, hence one can imagine. Force feeding, choking, bruises, etc.
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The great doors to the throne room opened with a groan as Lee Sieun entered laughing softly at something her handmaiden had said, silk trailing behind her as she walked in. She had been summoned suddenly by her elder brother for some reason and no one ever said no to changbin, especially not when he'd just won a battle against their mortal enemies, the Chois.
Sieun paused on her tracks as the laughter slowly died in her throat, her eyes widening as she saw the sight in front of her. Choi san, the only son and heir to the choi family was now kneeling at the center of the throne hall, his wrists chained behind his back and iron shackles at his ankles. A collar of black steel circled his throat, attached to a chain held lazily in her brother's hand.
Sieun gasped softly as she stepped closer, realizing that san was beaten bloody, his face swollen and blood dried at his temple. His lower lip was split open and his clothes, once military blacks and silver hung torn and soaked with mud on his weakened frame. But his eyes…still so fiery, as fiery as his family colors of red and gold.
Sieun : what's this?
San's eyes lifted to hers, sharp as blades and whatever shock had frozen her schooled into indifference and slight amusement. The boy she had watched become a man from afar, the warrior who had never once noticed her standing in a room no matter what she did. She had always been too low for him, and here he was now, kneeling by her feet.
Changbin : my dear sister! Come receive your gift!
Sieun frowned as she stepped closer and looked at changbin, a wide cruel smile on his face
Sieun : gift?
Changbin : he was troublesome to capture, a fiery little thing. But I thought perhaps you'd enjoy taming him, I know you've always liked pretty things. What's one more to your collection, consider it a gift from your great brother!
Laughter rang through the hall, sieun's eyes going back to san as she saw the way he clenched his swelling jaw, the humiliation burning at him. Sieun slowly crouched to face him, san jerking away when she reached for him. Changbin snorted as sieun caught san's chin anyway, fingers cool against his burning skin as she tilted his face towards hers. San glared at her, his gaze sharp and hateful
Sieun : still proud.
San : touch me again and lose the hand.
Sieun smiled widely at that, looking up at changbin before standing up
Sieun : oh brother, you know me too well. I'll take him.
San went still, his eyes darkening in rage. Changbin laughed in triumph as he patted sieun's back
Changbin : I knew you'd love the gift.
Sieun gave him a small tight smile before turning to the guards
Sieun : bring him to my chambers.
Sieun turned back slightly towards san before saying in a quiet voice only he could hear
Sieun : I hope you survive long enough to despise me properly, pet.
______________________________
Sieun walked through the corridors in trailing silk, her posture straight and her expression indifferent. But inside she was troubled, her heart beating fast. She had always wanted san, she'd wanted to know how he would feel against her and how he'd look like up close. But not like this, never like this. He was her slave now, gifted to her by her brother like he was a spoil from war. His parents were probably seething in their castle, plotting to get him back. It was only going to be a matter of time, changbin had been reckless doing this.
Sieun watched as the servants bowed low at her passing, some of them staring and smirking as they saw san being dragged behind her on a leash like some dog. Sieun turned her head slightly to look at san and saw the way he still carried himself like a prince being escorted to execution rather than a prisoner being paraded to his captor's chambers. This was not what she wanted, she wanted him willingly. She didn't want him kidnapped and hurt and bruised and angry.
Well, too bad.
Sieun turned her head back as she said to san cooly
Sieun : careful, you're dripping on my floors.
San : if I had strength enough, I'd stain more than your floors.
The guards barked a laugh at that as sieun turned her head sharply and said
Sieun : did I permit noise?
The laugh died instantly, sieun giving them a look before reaching the door to her private chambers. The servants opened it for her as she stepped in, the room carved in polished stone, velvet screens, candlelight and embroidered rugs. A room fit for royalty.
San stopped dead at the threshold, the chain snapping taut. One of the guards yanked at it but san did not move, refusing to enter the chambers.
Sieun raised her eyebrow and turned around to face him as san stood there swaying on battered legs, glaring into the room as though it were something fouler than a dungeon. Sieun rolled her eyes and decided she would deal with this herself, and so she dismissed the guards with a flick of her fingers.
She saw them hesitating, as they always did with her. Everyone always saw her as the weakling, the spinster of the house whom everyone overlooked and no one wanted and trusted. The black sheep.
Sieun : leave us before I have your hands cut.
The guards looked at each other and then slowly stepped back, the leash to san's collar dropping to the floor with a thud. Sieun looked back at him coldly and muttered
Sieun : enter.
San : no.
Sieun stared at him for a second before walking closer to him, his eyes watching her with open loathing
Sieun : you'd rather a cell?
San : I'd rather death than your charity.
Sieun just smiled softly and stepped closer to san before seizing a fistful of his hair, making san hiss through his teeth as he tried to jerk his hair back
Sieun : move.
San planted his feet right where he stood, refusing to move an inch. For one mad second sieun almost admired him enough to laugh, and then she dragged him by his hair harshly, tugging him hard towards her chambers. San's body was weakened and starved, and so his resistance lasted only a moment before he stumbled forward across the threshold, half falling to one knee on the carpet. Humiliation blazed in his face as sieun released his hair, san remaining on the floor panting as he refused to look at her.
Sieun sighed and dusted her hands off of the dirt and blood she'd gotten into it as though he were something dirty her pristine hands should not touch
Sieun : you may sleep there.
Sieun nodded towards a carved bed draped in dark linen that probably worked as a cat's bed sometimes, he would rather die.
San : I would sooner sleep on stone.
Sieun : mm, then the floor will suit you.
Sieun rang a bell as servants entered carrying trays, rice steamed with saffron, roasted meat, broth, fruit and fresh water. San's throat moved involuntarily at the scent and he quickly looked away before his stomach could grumble. He hadn't eaten anything in days. The servants set everything down on a table before retreating and shutting the door behind them
Sieun : eat.
San said nothing, not moving an inch from the floor. Sieun sighed in irritation and repeated, this time firmer
Sieun : eat.
San : I'd rather starve to death.
Sieun rolled her eyes as she said
Sieun : don't be dramatic.
San : you chain me by the throat, drag me by the hair, and speak of dramatics?
Sieun : you need strength.
San : I need a blade.
Sieun : you're not getting one, pet.
San grimaced at that word, his stomach coiling in anger and hatred. His parents were right, the entire lee family were monsters and bastards. When the time came right he would kill them all and drink their blood for dinner. Sieun meanwhile grabbed a piece of bread and held it out to him
San : I would choke before taking bread from your hand.
Sieun : pet, open your mouth.
San kept his mouth shut, his eyes sharp and fiery. Sieun finally lost her patience and caught his jaw with one hand, making sure to press hard right onto the swelling purple bruise. San felt pain bloom in his jaw as he struggled instantly, but it was useless as he let out a yell in pain, sieun taking that moment to stuff the bread into his mouth. And then he spat the bread out right across her sleeve.
Sieun froze her eyes slowly travelling to the stain and then back at him. And without warning she struck him right across the cheek. The sound cracked loud through the chamber, san reeling in pain as his head tilted to the side. Sieun's palm burned as she said angrily
Sieun : again, and I'll have you tied upright and fed like a pig in the courtyard where everyone can watch.
San's nostrils flared at her words, his anger increasing tenfold as sieun grabbed another piece of bread and brought it to his mouth
Sieun : open.
Again, san refused. And sieun gripped his jaw tight once again, thumb pressing right where she knew it hurt. San's breath hitched, his breath coming out in short pants now as sieun leaned forward and said
Sieun : don't test me, pet. Or I will break every shred of pride left in you before dawn.
San stared back at sieun for a few seconds before he slowly opened his mouth, almost trembling in rage. Sieun nodded and fed him the bread, watching as san chewed and swallowed it down.
And soon enough she'd fed him piece after piece, san finishing the bread, half the rice, some meat and water before sieun felt satisfied and stood up contently
Sieun : there. Was obedience so difficult, pet?
San felt the starving hunger in his stomach slowly fade, soothed by the food she'd fed him but the rage and humiliation still remained. He'd never wanted to kill someone as much as he did at that moment.
San : one day, when fortune turns, I will remember this.
Sieun stared at san for a few seconds, eyeing him on the floor before scoffing and shaking her head as she walked to the door. It was as if she found him and his words as relevant as a piece of wood.
Sieun : if you vomit your food up, I'll feed you twice as much tomorrow.
Saying that sieun stepped out and slammed the door shut behind her. San could hear a chain being wound around it from outside, realizing that this is where he would spend the night. In her fucking chambers, if it wasn't already humiliating enough she'd let him rot where everything smelt like her and looked like her. He hated her with all his heart.
San fell back against the floor as tears finally filled his eyes, missing his parents and his friends and all the good kind people back in his homeland. He wished he could die.
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San barely realized it was morning when the sun began falling on his face as he lie on the floor by the windows, he had barely slept. He slept for an hour and then awoke again from nightmares, only to fall asleep again, and then wake up again. Every inch of him ached, his cheek still stung from where she had slapped him, his upper body from all the kicking he'd received from the men who captured him, and his stomach still turned with the memory of being fed like a child.
Not to mention the chains that still bound him like a dog, and the fact that he smelt like one too. And then he heard them, the footsteps, the women murmuring, and the locks on the doors being unlocked as it opened wide.
Sieun entered first, dressed even more immaculately today as if she'd wanted to spite him as much as possible. Pale blue silk, hair pinned high with pearl combs as if she were arriving for a party rather than a prisoner's humiliation. Behind her san watched as two guards and four maids walked in carrying linens, oils and steaming water.
Sieun : good! You're awake, I thought I would have to pour drain water onto your face to wake you up.
San didn't reply as he watched the maids go over to the bath connected to the room to fill in the tub. Was sieun going to take a bath? In front of him?
Sieun : you smell dreadful, stand.
The maids were finishing up with the bath, pouring in hot water with cedar and herbs. And as san looked up at sieun and then back at the copper bathing tub, he realized what was happening.
Sieun : I wasn't asking, stand up, pet.
San : no.
Sieun : stand.
San : I'd sooner rot. Though I imagine rot is familiar company to you, must be dreadful being so bloody alone that you're dying for the company of a captured prisoner than have breakfast with your family.
The maids looked horrified, quickly finishing up their business and scurrying over to stand next to the knights who were guarding the door. Sieun stared at san for a few seconds and he'd just thought he had gotten to her when she smiled softly and stepped towards him, slow and graceful and then crouched down where he sat chained
Sieun : you grow bold for a man who slept on my floor.
San : and you grow brave with guards at your back.
That seemed to do it, the smile vanished from sieun's face as she grabbed the collar around his throat and twisted the mechanism hard. The iron clinched tighter, san's breath coming out in a strangled gasp as he heard the maids cry out softly. But sieun didn't seem to care as she twisted it more, causing the iron to dig into the soft skin on his neck and choke him even further.
San lurched forward, both hands flying to the collar though bound wrists rendered it useless and comical. Air seemed to vanish from his lungs and his face darkened, veins rising in his neck as he fought for breath. It was useless.
Sieun : insult me again, before my household.
San still somehow managed to glare at her, his eyes blurry from tears now. And sieun tightened it once more as san's body convulsed, color rushing purple beneath his skin and a harsh broken sound clawed from his throat. The knights looked away unbothered, but one of the maids said in a small voice
??? : your grace he might die…
Sieun stared at san for a few seconds, and when his eyes fluttered and turned glassy sieun finally let go of the chain. San collapsed sideways onto the carpet, coughing so hard it wracked his entire frame. He dragged in air with ragged, ugly desperation, spit and tears forced from him by the violence of it.
No one moved, and san felt all their stares on him. He felt the humiliation, the pain, some crown prince he was. Sieun rose elegantly as if nothing had happened before saying in a smooth voice
Sieun : now, we may begin.
And before san could do anything sieun bent and grabbed a fistful of his hair before hauling him upward. And san, weak from choking just stumbled helplessly after her as she dragged him across the chamber floor and towards the bath. San felt humiliation burn through him as sieun shoved him down unceremoniously onto a stool beside the bath
??? : shall we undress him, your grace?
Sieun : no, I'll do it myself.
Sieun began removing her rings one by one to set them aside as san panted, his head lowered and his chest still heaving. As sieun looked down at san she saw the way he was eyeing the maids and the knights who were staring at him, knowing they were going to see him stripped naked. She saw the pain, the helplessness.
Sieun wanted to not care, she wanted to let him burn away with the pain of it all. But she clenched her jaw, putting her last ring aside before saying to the others coldly
Sieun : leave us, shut the door.
The maids quickly rushed out, as if thankful for it but the guards paused for a few seconds before nodding slowly and leaving the chambers as they shut the door behind them. Sieun saw the relief in san's face.
And then she knelt before him and began unfastening the torn remains of his tunic, expecting him to be pliant. But of course not, he jerked back, the chains rattling as he said hoarsely
San : don't touch me!
Sieun ignored him, not gracing him with a response as she continued to undress him. Fabric slowly slid from his battered shoulders, sieun's eyes now falling on the bruises that were bloomed black and yellow across his ribs. Cuts crossed his arms almost everywhere, covered in dried blood and dirt and his upper body looked ugly and battered. Sieun tried her best to not falter and seem unbothered
Sieun : you've been handled carelessly.
San scoffed, his eyes still averted and cold as he muttered
San : and now tenderly?
Sieun rolled her eyes and undid the chains from his wrist, loosening the one on his collar as san inhaled sharply feeling the pressure ease just a little. Sieun stared at it, the skin beneath the chains now visible, angry and bruised. Her fingers hovered there for a moment before slowly getting up and helping him into the bath.
San barely resisted, and sunk down onto the bathtub as the dirt and dried blood clouded it almost immediately. Sieun took a cloth and dipped it in the water before beginning to wash san with it. San just closed his eyes, not wanting to see the satisfaction on her face as she bathed him like a toy.
But if he'd opened his eyes he would've seen the softness in her eyes, the small frown between her eyebrows as she gently cleaned the blood from his temple and avoided the split in his lip so as to not hurt him. If san hadn't been filled with rage and hatred he would've felt the way she avoided the raw ring at his throat entirely, the gentle manner in which she lifted his arm in to rinse the cuts there and poured warm water over bruised shoulders with careful hands.
But san didn't feel any of that, didn't see any of that as he sat rigid as carved stone, his breath sharp and his muscles all tense. He would have taken the choking over this
San : which do you prefer more?
Sieun : mm?
San : the choking, or pretending kindness afterwards?
Sieun paused from wiping the mud off of his collarbone, staring at it for a few seconds before continuing again
Sieun : I enjoy when you stop talking.
San : you are vile.
Sieun smiled softly as she reached for his hair, tipping his head back to rinse the soap from it before mumbling
Sieun : maybe I am, or maybe you turned me into this.
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It had been four days since san had been given to sieun as a pet and he didn't know when he was going to get the chance to end this humiliation once and for all. He had been chained to this room, fed and bathed daily by sieun like a dog. He saw only her, heard only her, felt only her. It was almost as if she was trying to induce Stockholm syndrome in him. He hated her even more for it, and he tried his best to show it to her however he could.
By spitting out the food she would feed him, even if he'd get a slap across his cheek for it, or by refusing to look at her when she would ask for it even if she'd force it out of him anyway, he did whatever he could to spite her.
But still she came every morning, afternoon, evening and night, even though she never stayed longer than an hour and didn't sleep in the same room as him. Was this going to be his life now, san wondered.
The fourth morning when sieun came in she looked different, there were no maids behind her holding trays of food and her shoulders seemed tense. Before san could notice anything else sieun walked towards him and attached the leash back onto his collar before tugging at it
Sieun : stand, and follow me.
San grunted as sieun began walking out the room, san standing up and following her as he asked hoarsely
San : are you taking me to the execution block?
Sieun : would you prefer that over breakfast?
San : yes.
Sieun : too bad I prefer otherwise.
San huffed as sieun jerked the leash forward and walked faster through the hallways, san watching as the courtiers and guards around smiled and laughed amongst themselves at the sight of him being dragged around like a slave.
San walked with his back straight despite everything, every step fury harnessed into dignity and that only made the servants around whisper amongst themselves more while giggling. He would kill them all, san thought.
And soon enough they'd stopped at the doors to the great dining hall, sieun pausing as she turned to look at him and murmured coldly
Sieun : do not provoke them.
San : is concern your newest trick?
Sieun : it is advice.
San : you can shove that up your arse, lee sieun.
Sieun rolled her eyes with a huff and turned around before nodding to the guards as they opened the door for her. Her eyes immediately went to changbin who was sitting at the head of the table laughing with a few of his friends and other noble lords, goblets in all their hands and the tables in front of them lined with food and more food.
Changbin : ah, finally! My dear sister arrives with her pretty beast!
Sieun gave him a tight smile and walked towards the table, tugging san along as she took her seat beside changbin. He had forced her to bring san along for breakfast today morning, saying it was a boring day and he needed some entertainment. She didn't have the guts to refuse, no one ever did when it came to her mad brother. She had to play the part, just like everyone else did in this castle.
Changbin leaned back against his chair with a smirk, his eyes bright with malice as he said
Changbin : does he bite?
Sieun : only when starving.
Laughter rippled across the dining hall at that as changbin chuckled and said
Changbin : make him kneel then, good pets sit by their owner's feet after all.
San clenched his jaw, wanting nothing more than to grab changbin's sword and stab it into his eye if it weren't for his bound hands. Sieun looked up at san before saying
Sieun : you heard my brother, go on.
San stared at her, his eyes bright with rage. Sieun sighed and said again in a firmer tone
Sieun : kneel, pet. Don't waste my time.
San still did not move, and then he felt changbin kick the back of his knees, making san fall to his knees with a yelp as changbin laughed and patted his head
Changbin : you are too soft with him, sister. He is a beast, and this is how you tame beasts.
Sieun gave san a look before sighing as she began eating her breakfast. The lords too began feasting as conversation drifted lazily around about state matters. Sieun didn't pay much attention, knowing that even if she did she would have no say about any of it anyway.
Then almost 15 minutes later changbin plucked a grape and held it out to sieun
Changbin : have him catch with his mouth.
Sieun's fingers tightened around her fork as she slowly set it down and said lightly
Sieun : he is not trained for tricks.
Changbin : then train him. Unless you've grown soft?
There it was, sieun thought, that warning. It's what she feared, and why she refused to show any kindness to san in front of anyone or not listen to her brother's demands about san. Because if she did, he would take san. To the barracks, to the cells, to men who would enjoy breaking what remained of san. She had no power here, the only way she could ensure they didn't kill san was to make sure he stayed with her. And for that she would do whatever it takes.
And so sieun took the grape from him and said to san
Sieun : open your mouth.
San did not even blink, looking up at sieun
San : no.
A murmur spread down the table, changbin chuckling as he said
Changbin : such temper from the crown prince.
Sieun : pet, do as you are told.
Sieun tried her best to look at san in a way that might tell him there was no way out of this, but he did not seem to care as he spat out angrily
San : go to hell.
Changbin : you know, I like him. But he is getting a bit boresome, and I'm running out of patience.
Sieun : he will do as he is told. Eat, pet.
San : kill yourself.
Sieun clenched her jaw as she realized there was no way through this, letting out a measured breath as she grabbed the knife and took a hold of his hair. Gasps rang through the hall as sieun tugged his head back by his hair, bringing the knife to his strands
Sieun : then perhaps, you need a slave's crop until you learn obedience hmm?
San's face changed instantly at that, his heart thudding fast. Royal men wore their hair as pride, lineage, honor. To shear it was disgrace, punishment, ownership made visible. She was being cruel.
San's breathing sharpened, his eyes turning almost hurt for a second. Sieun hated herself so fiercely at that moment she could barely keep herself seated.
San : do it if you dare.
Sieun curled her fist tighter in his hair and let out a breath before letting the knife kiss the first strand. She was careful to cut just three strands, enough for san to see it. She prayed he would bend, she would not be able to cut any more.
His eyes shut for a second, pain visible in his face. Sieun wanted in that moment to let him go, and she was almost about to when san's eyes opened again, blank and cold as he slowly opened his mouth. The room erupted in laughter, changbin smirking in satisfaction as sieun finally tossed the grape and san let it fall into his mouth. He swallowed it down bitterly as changbin clapped his hands and said
Changbin : again!
Sieun wanted to throw up. But she grabbed another grape and threw it again, san catching it between his teeth before swallowing it down. Sieun did it again and again, each one another strip of skin peeled from his pride.
And then finally changbin waved a lazy hand, turning away from him
Changbin : enough, he learns too quickly.
Sieun let out a shaky breath and lowered her hand quickly, hiding it under the table to mask the tremble in them. She had lost her appetite now, all she wanted was to take san somewhere and release him. He would kill her, but wouldn't that be less painful than this?
Sieun paused as she suddenly felt san whisper from under her
San : when my army comes, I hope they kill you first. And I hope they hang you up so the crows can have you.
Sieun pressed her lips together, not answering him. She felt her heart crash, knowing she'd made the man she loved hate her enough to want her dead and not even give her a proper burial.
Then again, when had she ever gotten anything she wanted.
Pairing : Park Seonghwa (Ateez) and named character (Kim Serena)
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2 months later :
Seonghwa stood just outside the palace walls in the area that opened to the woods surrounding the east side of the building, his gaze fixated upon a patch of grass. The same spot where once, almost two decades ago, laid a dead wolf with serena's dagger embedded onto it's head. Seonghwa had known then what a fierce woman serena was, and he had secretly hoped that one day she would rule this kingdom even though she was the youngest of her siblings and probably stood no chance.
But here it was now, it had been two months and serena was ruling this land with an iron fist. Where her father had been soft with honor she was strong-willed, executing lee junseo, the man who had betrayed them in the forests, and taking his lands and title to give it over to tehan. It set a precedent, she said to the newly formed council who had advised her to show mercy. And seonghwa agreed, there were those in this world that deserved no mercy.
Seonghwa had been staying on and off with serena these past few months, having to leave to the Gards every now and then. He was still lord commander, and serena was a queen now. She hardly had any time to folly around the gardens with him.
Seonghwa looked up as he heard footsteps behind him, turning to see serena walking up to him with a soft smile. She looked different now, wearing a rich gown of royal colors and draped in a long dark red cape, the fabric trailing behind her like a shadow. Her hair was intricately braided now, adorned with gold and upon it, the crown.
No longer the girl in silk skirts and loose hair.
Seonghwa : your majesty.
Serena scoffed, stepping closer to seonghwa and stopping right in front of him as she said
Serena : don't. It's just me.
Seonghwa smiled faintly, shaking his head as his eyes travelled to the royal sword sheathed around her waist now. He missed her dagger.
Seonghwa : I don't think it will ever be 'just you' again.
Serena hummed, stepping closer to seonghwa with her head held high, her shoulders held back and straight. At least that had never changed.
Serena : does that bother you?
Seonghwa : no. It terrifies everyone else, but not me. Because I know you.
Serena smiled faintly, her gaze drifting to the ground beneath them and staring at it for a few seconds before muttering
Serena : do you remember?
Seonghwa : mhmm, the wolf.
Serena : I thought I was going to die that night.
Seonghwa : I thought I was going to die.
Serena : you did say you owed me your life, commander.
Seonghwa : I did, and I kept that promise.
Serena looked back at him, nodding slowly with a small smile
Serena : yes, you did.
Serena stared at seonghwa for a few more seconds before sighing softly
Serena : I hear you will be leaving today evening, for the Gards. When will you return?
Seonghwa swallowed shakily, lowering his head as he played with the hilt of his sword. It was time to tell her, it would be hard but it had to be done.
Seonghwa : I-I was meaning to talk to you about that.
Serena : seonghwa-
Seonghwa : I won't be coming back, not for a while anyway.
Serena's face fell, a small frown forming on her face as seonghwa shook his head and stepped closer to her before taking her hand in his
Seonghwa : I am their commander, serena, my place belongs with them. It's been two months and I have been evading their doubts and worries by saying that you are new to this and I wish to help you but it has been too long. I need to go back, I need to fulfill my duty. They are my men.
Serena : I don't want you to go.
Seonghwa : I know, I know darling and I don't want to go either but I have no choice. I am their commander and nothing else, if I cannot be there then they will throw me out and choose someone else. And then I will have nowhere to go.
Serena : you can always come here-
Seonghwa : serena I will not live under your roof like a common gardener-
Serena : how about as my king?
Seonghwa paused, staring at serena in disbelief before snorting as he shook his head
Seonghwa : you're already wearing the king's crown, rena.
Serena : seonghwa I'm being serious.
Seonghwa frowned as serena let out a breath and squeezed his hand gently in hers before whispering
Serena : marry me.
Seonghwa : serena…you don't mean that.
Serena : it would solve everything! You can stay with me forever, we can have children-
Seonghwa : children!
Serena : someone has to continue my line?
Seonghwa : and you want those kids to have me as their father? A bastard? The son of some whore-
Serena : don't talk about yourself like that! And you will be king, no one cares who your parents were if you're king. And it would solve your issues with the Gard too, once you're king you won't have to be commander anymore. You can ends things with your men on good terms and maybe appoint that right hand man of yours-
Seonghwa : sunghoon.
Serena : yes, him. Appoint him as the next commander and come live with me, forever.
Seonghwa stared at serena in utter disbelief, looking away with a shaky breath as he took his hands from hers and ran it through his hair
Serena : I don't want to do this alone, seonghwa, I don't want to rule alone. I want you with me. Not as my commander, not as my protector but as my equal. As my king.
Seonghwa : this is insanity. I…I never…do you think I am fit to be king?
Serena : no I'm doing that job, as is evident.
Serena pointed to her crown flatly
Serena : but you are better than me at many things. Like warfare, swordsmanship, protection. There needs to be somebody to take care of the people's needs and maintain diplomatic relations, yes. But there can be no people if our lands aren't protected, if our borders aren't taken care of. And you do that better than anyone else. You would be a fit king, seonghwa. A warrior.
Seonghwa : so what, I take care of the lands and you take care of it's people?
Serena nodded and shrugged
Serena : ruling is a partnership, my parents taught me that.
Seonghwa stared at serena as she stepped closer to him again, cradling his face with her gloved hands as she whispered gently
Serena : don't you want to be with me, seonghwa? Have that life we always dreamt of as kids? Fall asleep in each others' arms and wake up in the same way too? We could have a life together, a proper life. There would be no hiding, no one to question us, nothing. Just us.
Seonghwa : you make it very hard to refuse you.
Serena : good.
Seonghwa scoffed and leaned down to hug her, serena wrapping her arms around his neck as seonghwa nuzzled against her neck and mumbled
Seonghwa : you mean it then? You want me as your king? You think I'd be a good king?
Serena : seonghwa, the only reason this queen is alive, is because of you. If it weren't for you I would've jumped off that balcony or frozen to death outside the Gard long back ago. You are what makes me, you are what I am today. If not you then I don't know who else.
Seonghwa pulled back and stared at serena for a while as she could see the gears turning in his head, thinking about everything. Almost a minute later serena letting out a breath as she nudged her nose against his impatiently
Serena : you know I'm not used to taking no's, I might just chop your head off in anger if you say no to me now that I'm queen.
Seonghwa chuckled softly, the chuckles turning into laughter as he said
Seonghwa : yes.
Serena's eyes lightened up, a wide smile on her lips
Serena : yes? Like…yes yes?
Seonghwa chuckled and nodded as serena squealed and wrapped her arms around his neck, seonghwa laughing as he picked her up and twirled her around happily. He smiled and pulled back a few seconds later, brushing his lips against hers as he whispered
Seonghwa : I love you, my queen.
Serena : and I love you too, my king.
Serena smiled and pressed her lips against his, feeling like the happiest woman on earth. How could they stay away anyway? They were one, serena and seonghwa, they always had been.
Pairing : Park Seonghwa (Ateez) and named character (Kim Serena)
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Tw:|| mentions of gore, murder, violence etc.
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A/n : thank you to everyone who stuck with me and read this story, thank you for your love and patience. There will be an epilogue released within two days so please wait for that too, as this part doesn't tie up the loose ends between seonghwa and serena completely. I will tie that one up in an epilogue as I felt like that would be more suiting, and this part had already gotten quite long lol. So please bear with me, thank you again!
And as usual, feel free to send me asks or comments on stories that you would like to see done or anything else. Although of course, as usual I do have some story ideas lined up in my mind.
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Serena : why can't I come with you?
Seonghwa sighed as he continued packing the things he required to travel back to the Gards into his little bag, serena following him around with a small frown on her face.
Seonghwa : because it's safer for you here, darling.
Serena and seonghwa had been staying in tehan's castle after that meeting at the tavern, all of them deciding that it was safer for them there rather than at any inns. And this way serena would get to meet the men who were going to fight for her soon, give them assurances. She was going to be their queen after all, it was important she interacted with them.
But now seonghwa was leaving for the Gards to round up his men and bring them here, he would be away for three days. Serena didn't want him gone for three days.
Serena : well it is safer for you here too.
Seonghwa : unlike you, I have to go rena. I am their commander, they will listen only to me.
Serena : and I will be their queen, why can't I come along too?
Seonghwa sighed and put his bag down after having finished with it, turning around to cup serena's face as he said gently
Seonghwa : I know you worry for me, but I am strong.
Serena : I know you are strong-
Seonghwa : then you have to trust that I will go and return back with my men, and then we will fight this battle and you won't have to worry about my safety anymore yes?
Serena looked up at seonghwa, pressing her lips together as she held his hand that was against her cheek
Serena : I will miss you.
Seonghwa : I will only be gone three days.
Serena : three days is still too long, especially when I'm going to worry about your safety every second of the day.
Seonghwa smiled softly and leaned forward as he pressed his lips against hers, serena's hand coming up against his bicep as seonghwa pulled back a few seconds later
Seonghwa : I love you, and I will always come back to you. Always, I promise. You are my queen, my heart, and my soul. I will return to you no matter what.
Serena : are you trying to soothe me with these sickly sweet words, lord commander?
Seonghwa : why, is it working your grace?
Serena smiled softly and leaned up to press a final kiss against his lips before mumbling
Serena : yes.
Seonghwa chuckled quietly and tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear before pulling back
Seonghwa : I will come back, alright? You keep yourself in one piece until then.
Serena nodded, looking up at him with sad eyes. Seonghwa stared at her for a few seconds before scoffing and pulled her back into his arms, hugging her tightly.
Seonghwa : don't look so sad, you're breaking my heart.
Serena : good. You're breaking mine too.
Seonghwa : I promised you I'd be back, you will blink your eyes once and I will be right here again.
Serena : stop with the stupid reassurances, I'm scared seonghwa. I'm scared I…I'd lose you too. I couldn't handle that again.
Seonghwa sighed softly as he cradled the back of her head against his chest, whispering softly against her hair
Seonghwa : I know, I know you are. But I have to do this, for you I have to. I will come back as soon as I can, okay? Please, don't be like this. How can I go if you look so sad, sweetling?
Serena shut her eyes tightly, trying her best not to cry as she mumbled
Serena : okay. Okay fine, I trust you. I trust your sword.
Seonghwa looked down at her as she pulled back, serena smiling shakily as she patted his cheek gently
Serena : you promise to come back to me?
Seonghwa : you have my word, even if I have to crawl through all the hells in this world I will.
Serena smiled wider before leaning up to press a kiss against his cheek
Serena : alright then, lord commander.
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3 days later :
Serena walked through the castle halls to reach the war room as she smiled at the guards bowing at her, feeling more hopeful than ever before. Everything was going well, seonghwa would return today with his men and they would march onto the King's City tomorrow dawn along with the rest. The men all supported her cause and the 2000 of them on both sides were ready to march. All she needed now was for seonghwa to return safely with his men.
As she walked into the war room she paused, frowning at tehan, rumi and jihun who were looking worried and speaking amongst themselves in hushed voices. They paused as soon as serena entered, rumi's face going grave as he bowed
Rumi : your grace.
Serena : what's wrong?
Rumi swallowed and looked at tehan as if for guidance, tehan clearing his throat before mumbling
Tehan : it's not serious.
Serena felt her heart race in worry as she stepped closer, looking around at them with a frown
Serena : what's not serious? Is it seonghwa?
Jihun : the lord commander…is on his way with his men.
Serena : I know that! What is it then? What's happened?
None of them answered her, all of them just looking at each other worried and scared. Serena felt her patience run thin as she grunted and grabbed rumi by the collar harshly before yelling
Serena : WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY SEONGHWA!
Rumi : there was an ambush your grace!
Serena gasped in horror as her hands fell from rumi's collar, stumbling back as she shook her head vehemently
Serena : no. No no he promised-
Tehan : he will be fine, your grace. It is just an arm wound, they will reach here soon and once they do I have my healers ready for the commander. He will be alright, I assure you-
Serena : have you seen him?
Tehan : no, your grace-
Serena : THEN HOW CAN YOU ASSURE ME ANYTHING!
Jihun let out a breath and finally stepped forward, holding serena's arm as he said
Jihun : we got a message few minutes earlier telling us about what happened, it was written by the commander's right hand man. He will not lie, and he's said that apart from potential blood loss there is nothing to worry about. Once they're here, the healers will stitch the commander's wound well and by tomorrow he will feel alright.
Serena stared up at jihun as she inhaled deeply, looking away. They could say all this but it did nothing to quell the worry in her heart, she needed to see him for herself for that to calm down. Serena let out a shaky breath and nodded before swiftly walking out the room, telling herself to be patient and trust that he will be alright.
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Serena rushed to the main doors as soon as the horns blazed indicating seonghwa and his men had returned, holding up her skirts as she ran through the hallways. She paused as she saw seonghwa being escorted in with the help of two other men, quickly running towards them as she almost screeched
Serena : you bastard!
Seonghwa flinched and looked at serena with wide eyes, his face pale and weary
Seonghwa : I'm fine-
Serena : you promised!
Seonghwa : and I did come back to you, didn't I?
Serena let out a shaky breath as she stepped closer and grabbed his arm, running her eyes along him
Serena : let me see.
Seonghwa : you don't need to see it-
Serena : DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!
Seonghwa paused as the two men who were holding him looked away quickly, serena grabbing onto his wrist as she lifted his cloak away and winced as she saw the wound in his arm. An arrowhead lodged into his bicep
Serena : oh, god.
Seonghwa : it's not as bad as it looks, trust me.
Serena : I'll trust you when you can travel from one place to another without getting shot at like an immature squire.
Seonghwa frowned indignantly as serena stepped back and said to the two men sharply
Serena : take him to the healers.
The men nodded and continued walking towards the infirmary, seonghwa turning his head to look back at serena with a frown. Serena just stood there for a few seconds, collecting herself before walking to his chambers. She stood outside the rooms, her arms crossed as she waited for the healers to finish their job.
Half an hour later they stepped out, assuring serena that the wound was stitched and that seonghwa would be okay. Serena thanked them and rushed inside, her eyes falling on seonghwa who was now lying propped up against the headboard. He smiled softly as he saw her
Seonghwa : I missed you.
Serena : damn you.
Seonghwa : ouch.
Serena huffed and swiftly walked towards him, sitting on the bed beside him and wrapping her arms around his neck as she hugged him tightly
Serena : you had me worried.
Seonghwa : it's my specialty, I think.
Serena pulled back just enough to glare at him, her eyes still glassy as she frowned irritatedly
Serena : you think this is funny?
Seonghwa : mm a little bit.
Serena smacked seonghwa's shoulder lightly at that, careful to avoid the injured arm as seonghwa winced
Seonghwa : ow!
Serena : good.
Seonghwa whined quietly and rubbed his shoulder, leaning back further against the pillows with a soft grumble. Serena's hand went to his injured arm, her fingers hovering over the bandage wrapped around it hesitantly
Serena : does it hurt?
Seonghwa : not anymore.
Serena's hand rested lightly over the bandage, sighing as she whispered softly
Serena : you promised me, you said you would come back to me.
Seonghwa : and I did.
Serena : barely.
Seonghwa smiled faintly, tilting his head slightly to look at her
Seonghwa : but I'm here. Always, remember?
Serena's lips trembled a bit as she leaned forward, pressing her forehead against his as her hand slid up to cradle his jaw gently
Serena : don't do that to me again.
Seonghwa : I'll try.
Serena : no don't try. Just don't. I can't…lose you too.
Seonghwa sighed softly, shifting carefully despite the pain as he brought his uninjured hand up to hold her wrist gently
Seonghwa : you won't.
Serena : you don't know that.
Seonghwa : I do.
Serena : you don't-
Seonghwa : I do because I won't let it happen. I didn't crawl my way through hell just to leave you here alone.
Serena let out a shaky scoff, nuzzling her nose against his as she mumbled
Serena : you're an idiot.
Seonghwa : your idiot.
Serena : unfortunately.
Seonghwa smiled at that, humming softly as serena's eyes fluttered close. Seonghwa stared at her face, her under eyes dark and her face pale
Seonghwa : you haven't slept well, have you?
Serena sighed and pulled away, her eyes looking away from his. She'd tried, but she was just so worried. Seonghwa's eyes softened as he tugged her closer with his good arm
Seonghwa : come here darling.
Serena didn't resist, she let him pull her against him as his arm went around her shoulders, serena's head leaning down to rest against his chest as she shut her eyes. Seonghwa's fingers moved slowly through her hair, gentle and soothing as he whispered
Seonghwa : we march tomorrow.
Serena : I know.
Seonghwa : are you scared?
Serena paused for a second before nodding slowly against his chest. Seonghwa pressed a soothing kiss to the top of her head before mumbling
Seonghwa : good.
Serena : good?
Seonghwa : means you understand what's at stake.
Seonghwa's fingers slowed against her hair as he leaned down and whispered
Seonghwa : means you won't make reckless decisions.
Serena : I have never made a reckless decision in my life.
Seonghwa leaned back and raised his eyebrow, disbelief in his eyes
Seonghwa : oh? Jumping out of a third floor window?
Serena : calculated.
Seonghwa : standing on a balcony railing?
Serena : momentary lapse.
Seonghwa chuckled softly, serena smiling as she pressed her face against his chest. They stayed quiet for a few seconds, finding comfort in each others' arms until serena whispered
Serena : when I become queen…I will keep my promise.
Seonghwa : hmm?
Serena tilted her head up to look at seonghwa as she said firmly
Serena : I'll give you lands, a castle, title. A name.
Seonghwa stared down at her for a few seconds before exhaling deeply
Seonghwa : I don't want it.
Serena : what?
Seonghwa : I don't want a title.
Serena : seonghwa-
Seonghwa : I meant what I said before. I don't care about any of that, I just want you. Crown, or no crown. Alive.
Serena stared up at seonghwa, feeling her heart fill with love as she leaned forward and pressed a long kiss against his chin before whispering
Serena : then stay alive with me. Stay by my side even after I become queen, and after I'm too old to rule, and then even after I die. I want you with me through it all.
Seonghwa : you ask big things of me, princess.
Serena smiled softly as seonghwa leaned down and pressed a soft sweet kiss against her lips before murmuring
Seonghwa : get some rest, your grace.
Serena : only if you do too, lord commander.
Seonghwa smiled faintly and settled back down against the pillows as he pulled serena closer and tighter against his arms, serena settling contently against his chest as he mumbled tiredly
Seonghwa : I doubt I have much of a choice in that matter, my darling.
_______________________________
Seonghwa stood at the front line, his sword already drawn and his wounded arm wrapped tight but steady now. 2550 men stood behind him, jihun standing to his left adjusting his bow and tehan on his right, his axe drawn and ready too. Seonghwa looked up at the sky that was now streaked in red and gold as the horns blared across the King's City.
War had begun.
Seonghwa let out a breath and then looked back forward and at the men standing across the field from them, the king's army. Endless, waiting. Seonghwa nodded slowly, telling himself that he only had to buy time for serena, he trusted in her to get to the queen and prince before their army would be decimated. They would win, they had to.
Seonghwa : hold the line.
Tehan nodded at jihun, a silent acknowledgment before seonghwa raised his sword and shouted
Seonghwa : FOR THE RIGHTFUL QUEEN!
The men roared the same words behind seonghwa as they advanced forward, seonghwa galloping towards the king's army that was marching towards them too now. And soon swords met with a deafening clash, the smell of blood and gore following later as seonghwa moved like a storm through the men, precise and ruthless.
Every strike was deliberate, every step calculated as he cut through the king's men, his jaw clenched and his mind focused on one thing, serena and the family these men took from her.
Revenge was sweet.
________________________________
Serena and the 10 other men headed by rumi moved swiftly through the palace corridors, having gotten in after taking care of the Jeon guards positioned outside the palace. She had had 50 men with her then, and now 40 of them were standing outside around the palace to make sure no one goes in and out.
Serena's heartbeat was deafening in her ears, rumi walking right beside her with his dagger already drawn. He looked different now, more fierce, more warrior-like.
Serena : are you sure we've taken care of all the guards outside?
Rumi : there were only 70 of them, your grace. Most men have gone to fight the battle thinking that's the only place where we will attack. Rest assured all we have to do now is get to the queen and her prince.
Serena nodded, having turned the final corner. And then they'd reached the throne room, the long heavy doors being guarded by a group of six men. Serena turned to look at rumi, nodding slowly. This was where the queen and the prince was.
Serena exhaled evenly and then rushed towards the guards, her men following swiftly behind as they attacked the unaware guards together. Before any significant sounds could be made they had all been killed, rumi slicing through two men and serena stabbing her dagger into the heart of two men. As she kicked the final one dead onto the floor, rumi stared at her with amused eyes. Serena shrugged, wiping the blood off of her dagger
Serena : if I am to be queen, I better fight like one.
Rumi chuckled as serena panted and looked to the throne room doors looming in front of her. She remembered the last time she'd seen them, the day her parents had been killed and she'd had to run with her siblings weeping and broken. Everything she had lost, everything she was about to take back.
Serena nodded and stepped back, her hand tightening around the hilt of her dagger as she said to the guards
Serena : break it.
Two of the men forced the doors to the throne room open, wood splintering as the queen quickly stood up from where she was sitting on the throne in shock. The prince let out a yell as men rushed in, quickly drawing his royal sword, the sword he had taken from serena's brother after killing him in cold blood.
Serena stepped in with a blank face as the queen gasped at the sight of her, three of the men meanwhile tackling the prince to the floor. Rumi swiftly knocked the prince's sword from his trembling hands, forcing him onto his knees. Serena watched as the queen stepped forward with angry eyes, her hand going to the hilt of her dagger. But serena was already on her, using everything she had learned from her father to kick the dagger right from the queen's hand as she said
Serena : do not move.
The queen stared at serena in shock as she kicked her knees from behind, forcing the queen to kneel beside her squirming son as she seethed
Jiya : you…you traitor-
Serena : careful.
Serena smirked as she stepped closer and pressed her dagger against jiya's neck
Serena : you're in no position to speak, jiya.
The prince struggled hard against rumi's hold as he said angrily
Junseo : my father will have your head for this-
Serena : oh your father is currently occupied, probably bleeding on the field. But he'll be here soon, and we will talk like adults. Won't we, rumi?
Serena looked at rumi who smiled, watching the queen and her son with a satisfied look. Serena turned to one of the men and said firmly
Serena : secure them. Send word, tell the king we wish to discuss terms.
A faint cold smile touched serena's lips as she sheathed her bloodied dagger back, watching as the men restrained jiya and junseo at her command
Serena : tell him we are willing to offer peace.
_______________________________
Seonghwa grunted as he pushed his sword into yet another man's chest, kicking him right off and turning to battle the next as he panted. He was covered in dirt and blood now, the wound from yesterday bleeding into the bandages but he didn't stop. Couldn't stop, not when serena's cries kept ringing in his ears.
Seonghwa staggered back half a step as a blade grazed his side, blood seeping through his armor as a man managed to cut him
Jihun : commander!
Seonghwa : I'm fine.
He wasn't, even as he sliced the man's head clean from his body seonghwa wasn't fine. His men were falling, the king's army was overpowering them. Time was running out, he needed serena to finish her part right about this moment or he would be crushed along with his men.
Just as he was about to clash with another man a loud horn sounded, making everyone pause. Seonghwa let out a shaky breath in relief, a faint smile on his face as he looked towards jihun and tehan who looked relieved as well. Just in time.
Seonghwa watched as a messenger pushed through the chaos, shouting towards the king's line. As the messenger reached jinyoung's horse and conveyed the message, seonghwa saw the king's face change, that bringing the utmost satisfaction to him.
Betrayal of honor always stung.
Seonghwa smirked and walked slowly towards the king with his men behind him, the king's guards making way for him as seonghwa reached the king and smirked up at him
Jinyoung : this was your pathetic plan was it?
Seonghwa : oh no, your majesty. Just the plan of a humble wine-lover.
Jinyoung scoffed as seonghwa nodded towards the palace gates
Seonghwa : shall we then, great king?
________________________________
Serena looked up as the throne room doors opened, seonghwa stepping in first followed by the king who was flanked by guards and then tehan and jihun. Serena's eyes met with seonghwa's as she quickly scanned him with worried eyes, searching for any wounds. The dried blood on his armor, the tear at his side, the blood seeping into his bandage and the stiffness in his posture, he was injured. But then seonghwa subtly shook his head, as if telling her he was fine. She had to trust him.
Serena straightened as the rest of the guards entered and shut the door behind them, her eyes going to jinyoung who seemed to be staring at his wife and son kneeling on the floor tied up and surrounded by serena's men
Jinyoung : I'm surprised you didn't wear the crown already
Serena smiled as she saw jinyoung's eyes flickering briefly towards the queen's crown that was still resting on jiya's head
Serena : oh but it is not the queen's crown that I want.
Serena stepped forward slowly towards jinyoung, her head held high and her hand resting on the hilt of the royal sword that had earlier been in junseo's hands
Serena : it is the one you stole from my father's head.
Jinyoung scoffed and looked at the royal sword serena was holding onto, the sight of it bringing a scorn to his face. Junseo hadn't been happy about her taking his sword, but then again, it wasn't his. It belonged to her eldest brother, forged by his hand and his alone.
Jinyoung : I thought you were an honorable woman, kim serena.
Serena : I was, and then it was taken from me.
Jinyoung exhaled slowly, glancing briefly at his captured family before looking back at her
Jinyoung : is this how you intend to win then, lady kim? By betraying your family values, the honor that they have held onto for centuries? What will the people say?
Serena : it's been a long time since we last saw each other, jinyoung. And much has changed since then, I have no care for what people think of me anymore. No care for what honor demands, or what duty requires. I don't care about what my family stood for because they are all dead, jinyoung, killed because of you and your family.
Serena smiled softly as she looked up at the crown sitting on jinyoung's head
Serena : after all a crown taken in blood must be returned back in blood too, is that not right?
Jinyoung : so what, you are going to force me into giving you lands? Men? Titles?
Serena chuckled and shook her head
Serena : once I am king I can give myself that, can't I?
Jinyoung : you can never be a king, you are a woman.
Serena : I've heard that many times, and yet here I am.
Junseo struggled against his bindings with a grunt as he shouted
Junseo : so what are you going to do? Kill us? You said you were going to offer us peace!
Rumi : there is peace in death, as you will find my boy.
Jiya stared at serena with widened eyes as she smiled and looked back at jinyoung who seemed less surprised than the rest
Serena : you know, you are right your majesty. I am an honorable woman. I was raised on my family values, on their honor, on their mercy. I was taught that even in war, there are lines one does not cross. That even enemies, deserve dignity in death.
Jinyoung watched serena with careful eyes as she walked towards jiya and junseo, circling around them as if relishing in their fear and betrayal before continuing
Serena : my father believed that, my brothers and sisters lived by that. And my mother died believing that.
Serena unsheathed her sword, jinyoung's eyes widening as he quickly tried to grab his but seonghwa was quicker to hold his hands back, out winning him in strength. Jinyoung struggled nonetheless but seonghwa continued to hold onto him firmly as serena smiled and said
Serena : you did not grant them that dignity, you did not give them a warrior's death. You, did not give them honor.
Jiya gasped as serena pressed the edge of the royal sword against junseo's neck, jinyoung shaking his head as serena continued
Serena : you took your time, you made them suffer and I watched it all. The torture, the humiliation, the betrayal, the things you let your men do to my sisters.
Jinyoung : leave my son alone. I will do anything! Leave him alone-
Serena : but I am not you, I will not stain my family's name the way you did. I will honor them, which is why…
The sword shifted in her hand, pressing the edge harder against junseo's neck as blood trickled down, a sob leaving jiya's lips and junseo whimpering fearfully
Serena : I will grant you something you never granted mine, a quick death, a clean one. And the dignity of dying as royals. Consider it my last act of honor, you should be grateful.
Jiya : GRATEFUL? YOU ARE ABOUT TO KILL MY SON YOU WENCH-
Jiya cut herself off with a scream as serena slashed her clean sword through junseo's neck, blood spilling out as the prince fell to the floor face first, dead.
Serena : and now I have.
Jinyoung growled in anger, fighting harder against seonghwa's hold but seonghwa held onto him with a cold blank face
Jinyoung : LET THEM GO! LET MY WIFE GO! THIS IS MY FAULT! TAKE ME!
Serena chuckled bitterly and walked behind jiya as she said
Serena : oh don't think I do not know who devised my sister's rape and death. May the gods have the same mercy on your wife as I do.
With that serena dug her sword through jiya's heart from behind, jinyoung falling to his knees as his wife too fell to the floor with a loud thud, blood pooling around her. Finally serena walked towards the king, holding her sword to his neck
Serena : my family was known for honor, but honor isn't mercy. And you'll be having none of that from me. It's something I heard you say the day my parents were killed, destroy your enemies completely and utterly. Or they will grow, and grow, and grow. And then take your crown away.
With that serena cut off the king's head in one go, his crown clattering to the floor along with his head, covered in his blood. Serena didn't move, only watching as the man who had taken everything from her die. And she felt whole again, the images of her sisters giggling, her brothers laughing and her parents kissing, she had cried countless nights thinking of that. But now they had been avenged. In blood and glory, they had.
Serena stepped forward, sheathing the bloodied sword back as she knelt down by the crown, unhurried. She picked up the crown, staring at it against the sun as it dripped red. Everything it represented, everything it had cost. And then she slowly placed it on her own head, the weight heavy and comforting.
She stood up then, slowly rising as she turned to look at the 40 or so men around her. The ones who had fought, the ones who had bled, the ones who had chosen her. And slowly, one by one they dropped to their knees, heads bowing low for their new queen.
Rumi went down with a grin, tehan and jihun following until only seonghwa was left. He gave her a knowing smile before sinking to one knee as well, his hand resting on his knee but his head raised up to look at her as he said
Seonghwa : long live the queen.
The men around followed seonghwa as they all shouted in unison "LONG LIVE THE QUEEN!"
And as serena watched them, tears in her eyes and her family's memories in her heart as heavy as the bloodied crown on her head, the blood of her enemies staining the floor red, she knew that she had won the game of thrones.
Pairing : Park Seonghwa (Ateez) and named character (Kim Serena)
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Tw:|| Mentions of suicide, gore, r*pe, murder, assault, etc.
_____________________
5 years ago :
Serena walked through the small muddy roads as the midday sun beat down on her already sweaty body, each step taking her closer to the small hut in a remote village where she had been staying along with her sister sana for a week now after they'd had to flee their estate manor where seojun and sehun had gotten killed by some of their own men.
She remembered that night, seojun had told her that he'd finally managed to bring some lord to his side and they'd had a big grand dinner prepared to celebrate it. They'd had to run out of their royal palace after their parents had been killed and then later their grandfather's old castle after sara and soyeon had been murdered 3 years ago.
She remembered their lifeless faces lying in a pool of their own blood after having fallen off of the terrace. People had said they'd suicided out of grief, but serena and her siblings knew that someone had pushed them off of the terrace after luring them there. At least they'd died together as twins, just as they'd come into this world as one.
Their grand dinner hadn't gone well either, just as the four of them had sat down to eat, the doors had been banged open and men had rushed in with weapons of all kinds, men belonging to the lord seojun had said was on their side now. Sehun and seojun had stood up immediately, unsheathing their swords and yelling at their sisters to run to the hidden compartment behind the library walls. It led to a tunnel that would take them out the estate and into the nearby woods.
Sana had tried to stay, screaming that she could help but serena had dragged her out the room as they both ran towards the library. And as they did they could hear the horrible yells of their brothers as they were stabbed and beaten to death, serena had kept herself from breaking down as she ran along with a sobbing sana into the hidden compartment and later out the tunnel.
They'd had a narrow escape, and then they had purchased a horse with the rings they were wearing and ridden to this village far away from the mainland. And now they'd been staying here for a week.
Sana had refused to step out the hut, barely eating and sleeping from the grief of losing her brothers. The betrayal stung her deep, she wept day and night and grew paler and weaker as days passed. Serena wanted to cry too, she wanted to just wither away too, but she couldn't. She was her father's daughter, she was a princess, and she was going to stay strong and fight until the very end, both for her and sana.
Serena entered their hut a few minutes later holding a basket of bread and cloth she'd bought at the market after selling the last of sana's jewelry that she still had, all sweaty and hot. But as soon as she stepped in the basket dropped from her hands, serena stumbling back with a horrified scream as her eyes widened in shock.
Sana was lying on the bed with her legs chopped off, the sheets stained dark red from her blood and her clothes torn from waist below as if someone had…
Serena : SANA!
Serena rushed to her sister with a sob, falling to her knees beside the bed as she took sana's hand in hers to feel a pulse. It was faint, but it was there.
Sana : serena…
Serena gasped as she looked at sana's face, her eyes now open and watching her sister with a blank distant gaze
Sana : kill me.
Serena : no. No! No how did this happen? Who did this to you!
Serena sobbed as tears streamed down her face, her eyes running along sana's body. It was obvious what had happened, a bunch of men had broken in and raped her sister. And then they had chopped her legs off so she couldn't run for help and would die of blood loss slowly and painfully.
Sana : serena-
Serena : please no. No no I can call the healer, there must be a healer around.
Serena stood up quickly but paused as sana held onto her hand, her gaze emotionless as if she had accepted her death already
Sana : I am nothing but a living corpse now. They have defiled me, robbed me off of my dignity and taken my legs away, I cannot live anymore.
Serena cried harder, falling to her knees again as she pressed desperate kisses against her sister's knuckles
Serena : please, please don't leave me. I have no one else, you know we've lost everyone else. Please sana don't do this to me.
Sana : you have always been the strongest of us. Avenge us, rena. Do it for our family.
Serena didn't know why everyone kept saying that, that she was the strongest of them all. Her parents had said it, all her siblings had said it, but she didn't want to be strongest anymore. Not if it meant dying last and having to watch everyone she loved die in the most horrible ways. Serena pressed her forehead against sana's hand as she whimpered softly
Sana : use your dagger, put me out of my misery.
Serena lifted her head up as she looked at sana with blurry eyes, her lips quivering as sana whispered almost desperately
Sana : please, do this for me. Help me.
Serena sobbed, realizing that she had no choice. They had taken away what mattered most to sana, she had always been the most conservating among them. Always keeping her chastity intact and having wanted a husband and children of her own.
But looking at her face now serena could see the brutality she had faced, she didn't have the guts to look at the evidence of the same between sana's now exposed thighs. And so she grabbed her dagger shakily, bringing it to sana's heart as she raised it and sobbed out
Serena : I love you so much, sana. I love you and I will avenge you, with blood I will.
Serena shut her eyes tightly and plunged the dagger into her sister's chest with a heartbreaking scream. She never saw that village again.
___________________________________
Seonghwa felt horrible, he'd stood in front of the mirror with his hands braced against the edges of the sink as he stared at himself in the mirror and he'd regretted it all. Serena was at her lowest, she'd seen the death of her entire family and was still trying to fight through it. Just by reading their deaths seonghwa had felt nauseous, so how would it have felt watching it happen in front of your eyes? How could he say that to her?
Seonghwa had stood there for a solid five minutes before letting out a breath and opening the bathroom door to go and kneel by her feet in apology. But he froze on his tracks in pure shock as he saw serena standing on top of the railing in the balcony, his eyes widening in horror as he rushed towards her
Seonghwa : get down from there, now.
Serena flinched as she turned to look at him, seonghwa feeling thankful that at least the railing was broad. But that quickly disappeared as he saw how red and blotchy serena's face was, her lip bleeding from having been bitten into too hard and her body shaking like a leaf against the wind as she whispered hoarsely
Serena : I tried, seonghwa, I really did. I tried not to come to you, I tried to fix it all but I couldn't.
Seonghwa shook his head, fear and desperation gripping his heart as he stepped closer
Seonghwa : we can talk, okay? We can do anything you want, just please get down from there.
Serena : I saw them all die, it was so horrible seonghwa, it was just so dreadful. How could that ever stop bothering me? How…I will carry their dead faces in my heart for the rest of my life. I will hurt, for the rest of my life. How could you say that to me?
Seonghwa : I know, I know, I didn't mean it. Please, serena.
Serena : I am making your life harder, I shouldn't have come to you.
Seonghwa : I don't care about that, okay? Just please-
Serena : I don't have anything left, my family is gone, my home is gone, and now I'm ruining your life too-
Seonghwa : serena please! Please! If I was so worried about you ruining my life then I would've thrown you out the moment you came to me that night-
Seonghwa cut himself off as he inhaled shakily, trying to hold himself back from breaking down as he continued shakily
Seonghwa : I would have let you freeze to death out there! I wouldn't have taken you in, I wouldn't have come with you I…I would have left you to your misery. But I didn't do that.
Serena : because you feel responsible for me-
Seonghwa : BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!
Serena froze at that, her teary eyes widening slowly as seonghwa let out a shaky broken noise and stepped closer
Seonghwa : don't you see? I have always loved you. Even when I didn't deserve to, especially then.
Serena slowly shook her head, her face scrunching up as more tears fell down her eyes
Seonghwa : no I have, I have loved you for so long I have forgotten when it even began, where it ends. You think I came here because of some stupid promise I made to you next to a dead wolf?
Seonghwa shook his head as tears filled his eyes
Seonghwa : I would've followed you anywhere, to the ends of this Earth I would have. Even if it ruined me, even if it killed me. I came with you because it was you, I stayed because it was you. I will always, always-
Seonghwa cut himself off with a pained sob as he fell to his knees, holding his hand out for her desperately
Seonghwa : I am begging you, please. Please don't do this serena. If you fall I…I won't survive it.
Serena felt her heart drop as she watched seonghwa beg and cry on his knees, the man who'd never taken the knee ever in his life. He loved her? How could he love her?
Seonghwa : do you hear me? I will not survive losing you, serena. If you do this, it will be the end of me. Nothing else matters, nothing.
Serena watched as tears slipped past seonghwa's eyes, never having seen him cry before. Serena felt sobs leave her own lips, the wind feeling so cold against her body. She wanted to go to him so bad, to his warmth, to the safety only his arms could provide her.
Serena : I am so tired, hwa. I am so tired, I am so scared and lost and…I cannot even feel my heart anymore. I watched them all die and they took more and more pieces of my heart with them. I…I am afraid I have lost too much, I don't have anything left in me.
Seonghwa shook his head, sniffling as he whispered
Seonghwa : then I will put it back together with pieces of mine. Take mine, take my heart, my soul, my life, it's all yours. Take it but don't leave me. Stay, please that is all I ever ask, just stay.
Serena sobbed, her body trembling even more as she said
Serena : it is hopeless for me seonghwa! Don't you see it? There is no way out for me anymore, all the doors have shut and there is nothing, no one.
Seonghwa : you have me-
Serena : I am hurting you-
Seonghwa : so get off there and come to me darling! Please, please sweetheart.
Serena whimpered as she felt tears blur her vision, seonghwa crawling closer to her as he whispered desperately
Seonghwa : please, my sweet angel come back to me. Let me hold you, let me have you, please.
Serena couldn't hold it any longer, a sob tore out of her chest as her knees buckled, her balance slipping. Seonghwa lunged forward as his hand caught at her wrist, pulling her off the railing and into him as she collapsed against his chest, shaking violently.
Seonghwa : oh, darling…
Seonghwa cradled the back of her head against his chest as he pressed a kiss to serena's forehead, rocking them gently as tears escaped his own eyes freely. He could feel how worn out serena was, her body trembling from the cold winds.
Serena : seonghwa…
Seonghwa : shh shh, I know. I'm here, I'm here baby.
Serena wailed against seonghwa's chest, the sounds of her cries tearing his heart into two. He should have gone to her earlier, he should have left his post and been there with her when she was all alone for three years, trying not to die from the pain of losing her family. He should have been there with her through everything.
Seonghwa : I'm not going to leave you, love, I'm never going to leave you. I promise.
Seonghwa pressed another long kiss against her head as he pulled her into his lap, stroking serena's back soothingly as he wrapped his arms around her fully. He needed to keep her warm, he needed to keep her safe. He had almost pushed her to death, he was never going to let that happen again.
Seonghwa : I'm going to win that throne back for you, I will.
_______________________________________
Tehan : that lady is strong, I will give her that. It's been almost a decade of this and she's made through it all.
Rumi : well I call it luck, my lord. She is the last of her line, the Jeons like to go in order.
Tehan : yes and the second last one died 2 or 3 years ago, yes? If the princess has been able to survive this long with a bounty on her head and the death of her family on her hands, I can't imagine the other things she could be capable of if she had support.
Rumi : people tell me she's got the lord commander of the Gards by her side now.
Tehan chuckled as he leaned back against his throne, looking over at his advisor who sat next to him with a glass of wine
Rumi : I hear that he's planning to fight by her side against the Jeons.
Tehan : and you didn't think it was important to tell me this, advisor?
Rumi : I know how interested you are in killing the Jeons, my lord. I did not wish to spur you further on in this matter.
Tehan's smile disappeared, his expression growing grave as he said
Tehan : those bastards killed my sister, rumi. They tricked me into thinking that she would wed their son and form an alliance with me and then they killed her. Out of some mere gossip-
Rumi : they thought you had betrayed them, it was a vulnerable time for them. They apologized-
Tehan : THEIR APOLOGY WILL NOT BRING MY SISTER BACK! My little sister, killed for nothing. Are you siding with them, rumi?
Rumi : absolutely not, my lord. You know I want them out that throne as much as you do, that family is nothing but tyrants. But you are talking about fighting an impossible war. The royal army is huge, and powerful. We are only a few hundred men, and you a lord ruling a little bit of land in the far west.
Tehan nodded slowly, taking a sip of his own wine as he mumbled
Tehan : that is why I have held myself back for so long, but god has finally shown me a path.
Rumi : you are seriously thinking of siding with the princess and the commander?
Tehan : with the commander's forces and mine combined, I am sure we will be able to gather a good amount of men. And we have captured those tribal men recently too, have we not? We will use them as well, and lord bae.
Rumi : bae jihun?
Tehan : hmm, he has always been a formidable ally of mine. He will want the Jeons out of that throne too, he knows what will become of us soon if they remain in power. He cares for his people, and I have waited to avenge my sister.
Rumi sighed softly, tracing his hand along the edge of his wine glass. His lord sounded sure, and there was no force on this Earth that could stop him if he'd set his mind onto something. Maybe this could lead to something good.
Rumi : then…my lord I can tell you where they are, the princess and the commander. Some of my spies have told me that they have arrived at an inn not far from here, if it pleases you we may go to meet lord bae first thing tomorrow morning and then head together to that inn.
A satisfied smirk seemed to appear on tehan's face at that as he nodded slowly
Tehan : god does seem to have finally come to my side, rumi, the stars have all aligned.
Rumi : are you sure about this, my lord?
Tehan : I like to be on the winning side of things, rumi. And that princess, she will win. One way or the other she will I am sure of it, and I think I will gain much by being her ally.
___________________________________
Seonghwa was now lying on the bed with serena curled up against his chest, the blanket covering their tangled up limbs as he stroked her hair softly. It had been so long since seonghwa had laid with someone like this, so long since he'd held someone in his arms. He had picked up serena from the floor of the balcony after she'd exhausted herself from crying, carrying her into bed with him and allowing her to curl up against his chest. She hadn't said a word for 15 minutes.
Seonghwa leaned down to press a kiss against serena's head for the 100th time that night before the silence was cut off as serena whispered hoarsely
Serena : did you really mean it?
Seonghwa : I meant everything I said tonight, and more.
Serena : even the one where you said you loved me?
Seonghwa paused at that, sighing softly as he continued running his hand along her spine
Seonghwa : especially that.
Serena : why didn't you tell me earlier?
Seonghwa : when was I supposed to say it, serena? Before I went to the Gards I felt like I didn't deserve to, you were a princess and I was just a low-born nobody. You were a great deal too good for me, you still are. And then I was at the Gards for 10 years, I had no contact with you. But I never forgot you, all those nights I lay in the dire cold feeling pain everywhere in my body, I thought of you. And that kept me going. That made me commander.
Seonghwa nuzzled his face against her hair as he inhaled deeply and whispered
Seonghwa : then you…you came to me a month ago and I…I didn't know how to say it. You were alone all this while, while you struggled and hurt and grieved I sat in my safe palace, warm and comfortable. How could I say it to you after that? After I'd abandoned you? I was a coward, and you deserved better than that.
Serena : you're not a coward anymore?
Seonghwa smiled softly against her hair, tightening his arm around her as he whispered
Seonghwa : I still am, but I want to be a brave man for you. This…was my first step. Telling you I loved you, every moment we have is precious I don't want to waste it. I want you to know how much you are loved, and always will be. I wanted you to know that you hadn't lost everyone you loved, I was still here.
Serena slowly lifted her head up, looking up at seonghwa as he smiled sadly and leaned down to nuzzle his nose against hers. Serena sniffled softly before whispering
Serena : you…you said earlier that I was selfish-
Seonghwa : I was angry and said things I didn't mean. It was hurtful, it was horrible, and I'm sorry. I am so sorry sweetheart.
Serena : and I'm sorry I lied to you. I-I was desperate-
Seonghwa : shh shh, I don't care anymore okay? I don't deserve an apology for that, I lost the right to it when I said all those dreadful things earlier. I was cruel, and cruel men don't deserve apologies.
Serena : you're not a cruel man, you were angry and hurt and you had the right to be. I-I would be too if I were you. You are right, everything has come so easy for me I sometimes forget how hard it is to earn things by yourself. You have done that, as commander, you have. And I took it all away from you.
Seonghwa shook his head and leaned down to press a soft kiss against her forehead before whispering
Seonghwa : you can take everything from me and I would still have you, I would still want you. I am who I am because of you, serena that is the truth. And you've been through so much too, I shouldn't have snapped at you like that. I shouldn't have wished your death.
Seonghwa frowned as tears filled his eyes again, the image of serena standing on the railings haunting him still
Seonghwa : you are the kindest most noble person I have ever known, if anyone deserves to sit on that throne it is you. You have gone through so much and have still not broken, you are stronger and braver than any men I have known. I was a fool to say those things to you, a horrible nonsensical fool.
Serena : mm you have always been a brute.
Seonghwa smiled softly, remembering all those times she'd say that to him when they were younger and playing around with the other children.
Seonghwa : I am a brute. A brute that loves you.
Serena swallowed softly, looking back down as she nuzzled against his chest and mumbled
Serena : don't you want to know whether I love you?
Seonghwa : even if you do not I will still love you all the same, you know that.
Serena : but you don't want to know?
Seonghwa nuzzled against her hair and shut his eyes slowly before whispering cheekily
Seonghwa : if it's a no I don't want to know.
Serena smiled shakily and slowly looked up at seonghwa, the fire casting a warm glow on his face. She stared at him, remembering all those times when they were young when he'd protected her, and even now when he'd put his cloak around her and left everything he'd built to come with her the very next day she’d asked.
She remembered all those times she'd held her dead family in her arms one after another, wishing she had him by her side, wishing he would hold her and kiss her tears away.
Serena leaned up and pressed her lips against his, seonghwa's eyes widening in shock for a few seconds before it slowly fluttered close. He hummed and pulled serena closer to him, tilting his head as he kissed her deep and true. A few seconds later they pulled back, panting against each other's lips as seonghwa whispered hoarsely
Seonghwa : that was not a no then?
Serena : shut up. If I'm going to die I want to die knowing how your lips feel like.
Seonghwa : just my lips?
Serena scoffed as she whispered under her breath
Serena : pervert.
She leaned down and kissed seonghwa again, getting on top of him as she began unbuttoning his shirt. She didn't care about the rest of the world at that moment, let it all burn to hell. She needed him, she'd needed him for so long and now he was finally here. And so she was going to have him.
_____________________________
Seonghwa : serena! Rena wake up. Come on darling open your eyes?
Serena whined softly as she nuzzled against the pillows, the sunlight almost blinding her as the blankets kept her bare body warm and cozy. She didn't want to wake up. Then she felt seonghwa's hand on her cheek, stroking softly as he leaned down to press a soft kiss against her lips
Seonghwa : someone wants to meet us, I think there might finally be a way to win the throne back.
Serena's eyes shot open at that, her heart leaping as she slowly sat up with a grunt
Serena : what?
Seonghwa’s delighted eyes went to her bare breasts that were now fully visible as she sat up, serena’s face flushing as she quickly pulled the blankets back over her chest before grumbling under her breath
Serena : pervert.
Seonghwa : nothing I haven’t seen already, my sweet.
Seonghwa smirked and sat next to her on the bed, serena leaning against his arm with a grumble as he held a piece of parchment out to her
Seonghwa : when I woke up I'd seen this on the floor next to the door, I think someone slipped this through it.
Serena quickly took the paper from him and began reading it, her eyes slightly widening as seonghwa frowned and muttered
Seonghwa : do you know these lords? Bae jihun and lee tehan?
Serena : I know lord lee…his sister was killed by the Jeons some time ago. Something about suspected treason, I think. I do not know about bae jihun.
Seonghwa : so he does have a reason to be against the Jeons. But I can't trust them, rena, especially after what happened last night. They ask us to meet at the tavern downstairs but…
Serena sighed as she kept the parchment away, it had been even harder for her to trust people after all that she had gone through. But it wasn't like they had a choice, she had ran out of options and if they continued this way they'd both be killed anyhow.
Serena : I can't trust them yet either, we never approached them and yet they've found out that you're with me and we live here. They must have really good spies. But if they wanted to kill us, seonghwa, they could've just easily done that when we were asleep. They didn't, they gave us this message instead. We have to take this chance.
Seonghwa looked at serena, realizing that she had a point. It would have been easier to barge in when they were asleep and kill them off.
Seonghwa : are you sure about this?
Serena looked up at seonghwa, nodding slowly
Serena : our options are limited anyway, what if this is the chance?
Seonghwa stared at serena for a few seconds before nodding, pressing a kiss to her forehead as he stood up
Seonghwa : as you command then, my queen.
_______________________________
Tehan : you can ease up on that sword, lord commander. You know we come in peace.
Seonghwa sat as rigid as a stick on the tavern chair, his hand rested on the hilt of his sword as usual as he eyed the three men sitting in front of him with their few guards stationed at the door to prevent anyone from coming in. Serena seemed tense too, her hands folded on her lap but seonghwa knew she felt for her dagger sheathed under her skirts every now and then
Seonghwa : it's hard to trust anyone when we have a bounty on our heads, lord lee.
Jihun : yes I suppose it is, I do not blame you for that. I have heard great things about you, commander, I am something of a fan.
Seonghwa raised his eyebrows at jihun as serena smiled and said
Serena : so you wish to join us then?
Tehan : that we do.
Serena : and what do you want in return?
Tehan : I want jeon jinyoung's head on a pike in my throne room.
Seonghwa : ah you might have to stand in line behind me then.
Serena nudged seonghwa under the table and smiled assuredly at tehan
Jihun : I would like for my lands to be under royal protection and to sit on your council.
Rumi : and I want an endless supply of wine.
Seonghwa : and who are you?
Rumi : oh I am lord lee's advisor.
Serena pressed her lips together to stifle her smile as seonghwa cast her a look, tehan rolling his eyes at rumi's antics before whispering to him
Tehan : please do not embarrass me.
Rumi : my sincere apologies, my lord.
Tehan sighed and turned back to look at serena
Tehan : as you know the Jeons killed my beloved sister, I have wanted my revenge for years. Bae jihun has been my long time friend, he has bled for me in battle and I for him. He believes that the Jeons are tyrants, and he mourns for my sister too. We both want them dead and gone as much as you want to sit on that throne.
Serena nodded slowly, considering their words as she traced her finger along her dress
Serena : did you know my father then, my lords?
Jihun : he was an honorable man, believed in winning through battles rather than betrayal. It takes courage to be like that, he was a good man. If you have even an ounce of his blood in you, I know you will rule this kingdom justly.
Rumi : she is his daughter, surely she has more than a little ounce of the late king's blood in her-
Tehan : rumi!
Rumi lowered his head, mumbling a quick apology as seonghwa cast him an amused look. Serena looked at the two men in front of her, deciding to trust her gut on this. They sounded genuine, and she had no other options. Maybe this was it. And the price they asked for in return was quite small, she had no use for jinyoung's head and providing royal protection to jihun's lands were easy. As for the council, she barely had any competition there. Serena sighed and said
Serena : and how do you think we should go about this war, my lords?
The two lords exchanged a satisfied look amongst themselves as tehan said
Tehan : ah, there is a simple plan. We combine my men along with jihun's and the lord commander's. How many men do you command, lord commander?
Seonghwa : at least a thousand.
Tehan : then with all our forces combined we will have around 3000 men at hand. We will march onto the capital and battle with the king and his royal army. Of course, we might not win against him but this is where we do to them what they did to your family, lady princess, treachery.
Serena frowned in surprise as tehan smirked and said
Tehan : while we battle, you will enter the royal palace with rumi here and some of our men, our most loyal and trusted ones. You will hold captive the queen and the crown prince-
Serena : the crown prince will not be at battle with his father?
Jihun : oh he is quite the coward I have heard, your grace, he refuses to join any battles in fear of blood. One can hardly believe he is 22.
Seonghwa snorted as tehan smiled and continued
Tehan : but a father cannot help but love his son, and a husband his wife, they have that in common with the rest of us. And so you take them captive and we use them as leverage to force jinyoung to yield. We say we will come to a peace treaty if he offers us royal protection and lands to the princess, take the bounty off her head. We will lure them alone into the room.
Jihun : but when we finally get them in a room, we kill them. And we take their crown, put it back where it belongs with their blood on it. The correct way.
Seonghwa seemed impressed, nodding slowly. It was a foolproof plan, it was rule that whoever killed the king and any of his named successors would automatically acquire the crown.
Seonghwa : did your advisor come up with this plan?
Rumi smiled almost shyly, nodding proudly. Serena stared at rumi for a few seconds before saying
Serena : you will have your endless supply of wine, advisor, the best in this kingdom. I promise it.
Tehan and jihun smiled, seonghwa nodding slowly as he leaned back against his seat
Seonghwa : that’s settled then. When do we start?
Jihun : whenever our queen wants.
Serena smiled at that, hope finally finding place again in her heart as she said
Serena : 10 days from now. By dawn we shall attack and by dusk, the royal palace will flow red with the blood of tyrants.
Pairing : Park Seonghwa (Ateez) and named character (Kim Serena)
____________________
15 years before :
Seonghwa was sitting by the fire outside the castle walls at around midnight, not having been able to sleep. The royal children weren't allowed to go out after dinner, but he was an outcast, no one cared about what he did or where he went. And so he'd come out here, staring into the campfire as he played with the fresh bandage around his right hand.
He didn't know why he'd done it, but when in the morning he had seen sehun disrespect serena and the tears in serena's eyes due to it, he'd pushed sehun into the lake. And that had turned into a fight, causing sehun to attack seonghwa with his dagger, which seonghwa had then held by the blade causing the wound.
Seonghwa flinched as he heard the sounds of grass crunching behind him, quickly standing up and turning around as he saw serena walk towards him swiftly with her skirts held up and her long orange hair now loose and left open
Seonghwa : what are you doing here!
Serena stopped right in front of him, her head held high as she dropped the skirts and looked at him
Serena : I could ask you the same, we're not allowed to be here after dinner time.
Seonghwa : yes, the royal children are not.
Serena : you are a royal.
Seonghwa : I am not one of you, and your brother proved that to me today when he raised his blade against me.
Serena's eyes flickered to seonghwa's wounded hand as she said
Serena : he has apologized.
Seonghwa : he has, because your father forced him to. He doesn't mean it.
Serena : so? So you put yourself in danger of being eaten by wolves by coming here at such dangerous times? There's no one around, seonghwa!
Seonghwa : I have my sword.
Serena scoffed and rolled her eyes
Serena : and I have my dagger, should I just run into the woods?
Seonghwa let out a breath and turned back to face the fire before saying
Seonghwa : how did you get past the guards outside your door?
Serena : I didn't. I jumped the window.
Seonghwa's eyes widened as he whirled around to face her in anger
Seonghwa : from the third floor?
Serena : I climbed down, it's quite simple.
Seonghwa : don't you understand how dangerous that is, serena! You could die! If you fell-
Serena : I never fall-
Seonghwa : YOU COULD DIE YOU IDIOT!
Serena paused as seonghwa yelled at her, pressing her lips together. She was about to say something back until a wolf's howl caused her to freeze. Seonghwa's eyes widened, his anger melting away in a second as he quickly took serena's hand
Seonghwa : we have to go-
Seonghwa cut himself off with a gasp as a wolf suddenly jumped from the nearby bushes, growling as it slowly approached them. Serena let out a yelp, her eyes filling with tears as seonghwa quickly positioned himself in front of her, unsheathing his sword and holding it out
Serena : seonghwa, seonghwa no you're hurt. You're hurt you can't-
Seonghwa : hush.
Tears fell down serena's eyes as she watched the wolf slowly approach them, drool leaking from it's mouth and it's red eyes trained on them. Seonghwa gripped his sword harder, shielding her with his body even as he could feel the blood from his wound seeping into the bandage
Seonghwa : stay behind me.
Serena : seonghwa-
Serena cut herself off with a scream as the wolf jumped on them, seonghwa slashing out with his sword as he pushed her away, causing serena to tumble to the floor with a grunt. She quickly sat up and watched seonghwa wrestle with the wolf who was trying to bite his neck, the only thing stopping it being his sword that he was holding the wolf back with
Seonghwa : SERENA GO! RUN BACK INSIDE, GO!
Serena watched them with teary eyes, not understanding how seonghwa could even think she would abandon him to his death by running away like a coward. She quickly grabbed her dagger and ran to the wolf, the wolf growling as it turned to face her
Seonghwa : NO!
Serena yelled and plunged her dagger into the wolf's head, causing it to howl in pain before falling away from seonghwa. She stood over the wolf and pulled the dagger back before plunging it into its heart, watching as it stopped moving now.
She stared at it for a few seconds before looking down at her bloodied hands in horror, falling to the floor with a shaky sob. Seonghwa gasped and quickly got up before pulling serena into his arms, her body shaking with sobs as she choked out
Serena : oh god…oh god I k-killed it-
Seonghwa : shh shh, it's okay shh. We're okay.
Seonghwa held her close to him and rocked them gently as he could now hear the sounds of guards rushing towards them, leaning down to press a kiss against her sweaty head as he felt his wounded hand leak even more blood
Seonghwa : you saved my life. I will give that back to you someday, serena, I promise it. I owe you my life.
_______________________________
Serena : but I want the white horse.
Seonghwa : the black one seems better to me.
Serena : but princesses always ride in white!
Seonghwa : and where exactly is this princess?
Serena elbowed seonghwa as he scoffed and looked to the horse seller who was standing a bit away from them, eyeing them weirdly
Seonghwa : we will take the white one!
The horse seller walked towards them as serena turned her head away so he wouldn't see her beneath the fur cap
??? : good lord, I am telling you one last time that the black one is better. Much stronger and enduring, the white one was the runt of the litter and has grown up to prove me right too.
Serena snorted as she leaned forward and said to seonghwa quietly
Serena : even better, I have always had a thing for the runts haven't I?
Seonghwa gave her a look before turning to the old man again
Seonghwa : the lady wants the white mane, and who am I to deny a fair maiden, yes?
The old man chuckled and nodded as he walked towards the white mane
??? : as the ladyship wishes then, my lord.
And soon enough seonghwa and serena were riding into the Plains, the wind turning less cold as serena sighed contently
Serena : oh how I missed the heat.
Seonghwa : you were in the snow for barely two days.
Serena rolled her eyes and galloped faster through the meadows as seonghwa said loudly
Seonghwa : who do we go to first?
Serena : lee junseo, his father was my grandfather's right hand man. I am sure he will want to see a Kim on the throne again.
Seonghwa : okay, and are you sure this man will be there? In his castle?
Serena : who?
Seonghwa : your grandfather's right hand man?
Serena : oh he is long dead, I only hope to see his son, junseo.
Seonghwa : what?
Serena : my options are short, seonghwa, the jeons killed everyone who was directly close to us. So I can only hope that old ties remain firm and old vows fulfilled.
_______________________________
Junseo : you do not realize the risk you are putting me under coming here like this, princess kim.
Serena : I realize that, my lord. But I have no other choice, I have to be discreet, and fast.
Junseo : is that why you've brought the bastard along?
Seonghwa clenched his jaw as he stood next to serena in junseo's throne room, his hand resting on the hilt of his sword as junseo looked down at them from his throne
Serena : he wishes to help me too, he is the lord commander of the Gards now. And he commands hundreds of men, who will fight alongside us if you will be so kind as to join the cause too.
Junseo : you have come here asking me to commit treason?
Seonghwa : only if we lose will it be treason.
Junseo snorted as he looked at seonghwa, leaning back against his throne
Junseo : I do not know if the cold froze your brain over, commander, but even a thousand of my men alongside yours will not be able to defeat the king's army. We will fail, and my family will be disgraced and you will be beheaded.
Seonghwa : ah yes, my childhood dream, to be beheaded for treason.
Serena sighed, shifting on her feet as she said
Serena : I did not wish to bring this up, my lord but…you owe my family this. My grandfather gave this land and castle to your father to rule over, this throne that you have here is because of him. He made a blood oath that day-
Junseo : except his blood has been bled dry and gone, he is all but ashes to me and so are his vows.
Serena paused as junseo laughed and shook his head
Junseo : you really are naïve, princess. This throne I have is because my father worked hard for it, he put his life on the line to protect your grandfather's. It wasn't for free, so you will speak to me with respect.
Serena : my-my apologies my lord-
Seonghwa : no don't apologize, I think our little lord here has forgotten his place.
Serena's eyes widened, looking at seonghwa in shock as he stepped forward and said
Seonghwa : might I remind you that you are speaking to a princess, lord lee? You are a mere lord, you are under the royal crown, not the other way around.
Junseo : well she certainly is no one's princess anymore, commander. It is because of my kind heart and my respect to her grandfather that I have not called the king's guards on the both of you and handed you over. And yet you stand here now questioning my position?
Serena : no my lord, he is sorry-
Seonghwa : I certainly am not sorry.
Junseo's gaze hardened at seonghwa's glare, serena feeling anger and desperation well up within her as she held seonghwa's arm and tugged him back before whispering angrily
Serena : shut up!
Seonghwa frowned as serena looked back up at junseo and bowed, feeling embarrassment rise to her cheeks as she said
Serena : my lord I need your help, you know what the Jeons have done to my family and this is my last hope. But I can only do that if I have some soldiers on my side, and the men at the Gards will only agree to fight if I have some men in the Plains too. I beseech you, just a few hundred of your men will be enough for me. Once I win the war I can assure you, you will be rewarded-
Junseo : I want no rewards from you and my men will not fight this puny war whose outcome we already know. You are asking me to commit treason based on a few words that my long dead father said to your long dead grandfather. I will not forsake my men and my lands for this, it is funny you even thought for a mere second that I would.
Serena felt her face fall, her fists clenching as she looked away
Junseo : I might have considered sending a few, or at least supplying you with arms, but then your bastard here had the audacity to come to my court and disrespect me by belittling me.
Serena's eyes widened, quickly looking back at junseo as she opened her mouth to say something but junseo cut her off as he raised his hand
Junseo : no more. I will not assist someone who has come to my court begging for my men and then thinking that I owe them anything because they consider me below them. Perhaps it is best you stay off that throne for everyone's benefit, princess. You and this bastard of yours.
Seonghwa grunted as he unsheathed his sword, the guards around unsheathing it as well as serena gasped
Serena : seonghwa no-
Seonghwa : call me that again one more time and that will be the last time you ever use your tongue, lee junseo.
Junseo snorted and waved his hand dismissively at seonghwa before saying to his guards
Junseo : escort them out, guards. Good luck on your mission, princess kim.
Junseo got up and left, three guards walking up to serena and seonghwa as she shut her eyes tightly. She had failed, and it was all because seonghwa couldn't keep his stupid ego under wraps. Serena turned and walked towards the exit, feeling tears of frustration burn her eyes.
________________________________
Serena walked into yet another room in yet another inn as she threw her fur cap towards the bed, plopping down on it as she buried her face in her hands. Seonghwa took his weapons belt off his waist and kept his sword away before saying flatly
Seonghwa : are you going to remain silent till we both die, serena?
Serena : I would've appreciated it if you had kept silence while I was talking to lord lee, seonghwa.
Seonghwa : oh he wasn't going to help us anyway-
Serena : he said he would have supplied us arms! Maybe even a few men but you went there and disrespected him!
Seonghwa rolled his eyes as serena snapped at him, taking his cloak off and throwing it to a nearby chair as he said
Seonghwa : clearly he was lying, and it is not like we are lacking in arms. I have enough at the Gards.
Serena : seonghwa you cannot keep doing this!
Seonghwa : what else will you have me do, lick the boots of men who scorn me and call me a bastard?
Serena : they call you what you are.
Seonghwa : I am a commander! I am the commander of the Gards and I am a rich man now, I have men who will die for me! I could kill all these puny fat lords who have done nothing but wine, and dine and whore, all by myself and instead I have to stand there and let them disrespect me?
Serena stood up from the bed angrily, grabbing her dagger and pushing it into seonghwa's hands harshly as he stared at it in part shock
Serena : then you might as well just kill me first, yes?
Seonghwa dropped the dagger immediately as if it burned him, looking at serena with a frown as she said
Serena : if you kill them all who will supply us with men, seonghwa? If you kill them all and turn them away from us how will I win against the royal family, how will I avenge my family!
Seonghwa looked away, clenching his jaw. Serena grabbed him by the jaw and turned him to face her again, stepping closer to him
Serena : do you want me dead? I did not bring you with me so you can make this harder, seonghwa, I brought you here so I can show these people that I at least have some support. I brought you here to convince them to join me, not turn them against me!
Seonghwa : I am quite aware you brought me here to use me to your benefit, serena. You do not have to remind me of that.
Serena : you agreed to this, don't act as if I forced you-
Seonghwa : I didn't agree to be called a bastard again and again!
Serena dropped her hand from his face as her face hardened, a look that reminded seonghwa that crown or not she was still a princess
Serena : if I become queen, I will grant you knighthood. I will grant you lands, and a castle, and men from the army. You will be a proper lord then, and no one will call you a bastard ever again. In return, I need you to bear this until I win the throne back. Is that a deal?
Seonghwa stared at serena in disbelief
Seonghwa : you are going to make me a lord?
Serena : if I do not lose my head before it.
Seonghwa stared at serena for a few seconds before letting out a breath and turning away as he mumbled
Seonghwa : fine.
______________________________
A month later :
Things weren't going well, it had been a month of serena meeting up with anyone and everyone whom she thought would help her and none of them had agreed. Most did not want to risk committing treason for a war they knew would fail them, and some had just laughed at her and called her naïve for thinking she could ever win against the Jeons, especially as a woman.
She went back to a different inn every night, feeling weaker and weaker as days passed. Seonghwa remained stoic and blank, putting up with the disrespect and rejections without showing a single emotion on his face. But serena could tell that he too was beginning to have his doubts, she was slowly losing him too.
And then it happened. She was using her last option, meeting up with her distant cousin kim yeonsu with whom she had always kept her distance from. There had been a rift in their families a few decades ago, when there was a fight between who would take over the throne. Her father had once told her there was a battle and that her great great grandfather had won it but chose to let his brother live, even granting them lands and a castle. Serena hoped that even though decades had passed, yeonsu would remember the kindness that had once saved his line and repay it.
He'd said he would prefer it if they met outside his castle walls in secret, in fear that the spies in his court would relay this meeting to the Jeons. Serena had seen that in a positive light and agreed to meet where he wanted. And soon enough they had approached a small clearing in the forest a few miles off of his castle walls at around midnight, seonghwa helping her down the horse as yeonsu and six of his guards slowly walked towards them
Yeonsu : it has been a long time since we last met, cousin.
Serena smiled softly as yeonsu took her hand and kissed it, seonghwa standing beside her with his hand rested on the hilt of his sword as he eyed the place with cautious eyes
Serena : it sure has, I hope you have been doing well?
Yeonsu : any day with your head still attached is a good day, my grandfather used to tell me.
Seonghwa : your grandfather sounds like a wise man.
Yeonsu smiled knowingly at seonghwa as he said
Yeonsu : ah, lord commander. I remember seeing you back when you were still a bastard-
Seonghwa : mm that has not quite changed.
Yeonsu ignored him, continuing with his words with a sarcastic smile
Yeonsu : always standing away from the royal family and their children. Less glamour, less jewels, less-
Serena : well I hope to get to the matter at hand soon, lord kim. I'm supposing you know why I am here.
Yeonsu : sure, you want my men to fight a war against the royal army. Is there anyone else you have succeeded in bringing to your side, princess?
Serena exchanged a look with seonghwa before shaking her head slowly
Serena : I am afraid not, my lord. But…I have heard that you have grown your army a lot in recent years and that you have quite the influence among other lords of the Plains. So I hoped that if you were to join and persuade them…
Yeonsu : ah yes, you have heard right then. It was quite the climb for us after what your great-great grandfather did to mine decades ago, robbing us off of the throne.
Serena : it was a fair battle that was won justly, and my ancestors were kind enough to spare your line and provide you with everything you would need, too.
Yeonsu chuckled at that, nodding slowly
Yeonsu : everything we need or the bare minimum to keep us away from you? He gave us lands in a far away wasteland with a castle that was crumbling and a population so poor that half of the families were starving to death. All our men were weakened or killed, leaving us with barely any to protect us.
Serena paused, not having known that as she grew visibly uncomfortable. Why hadn't her father told her this?
Serena : b-but the war was won justly-
Yeonsu : was it just when my great-great grandfather was so humiliated by yours that he killed himself barely five years after the war ended? When my great grandfather and his sisters grew up with no parents because their mother died of grief? Did your precious daddy tell that to you before he died or did he glaze over that part too?
Serena's eyes fell to her feet, not knowing what to say as she played with her hands nervously. She had no idea this was how it had happened. Yeonsu scoffed and stepped closer to her
Yeonsu : your family humiliated mine and left us with nothing, and then you have the guts to come here asking for my help now that you have nothing.
Serena : my lord-
Yeonsu : the way I see it your family had it long coming, this death and destruction. Deserving of it, even.
Seonghwa's eyes hardened as he stepped in between yeonsu and serena, his hand now gripping the hilt of his sword as he said coldly
Seonghwa : the princess can hear quite well, lord kim, you need not step so close.
Yeonsu chuckled as he eyed seonghwa warily
Yeonsu : whose princess? Yours? Because she certainly isn't mine and anyone else's anymore, and she especially won't be when I deliver her head on a pike to the king tomorrow.
Serena's eyes widened as she watched the six guards quickly draw out their blades and rush towards them, yeonsu pulling out his sword too to attack seonghwa. But seonghwa was quick, almost as if he'd expected this. His sword was quicker than yeonsu's as he quickly disarmed him.
Serena saw the six other guards rush towards them as she quickly grabbed her dagger and ran to fight the guards or at least keep them busy until seonghwa took care of yeonsu.
Everything was a blur after that, one second she was using all her un-womanly training to defend herself against the guards, even managing to stab one in the neck and another in his chest and the next second she watched in horror as seonghwa finally won the fight against yeonsu, plunging his sword into the lord's chest.
The four remaining guards appeared shocked too as they watched their lord crumble to the floor but soon enough they turned to fight serena with renewed vigor. Serena grunted as she dodged a stab to her stomach, stumbling back as she regained her footing and began trying to take the man down. But it was hard, especially because she had to manage not getting killed by the other three guards attacking her at the same time.
She had just killed the guard that was attacking her when she felt another right behind her, and she knew it right that second that she was too late, the man would stab her whether she turned or not. And then she felt a squelch behind her, turning to see seonghwa's sword protruding through the guard's chest as he crumbled down.
Serena watched as seonghwa then turned and swiftly brought the other two men down as well before rushing towards serena who was now panting, the adrenaline pumping in her body wearing down as she looked at the dead men on the floor and the blood staining her hands
Serena : w-we were betrayed.
Seonghwa : we can talk about that later, we need to get out of here before more of them come.
Seonghwa quickly scanned her for injuries before grabbing her hand and rushing to their horses who stood a few feet away, their hands almost slipping against one another because of the blood. Seonghwa sheathed his sword and helped serena up onto her horse just as they could hear footsteps rushing towards them. Serena felt her heart race as seonghwa jumped onto his horse as well and pulled at the reins, the both of them escaping just before 20 other guards rushed into the clearing.
Serena looked behind her as she galloped through the woods along with seonghwa, her cloak flowing behind her as she yelled out to seonghwa
Serena : are you hurt?
Seonghwa : not a scratch.
Serena looked back forward and shut her eyes tightly, feeling the tears of frustration well in her eyes again. What was she going to do now? The Jeons and everyone else would know where she was now, they had just killed a lord.
Serena : you-you just killed a lord, seonghwa.
Seonghwa : won't be my first and certainly won't be my last.
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Seonghwa : what are you going to do now?
Serena scrubbed her bloodied hands relentlessly against the sink as seonghwa took off his weapon's belt and kept it away, his face worn out. They had rode for hours and had reached at an inn just before dawn, taking a room despite the weird looks the innkeeper had given them after having seen the dried blood on them. But seonghwa had paid enough, even though he seemed to be running out of them now.
Serena : I don't know.
Seonghwa : was he your last option?
Serena : yes.
Seonghwa : you do realize we haven't gotten any lords at all on our side, yes?
Serena : yes.
Seonghwa : my men will not fight the war unless we do.
Serena : I know that.
Seonghwa : and you need men to win the throne back, yes?
Serena : for god's sake I know this seonghwa!
Seonghwa paused as serena snapped, letting out a shaky breath as she grabbed a towel and wiped her now raw hands before throwing it away, pacing around the room restlessly
Serena : I don't know what to do, I don't know who else to ask.
Seonghwa : I am running out of money, serena, and time. I have to head back to the Gards soon or someone will get to know the truth, and then I too will have nowhere to return to.
Serena rubbed her hand against her face, shutting her eyes tightly as she mumbled
Seonghwa : what do you mean you do not know! Serena you came to me asking for help and I agreed, I have even killed a bloody lord for you! Do you know the mess that is for me? People are going to ask and I will have to invent lies and tales, and that is if fucking kim yeonsu didn't tell anyone else he was coming out there to meet you and I.
Serena : no one saw you, the ones who did are dead. It will just be me.
Seonghwa : you think anyone is going to believe you, a princess, killed six burly guards and their lord all alone? They will ask around and all the other lords we have been visiting will spill their secrets to save their heads.
Serena watched as seonghwa groaned and ran his hand along his hair, letting out a breath
Seonghwa : this is such a fucking mess, you have made it so hard for me serena.
Serena : I am sorry.
Seonghwa : your sorry doesn't fix anything! I told you this was a useless quest, no one is going to agree to fight this stupid war just so you get to sit on a throne and wear a crown. No one cares about you enough to do that serena, why can't you understand that!
Serena looked away at his words, swallowing shakily as seonghwa scoffed and said
Seonghwa : this is your problem, you think you are still that golden princess whom everyone loved and adored. But that time is gone serena, and now you've dragged me into this mess as well. When you came to me you told me there would be other lords to support you, you sounded so sure, that is why I agreed. Now look at us! Look at me!
Serena blinked her eyes profusely to keep the tears at bay, playing with her hands again as she mumbled
Serena : I'm sorry-
Seonghwa : stop saying that! God's sake!
Serena pressed her lips together as seonghwa stepped closer to her and said, his voice cold and cautious
Seonghwa : did you believe it? That you'd have people here who would support it? When you came to me and told me you would find men here, did you genuinely in your heart think that that was true, serena? Or was that just a lie you came up with to get me to come along with you in mere hopes that you would find support?
Serena's face paled at his question, feeling everything crumble around her. She didn't want to have this conversation, she didn't want to tell him she had lied and had asked him to desert his post knowing that there would be no lords to help her and this would only create more problems for him. She had never believed anyone would help her, but she'd made him think otherwise.
Serena : seonghwa-
Seonghwa : TELL ME!
Serena flinched at seonghwa's yell as she slowly shook her head, tears in her eyes
Serena : I-I didn't know. But I…but I hoped-
Seonghwa : well you hoped your family was alive too but their heads are all on a pike on display now aren't they!
Serena winced at his harsh words, turning away from him as she sniffled
Seonghwa : for fuck's sake can you stop acting like one dainty princess that is always crying and whining for two seconds! I dropped everything for you, serena, and you lied to me! You took advantage of me, and now you're fucking crying?
Serena's chest rose and fell unevenly, her hands trembling as she dug her nails into her palm to try and stop the tears
Serena : I d-didn't lie, I just didn't know what else to…do. I felt so hopeless and…I just didn't know where else to go or what to do.
Seonghwa : of course you didn't! You never do, do you? You just expect things to fall into place because they always have for you. Your whole life you've been handed everything. Love, loyalty, protection, people bending over backwards for you just because of your last name and now that that is of no value, you suddenly don't know what to do and go around fucking everybody else's lives.
Serena : no please-
Seonghwa : you dragged me out here chasing a fantasy, serena! A throne you can't win, a war you can't fight, allies that don't even fucking exist and now I'm stuck here cleaning up your mess and mine! You've dragged me to fucking hell!
Serena : seonghwa I didn't mean to.
Seonghwa scoffed angrily, panting now as he took off his gloves and threw it to the floor harshly in frustration making serena flinch and step back slightly
Seonghwa : do you even understand what you've done to me? If this fails, and it will fail, I lose everything. My position, my men, my life-
Serena : I said I'm sorry!
Seonghwa : YOUR SORRY IS BLOODY USELESS! You've brought me to death's end because you are so fucking selfish you just cannot see beyond your wants and desires!
Serena stared at her feet with teary eyes, suddenly feeling like she just wanted to dig up a hole and crawl into it. Seonghwa inhaled deeply and said the words he would probably regret for the rest of his days
Seonghwa : you should've died with them.
Serena froze, her eyes widened as she slowly looked up at seonghwa in horror. Her lips parted slightly but no words came out, only a broken breath. Seonghwa's eyes flickered as if he felt an ounce of regret but he pushed it back, the anger taking over him
Seonghwa : truth is that you do not deserve to sit on that throne, serena, and someone as selfish and self-centred like you could never be a good queen. You will bring them all to ruin, drag them down with you just like you have done to me now.
Serena : seonghwa…
Seonghwa : have you ever thought about me at least once? Did you? When you asked me to come down here, did you worry that maybe I would lose my life too, lead a miserable life like you do now? Or that I would lose everything I had worked so hard for, all for nothing? Did that bother you, serena? Or would I just be some minor collateral damage along the way? Just another person in your life, dead and gone. Like the rest of your family? I doubt that even bothers you anymore.
How could he say that, how could he say that to someone who had watched their family getting killed slowly and painfully while they could do nothing but watch and cry? Serena felt tears slip down her eyes finally, her lips trembling as she could say nothing to him. Seonghwa let out a breath and walked past her to the small attached bathroom and slammed the door shut behind him, leaving her alone to wallow in her misery.
Serena crumbled to the floor as silent sobs wracked her body, making her feel nauseous and breathless. He was right, she didn't deserve to sit on that throne and she'd dragged him along with her to this misery.
The wind from the balcony of the room blew against her, making her look up at the small balcony and the wooden railing around it.
"You should've died with them"
Maybe it isn't too late. Serena slowly stood up, her legs weakened and her vision blurry.
Pairing : Park Seonghwa (Ateez) and named character (Kim Serena)
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Synopsis : Kim Serena had it all, she was the golden princess, the youngest of the royal family destined to a trouble free life filled with balls and gowns. She was raised surrounded with love, admiration, everyone's favorite.
Seonghwa is an orphan who was adopted by the royal couple when he was just a baby abandoned on their palace doorsteps. They took him in, trained him, schooled him, gave him everything a child would want. Except love, belonging, he never fit. He could never be a Kim, growing up with the six royal children he was never one of them, always an outsider. He wasn't even given their last name, always just seonghwa.
Except with serena, she'd always cared for him, and he'd always had a soft spot for her. But when time came to choose seonghwa left anyway, choosing a lonely life of pain and battle in the cold faraway land called the Gards where men who had no purpose came together to defend the nation's outer walls.
Until the Kim family was overthrown by another distant royal family, the ruthless Jeons. They killed Serena's family one by one, her parents and all her siblings until it was only her left behind. She was branded a traitor to the crown, a price on her head. And so after a decade of being away, a decade of no contact, she went to the only safe place she could think of, her last hope in a world that was suddenly turned against her, the now Commander of the Gards, seonghwa.
Will he help her get her throne back? Or will she die trying?
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A/n : if it wasn't already obvious, the fic is inspired by Game Of Thrones. I have a thing for Jon Snow, bear with me.
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Serena walked through the snowy mountain hills to try and reach the Gard before sundown, knowing fully well that if she'd have to spend her night out in these desolate woods in this freezing cold, she might as well have stayed back in The Plains and gotten herself killed by the soldiers of the new royal family. They had killed her parents, and all her five other siblings one by one until she was the only one left of her own royal house. They were on a hunt for her now and she'd fled to her last hope, the last remnant of her safe long-lost childhood, seonghwa.
He had been adopted by her parents who were once king and queen when he were only a baby, but he'd always been the outcast, treated that way by almost everyone except serena. He'd left when he'd turned 18 to the Gards, the one place in the kingdom located high up the mountains and far away from all towns and people. The coldest place in the world, the harshest too. Their job was to protect whatever was beyond the walls of the kingdom, and no one ever came up here to bother them.
But serena had to, she needed his help, she needed respite and this was the only place she could think of. She hated the cold, had always hated winter and anything relating to it, and so for her to climb up this mountain with not even a cloak to keep her warm as the cold wind and snow beat upon her ragged thin clothes, her horse lost along the way due to the cold, she really was desperate.
Somehow or the other she'd finally brought herself up to the Gard entrance a few hours later, her body half frozen and trembling horribly. She stopped and looked at the five men who were standing outside guarding the entrance, their eyes widening in shock as they saw her before bowing down immediately
??? : princess kim.
She hadn't expected that, she'd expected them to kill her off at first sight since she was wanted dead by the royal family. She was princess no longer, had the news not reached them?
Serena walked up to them slowly and cautiously, her one hand behind her clutching the small dagger as she said in her hoarse shaky voice
Serena : I-I wish to see lord seonghwa.
??? : we will notify the commander right away, princess.
Serena paused at that, commander? He had become commander of the Gards now? Why hadn't she known of that? She didn't have time to think of that as she soon saw seonghwa rushing up to her with a few other men behind him, his entire demeanor having changed. He had become a man now, a powerful man even. He looked taller, stronger, more regal. He seemed warm too, covered in fur coats and cloaks and gloves, all of which she wished she'd had to protect her from the cold. And his hair, it had grown so long he'd tied it back.
Of course he'd changed, it had been ten years since she last saw him.
Seonghwa : what the hell are you doing here! Are you crazy, serena?
Serena stared up at seonghwa with her now teary eyes, her body trembling like a leaf from the cold and her lips cracked as she whispered
Serena : seonghwa…I needed shelter, a-a safe place. I didn't know where else to go.
Seonghwa stepped closer to her with a worried frown on his face, scanning her up and down as if to make sure she wasn't harmed as he said
Seonghwa : you are a fool to come up here, the cold up here will kill you. Can you walk?
Serena stared at seonghwa as he took his fur cloak off of him and wrapped it around her shoulders tightly, much to serena's relief. And as soon as she felt his cloak around her, she could smell him, that scent she'd missed so very much. Cedar, wood, and honey, that hadn't changed, and it brought her comfort.
Serena : I-I can.
Seonghwa nodded and held her arm as if to support her before saying
Seonghwa : then let's get you inside.
Serena walked alongside seonghwa as she walked into the fort with him, her eyes roaming around a new place she'd always heard of but never seen before. The snow made it hard to see properly but it looked so harsh, so barren. There was no color, no life, she wondered how seonghwa could live in a place like this for so long.
Seonghwa walked into a large hall that looked as if it were the meeting room, similar to the throne room in her old palace. The men inside quickly stood up as seonghwa walked in, their eyes immediately going to serena as some of them bowed and the others didn't. So the news had reached here after all.
Serena stood straight even though she felt like she were about to collapse, not minding that she probably looked like hell what with her messy braided hair and snow soaked ragged clothes. But it was warm in here, and she'd never appreciated warmth so much as she did in that moment.
Seonghwa : leave us!
Seonghwa's loud stern voice vibrated through the walls as the 20 or so men quickly nodded and left. Serena watched them as the last one shut the door behind him, leaving serena and seonghwa alone. She turned to face him now, the warmth clearing her head and vision now so she could now see him better
Serena : I have missed you, you seem to be doing well here.
Seonghwa : I survive.
Serena : survive? You are commander now, seonghwa, I noticed. You…you rule this place now.
Seonghwa scoffed, his hand coming to rest on his sword that was sheathed in his waist belt before saying
Seonghwa : I became the commander to survive, I do not enjoy the responsibilities I am burdened with now.
Serena : you have led a better life the past ten years than I have, I'm sure.
That seemed to anger seonghwa as serena saw his eyes harden, a disbelieving scoff leaving his lips
Seonghwa : you think so? You think I've had a better life in this cold, dead place, having nothing and no one? You were the one who grew up in palaces, serena, the royal pure blooded child beloved by everyone, the future of this kingdom. The golden princess.
The golden princess, it was a term that had been used by people before things went to hell for her. She had been born in the midst of summer, one of the most hottest days that the kingdom had ever witnessed. The entire town was washed golden at the time of her birth, the sun seeming to blind anyone and everyone. It earned her that title, the golden princess of the sun.
Serena : and look where I am now, seonghwa. Look at me, covered in dirt and blood and grime. Not so much the golden princess anymore, am I? Not when half the kingdom wishes my head on a pike.
Seonghwa stared at serena as she let out a shaky breath and pulled his cloak tighter against herself as if seeking comfort
Serena : they have taken them all, seonghwa. Sara, soobin, sehun, soyeon, seojun, appa and eomma, they are all…gone. They're gone, seonghwa, and I watched them all die one, by one, by one and I could do nothing. Nothing! You think I've been living a good life now?
Seonghwa lowered his head, inhaling deeply as he mumbled
Seonghwa : I'm sorry.
Serena stared at seonghwa for a few seconds before crashing into his arms, wrapping her arms around his neck as she hugged him tightly. She felt him stiffen, his hands hovering at his sides awkwardly as serena pressed her face against his chest. She felt his warmth seep into her cold trembling body, a content sigh leaving her lips as she finally felt his scent envelop her. It was safe, it was warm.
Seonghwa : serena-
Serena : please.
Seonghwa pressed his lips together as one of his hands finally came up, hesitantly resting between her shoulder blades for a moment before slowly pulling away again
Seonghwa : you can't stay here, not like this. I'm sorry but it's not safe here either, serena.
Serena knew he would say this, but it broke her heart nonetheless. Any hope of respite, any hope of feeling safe again and not like she was being hunted every second of the day, gone.
Serena : I have nowhere else to go. I…I have tried everything, seonghwa.
Seonghwa : serena I cannot accommodate you here-
Serena : what else will you have me do seonghwa! Where else will I go!
Seonghwa clenched his jaw, feeling that familiar feeling in his heart. But he couldn't, he just couldn't. It had been so long, and he'd fought so hard to be here. He couldn't just lose it all now, everything he'd earned with hard work. And so seonghwa stepped away from her, putting more distance between them as he shook his head and said harshly
Seonghwa : that's not my problem, serena. You know what happens to those who side with you, with your family line-
Serena : you were part of us-
Seonghwa : I was never a part of any of you, I was always just a runt, a burden.
Serena : that's not true-
Seonghwa : I will not have you here! It is a danger for my men, my men whom I have trained and watched fight and bleed and die for me. They rely on me, I am their commander first and foremost and it is my duty to protect them from danger. Even if that is you.
Serena flinched at his words, as if she'd never expected to hear this from him. Seonghwa turned his head away, his hand tightening on the hilt of his sword
Seonghwa : you have to find some place else.
Serena scoffed as she felt tears fill her eyes, feeling suddenly cold again despite the warmth from the fire and his cloak
Serena : is the snow so cold here that it has frozen your heart too, seonghwa? Is it so cold, and harsh and dead that you have…forgotten love?
Seonghwa : love? You say that to me now, love? Where was this love when I was treated like a common cur by your family, serena? When you were sitting in your golden throne and had everything you didn't want me and now that you're crawling in the mud, you want me to risk everything I have, everything I've built, to protect you?
Serena stared at seonghwa in disbelief before grabbing his cloak that was around her and throwing it back at him. She was weak, her arms barely worked but it hit his chest with a thud and slid down to the floor as serena snapped
Serena : then why did you give this to me, huh? Why didn't you deny me and just let me freeze to my death outside the walls? Let the wolves eat my frozen body?
Seonghwa winced at her harsh words, as if the mere thought of that pained him. Serena felt tears slip past her eyes as she said hoarsely
Serena : I have no one left, seonghwa, no one! They've taken everything I've had away from me, my family, my throne, my gold, my friends, anyone who has ever been kind enough to help me, they've killed them all! But I lived through that, I fought through the pain, the anger and the cold, all of it, I kept myself from plunging a dagger into my heart because of you! Because I thought that even if I'd lost them all, I'd have you at least. That I could always come to you and you would accept me.
Seonghwa : well you are a fool-
Serena : yes I am a fool, aren't I? A fool for thinking you would accept me. But know this, seonghwa, I have always loved you and you know it deep in your heart. I have bandaged your wounds and nursed you back to health when you were sick and bedridden all those years ago. And my siblings, my parents, they took you in nonetheless, they never threw you out. They fed you, and clothed you, and trained you just as they trained all the rest of us.
Serena scoffed as she shook her head
Serena : you were a part of us too and now they have all been killed and you do not even care, you do not even hurt-
Seonghwa : ENOUGH!
Serena flinched as seonghwa yelled at her, stopping her rambling as she quickly looked away, panting and crying now. Seonghwa stepped closer to her as he said
Seonghwa : you think I have not hurt? You think I did not care every time a messenger came and informed me of all their deaths one by one? I prayed it wasn't you every time, I did. But I couldn't do anything about it, there are rules here and once I was in I didn't have an out! Some of us have to gruel to live, princess. Of course you would know nothing about it.
Serena : DO NOT USE THAT AGAINST ME! I had no choice either! I was born a princess and raised one, it is not my fault you weren't! It is not my fault you were born to a prostitute who abandoned you-
Seonghwa : don't you dare-
Serena : I have come a long way, seonghwa. I have braved all this snow despite how much I hate the cold, wearing nothing but this ragged cotton dress. I have felt the snow in my bones and yet I kept going thinking you will stand by my side. Only for you to treat me like a stranger.
Seonghwa : I CAN'T BE BY YOUR SIDE SERENA! Why don't you understand! I am a member of the Gard, sworn to take no wife and father no children! We have no future, nothing to go back to and nothing to build! Don't you get that?
Serena : to hell with your oath! To hell with this place! If we wed you will be a prince by morning, no one can question it. You can do whatever you want then, seonghwa. And we can win a war with those murderous traitors-
Seonghwa : christ, do you hear yourself-
Serena : we can take our throne back! We can rule together!
Seonghwa : what throne, serena! What throne! What are we, two people against an entire nation's military? We will be cut to shreds within mere seconds!
Serena : but it is not just two people!
Serena stepped forward and grabbed seonghwa's collar desperately as she said
Serena : there are people here who will support you, you are their commander, you have trained them. And there are people down in the Plains who will support me and my claim to the throne. I know it, they are just scared but if you join with your men they will too.
Seonghwa : it is too risky-
Serena : but it is not impossible! Seonghwa please, it is my only chance. You didn't see them the way I did, you only got the news of their deaths through parchment and ink. I saw it happen, I saw each of them getting killed in the most horrible ways while I watched and then ran only to be found again, and again.
Seonghwa stared down at her as serena wiped her face shakily and mumbled
Serena : they will do the same to me and worse, since I am the youngest of my line they have waited all this while. But now I am a threat, the golden princess for whom men would've once died to protect. Not anymore though, they will have me in the end if I leave.
Seonghwa : you are asking me to risk everything, everything I have bled to build serena. The countless painful nights I've spent, all for me to just throw it away the second I finally have it.
Serena stared up seonghwa with her teary eyes before whispering
Serena : you do not have to wed me if you do not want it, it is your choice and if I face the brunt for it after I become queen and no man will want to marry me thinking I am unsealed then I will deal with that, it will be my consequence to bear. All I need from you is to fight with me this once, win the throne. Once I do you can do whatever you want, you can return back here with your men and never speak with me if that's what pleases you. I will not stop you.
Serena inhaled shakily and whispered desperately
Serena : but if you send me away now I will not return, seonghwa. They will find me, and they will kill me.
Seonghwa stared down at serena for a few seconds before letting out a breath as he turned away and rubbed his hand against his face. He couldn't deny her, not after all she'd once done for him, all that they once were.
Seonghwa : we leave by dawn.
Serena felt a spark of hope finally ignite in her, a shaky breath leaving her lips as seonghwa said coldly
Seonghwa : I will have the men bring food to you. Eat up, wash yourself and get some rest. We will not see each other tonight, I need to hold a meeting with my men and try to convince them to stand by us. And then we will leave, the both of us, and confirm whether you actually have support in the Plains. Once we've gathered that, we'll think about the rest.
Serena felt a small smile light up her face, stepping forward to hug him as she said
Serena : thank you seonghwa-
Seonghwa : don't.
Serena paused as seonghwa stepped back from her, his face cold as he shook his head. Serena's hands fell back to her sides as seonghwa looked at her one last time before grabbing his cloak from the floor and pressing it to her hands before walking out the hall.
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The next morning two men had appeared in front of serena's door after she had dressed and had breakfast, saying they had been tasked by the commander to escort her to the stables. Serena had nodded, finishing up her milk and grabbing the required things.
There were no clothes for women, and so she'd dressed up in a man's outfit that hung a bit loose on her. She'd layered up though, wearing overcoats and fur cloaks and gloves and a fur hat that covered half her face and then grabbed a blanket too, for good measure.
As she walked into the stables and saw seonghwa readying the horse, he eyed her with a frown
Seonghwa : we are riding, not burying ourselves in the snow, princess.
Serena walked up to him with her head raised high, her hair now braided up into a high bun as she said sarcastically
Serena : glad to know the cold hasn't frozen over your witty remarks, commander.
Seonghwa exchanged a look with the two men who tried not to smile as serena turned back to look at seonghwa almost haughtily
Serena : where is my horse?
Seonghwa : you will be riding with me, easier and faster that way. Plus you don't do well with the cold and riding in it will not be a good idea. Once we're in the Plains we can purchase a horse for you.
Serena stared at seonghwa for a few seconds before he sighed and nodded to the two men, getting onto the horse. He held his hand out for serena as she sighed and took it, getting on horseback behind him. She pulled the blanket over her shoulders and wrapped her arms around seonghwa's middle. The two guards looked away, seonghwa letting out a breath as he took hold of the reins and said to the guards
Seonghwa : wait for my message, and make sure the Gard stays protected in my absence. No one is to know about the princess, if anyone asks-
??? : you have rode down to the Plains for a personal errand.
Seonghwa nodded before pulling at the reins as his horse rode out the stables and to the gates that were already open for him. Serena pressed her face against his back as she felt the cold air whip around her, thankful for all the layers that kept her warm
Serena : did your men agree? Last night at the meeting?
Seonghwa : I'm surprised you didn't eavesdrop and find out already.
Serena : I wanted to but…I was too tired. And…you aren't the seonghwa I used to know anymore, you're more angrier and snappy all the time.
Seonghwa : did you think I would behead you if I found you eavesdropping?
Serena : I wanted to be obedient and listen to you, so I can prove myself worthy of your help and of your sacrifice.
Seonghwa didn't say anything for a few seconds as serena watched them begin to ride down the hill, the Gard disappearing behind them.
Seonghwa : they have agreed, in a way.
Serena : what does that mean?
Seonghwa : that is for me to worry about.
Serena : you seem to worry about a lot of things.
Seonghwa : why, have I grown wrinkles?
Serena smiled faintly and nuzzled against his back once again, her arms around him tightening as the horse galloped through the woods
Serena : what if we go down there and I'm wrong, seonghwa? If there's…no one to support me then what will happen?
Seonghwa : then my men will not participate in the war. It is obvious that the Gards men alone will not be able to topple over the royal army, we will need generals with a good amount of soldiers who support your cause down in the Plains.
Serena : and if we don't find that?
Seonghwa : then I return, tell my men the happy news that there will be no war and we will continue on with our life.
Serena : and…and me? What will happen to me?
Serena felt seonghwa stiffen, letting out a breath as he made the horse ride faster
Seonghwa : that I do not know.
Serena smiled bitterly and nodded against his back, saying aloud what he did not want to say
Serena : I die. They kill me.
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Serena had fallen asleep somewhere along the way, seonghwa's body against hers a comfort that she had missed so much. She was woken hours later as she felt seonghwa get off the horse while holding her arm so she does not fall, serena blinking her eyes with a frown as she looked around in a daze
Serena : where are we?
Seonghwa : a town named oak, we're 3 hours away from the main towns of the Plains but the sun is already setting and it is unsafe to ride in the dark. So we will rest here for the night.
Serena looked at the inn right in front of them, a small woody place with the sounds of laughter and screams pouring outside it's halls. Serena winced, always having hated loud sounds and places that were loud
Seonghwa : you told me you are a princess no longer, and yet you still act like one.
Serena huffed and got off the horse without taking his hand as she murmured
Serena : old habits die hard.
Seonghwa stepped closer to her and pulled the blanket tighter around her shoulders, fixing the fur cap so it hid most of her face as serena frowned
Serena : I can barely see.
Seonghwa : good, that means they can barely see you too then.
Serena scoffed as seonghwa held her arm and walked inside the inn, desperate for some warmth and rest after all that riding. And soon enough they were standing in front of the innkeeper who was an old burly man, reeking of wine and sweat
Seonghwa : we wish to stay the night.
Seonghwa dropped a pouch of gold onto the table as the man eyed it and then the both of them with a smirk, probably thinking that seonghwa was a high lord who'd come secretly with one of his whores to spend the night here. And so he handed them a key before saying
??? : you don't have to cover her like that here, you know. We do not shame it, a man's gotta satisfy himself somehow or the other aye?
The man laughed as serena winced, his words making her want to grab her dagger hidden under the coat and stab his eye with it. But seonghwa just gave him a tight smile before grabbing the key and dragging serena by the arm with him. Serena grunted and followed him as she said
Serena : that man thinks I'm your whore!
Seonghwa : people think all sorts of things.
Serena : have you no care for my dignity?
Seonghwa : the last thing I care about right now, serena, is your dignity.
Serena frowned indignantly as seonghwa opened the door to their room and pushed her inside. Serena almost stumbled in, taking her fur cap off and looking around the small dingy dirty room with a sigh. The bed, the bed was just so small.
Serena : how does one…
Serena winced as she tried to search for a better word, not being able to say the word that came to her mind aloud
Seonghwa : fuck?
Serena gave seonghwa a look as he scoffed and shut the door behind him, locking it as he took off his gloves and cloak before throwing it aside haphazardly
Serena : yes, fine. That. How does one do that, in this small bed? I'd be worried of falling down the bed and snapping my neck.
Seonghwa : when you're drunk out of your mind, having sex with a bunch of fat men that reek of piss and have dicks the size of my pinky, I think you might even prefer that option.
Serena groaned as she made a disgusted face, watching seonghwa lean down the fireplace to start a fire
Serena : that place has turned you crude, too. The words just seem to roll off your tongue now.
Seonghwa started the fire before stepping back and grabbing an apple from the nearby fruit bowl, munching on it as he mumbled
Seonghwa : that tends to happen if you live in a place like that long enough.
Serena took her blanket and cloak off before placing them neatly on a nearby table, removing her gloves as well as she said
Serena : then why did you not leave?
Seonghwa : leave and go where?
Serena : if…you could've come to me, to us. Back when eomma and appa and the rest of us were alive, you always were the better fighter among us.
Seonghwa : you think if I'd have been there the Jeon family wouldn't have caused your downfall? You think me, one man, would have made all the difference in the world for all of you? The faith you have in me is impeccable, serena.
Serena paused, still turned away from him as she sighed and took her coat off before saying
Serena : I do believe things would have changed, if you were there perhaps we would've had a better strategy-
Seonghwa : a better strategy for them killing your father by secretly poisoning him? Your mother by stabbing her in the back at your father's funeral? That too, by her own brother whom they'd bought off?
Serena winced at his words, the memories rushing back to her all at once. It had been dreadful, she didn't want to think about it.
Serena : seonghwa-
Seonghwa : there was no strategy to save your family, serena, the Jeons were clever and smart. They beat your family with wit and intelligence while the lot of you stuck to honor and duty and dignity. Look where that's led you now, hmm? Honor?
Serena whirled to face seonghwa angrily, the fire having caused seonghwa's cheeks to flush under the warmth
Serena : honor goes a long way! I would rather die than kill a family cruelly by stabbing them in the back and draining them off of their lives slowly and painfully. If you want to win a throne, you do it through war and combat-
Seonghwa : do you expect to win the throne back this way too, serena?
Serena paused, staring at seonghwa as he chuckled dryly and shook his head
Seonghwa : you think marching into the royal city with my men and whomever we can find here, will win us anything? We will be outnumbered, no matter how many generals we can bring to our side in the Plains we will still be outnumbered. There is no way you can take that throne back through honor and war.
Serena : well then what do you want me to do! What do you propose?
Seonghwa shrugged and had another bite of the apple before saying
Seonghwa : we do what they did to yours, kill them off one by one, slowly and painfully.
Serena : that is cruel-
Seonghwa : the game of thrones is cruel, serena. It's time you stepped out of that little bubble of yours and see the world for what it is, yes?
Serena stared at seonghwa as he sighed and finished the apple before throwing the leftover into the fire as he watched it burn with crossed arms
Seonghwa : if you want revenge, you have to play their game.
Serena pressed her lips together as she walked towards him, standing next to him as she watched the fire and muttered
Pairing : Choi San (Ateez) and named character (Lee Sana)
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Synopsis : San is a chronic smoker and his long-term girlfriend Sana has always hated it. Her father used to smoke once too and that didn't end well, sana still remembers that night down to the last detail and whenever she smells that same scent on san it triggered that part of her she always tried hard to bury. She's put up with it for a long time, waiting and waiting to see if he'd change. Countless arguments and a hundred broken promises later, sana finally reaches her last straw. Will san finally change for her?
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A/n : It's been a long time and the tides have turned in my life. I'd prefer not to waste your time by over-explaining it all as I'm sure you guys are here to just read a fic and have some respite from the horrible place that is this world around us. So I hope you have fun with this just as I did writing it. My sincere apologies for having disappeared again, genuinely I'm giving one of those confusing red flag bfs that come and go every once in a while and wreck you with it but...yes.
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Sana looks up as the door to her and san's shared apartment finally opened, revealing a tired san. It was 2:30am, and he'd had another celebrity party that he'd had to go to after work for "networking" purposes. Sana was never a fan of such parties, alcohol, drugs, women, and the worst, cigarettes. San was something of an addict, and sana had only bad experiences with smoking.
Sana : enjoy yourself, san-ah?
San frowned softly as he took his shoes off and walked towards her, not hugging her and keeping a slight distance. She knew it immediately.
San : hi baby, you're still up? I thought I'd told you that you didn't have to wait up for me?
Sana : yeah, so I wouldn't find out that you smoked again?
San's face changed a bit at that, looking away from her as sana scoffed
Sana : did you smoke san?
San let out a sharp exhale, already irritated with this
San : sana, not this right now.
Sana : well that's not really an answer now is it?
San : I just got back, sana-ya. Can we not do this the second I walk in?
Sana stood up from the couch, walking towards him and standing right in front of him now as she said
Sana : you smell like it.
San turned his head away, sighing deeply. The last thing he needed after attending that tiring horrible party was this. Sana felt irritation spike up her body at his silence, her fists clenching as she said
Sana : you promised. You said you were trying to stop, san.
San : I am trying! You think it's that easy?
Sana : you had one job tonight san! Just don't smoke for a few hours. I've told you countless times again and again ever since the beginning of our relationship, I fucking hate it when you smoke! And you've told me again and again that you'll stop and yet here we are huh!
San let out a disbelieving laugh and shook his head
San : listen to yourself, sana. One job? You sound like my boss.
Sana : I am a neurosurgeon, san. I see what this does to people.
San : and I am not your patient!
Sana : no, you're worse! Because I actually care if something happens to you, it affects me directly san!
San : there it is, the fucking lecture. Again, and again, and fucking again.
Sana's eyes flashed with anger as she stepped even closer and glared up at him
Sana : this isn't a lecture. This is me asking you to not slowly kill yourself, is that really so hard?
San : I had a couple cigarettes, like three. I'm not dying tomorrow, sana.
Sana : YOU DON'T KNOW THAT! My appa said the same thing. He thought he had time-
San : OH FOR GOD'S SAKE I AM NOT YOUR FATHER!
Sana flinches just a bit at that, stepping back slightly as she stared at him in disbelief. San let out a groan and rubbed his hand against his face
San : I'm sick of this. Every time I do something you don't like, it's a whole thing, a whole argument. A whole emotional breakdown, it's wearing me down.
Sana looks away, her voice quiet now as she murmured
Sana : I had a bad day, I lost a patient today. And I came home and you-
San : and I'm supposed to what? Be perfect? Be your coping mechanism? Quit everything cold turkey so you feel better?
Sana : I AM ASKING YOU TO CARE SAN! About yourself, about us-
San : I DO CARE! I just don't want to be controlled every second of my life!
Sana paused, hurt flickering in her eyes as she pressed her lips together before mumbling
Sana : I'm not controlling you.
San : you are. You're always on my case, always correcting me, always acting like you know better.
Sana : I do know better, that's the whole point-
San : GOD YOU ARE SO ANNOYING ABOUT IT!
Sana flinches, this time visibly as the fight seemed to drain out of her instantly. She remembered those same words, what came after it.
San : for fuck's sake sana at this point I might as well just die of lung cancer than deal with your nagging day and night. Honestly!
Sana's shoulders curved inwards at his words, her eyes dropping. She didn't say anything for a few seconds and san felt the silence crush into him. And then she sighed and mumbled
Sana : okay.
Sana stepped back as she nodded, pressing her lips together to stop them from trembling before whispering
Sana : okay.
Sana turned and walked back to their room, san watching her walk away from him. He felt something uneasy shifting in his chest but he refused to go behind her, needing time to calm down. He heard the bedroom door close, and then the bathroom door as the lock fell into place. And then he crumbled to the couch, burying his face in his hands. This was horrible.
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San walked into their room half an hour later, feeling horrible for the things he'd said now that he'd thought over it. She was just being afraid, and if he were in her position he would be too, so why had he said those hurtful things? He needed to apologize.
San : sana-ya?
San knocked at the bathroom door, hearing a choked inhale and a shaky breath that didn't quite make it out from outside. He felt his heart drop as he knocked again
San : sana…hey. Open the door for me please love?
Sana : I'm fine.
San : you're not fine.
Sana : I said I'm fine, san.
San could hear how controlled her voice was, and yet he could hear her pain through it.
San : please open the door. I'm sorry baby, I shouldn't have yelled.
San pressed his forehead against the door, hearing nothing for a while. And then he hears it, a soft broken sob that sana tries to swallow down. San closed his eyes as he whispered in a shaky desperate voice
San : sweetheart, please.
There was a long pause, and then the lock clicked and the door opened a tad bit. San waited a few seconds before pushing it open gently as he walked in. Sana was sitting on the floor with her back against the tub, her knees pulled to her chest and her face turned away. But he could see her red eyes, the wet lashes as she wiped at them quickly so he wouldn't notice. She was embarrassed of crying about this, and that broke him more.
San : hey…hey look at me.
San crouched down in front of her, his hands going to her arms as sana shook her head and turned further away
San : I didn't mean what I said. I didn't mean…I was angry, I was tired and I just-
Sana : you meant it.
San paused, his hands tightening slightly against her arms as she continued in a hoarse voice
Sana : you always mean it when you're angry. You just don't like hearing yourself say it out loud like that.
San : no baby, I-
Sana : you think I'm annoying, that I nag, that I'm controlling…
Sana trailed off as her voice broke, her face contorting as fresh tears filled her eyes. She hated this, hated not being able to articulate her thoughts properly without breaking.
San : I don't. I don't think that sana-ya.
San moved closer to her, kneeling down completely now as he brought his hand to her cheek and stroked her tears away softly
Sana : then why-why does it sound so easy for you to say it?
San didn't have an answer. And so he swallowed hard, slowly reaching out for her as he whispered gently
San : c-can I?
Sana hesitated a bit before nodding once. And at that san gently pulled her into his lap, wrapping his arms around her waist before bringing one hand to cradle the back of her head against his shoulder. Sana shut her eyes tightly, her hand coming to fist his shirt as san murmured into her hair
San : I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled, I know you hate that.
Sana : I do, I really do.
San let out a shaky breath, stroking her hair softly as he could feel the wetness of her tears against his shoulder
San : I won't do that again, I swear. I'll fix this, I'll-
Sana : it's not just the yelling.
San : then what is it hmm?
Sana pulled back slightly as she looked up at him, san smiling sadly as he cupped her face with one hand and stroked her cheek gently with his thumb. He leaned down to kiss her forehead and then her nose gently, rubbing his nose against hers to try and soothe her. Sana let out a shaky breath as she decided to just say it, it was her last hope. And she needed him to know.
Sana : my dad didn't die slowly.
Sana felt san pause, his eyes widening just a bit. Sana had never spoken about her dad before.
Sana : he didn't get years to regret it, he didn't get time to cut down or try to quit. He…he just collapsed in our living room. And I was there, I was sixteen. We were getting ready to go out for my birthday dinner and he just…
Sana cut herself off as she felt hot tears fill her eyes again, her hands trembling slightly. San felt his chest tighten, his hand going to grip hers gently as she continued almost distantly
Sana : I remember the smell, cigarettes. It was everywhere growing up, in the curtains, in his clothes, in his breath.
San felt his eyes soften, feeling horrible. The smell that she associated with this trauma was what he smelt like most of the time too. He couldn't imagine how hard that must've been for her.
Sana : I-I used to beg him to stop, just like I beg you.
Sana's face contorted as san felt sick hearing those words, what kind of a partner had he been?
Sana : and he'd scoff at me, just like you did tonight.
San : sana-
Sana : he told me I was overreacting, that I was being dramatic. That nothing was going to happen to him. And then one day…he just stopped breathing.
Tears spilled down her cheeks now, unchecked and hot
Sana : I t-tried to wake him up. I shook him, I screamed, I kept thinking that if I just…if I just tried harder he'd wake up.
San felt tears fill his own eyes at her words, reaching for her again but she pulled back slightly as her breath hitched with swallowed down sobs
Sana : I couldn't save him, san. And I became a doctor because I thought maybe if I understood it enough, I wouldn't ever have to feel that helpless again.
Sana let out a broken sob, shaking her head desperately as she whispered
Sana : but it doesn't matter, it doesn't work, none of it does and I still feel as helpless as I did back then. Because every time you smoke…it feels like I'm watching it happen all over again.
San felt like the ground was disappearing from underneath him, pressing his lips together as tears threatened to fall off his own eyes
Sana : I'm not trying to control you san, I-I'm just…I'm just trying to keep you alive. Because I love you, I love you like I loved my dad and even more and I…if I could barely just survive what happened to him how will I ever when it happens to you?
Sana broke down into sobs as she pressed her face against san's chest, clutching his shirt tight in her hands. San covered his mouth with the back of his hand, shutting his eyes tightly as tears spilled freely. A few minutes passed before he said shakily
San : I didn't know…sana I swear to god, I didn't know it was like that. If I had I would've never…I would've done something, anything-
San cut himself off with a quiet sob as he hugged her tightly, pressing his face against her hair as sana whispered, muffled against his shoulder
Sana : I don't want to lose him like I lost you.
San shook his head as he pulled her tighter against him, holding her like he was afraid she might disappear as he mumbled
San : you won't. you won't, I'm not him. I'm not going to leave you like that.
Sana clutched his shirt shakily, her breathing uneven as she said
Sana : then stop, please san. Please stop doing it, please.
San just pressed his face against her neck and shut his eyes tightly, not arguing against her for the first time. He was going to stop, or he was going to die trying. Whichever it was he wasn't going to make his sana relive those memories again, he couldn't let that happen.
He was better than that, and so he whispered with conviction
San : okay.
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As sana walked into the kitchen next morning she saw san throwing three packets of cigarettes into the dustbin, scrambled eggs cooking on the stove and two plates of her favorite blueberry waffles from the nearby bakery already placed on the table.
Sana : san?
San shut the bin as he turned to face her, a soft smile on his face as he grabbed the pan and walked to the dining table before putting the scrambled eggs equally into both plates
San : morning sweetheart, I've made you breakfast. Sleep well?
Sana stared at the plates as san pulled a chair for her before keeping the pan away and sitting opposite her
Sana : did you uhm…was that…the packets-
San : you told me to quit, and that's what I'm doing.
Sana : but…you don't have to do it all at once like that. We can go slowly, we can-
San : I do, I want to make it fast. If I don't I'll make excuses again and I don't want that.
Sana stared at san for a few seconds before leaning over as she took his hand in her own and squeezed it. San smiled, bringing her hand to his lips and pressing a kiss against it before beginning to eat his food. And for the first time in a while sana felt fully content and happy, the breakfast going smooth and well despite all the crying last night.
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The first day was fine, the second day was not. And by the third san felt the world giving way under him. He couldn't focus on his work, hell he couldn't even focus on driving and so he'd had to call in sick half way through. Said he was tired, his manager understood it. But that didn't make what he was feeling any better.
San paced around the apartment like a caged animal from around noon till the sun went down, every little thing setting him off. The ticking clock, the hum of the fridge, the way the lights hit the wall. He didn't even have lunch. And then sana came back from work at 8.
She paused as she saw him, noting the sweat clinging to him and his troubled expression as well as his trembling hands and bitten down nails. Withdrawal.
Sana : hi sweetheart.
San didn't answer her, instead just plopping down onto the couch with a shaky breath as he pressed his hands against his face. Sana set her bag down gently as she said
Sana : do you want tea?
San : no.
Sana : water?
San : no.
Sana : well then what would you like for dinne-
San : for fuck's sake I said no sana!
Sana paused as his words came out louder and meaner than she'd expected and san deflated at that, shaking his head as he whispered brokenly
San : fuck I'm sorry. I didn't mean-
Sana : it's okay, I understand.
San chewed at his already chapped lips as sana knelt down in front of him, pressing her hands against his knees as she whispered gently
Sana : it's okay baby, we'll face this together yeah?
San wanted to tell her she had no idea how this felt, he wanted to tell her this was all because of her and he was dying because of it. But he didn't, instead he just nodded slowly, breathing out measuredly
Sana : it'll go away, it'll pass I promise. It might seem like a big deal but it's really not. You just have to breathe through it.
Her words weren't helping, san hated the way she was stroking his knees and he wanted to yell at her. And so he quickly stood up, shaking his head as he walked to their bedroom
San : I just need some space, don't follow me. And I don't want dinner.
And sana could only watch helplessly as he entered and slammed the door shut behind him, making her sigh.
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Sana walked into their room 2 hours later, having held herself back from going in sooner as he'd asked her for space. But by the time she'd finished having dinner she'd grown so restless, she just had to.
Sana knocked before opening the door peeking inside slowly. San was sitting on the edge of the bed, elbows on his knees and his hands gripping his hair like he was trying to hold himself together. Sana let out a small sigh as she stepped in and closed the door behind her
Sana : are you okay?
San : I can't do this.
Sana's eyes softened as she quickly walked towards him, kneeling down in front of him as she whispered
Sana : hey…you can. You know you can san.
San shook his head, his breathing uneven as his voice cracked
San : no, you don't get it. It's not just wanting it, it's like my whole body is screaming at me. I can't think, I can't even fucking see anything anymore. I-I need it sana…
Sana : it's the addiction, san-ah. It's not you-
San : I DON'T CARE WHAT IT IS! It's there and I just can't fucking shut it up!
Sana : okay! Okay, then we'll just sit with it okay?
San : I DON’T WANT TO SIT WITH IT, I WANT IT GONE!
Sana paused for a second, feeling her heart drop just a bit as she realized how angry san actually was. She sighed before shaking her head slowly
Sana : san-ah…
San let out a shaky breath, his eyes filling up with tears as he noticed the hurt on sana's face. He was shouting at her again, he promised he wouldn't and yet here he was. He was failing, at everything.
San : I'm sorry. I'm so sorry baby I just feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like I'm going to crawl out of my own skin.
Sana stared at san for a few seconds before getting up and sitting on the bed beside him, holding her hand out for him to hold, palm up. San stared at it for a while before grabbing hold of it, tugging her towards his lap as he whispered brokenly
San : please…
Sana quickly got into his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck and cradling the back of his head against her chest as san finally collapsed against her. His forehead pressed into her shoulder, his body shaking as he choked out
San : I hate this. I hate this so much.
Sana stroked his hair softly, pressing a kiss to his forehead as she whispered gently
Sana : I know. I know, san-ah.
San sobbed softly, tears falling down his eyes as he felt frustration seep up at her words again "I know". But she didn't know, and so he shook his head desperately as he said hoarsely
San : I was fine before. I was fine and now everything feels wrong and it's your-
San stopped himself at that, the image of sana crying a few days back flashing through his mind again. Fuck, what was he doing?
Sana : say it.
San shut his eyes tightly against her shoulder as he choked out
San : no.
Sana : you were going to blame me.
San shook his head immediately, his tone panicked now as he whispered brokenly
San : I didn't mean it. I swear I didn't-
Sana : it's okay.
San pulled back at her resigned tone, tears falling down his eyes as he cradled her face with his trembling hand
San : I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.
Sana : I know, you're hurting.
San : so I just hurt you instead? When all you've done is try and help me?
Sana smiled shakily, not saying anything. But he sees the pain in her eyes, the tears she's trying to hold back and that guts him
San : I'm doing exactly what he did. I'm snapping at you, ignoring you, making you feel like you're the problem-
Sana : hey…hey no. san…
Sana grabbed his face gently, stroking his wet cheeks
Sana : no san, you're trying. He didn't try, never did.
Sana pressed a soft kiss against his forehead as she whispered
Sana : you're here, you're fighting this. You're not laughing at me, or dismissing me. You're struggling, and that's different.
San's eyes filled with tears again, sniffling as he lowered his head and whispered brokenly
San : I don't feel different, I feel worse. I feel weak.
Sana : that's okay, it's okay baby. That's the first part, it will get better. You're brave, you're so strong. I know you can do this.
San let out a quiet sob as he pressed his face back against her chest and sana held him tightly against her, rocking him gently as she stroked his back soothingly and whispered
Sana : shh, I've got you. I love you.
____________________________________________
A month later :
Sana had never felt prouder and happier, san had been a month clean and things seemed to be going well for him. The first week had been hell, he would snap at her all the time and then break down, he would wake up in the middle of the night sweating and reaching for a cigarette that wouldn't even be there. And throughout it all sana had helped him.
But he'd gotten better now. He was focusing on work better, he wasn't snappy at her anymore and he seemed to return back to the cheerful soft san she knew. She was so proud of him, of them and what they had accomplished.
And then it happened, he relapsed. It hadn't even been at a party, san was just sitting outside on a bench when the person sitting next to him started smoking. They offered him one and san stared at it for a while, he felt the familiar desire for it and this time sana wasn't there to hold him back. Just one, he thought, he could handle just one.
And so san took the cigarette and allowed the man to light it up for him, the first drag felt like relief, it felt like heaven. And then it hit him, guilt, sana. San exhaled the smoke quickly, almost making him cough as he threw the cigarette to the floor and stood up. He heard the stranger say something behind him but he was spiraling already. He rushed back to his apartment building, muttering curses under his breath. How was he going to tell sana this? But he had to.
And so san quickly rushed into their apartment, his eyes falling on sana who was cooking something in the kitchen humming a happy tune. Sana smiled widely as she looked up and saw san
Sana : hi there. You were gone for a while-
Sana cut herself off as she really looked at san, seeing the mess he was. The sweat clinging to his skin, the way he was panting, that look in his eyes.
Sana : san?
San said nothing, couldn't. Sana slowly placed the spatula back onto the pan as she whispered
Sana : did you…
San nodded, just once, small. He couldn't get words out but that nod was enough for sana, he saw the way her face hardened. The immediate disappointment in it.
Sana : oh my god. San, seriously?
San : I…I didn't mean to-
Sana : you didn't mean to? You just accidentally lit a fucking cigarette san?
San : I was trying, I swear. It just…it got too much and the guy next to me was smoking and I thought-
Sana : and you thought what! That one wouldn't matter? That it wouldn't set you back?
San stared at the floor shamefully as sana raised her voice, his hands trembling as he clutched them together and mumbled a sorry. Sana let out a disbelieving scoff as she threw her apron to the floor and walked towards him angrily
Sana : I've been here with you through all this, san. Everything, every breakdown, every mood swing, every time you snapped at me-
San : I know. I know, I'm so sorry-
Sana : and the second it gets hard again, you just go back? Do you even want to quit, san? Or was that all just a façade you put up because I was crying and begging and presenting you with my stupid sob story?
San felt his breath stutter at her words, tears filling his eyes. How could she think that? Couldn't she see how hard this had been on him too?
San : I do want to quit sana, of course I do. I swear I do, I just-
Sana : then why does it feel like I'm the only one fighting for it?
San let out a shaky breath, lowering his head as he whispered
San : I messed up, I failed you.
Sana : you did.
That does it, that confirmation from sana and the look in her eyes. It broke him, made him feel that horrible breathless feeling in his lungs. San shook his head, tears falling down his eyes as he whispered
San : I ruined it. I ruined everything, I knew I would, I knew I couldn't do this and-
San cut himself off as he fell to his knees in front of sana, hugging her legs desperately as he whimpered and choked out
San : I'm never going to get better. I'm just like this, I can't stop, I can't-
Sana watched in part horror as san sobbed loudly against her legs, the sound hurting her. And then she felt it, the desperate inhales he was trying to take in and failing. Oh no.
Sana : san-
San : I can't. I can't breathe, sana I can't…
Sana's eyes softened immediately at that, the anger melting away as she could now see how bad this was affecting him too. She had promised to help him, not break him. Sana quickly lowered herself, her hand coming to hold his as she said softly
Sana : hey, hey no no. San, look at me. Come on.
San couldn't, his vision blurred as his chest heaved, his body folding in on itself as he whispered breathlessly
San : I messed up. I messed up, I messed up-
Sana : it's okay. It's okay. Look at me, breathe with me.
Sana cupped his face, forcing him to focus on her as she pressed her forehead against his
San : I-I can't…
Sana : yes you can. In through your nose, come on. With me.
Sana breathed slowly, exaggerating it as she waited for san to follow. He tried and failed as he choked on it. Sana felt her heart drop as she pulled him into her arms, holding the back of his head and pressing him into her shoulder as she pressed a long kiss to his head
Sana : it's okay, it's okay. I'm here, yeah?
San sobbed into her shoulders desperately, clutching at her shirt as he tried to breathe. The familiar smell of hospitals and surgery on her, and that floral perfume she always wore. It always helped
San : I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I didn't want to disappoint you, I didn't want to-
Sana : you didn't ruin anything, you hear me? One mistake doesn't erase everything, we try again hmm?
San : but I saw your face. You were so disappointed, I hate that I did that to you-
Sana : shh shh.
Sana stroked his back gently, cradling him even closer to her as she pressed a kiss against his wet cheek soothingly
Sana : I was angry, I was. But…I shouldn't have snapped at you like that, you were sorry and you didn't mean for it to happen and I know how hard you try. I'm sorry.
San : no you had every right-
Sana : sweetheart.
Sana gently pulled back just enough to look at him, cradling his face as she stroked at the tears on his cheek
Sana : relapse is part of quitting, it doesn't mean you failed it just means it's hard. When you ride a cycle for the first time when you're young and you fall again and again you don't give up right? You keep going, and that's what teaches you, helps you be stronger. This is the same.
San sniffled, his lips wobbling as he whispered
San : I feel like I failed.
Sana : mm then we try again, yes?
San looked up at sana with his teary eyes, his face a mess as he whispered
San : we?
Sana : yeah. Yes baby, we. You don't have to do it alone.
And that broke him all over again as san collapsed into her, arms wrapping around her tightly as he sobbed into her shoulder
San : I love you. I love you so much. So, so much. More than anything. I don't deserve you.
Sana smiled shakily as she pressed kisses against his head, rocking them gently as she rubbed his back gently
Sana : then get better, and prove me wrong.
San nodded, pulling back before pressing his wet trembling lips against hers. He promised himself then that he would never take up a cigarette again, and sana promised herself that if he did, she would stay by him nonetheless and go through the whole process again if need be. That was what loving someone meant, and now they'd both realized it.
And that, was the last time san ever picked up a cigarette and the last time sana ever had to smell one on him.
Pairing : Jeong Yunho (Ateez) and named character (Kim Yeona)
_____________________
Yeona was now sitting on the old couch next to yunho as he switched channels on the TV to one that hosted a late night comedy show, adjusting herself to try and feel comfortable. This was nothing like the expensive leather couches she had back in her penthouse, and safe to say she missed them.
Yunho : my grandma and I used to watch this show ever since I was little for as long as I could remember, it was like our ritual.
Yeona : is that old woman quite literally the only human contact you've had your entire life?
Yunho's smile faltered a bit as he looked back down at the remote and shrugged softly
Yunho : well uhm…my mom died at childbirth and my dad uh…was a drunkard and left as soon as my mom got pregnant. Which was when my grandma came over here, to take care of my mom during her pregnancy. But then she…well there were complications at birth and ever since I was a baby my grandma had been taking care of me.
Yeona stared at yunho as he finished his life story, sighing as she leaned back against the couch and faced the TV before mumbling
Yeona : never asked for your life history but here we are.
Yunho : are you always like this with everyone? It's like I can't say a single personal thing about me to you-
Yeona : yes because if you were to go around where I come from and say stuff like this to everyone you meet, they could take advantage of you at a later point. It won't help you.
Yunho : ad-advantage of my dead grandma and parents?
Yeona : no, of these stupid information about your life that you just give out to random strangers. No one ever really does that back in the city.
Yunho : well, we are not in the city right now. People here talk openly with each other always.
Yeona : probably why everyone is always up in someone else's ass. Just half an hour ago I saw that neighbor aunty just stare right into your cabin window and then at my car outside almost as if she wanted to steal it.
Yunho : she does not! Aunt jo is a very good and kind lady, she was probably just curious.
Yeona : because the last time any woman stepped into this cabin was probably the last time your grandma went to buy some eggs and came back.
Yunho : alright then, I'll just shut up for the remainder of the night and until you leave, yeah? Apparently you could take advantage of a poor carpenter because he told you that he was an orphan with no family and lived awfully alone.
Yunho huffed and turned back to face the TV as he switched on the comedy show and began watching it. Yeona sighed and leaned back as she turned to watch it as well, picking at her fingers. For the entire duration of the show yunho would laugh as soon as a joke was made, joining in with the people on TV all while yeona just sat there, contemplating things in her head. She didn't find the comedy funny, not when her mind was plagued with the future.
She had nowhere to go after this, of course she could keep driving but she'd been driving for a week now and she direly needed some rest in a place. She'd earlier thought she could just rent a motel far enough and stay there until she was ready to go back but it seemed dangerous now, as she moved farther away from the city more and more the laws and regulations would get lesser and lesser. The last thing she wanted to do was die.
This seemed convenient, yeona thought as she looked around the small cabin, especially since yunho didn't watch the news and wouldn't know about the truth, and because he didn't have anyone and seemed vulnerable. This seemed like the better choice, as much as she found him weird. And as much as she felt like she was taking advantage of his vulnerability and naivete.
Yeona : I'm sorry.
Yunho paused at that, turning his head away from the screen to face her with a small frown
Yunho : what?
Yeona : I'm sorry for being harsh, earlier. About your grandma, and parents, it was insensitive of me. Really.
Yunho stared at yeona for a few seconds before sighing and leaning back against the couch
Yunho : what do you want?
Yeona : what?
Yunho : no you don't have to play the game, I know you want something from me. No other way would you come down from your high chair to apologize to someone like me, I also know you probably didn't mean the apology. You just want something and wish to coerce me with this apology. So what is it that you want, fuel? Food for the go? Obviously not money-
Yeona : a place to stay.
Yunho : yes you already have that as you can see-
Yeona : no. No not just for today, I mean for a few days more. Maybe a week, or two. I…I just need some time to cool off and…your hom-sorry, house, seems like a good choice.
Yunho : excuse me? You want to stay in my cabin for two more weeks? You?
Yeona : yes. But I will pay, really well. If…there's an ATM machine somewhere close by that is.
Yunho : there is, but-
Yeona : then it is settled. You get paid well, I will confine within myself and make sure not to cause you much trouble. It's basically easy free cash-
Yunho : the cigars too.
Yeona : oh.
Yunho : I agree only if you give me half of those.
Yeona : you make a hard bargain, mr carpenter.
Yunho : electricity bills, water bills, grocery bills, taxes-
Yeona : right okay! Even though I'm sure neither of those come up to the cost of those cigars but fine, deal.
Yunho looked at yeona and nodded before standing up with a sigh
Yunho : please don't make me regret this.
Yeona : what could you regret? A pretty rich woman like me all cooped up in your precious grandma's room, lonely and alone. Food to greet you when you come back from work-
Yunho : yeah no we don't get neither of those things around here.
Yeona : I can pay double.
Yunho : can't eat money, miss millionaire.
Yunho switched the TV off and walked towards his room as yeona called out
Yeona : thank you again!
Yunho : I know you don't mean it!
Yunho walked into his room and shut the door as yeona sighed and leaned back against the couch before mumbling
Yeona : I did this time.
______________________________
Yeona woke up the next day, her heightened morning senses smelling the cedar and dust that clung around the entire cabin. She grunted as she stretched her body, the thin blanket wrapped around her legs causing her discomfort as she pushed it away annoyingly. She had sensory overload in the mornings, and her penthouse had been equipped to deal with that with closed curtains that made the room dark until she got used to the light, soundproof walls and heated mattresses for comfort. None of that was here.
Yeona shut her eyes tightly against the bright sunlight that the thin curtains failed to conceal, groaning softly as she covered her ears from the chitter chattering outside the thin walls. She couldn't even cover her face with the blanket like she used to do in her parents' house because the blanket was thin and had a rough texture that would just irritate her skin even more.
She let out a shaky breath and got off the bed, opening the door harshly and walking out with an irritated frown
Yunho : I see you're not a morning person, as expected.
Yeona : shut up.
Yunho raised his eyebrows at her harsh tone as yeona walked to where he was cooking, peering into the food as she made a disgusted face
Yeona : I'm not eating that.
Yunho : what, it's just bread and baked beans. It's really yum and I have poached eggs on the side-
Yeona : that doesn't make it better, and you talk too much in the morning it's hurting my ears.
Yunho : wow, way to treat your host, huh? Well if you don't like beans there's some homemade orange marmalade that aunt jo made-
Yeona : I don't like orange flavored things.
Yunho : there's mango jam or something-
Yeona : no.
Yunho : then eat sleep for breakfast, go back to bed.
Yeona : don't be a dick!
Yunho : you're the one who came in here all rude and grumpy-
Yeona : because you're giving me stupid baked beans and bread. Even peasants have better-
Yunho : no, peasants usually don't get food for breakfast so you're actually wrong-
Yeona : I DIDN'T ASK YOU WHETHER I WAS RIGHT OR WRONG!
Yunho flinched at the loud yell, yeona staring at him angrily as yunho felt irritation seep up his bones at how harsh yeona was being in the morning. It was unfair, and hurt when yunho was excited to make breakfast for her and greet her with a happy face. Instead now she was just being angry and spoiling everything. And so he clenched his jaw as he mumbled
Yunho : then maybe you should take that stupid car of yours and pack yourself back into the city yeah? Eat poached rabbits and caviar for breakfast.
Yeona : what?
Yunho : well stop being a pretentious little brat and have some shame yeona! Coming into someone else's house and yelling at them for making you breakfast. I'm so sorry this is all I have here for god's sake! If you don't like it then you can get the hell out!
Yeona : I am not a brat-
Yunho : yes you are and you just ruined my morning! You've ruined my morning and my appetite! I thought last night that breakfast would be nice since I have company for the first time in years but damn that! I would've preferred being alone over your pathetic pretentious little self!
Yeona stared at yunho with slightly surprised eyes, yunho seeing a tad bit of hurt in them before she quickly turned and stormed back into her room and shut the door. Yunho let out a breath as he rubbed his face, regretting what he said almost immediately. Maybe she wasn't a morning person and wasn't used to meager meals like this, yunho didn't have to be so angry with her.
And so he walked towards her room and knocked gently before slowly opening it and peeking inside. He saw yeona sitting on the edge of the bed picking at her hands, tapping her feet incessantly against the wooden floorboard as yunho sighed
Yunho : I-I didn't mean that, I'm sorry. That was rude and…and unnecessary, I'll try not to let it happen again.
Yunho waited for some kind of response but yeona just sat there, staring into the floor
Yunho : well I…I can go into the market later after breakfast and buy some more supplies, yeah? Make better food with them and we can have good lunch together if that's okay with you.
Yeona pressed her lips together as she continued picking at her hands, yunho frowning softly before saying again
Yunho : I mean it, yeona, I'm sorry. I'll make you better food after getting groceries from the market today. I just…I just didn't expect you to be here and eat with me so I-I don't have any good supplies at hand.
Yeona : I want to come along.
Yunho paused at that as yeona looked up at him and mumbled plainly
Yeona : to the market, I want to see.
Yunho : of course. Of course you can come along, we-we'll leave in an hour.
Yeona nodded and looked back away, her tapping on the wooden board lessening. Yunho rubbed the back of his neck as he mumbled carefully
Yunho : there's some butter if you'd like, a-and toasted bread. For…breakfast? If you want?
Yeona looked up at yunho again and just as he was about to say that it was okay she didn't have anything yeona got up and walked past him with a huff, heading back into the kitchen gruffly. Yunho breathed out a sigh of relief as he muttered under his breath
Yunho : I'm definitely not getting paid enough for this.
________________________________
Yunho stood next to the main door counting the money he had left in his old worn out wallet, hoping he had enough to buy all that he'd need to feed his precious little highness. They were supposed to leave to the market half an hour ago but yeona was late, and the last thing yunho wanted was to ask her what she was doing so long and get into another argument.
Yunho looked up as the door finally opened, yeona stepping out in a polka dotted off-shoulder dress and a big straw hat that covered her entire head and more, big sunglasses and red lipstick that shone brighter than the sun outside.
Yunho : you…are going to stick out like a sore thumb.
Yeona shrugged as she walked to him, her heels clicking against the floor as she mumbled
Yeona : I do not own peasant clothes.
Yunho : right now you look like you're heading for the soap opera, yeona.
Yeona : and you look like you're going to act in one, as the poor peasant who gets brutally killed in the end.
Yunho : you are going to get yourself killed by breaking a bone wearing heels like that in the desert.
Yeona : they're Ferragamo.
Yunho frowned as he shut the cabin door behind him and walked to his pick up truck before mumbling
Yunho : you say that like it's supposed to explain everything.
Yeona gave him a look before opening the door to the passenger seat of his truck, getting in with a huff. Yunho followed right after and started the truck as yeona fixed her sunglasses
Yeona : I hope we don't break down in the middle of the road, the sand is harsh on my skin.
Yunho : don't worry, this truck is probably older than you and highly experienced. It'll go well.
Yeona rolled her eyes in exasperation before leaning back against her seat with crossed arms as she mumbled
Yeona : so the truck's running on thoughts and prayers too rather than gas.
________________________________
Yunho got out of the truck as he looked around the market with a small sigh, yeona walking to his side as she adjusted her straw hat that almost acted as an umbrella for her entire body at this point. She looked around with a frown, noticing the way people oddly stared at her as if she belonged to another planet
Yeona : why is everyone dressed like it's the 50's?
Yunho : they're staring at you, I told you that you would stick out like a sore thumb.
Yeona : not my fault none of you have the slightest bit of fashion in your lives. It's miserable.
Yunho sighed and walked to the familiar market stalls, smiling at people and nodding politely as yeona followed him and stared around curiously
Yunho : you have to stop staring like that, it's creeping people out.
Yeona : is there anything I can do freely in this cursed town of yours?
Yunho rolled his eyes and stopped at one of the first stalls to buy some fresh fruits and veggies, greeting the grandma as if she were his playschool teacher
Yunho : I'll have a bit of everything please, I've run out on almost all of them.
The grandma chuckled and nodded as she began packing up small portions of the fruits and vegetables she sold while secretly eyeing yeona who was standing with her hands behind her back
Grandma : is she with you, yunho-ya?
Yunho : oh, yes! Uhm, halmeoni meet kim yeona, and yeona, this is shin yoojung, she was one of my grandma's best friends.
Yeona nodded at the grandma politely, her face still bland as she said in a plain tone
Yeona : nice to meet you.
Yunho groaned internally at her tone before leaning closer to her ear and whispering
Yunho : can't you at least grace her with a smile?
Yeona frowned at yunho before looking back at the grandma and forcing a smile
Yeona : do you grow them without fertilizers then?
The grandma stared at her absurdly as yeona shrugged softly
Yeona : I mean, it is a desert. How do you grow these things in this horrible unfertile sand-
Yunho : they have a separate land a bit away from here that's more fertile, they just…transport it here regularly for us.
Yeona : oh then you must definitely use some kind of injections to keep them fresh-
Yunho : yes that will be enough, how much will that be halmeoni?
Yunho cut yeona off quickly as he spoke to the grandma who already seemed to dislike yeona, yeona frowning at her and then at yunho. Why was everything she did wrong here? It was just a simple obvious question, and this grandma was giving her the looks ever since the beginning as if she'd snatched her favorite necklace from her.
Grandma : 27,000 won.
Yunho nodded and handed the cash over to her before grabbing the bags as yeona sighed and started walking to the next stall. Yunho looked at the grandma and smiled awkwardly
Yunho : she just…comes from a very different place with very different values, I'm sorry halmeoni.
Grandma : oh well, I hope she isn't intending to stay very long. You deserve better.
Yunho gave the grandma another small smile before waving as he followed yeona to the next stall
Yeona : I did not like that old lady
Yunho : worry not, for the feelings are entirely mutual.
Yeona : excuse me? All I asked her was an honest question and she started giving me the attitude as if I asked for her son's hand in marriage!
Yunho : you were being rude yeona, implying that she was using fertilizers and artificial medicines on her fruits. It's not a good look-
Yeona : then maybe she should stop lying and own up to it instead of acting like a little shi-
Yunho : yeona, stop. She is older than us, have some respect.
Yeona : respect is earned, she isn't deserving of any just because her parents got into it before ours.
Yunho let out an exasperated breath and turned to the next person who was selling a bunch of milk products as yeona stood next to him with crossed arms. This was a younger man around their same age who immediately smirked as he saw yeona next to yunho
Seojin : jesus christ, what a catch man!
Yeona frowned indignantly as yunho let out an embarrassed chuckle and patted seojin's arm
Yunho : well no…this is kim yeona and she is just staying with me for a week-
Seojin : only a week!
Yeona : might be shorter, this town grows on my nerves already.
Seojin : but you haven't seen the best parts of it!
Yeona raised her eyebrows at that as yunho sighed and mumbled to her
Yunho : yeona this is park seojin, in your terms he would qualify as the playboy equivalent of this town. Don't mind him.
Yeona : oh I certainly don’t.
Seojin : ah I'll take that as a compliment, thank you miss kim-
Yeona : don't, it wasn't meant to be.
Seojin : ooh she bites! Does she bite in the bedroom too hmm?
Seojin smirked suggestively at yunho as he just let out another awkward chuckle and began asking him to pack up the required groceries. Yeona stared at yunho in part anger, upset that he hadn't said something to defend her from this absolute pervert. What a shitshow.
Soon enough they'd gotten back into the truck with a bunch of grocery bags, yunho placing them in the back seat with a grunt before getting on the driver's seat. He looked over at yeona who was sitting with crossed arms and a face that he now knew well
Yunho : what is it?
Yeona : what is what?
Yunho : you're all snappy again.
Yeona : whatever gave you that idea.
Yunho : is it because of halmeoni?
Yeona : there's worse.
Yunho : then what is it-
Yeona : are you going to be asking the same when you rent me out to park seojin for the night?
Yunho frowned, staring at yeona with shocked indignant eyes
Yunho : do you think that low of me, yeona?
Yeona : he was practically undressing me with his eyes and making inappropriate comments. And what did you do, huh? You stood there laughing and patting his back as if he'd just won the fucking Olympics.
Yunho : yeona he's the sheriff's son-
Yeona : I don't give two shits! He was disrespecting me and you let it happen, did he talk this way to your grandmother too? Did you let him?
Yunho : of course not-
Yeona : THEN WHY WOULD YOU LET HIM DO IT TO ME-
Yunho : because I loved my grandmother! She raised me, she loved me, she cared for me! You aren't any of that to me, hell you've barely even showed me the slightest bit of empathy! All you've done is belittle me and my town and look down on me and be all snappy. How can you compare what I would do for my grandma with what I would do for practically a stranger yeona. It makes no sense.
Yeona looked away and straight back ahead at his words, her feet tapping again, her hands fidgeting. Yunho let out a breath as he noticed it, shutting his eyes tightly
Yunho : I'm s-
Yeona : don't.
Yunho : he is the sheriff's son-
Yeona : I do not have short term memory loss-
Yunho : you don't understand, he is the sheriff's son and I hate him but I put up with him because otherwise it will ruin me. His father is a powerful man and loves his son, if I say so much as a word against him he will torture me to the ends of Earth, yeona. He will take my house away, my job away, banish me from this town, and I will have nothing. He's done it before, and he'll do it again.
Yeona : done it before to who?
Yunho : my grandfather. He…that's why my grandmother left and came back only when my mom got pregnant and really needed her. If they had been there earlier maybe they would've stopped my mom from marrying my horrible father but they weren't, my mom was alone in this town and scared and my dad just…he just took advantage of it. That sheriff ruined my mom's life, he can ruin mine if he wanted.
Yeona stared at yunho in part surprise as yunho pressed his lips together, inhaling shakily and starting the truck
Yunho : you will leave soon, yeona, and I will be alone again in this town. I…this is just what I have to do to survive, I'm sorry.
_______________________________
Yeona : I will cook lunch.
Yunho scoffed as he continued unpacking the grocery from the bags, not having uttered a word after their argument in the truck
Yunho : I don't want my kitchen in flames.
Yeona : I can cook without causing a fire
Yunho : have you tried?
Yeona : will you let me try?
Yunho sighed as he finished unpacking the last item before putting the bags away and standing straight to face yeona
Yunho : what will you cook then?
Yeona : I was thinking a simple rice bowl. Steamed rice, fried chicken, nice vegetables with some good sauce and seasoning.
Yunho hummed and looked around at his supplies before mumbling
Yunho : the only sauce I have is mayonnaise and tomato sa-
Yeona : mayonnaise will do well.
Yunho pressed his lips together and nodded before stepping back
Yunho : fine, the floor is yours.
Yeona let out a breath and nodded as she washed her hands and began to cook a proper dish for the first time in her life. And as yunho watched her go about it he found it more funnier than anything else he'd seen before. She was terrible, but she was trying, and that made it even funnier.
Yeona : yes yes, stand there and snicker all you want but you will be shocked at how good the end result is.
Yunho : I wonder if it'll even be edible at that point.
Yeona turned over her shoulder to give yunho a look before nodding to the dining table
Yeona : get me my cigar and the lighter, clearly I’m going to need it.
Yunho huffed and went to grab them, coming back to her and holding them out as he frowned
Yunho : even your lighter has to cost a kidney?
Yeona : it doesn't cost a kidney, don't exaggerate. And put it on me, come on. Can't you see my hands are occupied?
Yunho looked at her stirring the bowl and sighed before slowly placing the cigar against her lips, stepping closer to light it. And as he did yunho stared at her up close for the first time, her skin flawless and as pristine as her, her breath falling against his hand and her entire self smelling like something so good he was probably undeserving of it. And her lips-
Yeona : thank you, you can step back now.
Yunho pressed his lips together and nodded quickly before stepping back, putting the lighter away. Yeona smirked, blowing the smoke out as she looked at the bowl she was stirring diligently
Yeona : I think this will all come together really nicely.
Yunho bit his lips together and nodded, feeling his heart thud against his chest. Yep.
Pairing : Jeong Yunho (Ateez) and named character (Kim Yeona)
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Synopsis : Kim Yeona has lived a luxurious life filled with money and riches her entire life, a high paying job and supercars. Then her life drops to the ground, forcing her to flee from the city into the desert lands, filled with people who’s known nothing except mediocre jobs and a mediocre cut off life.
Jeong Yunho leads exactly that sort of a life, a carpenter who lives in a small two roomed cabin in a very small town with barely anything to do for entertainment, a far far cry from the life yeona’s led.
So when they cross paths at a diner, his worn out truck next to her shiny ferrari it’s two worlds colliding. What caused Yeona to flee, and will yunho be able to crack that out of her and start a life away from the only few square kilometres he’s known his whole life?
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A/n : inspired by the Americana dream sort of aesthetic, cowboy hats and dusty diners and a red vintage car travelling through it all.
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Yeona let out a breath as she parked her car in front of the old diner along the highway, her hands on the wheel loosening. It had been half a day of driving through the baren desert streets and passing along small towns with a dozen or so one story cabins along the way, and every time she would see those cabins set against a baren desert-like land with barely anything around them, she wondered what people living there did every day.
She grew up in the closest suburb to the city, both her parents surgeons. And then she'd moved deeper into the city as a corporate lawyer and lived a decade there with fast supercars and expensive restaurants that charged you 20 dollars just for being late. It was a fast paced life, always something to do and always something happening around you. And then something had happened to her.
So she'd packed up a few essentials, gotten her car and driven out of her penthouse and to this place. The place that people went through only to get to a better place, never staying long enough.
She could see why, it was boring. The best place to just rot away.
Yeona let out a breath and got off her car, grabbing only her wallet as she walked into the old diner. She looked around the dimly lit place with tired eyes, the red lights giving it a gloomy glow as a single couple sat at the front sharing a milkshake and two girl friends seated just behind them having cheeseburgers. What did they even have to talk about living in a place like this, yeona wondered as she walked to the corner booth and sat down.
Waiter : you passing by, miss?
Yeona looked up at the waiter that had just walked to her with a worn out menu, sighing softly as she took it and shrugged
Yeona : don't know.
Waiter : well, people like you never stay.
Yeona frowned at that as she ran her eyes along the menu
Yeona : and what is that supposed to mean?
Waiter : you know…
The waiter said dismissively as he shrugged at her Ferrari Daytona parked outside. Yeona sighed as she looked at it and then back at the waiter before returning the menu as she said
Yeona : the cheeseburger with extra cheese, large fries and a strawberry milkshake please. Thanks.
The waiter hummed and nodded as he grabbed the menu and walked away. Yeona let out a breath as she buried her face against her hands, trying to work things out in her head. It had been two days of her travelling and she couldn't sleep in the car anymore. She needed to find a motel to stay for the night, she needed a bed and a proper bathroom instead of dirty diner and gas station bathrooms.
But every motel just looked so worn out, like no one lived there.
??? : nice car.
Yeona flinched as she quickly looked back up, seeing a man around her age now sitting on the seat opposite hers. She frowned as she eyed him, bright eyes, wide smile, and a worn out discolored yellow check shirt.
Yeona : who are you?
Yunho : oh I'm jeong yunho!
Yunho held his hand out and then paused as he realized yeona wasn't going to take it
Yeona : I don't care what your name is, I just don't understand who you actually are.
Yunho pulled his hand back with a grimace as he said
Yunho : oh, I'm a carpenter.
Yeona : what?
Yunho : well, you know I make things with wood and repair-
Yeona : yes I know what a carpenter does.
Yunho : right.
Yeona : I just don't understand what you repairing wood has to do with me. My car isn't made out of wood, as you can see and I don't live here.
Yunho : can I only talk to you if I have a reason to?
Yeona : yes.
Yunho : oh.
The waiter came back with yeona's food and smiled as he saw yunho, patting his back and mumbling something before placing the food in front of yeona and walking away. She soon began eating, hungry as yunho just watched her before saying
Yunho : okay so, where are you from?
Yeona didn't even look up at yunho as she just continued eating her burger, dipping her fries in ketchup
Yunho : um, I don't know if you heard my question but-
Yeona : where would I have to live to be able to afford a car like that, mr jeong?
Yunho : right. The city.
Yeona hummed as she just continued having her food, taking some sips of the milkshake. Yunho sighed before leaning forward against the table as he said
Yunho : I've uh…well I rarely ever see people like you, you know? Because well, I grew up here and never went out of town and…like, this is all I know. 28 years and this is all I've seen and known. So when I see this flashy car outside and someone like you sitting here it just…you know, curiosity? I'm just…I just want to talk. I'm not hoping you hop in the car with me and have…
Yunho trailed off, gesturing his hands suggestively. Yeona hummed, still not looking a him as she said casually
Yeona : sex.
Yunho pressed his lips together, nodding shakily
Yunho : right, yes. That. Not that, just talking. And then you can go your way and I can go my way and-
Yeona : I need a place to stay.
Yunho paused at that, blinking his eyes in confusion. Yeona sighed as she finally looked up at him having finished her burger, taking a sip of the milkshake as she eyed his confused self for a second before saying
Yeona : motel? A bed, bathroom?
Yunho : oh! Oh yes, sure we can arrange that.
Yeona : mhmm.
Yunho : except there's uh, n-no motels around here?
Yeona frowned as she stared at him intently, making yunho clear his throat as he shifted in his seat
Yunho : I mean, there is one-
Yeona : then it is arranged.
Yunho : no it isn't! You can't…you can't stay there.
Yeona : why, do they shelter dinosaurs in the basement?
Yunho : what?
Yeona : dinosaurs? You know, big reptiles that went extinct-
Yunho : of course I know what a dino is! I'm not that…anyway. Point is, you cannot stay in that motel. It is a dangerous place, for-for people like you.
Yeona : why do you people keep saying that? People like me, what am I a 7 year old innocent Christian girl?
Yunho : well bad people stay there after dark. There's barely anything to do around here so, one gets bored and…finds other means to entertain. Bad means.
Yeona didn’t blame them, she was in this town for half an hour and was already rusting away from boredom
Yeona : as in, sexual intercourse?
Yunho : no! I mean yes, but not just that. Other worse things.
Yeona : so BDSM?
Yunho : the hell is that?
Yeona : bondage, discipline, submission-
Yunho : okay thanks, enlightening. Yes maybe that, and other more violent things. If a lady like you goes there and stays they're…going to take advantage of that. It won't end well.
Yeona looked around the diner as she sighed
Yeona : so this is a horrible town.
Yunho : no it's not! It's only the motel that's bad and it's a bit further away from the main town so we don't really…you know, it's okay for us.
Yeona : that's what they all say.
Yeona raised her hand to motion for the bill as she finished her milkshake and pulled out her card from the wallet
Yunho : what…you're leaving already?
Yeona : yes?
Yunho : but you can't go to the motel! I'm telling you it's dangerous-
Yeona : I'll take your word for it, mr carpenter. I'm driving to the next town.
Yunho : the next town is almost 7 hours away.
Yeona : I have a full fuel-
Yunho : you don't have a full sun.
Yeona : what is a full sun-
Yunho : it was meant to be a joke, clearly it failed. I meant to say that it is almost evening now, and if you travel now you will have to drive overnight and I don't think that's a good idea.
Yeona scoffed as she said sarcastically
Yeona : for someone who's not gone past a few square kilometres his whole life you do seem to know quite a lot, mr jeong.
Yunho : I mean, I have heard stories of people travelling alone at night.
Yeona : mm. You see that car out there, carpenter? Goes over 300 km per hour, anyone who's planning to have me for dinner in a scary motel would need a train to catch me.
Yunho : that’s not the point.
Yeona : what is your point then, mr jeong? You come up to a random lady, order her around, tell her to do this and not do this. You must be very popular among the ladies here huh?
Yunho : are people from the city always this rude?
Yeona : rude? If I remember correctly you were the one who’s been demanding things off of a random stranger and then playing the pity card with me saying you’re a loner, lives a pathetic life-
Yunho : pathetic life?!
Yeona : oh look around you, mr jeong. It is a pathetic life. What even do you do around here?
Yunho : live?
Yeona : survive.
Yunho : you are very rude! I just wanted to talk to you, and I wasn’t even asking for pity I was just saying the truth-
Yeona : the truth being that your life is very pitiful.
Yunho : why would you say that! All I’ve done is help you! If it weren’t for me you would’ve gone to that motel and been molested by a bunch of men and then your life would’ve been more pitiful than mine.
Yeona : excuse me?
Yunho : you heard what I said! All I wanted to do was just talk to you and help you and you’ve insulted me in return for it. I…do with your life what you will. Be a rude, cruel, unempathetic prick and do what you will.
Yunho got up and stalked out the diner just as the waiter walked up to yeona and placed the bill on the table. Yeona reached for her card as she mumbled
Yeona : I’ll be using the card.
Waiter : oh we accept only cash.
Yeona stared up at the waiter in disbelief before letting out an annoyed breath, reaching back into her wallet for a twenty dollar bill before putting it on the counter. The waiter nodded and left as yeona rubbed her hand against her face, looking out the window as she could see yunho now walking to his truck. Another worn out, old looking car that yeona had only ever seen in junkyards before.
Yeona stared at him for a few seconds, everything that had gone down in her life suddenly swimming through her head
"You are going to fucking die alone and you know it! Nobody has ever wanted you, yeona, and I don't blame them for it because you are a fucking bitch! Maybe if your parents spent enough time working on you instead of their patients you wouldn't have ended up with a scrambled brain and no heart"
"You warranted the death of innocent people, yeona! Your father and I spent our whole lives saving people day and night, just for you to grow up into this horrible being that takes lives like they're worth nothing instead. Have we failed you that much as parents?"
She remembered everything, the tabloids, the press, blood money. She let out a soft groan before mumbling
Yeona : well fuck it.
Yeona quickly got up and rushed out, almost stumbling in hurry as she walked to yunho and yelled out
Yeona : is your house dangerous too?
Yunho paused as he turned to look at her with a soft frown, yeona panting softly as she said
Yeona : for someone like me?
Yunho : wh-what?
Yeona : well you said it yourself, the road is dangerous at night, so is the motel. So I thought about it-
Yunho : yes.
Yeona : yeah?
Yunho : yeah.
Yeona stared at him for a second before humming, nodding her head as she walked back to her car
Yeona : right, lead the way then.
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Yeona : I think I would've preferred getting assaulted in the motel, frankly.
Yunho frowned in offence as he looked at yeona who was now standing next to her car staring at his cabin house, her hands on her hips
Yunho : it is a humble abode.
Yeona : yes. Keyword, humble. You live like a nun, do you even have a refrigerator in there mr jeong?
Yunho : what, of course I do! Where do you think I store my ice creams?
Yeona : oh you know what an ice-cream is?
Yunho let out a breath in disbelief and walked to her car as he mumbled
Yunho : where do you store your luggage in this car? I don't…see a dickey.
Yeona hummed as she walked to the passenger's seat door and opened it, pulling out two big luggage bags and nodding towards it
Yunho : so you…your passenger princess is a bunch of bags?
Yeona : expensive bags, they're Rimowa.
Yunho : what the hell is that?
Yeona rolled her eyes and walked to the front door of his cabin as she frowned at the sand that was staining her heels, yunho sighing as he grabbed both her bags and followed her into the small veranda. Yeona paused in front of the door as she just plainly eyed the single wood table and chair that was put out in the verandah, not entering the cabin yet
Yunho : what? Why aren't you entering?
Yeona : don't you have to unlock it?
Yunho leaned forward and tilted the knob as the door swung open, yeona staring at it in disbelief
Yunho : we don't have no robbers here.
Yeona : yeah, who would want to rob these houses anyway.
Yeona mumbled as she stepped inside, now looking around the small living room with a small kitchen attached to it on the side and a very small hallway leading further into the cabin
Yunho : there's two rooms so you're in luck
Yunho walked into the hallway and to a room on the side right next to the one at the end of the hallway, stepping inside with the luggage
Yeona : you live alone?
Yunho : used to live with my grandma but she's dead now.
Yeona : did she die in the room that you're going to make me sleep in?
Yunho paused as he turned to face her
Yunho : you're scared of ghosts?
Yeona scoffed as she grabbed her luggage from him and wheeled it to the corner of her new room
Yeona : fuck no, there's worse.
Yunho : like what?
Yeona : oh like this shithole you call a home?
Yunho : it's…a house. Not yet a home for me, not after my grandma died.
Yeona : it's just a word, mr jeong, doesn't have to have a spiritual meaning to it.
Yunho stared at yeona and then sighed as he gestured to the attached bathroom
Yunho : bathroom, bed, table with a chair, window. I'm assuming you already brought along toiletries considering how you are so that shouldn't be a problem. Come out once you're done, I can teach you to make peasant dinner.
Yunho gave her a small sarcastic wave before stepping out and shutting the door behind him. Yeona let out a breath and looked around the room, slightly yellowing wallpaper, wooden floors that creaked when she walked and a very small bed with a floral bedsheet. She poked at the mattress and grumbled at how hard it was, a far cry from the Belgian imported well cushioned mattress she had back in her house that would heat up or cool if she wanted it to. This one was made of coir, and the pillows were just as worse.
She stepped into the bathroom and glanced at the shower head that was just a few centimeters from the toilet, the tiles all gloomy blue and the mirror blurry from use. Yeona then walked to the door and hummed as she locked it before mumbling
Yeona : at least this one has a lock.
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Yeona walked out of the room after having taken a shower and changed clothes, drying her hair as she walked right into the kitchen. Yunho was smoking a cigarette as he scrambled some eggs on a rusty old pan, humming something that sounded almost like nursery rhymes to her
Yeona : that bathroom there was smaller than my pantry.
Yunho looked up at yeona as she walked in, blowing the smoke out before turning back to the pan as he mumbled
Yunho : well, we don't have pantries here and you're staying for free so, cope.
Yeona scoffed as she walked towards him and frowned softly
Yeona : you smoke.
Yunho : mhmm.
Yeona snatched the cigarette from his lips before bringing it to her own, taking a puff and grimacing as she blew it out
Yeona : well this is absolutely horrible, I don't know how you content yourself with this shit.
Yunho let out a small grumble as he grabbed the cigarette back and put it back on his lips, continuing to scramble the eggs
Yunho : when this is all you've known, and not high branded cigars and pipes like you lot have, you're naturally content with it. Apologies if it doesn't please your highness.
Yeona stared at yunho for a second before nodding
Yeona : so what if I do introduce you to an actually good cigar?
Yunho frowned as he transferred the scrambled eggs to two different plates, yeona going back to her room and coming back with a lighter and two cigars. She pushed the plates away and sat on top of the counter, putting a cigar in yunho's mouth and lighting it up
Yunho : if you expect me to pay for this-
Yeona : I don't expect you to be able to, shush and just accept it.
Yunho hummed as he took a long drag of the cigar, his eyes fluttering close as the corner of his lips quirked up slightly
Yeona : yeah?
Yunho : oh, jesus christ. So this is what money tastes like.
Yeona chuckled as she lit up her own cigar as well, yunho leaning to grab the macaroni as she said
Yeona : macaroni and cheese is a surprise, I'd expected us to have gruel when you said peasant dinner.
Yunho : I was being sarcastic.
Yeona : as I understand now.
Yeona got off the counter and walked around the small cabin, eyeing everything with curious eyes as she smoked. Yunho looked over his shoulder as he said
Yunho : so what do you do for a living?
Yeona : I realize you never asked me my name.
Yunho sighed, knowing she was diverting the conversation again as he watched her looking at the small wooden toys he'd once made that lined up the shelves
Yunho : kim yeona.
Yeona paused at that, turning to look at yunho in part shock
Yeona : excuse me?
Yunho : I did not stalk you, we barely get internet connection for an hour a day here. I just…well you have your name engraved on your wallet that you had in the diner so. I merely observed.
Yunho shrugged softly as he added the cheese into the macaroni, continuing to cook as yeona blew the smoke out and mumbled
Yeona : corporate lawyer.
Yunho : of course, you have that air all around you. Corporate lawyers earn as much as to…afford this nice a car then?
Yeona took another puff of her cigar as she sighed, now peering into a photo frame of a younger yunho with an old lady, probably his grandmother
Yeona : I'm a partner in a firm, own shares in a few companies as well.
Yunho : all that and you can't afford a phone?
Yeona : always this observing?
Yunho smiled as he took another puff of his cigar, relishing in the feel of it since this would probably be the last time he ever smoked one.
Yeona : phone detox they call it, plus I'm on vacation.
Yunho : all this money and you chose this place for vacation?
Yeona : what, am I not allowed to have some variety?
Yunho : I mean, yes but it just seems really weird that you don't even have your phone in your hand. Won't your family call you or something?
Yeona clenched her jaw at the reminder of her family, taking another long drag as she sat down on a chair next to the dining table and mumbled
Yeona : no they won't, don't ask more. I'm hungry.
Yunho scoffed, mixing the macaroni and cheese together for the last time as he pinned that hostile reply to familial problems, she probably didn't just take vacation for fun but to also run from her family.
Yunho : very demanding
Yeona : one of my best traits.
Yunho : you're lucky I don't care enough to watch the news on TV and opt to watch comedy shows instead, who knows, you could be some money laundering corporate criminal who killed innocent people.
Yunho chuckled to himself as yeona stared at him, feeling her heart thud. She pressed her lips together and put the cigar away as she mumbled
Yeona : or worse, I could be a serial killer.
Yunho : well, personally I find money laundering corporate killers much worse. I mean, serial killers are usually deranged in the head but those kind of people, they just do it for money, for greed. And the worst part is most of them already have enough of where that comes from and still is never satisfied.
Yeona stared up at yunho as he walked towards her with two plates of macaroni and cheese with scrambled eggs before placing it down on the table and sitting opposite her with a wide smile
Yunho : let's eat?
Yeona hummed a second later, picking up the wooden fork to eat and was about to when she paused as yunho started praying, her eyes softening. Great, so he's religious too. He was going to absolutely love her if he got to know her, next thing you know yeona could be down on her knees in some small town orthodox church confessing her great sins to the lord. She waited for yunho to finish with a small sigh as yunho slowly opened his eyes a few seconds later
Yeona : so you're a man of god? The city ladies would absolutely dig you.
Yunho : my grandmother was religious, it just…sort of passed down on me. Plus well, small towns like ours are always religious. Keeps us sane and tied to our goodness.
Yeona hummed before beginning to eat as she mumbled
Pairing : Song Mingi (Ateez) and named character (Song Minji)
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Synopsis : Mingi and Minji have just lost their son, murdered in cold blood, and she blames it on him. The worst part is, he blames himself for it too. Will this be the end of their marriage? Or will they find comfort in each other in the end?
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A/n : finally a proper full one-shot after a really long time, happy ending too, so I hope you enjoy it.
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Mingi : you didn't even come for his funeral, minji everyone else was there and his own mother-
Minji : what difference does it make? Will it bring him back?
Mingi stared at minji as she sat in front of her vanity table with hollow eyes, her face as pale as a ghost excluding her eyes that were red and puffy. Mingi knew how hard it was for her losing minhyun, he had been her biggest treasure, but mingi had lost his son too. He needed her at the funeral and she hadn't come, she'd locked herself in and refused to even speak when he'd knocked at her door multiple times.
Mingi : the funeral was meant to honor him, minji.
Minji : honor him? A damn 6 year old who could barely even get his words straight? He was murdered in cold blood before he could even have a go at his life, mingi. Honor what? His dead body?
Mingi : don't talk about him like that-
Minji : YOU KILLED HIM! THIS STUPID JOB OF YOURS, THE STUPID ENEMIES YOU MAKE, KILLED MY BABY!
Mingi shut his eyes at minji's yell, staying put as she stood up and walked up to him angrily
Minji : you killed him, so you have no right to be standing in front of me expecting things off of me. Especially not anything about my son.
Mingi : he was my son too.
Minji : oh was he? Really? Where was that consideration when he was alive, mingi? When I called you every night asking you to come home because he missed his father and wanted just a single night with him? Where was this all those times you never came for minhyun's talent shows when every other father was there, and he had to just put up a smile and tell me he was alright.
Mingi : I made a mistake, I know I did but I loved him, minji-ya.
Minji : your love is worth nothing because my son died without ever knowing what the love of a father felt like.
Mingi felt his heart clench at her words, but he knew he deserved it. Maybe if he let her take it all out on him it would make her feel better. Minji glared up at him with her teary eyes as she said
Minji : he wanted to be like you, he always told me that it was fine you were away because you were providing for us, protecting us. He loved you even though you gave him nothing, mingi.
Tears fell down minji's eyes as she shook her head with a sniffle
Minji : and now he's gone, because you failed him, you failed in protecting him. I think about him and I…I think of how he would've felt those last few seconds before that monster hit him. My baby…
Minji trailed off with a broken whimper as she whispered shakily
Minji : he must've been so scared, hoping you'd come to save him until the last second and then…
Minji cut herself off with a sob as she buried her face against her hands, mingi staying still as he just let her throw it all at him. She didn't have to say it, really, he already thought all of this himself. That man wasn't what killed their son, it was mingi. And he was more of a monster than that man was.
Minji : I told you, I told you this would happen! That this…this stupid mercenary job of yours was going to break our family and look what's happened.
Mingi watched as minji walked to her vanity table and grabbed the crystal figure of a mother and son, made of blue diamonds that mingi had given to minji as her push present. She grabbed it and threw it to the floor, smashing it to pieces as mingi shut his eyes tightly.
It held memories, of the day minji had given birth to their baby, his soft cheeks and chubby fingers as it grasped at mingi's face. Mingi could still feel the softness, the feel of their baby against his chest as mingi held him for the first time. He had promised then to do whatever it took to protect his baby, even if it cost him his life. But he'd failed, both their son and his wife.
And so he could only watch as minji shattered the crystal piece she'd adored so much, the shards falling everywhere as she crumbled to the floor. Mingi quickly walked to her, trying to pull her away from hurting herself against the sharp shards but minji pushed him off harshly as she yelled
Minji : DON'T TOUCH ME! DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH ME YOU MONSTER!
Mingi : baby you're going to hurt yourself-
Minji : and why does it bother you? It didn't bother you that our son's head was fucking smashed into pieces did it?
Mingi winced at her words, the awful image of their son's dead body running through his head once again. Didn't bother him? He couldn't take his mind off of it, he couldn't eat, or sleep or drink because of it. He was the first person to see their son in that way, minji hadn't seen him like that, mingi hadn't let her.
He couldn't protect his son, the least he could do was protect his wife from seeing a sight that would haunt her for the rest of her life. It haunted him now, it will haunt him forever. And the way he felt seeing his sweet innocent boy lying on the floor like that, smashed and cut open, mingi wished it were him.
Minji : leave me alone.
Mingi did not want to, it was the last thing he wanted. Minji wasn’t in the right state of mind and he wanted to hold her, comfort her. But he had no right anymore. And so mingi stepped back, nodding slowly as he swiftly walked to the door and stepped out. He could hear minji’s sobs as he walked to the front door and stepping out into the night, and he let it hurt.
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The next morning minji walked down the stairs, dragging herself to the back of their manor where they had buried their son. It was custom for mingi's family, everyone who came before him were buried there and he hoped one day he would be too. Neither of them had expected to bury their son before themselves.
As minji walked to the graveyard, the wind blowing against her sheer nightgown she saw a figure hunched down against their son's grave. Minji's eyes hardened as she walked towards her husband, seeing that mingi had his head rested against the gravestone quietly. As she neared him she could hear the soft murmurs that she was unable to hear earlier, "I'm sorry baby", again and again as if it were a prayer.
Mingi flinched as minji's shoes crunched against the dried leaves, the sight softening her eyes slightly. Mingi usually never flinched, owing to his job. But he had now, which meant that he had been deep in his thoughts, his guilt, too far away to register anything else.
Mingi : have you eaten anything?
Mingi whispered in a hoarse tone as he stood up, not quite looking at her. Minji knew why, he didn't want her to see how red his eyes were. But it made no difference to her, she blamed him for the gravestone in front of them regardless.
Mingi : darling please, you haven't eaten anything the past three days and you've barely had any liquids. Please let's just go eat breakfast?
But minji's hollow eyes remained fixated on their son's grave, not making a single noise. Mingi sighed in exasperation as he said
Mingi : I'll bring it here, if that's what you want. Or anywhere, or whatever. I'll bring it to you just please-
Minji : can you bring my son back?
Mingi : please don't do this. You starving yourself isn't going to bring minhyun back either, he would've wanted you to eat something love-
Minji : what my son would've wanted was to live. And you robbed him off of it so you have no right to be using his name to get me to eat those stupid meals your maids make.
Mingi bristled at her harsh tone, looking down as he shut his eyes tightly
Mingi : I made a mistake, I know I did. But you don't deserve to be punished for it, it's my fault and I'll bear that guilt for the rest of my life. Please, please eat something minji-ya.
Minji looked down at their son's grave before letting out a shaky breath and turning around as she walked back to their manor. Mingi let out a relieved noise before kneeling back down on the ground and burying his face in his hands. Will she ever even look at him with love again?
_________________________________
Two days later :
Minji had been sitting by the pool late at night, the glittering water distorting her legs that were dunk in it. The pool had been minhyun's favorite place in their manor, and she remembered all those weekends mingi and her would swim with minhyun in here, laughing and splashing water at each other.
Now he was gone, and mingi hadn't come home yet. It was 3:30am and mingi was rarely ever this late, he knew how much it worried minji when he was this late given the nature of his job so he made sure to reach before 2am. It was almost two hours past that time and minji was starting to feel uneasy again.
Just as she was about to grab her phone she felt footsteps behind her, quickly turning around and gasping as she saw her husband. He was drenched in blood, seemingly not his blood as he didn't seem to be in any sort of physical pain. But he was drenched in blood either way, dripping with it. As if he'd gone on a killing spree. And his eyes…
Mingi : I killed him.
Minji stared up at mingi with unreadable eyes as mingi slowly stepped into the pool, the waters that once splashed with happiness and laughter of their young son now turning red from the blood that covered mingi's body. Minji stared at it with hollow eyes as she mumbled
Minji : all of them?
Minji hadn't seen what had happened, neither had she seen her son's body. Mingi hadn't let her, he'd kept it to himself and watched the camera footages by himself over and over again so he could find out who did it. But he'd told her, while they were both away for work one of mingi's rivals whose son he'd once killed for the government had gotten into their manor dressed up as a plumber they'd called in earlier for some repairing. He had gone up to minhyun who was sitting by the pool playing with his toys and had dragged him to the manor gardens, killing him there.
An eye for an eye, he'd said right into the CCTV camera nearby before smashing it with the same rock he'd used to kill their son.
Mingi : all of them.
Minji : alone?
Mingi watched as the red from his clothes seeped into the clear water, turning it red as he whispered
Mingi : he was my son.
Minji : and now what?
Mingi shook his head as his eyes remained trained on the now red water, seeming satisfied. Minji didn't feel the same, vengeance wouldn't bring their son back.
Mingi : you moved your things out of my room.
Minji : I need some time alone.
Mingi : until your lawyers get the divorce papers ready?
Minji paused at that, divorce not even having gone through her mind. But mingi had definitely thought it, he thought she hated him enough to leave him. Mingi looked up at her from the water as he whispered
Mingi : don't take everything away. Please, please just don't take everything away.
Minji stared at him in part shock as she could see the desperation in his eyes, his voice shaky as he continued
Mingi : his…his toys and-and your books and clothes and…and everything else. Please, leave some of it behind for me?
Minji could feel her eyes tearing up at his words, was this how he thought of them now? That she'd be cruel enough to strip their manor off of everything that made it home, take everything with her when she left and leave mingi stripped raw and dry? Let him be alone in this dark place with nothing but their son's grave to keep him company?
Mingi : you can leave if you want I…I will understand. But just-
Mingi cut himself off as minji stood up and walked back inside, leaving him there in the now red pool. Mingi turned away as his face contorted, tears streaming down his cheeks as he whispered shakily
Mingi : I'm sorry.
__________________________________
A week later :
Mingi had stayed away from minji, he'd changed his meal timings and would come back home from work late at night. Loud enough with the car for minji to hear so she wouldn't worry he wasn't back home, but never intruding into her space. He really believed she was going to leave him. Minji wasn't going to, she could never when he was the only thing holding her together.
Sure, maybe she blamed him for their son's death but that was out of grief, she needed an outlet and he was the easiest. Practically, as she sat in front of her son's grave everyday, she knew mingi couldn't have done anything. It wasn't his fault. And so as she felt thudding noises from mingi's bedroom in the hallway next to hers late at night, she rushed out of her room and into their old room.
Minji opened the door and paused as she saw mingi about to throw a vase to the floor, already having thrown a few whose shards were now shattered around. Minji quickly rushed to him and held his wrist as she said worriedly
Minji : mingi! Mingi stop! What are you doing!
Mingi flinched and shook his head as she could see the tears staining his cheeks, his hands trembling as he said
Mingi : the pills aren't working…minji the pills aren't working! I just want to sleep. I just want to sleep please-
Mingi trailed off as more tears fell down his eyes, his grip on the vase loosening as minji looked to the bedside table and saw the box of scattered sleeping pills. Her heart froze
Minji : how many did you take?
Mingi just cried silently, his body still shaking as minji yelled worriedly
Minji : HOW MANY DID YOU TAKE MINGI GOD DAMN IT!
Mingi : just two.
Minji let out a relieved breath at mingi's whimpered answer as she grabbed the vase from him and kept it away before saying in a firm tone
Minji : you're going to sleep with me tonight okay?
Minji tried pulling mingi out of their room, not wanting to risk having him hurt himself even further. Mingi let out a shaky breath and shook his head as he resisted her pulling
Mingi : no. No I don't want to! You're-you're going to leave and I-
Minji : mingi for fuck's sake! You've had two bloody pills and you're not emotionally stable right now! Just fucking listen for once in your life and come with me.
Mingi stared at minji with teary eyes as she let out a breath and dragged him out their room and to the room she was now sleeping in. She guided him to the bed and laid him down, getting in right beside him as she pulled the blankets over them. She watched mingi, hoping he'd bury his head against her chest like he always did when he needed comfort. When she realized he wasn't going to do that she just sighed and did it herself.
Mingi let out a shaky breath as his head rested against her chest, his shaky hand coming up to fist her shirt as he shut his eyes tightly. Minji stroked his hair softly, nuzzling her nose against his cheek as she whispered
Minji : when did you start taking them again?
Mingi pressed his lips together, ashamed. He had used sleeping pills for a long time until minji came into his life, then he'd stopped. But then she'd started sleeping away from him and the image of their son's body kept running through his mind, he needed the pills again.
Mingi : a week, at most.
Minji : and you didn't bother telling me?
Mingi : what was I supposed to say?
Mingi whispered muffled against her chest, his grip on her shirt tightening as minji pressed a chaste kiss against his cheek
Minji : is it because of...of what you saw?
Mingi stayed silent, and that was enough of an answer for minji. She cradled his face softly, stroking his cheek as mingi nuzzled against her palm with a small noise
Minji : I just...don't understand why you couldn't have told me. You just put up a front pretending to me that you were okay-
Mingi : what else was I supposed to say when you were...when it was my fault that our son died, minji.
Minji : but I am still your wife, mingi. And you are still my husband.
Mingi paused slightly as she said that, silently reaching for her left hand as he brought it closer to his face and stared at the engagement ring and wedding band she wore together on her ring finger. He stroked it with his thumb almost reverently before whispering
Mingi : you promised you'd never remove this.
Minji : you promised you'd protect our son.
Mingi winced at that, minji immediately regretting having said it. She'd brought him here so she could stop him from hurting himself, and now she was doing it for him.
Minji : I…mingi I'm-
Mingi : I know I…I know I failed, minji but I miss him too. And I think about him at night, and in the morning, and I can't sleep and I need you but you're…
Mingi pressed his face further into minji's chest as he whispered
Mingi : I should never have become a father, it-it was a terrible mistake.
Minji : mingi he loved you-
Mingi : he loved wrong. And…and maybe you did too.
Minji : I am not going to leave you.
Mingi paused at that, slowly looking up at her with his red puffy eyes as if he'd expected her to leave as soon as she could
Minji : I was never planning to leave you, and neither did I once think about divorce. I was…hurt and grieving and I still am but it's not fair to you if I just…shut myself off and-
Mingi : what?
Minji frowned softly as mingi sat up, shaking his head as he looked away from her
Mingi : then you…that day at the pool when I talked about divorce you didn't say anything! You just…left.
Minji : because I was overwhelmed, mingi. My son had just died and you were covered in his murderer's blood and then you were talking to me about divorce which-which I'd never even thought about so-
Mingi : so you let me believe that you were going to leave? Do you know how much pain I was in? I lost my son too! I was mourning too and then you let me believe that I was going to lose my wife as well?!
Minji paused at mingi suddenly snapping at her, sitting up on the bed as well as she said
Minji : do not talk as if I'm at fault-
Mingi : YOU ARE AT FAULT! As if the guilt of causing the death of my son wasn't already enough you made me think you were going to leave! I…
Mingi trailed off with a shaky breath as he clenched his fists against the sheets, panting softly
Minji : I owed you nothing! Not after what you did, I owed you nothing!
Mingi : is that what this wedding band is worth? If this is all it's worth then you might as well just take it off.
Minji : what?
Mingi : you promised to stay by my side no matter what, you promised to cherish me, to care for me, to understand me. And I…I made a mistake but I didn't know minji! If I had even had the slightest idea I would've…I would've laid my life down bare for our son. I didn't know! I didn't know until I saw our baby lying there with…
Mingi trailed off with a shaky whimper as he shut his eyes tightly
Mingi : I've done everything I can, everything. But if this is all that ring is worth to you then why are you even wearing it? If this is all the wife you can be to me then why are you even here, minji?
Minji felt her heart crash at his words, he had made it seem like she wasn't enough a wife for him, and maybe she wasn't. Minji let out a breath and took her ring off shakily, mingi's eyes widening softly in hurt as she threw it at him
Minji : then fuck them. And fuck you.
Tears fell down mingi's eyes as he watched his wife get off the bed and walk to the door, mingi staring at her for a second before standing up and rushing after her
Mingi : no you don't get to do this to me! I've done everything I can! You-you don't know how I feel! I was the one who had to see our baby lying there like that minji! It was me! And I had to watch him getting killed again and again to see who it was and-
Mingi cut himself off with a sob as minji continued rushing to a guestroom, feeling mingi rush after her crying
Mingi : THIS ISN'T FAIR! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST TRY TO UNDERSTAND ME MINJI! WHY DON'T YOU REALIZE THAT I'M IN PAIN TOO!
Tears fell down minji's eyes as she rushed to a nearby guestroom, quickly getting in and locking the door shut. Mingi let out a shaky sob and banged against it, shaking his head as he yelled hoarsely
Mingi : WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME! I DIDN'T WANT THIS TO HAPPEN! I WOULD NEVER WANT THIS TO HAPPEN! He was my baby too, I loved him too…
Mingi trailed off as he slid to the floor with quiet sobs, his body trembling and his face contorted. He didn't know why she couldn't understand, why minji couldn't just be a bit more kind to him. He sat against the floor shakily as he whispered
Mingi : why would your throw your ring away! Why…why do I not mean anything to you anymore?
Minji shut her eyes tightly inside the room, her hand pressed against her mouth to muffle any noises. She hated this, hated hearing him like this. But she didn't know what to do, she needed to be alone.
Mingi : I love you, I love you I love our son and I would do anything to get him back. To get you back, to get our family back I would do anything. Please don't shut me out.
Minji let out a muffled cry as she laid down against the bed, shutting her eyes tightly wishing she could make it all stop. She wanted to go back to how they were, smiling and laughing with their son, but that would never happen again.
____________________________________________
3 days later :
Minji had been trying to talk to mingi, but it hadn't happened. She barely saw him and he seemed upset with her, which she couldn't blame him for. She had made a mistake, she'd hurt him. He had every right to be angry at her.
Minji was now sitting at the dining table having made mingi's favorite pasta for dinner, hoping she'd get to talk to him tonight. It had been hours past dinner time however and minji was starting to feel anxious. She shifted around in her seat, staring at the now cold food and then back at the clock which showed it was now almost 1:30am.
And just as the clock struck 2 she felt her phone vibrate. Minji frowned and tapped on the screen as she read the new message that had popped up on her lockscreen
"We took your son and now we'll take your husband too, finish the job like he did with mine. And by the time I'm done you won't even have a body left behind to mourn, the dogs will have him. That is all the mercy he deserves."
Minji's eyes widened in horror as she quickly stood up, the chair scraping hard against the marble as she rushed out the dining room. The dogs, the woods near their manor. She'd never gone into them after dark, hell she wouldn't even go in there during daylight being scared of it. But mingi was there now, and he could be hurt or worse if she didn't get there sooner.
And so not even bothering to put her shoes on she ran barefoot out the manor and into the grounds, her heart racing in fear and adrenaline.
____________________________________
Mingi walked into their manor at 2:10am, exhausted and barely awake. Work had taken too long and he just wanted to sleep, but as mingi walked into the dining area for a glass of water he paused as he saw the pasta on the table. He frowned as he stepped closer, eyeing it as he realized that minji had made it for him.
A small smile graced his lips and then faltered as he heard the ding of a phone, looking to his left and noticing that minji had left her phone on the table. But that wasn't what bothered him, it was the text message that now shown on the lock screen, sent 10 minutes ago. And as mingi read it his eyes widened, quickly rushing to the side door and seeing that it was wide open. It answered all his doubts.
Mingi : fuck.
Mingi rushed out the manor, running as fast as he could through the gardens into the woods as he felt his heart race. He had lost his son, he couldn't lose his wife too now. He would never recover from it, ever.
Mingi : no no no.
Tears filled mingi's eyes as he grabbed the small revolver he always carried around from his pocket, running into the woods as he yelled
Mingi : MINJI? MINJI SWEETHEART WHERE ARE YOU!
Mingi let out a shaky breath as he looked all around him with desperate eyes, his hands shaking as he continued running deeper into the woods
Mingi : MINJI PLEASE! PLEASE I’M HERE! NOTHING’S HAPPENED TO ME I’M-
Mingi cut himself off with a small sob as he looked around him again, running faster and straining his ears to listen to anything that would help him find her
Mingi : oh, god please.
Mingi sniffled softly as he rushed further into the forest, praying to every god out there as he could feel his heart thumping hard against his chest in fear. The image of his son's dead body ran through his mind again, his hands trembling as a choked noise left his lips
Mingi : please come back to me. Please…please I’m so sorry
Mingi mumbled to himself shakily as he looked around with teary eyes, stumbling further into the woods. He then paused on his tracks as he heard small crying noises, his eyes sharpening as he quickly rushed to where the sound was coming from. He raised his revolver slightly as he walked into a clearing in the forest, looking around frantically for his wife
Mingi : MINJI!
Minji flinched as she looked up from where she was curled up on the ground, her teary red eyes widening as she got up shakily, stumbling to him with loud sobs
Minji : m-mingi…
Mingi dropped his gun and ran to her as fast as he could, engulfing her in his arms as he held her tight against him. He let out a shaky breath filled with relief and fear, rubbing her back as he said
Mingi : oh my god my baby. Oh god, oh I was so scared. I was so scared sweetheart.
Minji sobbed uncontrollably against mingi's chest, her fists gripping his shirt hard as he cradled the back of her head against him. He stroked her hair with shaky hands as he whispered against her ear
Mingi : it’s okay, sweet girl. It’s okay, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I couldn’t come sooner minji-ya. But I’m here now, I’m here. I’m okay.
Minji sobbed harder against his chest, her body trembling as she gripped his shirt tighter and pressed her body further against him to the point where mingi stumbled back just a bit. He tightened his hold on minji, his hand grasping the back of her shirt as she choked out
Minji : someone…someone…text-
Mingi : I know. I know baby I saw, but it wasn’t real okay? Nothing’s happened to me, nothing. I will find out who sent that and have them pay for it, I will I promise. But just…just be with me now. Stay, please. Be with me.
Minji clung to him with a sob as mingi lifted her up into his arms, wincing softly as he saw her bloodied bare feet. Mingi let out a breath as he grabbed the revolver from the ground and quickly walked back to their manor. He held her tight against him, one arm under her knees and the other cradling the back of her head against his shoulder as he nuzzled his nose against her hair
Mingi : shh, shh. I know you were scared, I know. But I’m here now, my sweet darling I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.
Minji’s arms around his neck tightened as she whimpered between her cries, pressing her face further against his shoulder. Mingi pressed soft chaste kisses against her head, inhaling deeply as he whispered
Mingi : I love you so much, my heart. I love you so much, you’re my whole world. I love you. You mean so much to me.
Mingi could feel minji trembling against him from the fear, knowing how much this would’ve affected her. He knew she hated the forest, going into it alone at night fearing for his life had shaken her. Mingi slowly rubbed minji's back as he cradled her closer to him
Mingi : we’re going to get you inside and warm okay? I’m going to take care of my sweetheart and make sure she’s safe and warm and you’ll have nothing to worry about hmm? I’ll be right next to you, I won’t leave your side. I promise.
Mingi kissed the side of her head as he now walked through the garden area and to the side door, the guards who were inspecting the open side door now pausing as they saw mingi. They'd come too late. Mingi pressed a small kiss against minji's ear as he whispered
Mingi : nothing’s going to happen to you, I won’t let anyone hurt you again.
Mingi gave the guards a warning look for their incompetency as he stalked into the manor, the guards shutting the side door behind them securely.
Soon mingi had placed minji on the bed, kneeling down on the floor in front of her as he gently took one of her feet and inspected it
Mingi : I'm going to clean and bandage this up okay?
Minji just sniffled as she stared down at her feet, mingi sighing softly as he got up and cradled her face tenderly, pressing small kisses against it before whispering
Mingi : give me a second.
But just as mingi was about to go to the bathroom for the supplies he felt minji hold onto his sleeve, more tears falling off her eyes as she sniffled. Mingi sighed softly, realizing she wasn't going to let him go after what had happened. And so he leaned down and picked her up into his arms again before walking to the bathroom as he stroked her hair softly and mumbled
Mingi : I love you so much, sweetheart. So, so much.
Mingi soon sat minji down on the counter and grabbed his supplies before kneeling down and placing her feet on his thigh, beginning to clean and bandage the cuts and bruises. As he did so minji slowly recovered herself, her cries quietening down to small sniffles as she mumbled
Minji : I'm sorry.
Mingi : you have nothing to be sorry for, my love.
Minji : but I do. I used the pain from our son's death against you, and then afterwards instead of trying to help you I just…I-I threw our wedding ring-
Minji trailed off with a shaky breath as tears filled her eyes again, shaking her head softly as she whispered
Minji : I'm a horrible wife, what kind of wife does this to her husband after they've lost their son? It wasn't even your f-fault I just…I'm horrible.
Mingi let out a breath as he finished bandaging her feet and stood up, cradling her face as he leaned down and whispered
Mingi : you are not a horrible wife, the past month has been hard for us but it doesn't define us, it doesn't. Pain makes people do horrible things and there's no pain that can compare to losing a child for a parent, okay? It's normal, it's okay and yes it hurt but I…I understand. It doesn't make me value you any less. I love you still, minji I love you always.
Tears fell down minji's eyes as mingi quickly wiped them away, shaking his head as he pressed kisses against both her eyes
Mingi : don't, don't cry baby. You're breaking my heart, shh.
Minji's hands went to grab his face as well as she sniffled and whispered
Minji : you're the one that saw minhyun that way I…I can't imagine how horrible that must have been
Mingi's eyes filled with tears as he shook his head, lowering it and pressing it against minji's shoulder as she hugged him tightly, her legs wrapping around his waist securely
Minji : he loved you, he loved you and he knew you loved him despite it all. And I know it too, I know how much you loved him.
Mingi : I still do.
Mingi whimpered out as minji cradled the back of his head against her, stroking his hair softly
Minji : I know, I know love, I do too. I will always.
Mingi held her tight against him, pressing his face against the side of her head as minji shut her eyes tightly and whispered
Minji : we only have each other, mingi. And I-I want to be there for you the way you've been there for me. I want to listen, understand, help, heal. Everything, as I promised I would the day you put that ring on me.
Mingi sniffled hard against her neck, minji slowly pulling back as she wiped his tears with her shaky hands
Minji : won't you put them on me again? Please? I will…I won’t let go of them again. I won’t.
Mingi smiled shakily as he wiped his tears before reaching into his pocket and holding out minji's engagement ring and wedding band. She held her left hand out as mingi slowly slid them into her ring finger, a sob falling from both their lips as they hugged each other once again.
Minji : I will make amends, I will try my best. For you, I will.
Mingi cried softly as minji held him together and rocked them gently, rubbing his back as she whispered
Minji : nothing matters to me as much as you do, nothing.
Pairing : Choi San (Ateez) and named character (Sakura Araki)
___________________
San woke up the next morning, feeling a weight on his chest. He yawned as he looked down, seeing sakura curled up against his chest, her face relaxed. He smiled as he ran his hand along her hair softly, brushing a few strands back as he admired her face in the morning sunlight. She was so beautiful it made everything else seem so small to him, what he would do to be able to wake up to her every morning for the next 50 years.
He suddenly felt envious of every other man who got to live his dream, live with their partner and wake up to them every morning, hold them in their arms. He felt like asking even that, was too much for this world. It had been so cruel to him.
But he was going to keep that aside and focus on the moment they had now, even if it was their last. And so san leaned down and kissed her forehead softly, his other hand drawing slow patterns on her bare back. Sakura hummed as she nuzzled against his chest, her eyes fluttering
San : good morning sweetheart.
Sakura let out a soft sleepy whine and san felt his heart flip, leaning down to press another kiss to her forehead as he whispered against her skin
San : slept well?
Sakura : best sleep ever.
San chuckled at her sleepy voice, blowing gently against her face as she frowned and whined again
Sakura : stop that, 's cold.
San smiled cheekily and blew against her face again, making sakura frown further as she whacked his chest
Sakura : stop being mean.
San laughed at that, pulling her even closer to him as he squeezed her in his arms and peppered her face with kisses
Sakura : you are so cheesy in the morning
San : you're saying that like it's a bad thing.
Sakura smiled as she looked up at him for a while, as if she was taking him in in this state before pecking his lips
Sakura : are you happy?
San smiled at that, his heart clenching at her shaky voice as he nuzzled his nose against hers and inhaled deeply
San : as happy as one can get, like there's nothing I want more.
Sakura scoffed as she closed her eyes and whispered
Sakura : don't lie.
San sighed and pressed long soft kisses against her cheek, stroking her back gently
San : I'm not. I'm the happiest man in the world right now, because I have the woman of my dreams in my arms and she's…she's smiling and sated and content and that's all I ever want you to be.
Sakura smiled at san as she ran her finger along his nose and cheeks, trying to commit it to memory before saying
Sakura : you know how hard it was to draw you? I've drawn countless things but…nothing as beautiful and as perfect as you. It's like when I'm drawing you, I'm doing you injustice. How can someone so perfect be captured on something as simple as pen and paper?
San smiled at that, nudging his nose against hers as he said
San : who's being sappy now?
Sakura : well I am only just saying the truth. You're too perfect for me to draw.
San : I want the world to remember me with the imperfections you gave me, sakura. I don't want to be perfect, I don't care about it.
Sakura : in another life you would've been a poet.
San : in my next you'll be my wife.
Sakura smiled at that, tears filling her eyes as she ran her hand along his bare chest before whispering
Sakura : and you'll be my husband. And I…I'll make you happy
San scoffed as he pressed a soft kiss to both her eyes
San : you always make me happy, you will always make me happy.
Sakura smiled and kissed his cheek before nuzzling against it as she mumbled
San : always?
Sakura : always.
_____________________________
2 days later :
San rode into the base on horseback with sakura behind him, her wrists tied loosely. It was finally the day he had dreaded, and he could feel the knowing eyes of his soldiers behind him, and the gazes of the others in front of him who had obviously gotten to know about his charges somehow.
He saw those men rushing up to him and his men from the base, their faces solemn as they took in san and the enemy riding right behind him. Weeks ago san would've been happy to be back, he'd meet his fellow comrades again, the higher ups would honor him for successfully capturing the japanese commander and he’d get to rest finally, but it was different now.
Their faces held quiet anger, resentment. It was as if san had never meant anything to them at all.
Sakura : san…san where will they take me to?
San : they won't hurt you, not until they're done with me. You will be probably be taken to the cells for the time being.
Sakura : and you?
San : I don't know…they'll hold a trial but it will be small and quick. Wouldn't want the rest of the country to be panicked if the accusations against me are false. But they're not, and I'm sure they know it too so I give them three days.
Sakura : three days for what?
San : executing me.
Sakura's breath hitched at that, pressing her lips together as she whispered
Sakura : we could…we could still run.
San chuckled bitterly at that as he shook his head, trotting his horse to the nearby stables
San : we may be a lot of things, sakura, but cowards aren't one of them. And they'll catch us, some day they will, and when they do they'll shoot you first. I can't have that.
Sakura scoffed at that as she mumbled shakily
Sakura : you stupid brave man.
San stopped the horse as he got off of it, seeing his officers walking up to him with stern faces. San let out a breath and looked up at sakura as he whispered
San : whatever happens, I love you. You are the best thing that has happened to me, sakura, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Not even yourself.
Sakura looked at the men around as she mumbled
Sakura : that is a bit hard to believe considering the…the circumstances.
San smiled sadly as he took her hand in his and kissed it softly
San : I made this choice, I chose you. And nothing will ever change that, not even if I die for it.
San turned and walked to the officers as sakura whispered quietly
Sakura : I love you too.
Sakura kept watching san as the other soldiers dragged her off the horse and to the cells, her eyes teary. She hated this world, hated everyone.
_________________________________
Officer 1 : captain choi san, you stand accused of treason, dereliction of duty, emotional compromise, and providing enemy personnel with unauthorized privileges. Do you deny these charges?
San clenched his jaw as he looked around at the three officers in front of him, their eyes cold and cut off. He knew there was nothing he could say that would change what was going to happen, their minds were set already. He could see that in their eyes, posture, tone, everything.
San : no.
One of the officers let out a small scoff as the other said
Officer 2 : and do you deny that you formed an emotional attachment to commander sakura araki of the Japanese imperial army?
San : no.
Officer 2 : did you reveal tactical information to her? Troop movements? Supply lines? Camp positions?
She never asked, was what san wanted to say. But he let out a breath and said coldly
San : no.
Officer 2 : would you lie to protect her?
San : I'm not lying.
The officer sighed and leaned back against his chair as the other said almost in a disappointed tone
Officer 3 : nightly visits, unrestricted access, sharing food when it was scarce even for your own men. Is that what loyalty looks like now, captain choi?
San : she's not a threat.
Officer 3 : SHE WAS THE COMMANDER OF THE ENEMY ARMY!
San did not flinch at the officer's yell as he said calmly
San : was. She hasn't tried to escape, hasn't harmed anyone.
Officer 3 : park yinsang-
San : violated the principles, touched her without her permission. He was a sexual assaulter, officer. And you know how we deal with those, soldiers or not.
Officer 3 : and that gives you the right to play judge, jury and executioner?
San just stayed silent at that, his fists clenched. He didn't regret what he'd done to that monster.
Officer 1 : forget him, he was useless anyway. Maybe she didn't cause that kind of a damage, didn't kill anyone, but she got to you captain. She compromised you, you're rotting from the inside.
San : you think I love her?
Officer 2 : it's not an accusation, it's a conclusion. And it's not just about you, captain, this is about what it says to your men, your country. You're the captain they all admire, respect, and now you're risking everything for a woman who'd be hanged no matter where she went in this world.
San just stared at his lap, his breathing shaky as he mumbled
San : she is a person, a human being-
Officer 3 : she isn't to us, not to this army she's not a person. She is a symbol, and so are you captain. And symbols do not get to choose who they fall in love with, not without consequences. You chose this for yourself, and you do not seem displeased with the choice either. Are you?
San : I am not.
Officer 3 : do you plead guilty?
San scoffed as he whispered
San : plead?
Officer 3 : answer me captain!
San : yes. Yes I do.
The officer let out a sigh and leaned back against his chair before looking at the others
Officer 1 : you leave us no choice then, we're sorry. Captain choi san, you have served this country with distinction. Your record is commendable-
San : then burn it, you're going to anyway.
He didn't want to listen to all that crap when none of it mattered, not to him and not to anyone else. He had just signed his own death warrant and the last thing san wanted was their sugarcoated speech meant to soothe him. San's icy words made the officer's eyes harden as he inhaled deeply before saying in a harsh tone
Officer 1 : you are hereby stripped of rank and honor. Your name will be removed from the registry. Effective immediately, you are sentenced to execution by hanging for treason. Sentence to be carried out at sunrise, two days from now.
San felt his heart stop, the familiar feeling of his entire body burning from the inside coming back to him as it had when the news of his family's death had reached him for the first time years ago.
Officer 2 : you are dismissed, choi san. The soldiers outside will take you to your cell.
San let out a breath and stood up, walking to the door. He paused as one of the officers said
Officer 2 : we appreciate the guts it took for you to admit that you loved the commander, captain. But these are rules that cannot be changed.
San scoffed as he said
San : it doesn't take much guts to admit your love if you truly love a woman, officer.
San opened the door and walked out, knowing that would be the last time he'd be addressed as captain. Now he was truly just a man.
_____________________________
San was sitting in his cell against the wall, now wearing ragged clothes as his uniform was taken away. This was what traitors wore anyway, and he could care less. He looked down at the piece of blood stained cloth he was holding, the only thing he had been allowed to carry until his execution. It was all he wanted, it was the reason he was dying.
San looked up as the doors to the underground cells opened, revealing wooyoung who now had teary red eyes. San sighed and leaned his head back against the wall as he mumbled
San : come to say goodbye, young-ah?
Wooyoung : captain-
San : don't call me that, I am no longer a captain.
Wooyoung : you will always be a captain to me, because you earned it. And the woman you chose to love will not take that away from you.
San looked up at wooyoung as he stepped closer, his hand curling around the bars as he whispered
Wooyoung : you are the bravest man I've known, and perhaps the bravest man I will ever know.
San : don't get ahead of yourself now, woo. You might meet braver men in the future.
Wooyoung : none that would die for love, I'm sure. None that would hold strong in the face of death and lead men until the end. You could've run away with her, and yet you didn't. Could've hid, yet you didn't.
San smiled sadly as he said
San : they would've caught us anyway.
Wooyoung : and if I assured you they wouldn't have? Would you still have run then?
San : death is better than living in constant fear.
Wooyoung scoffed and nodded
Wooyoung : exactly. You, and that stupid woman, both equally brave. If at least one of you were cowardly enough then maybe I wouldn't have had to stand here and watch my best friend die.
San looked at wooyoung with a small smile as he whispered
San : will you find a new best friend after I'm gone, wooyoung-ah?
Wooyoung : no one will ever take your place in my heart, ever. I will promise you that. And I'll promise you something else
Wooyoung's eyes hardened as he said
Wooyoung : they may strip your name from the registry, they may take your name from our mouths and hide it where none can see, but I will remember enough for all of us. When I have kids some day, I will tell them of you, and they will tell their kids. No one will ever forget you or what you have done for our nation, captain. I promise you that.
San : you don't have to promise me such big things wooyoung-
Wooyoung : no but I will! I couldn't protect you, you couldn't live the happy ending that you deserved with that lady but…but you deserve at least this. You don't deserve your life and work to be forgotten just because of something as natural as love. I will not let them take your pride away. The choi family name will continue, and I will not rest until the pride you wanted to bring to your family name has been brought.
Tears filled san's eyes as he stood up and walked towards the bars, a small shaky smile on his lips
San : thank you. Thank you so much.
Wooyoung smiled sadly as tears fell down his eyes, the sight breaking san's heart
Wooyoung : captain-
San : no say my name. The world might remember me as captain but I want you to remember me as the boy who once stole cupcakes with you, as the boy you saved from falling off a cliff when he was 9. Remember me by that, wooyoung-ah, that's what I want.
Wooyoung sniffled as his face contorted, lowering it as he said shakily
Wooyoung : san-ah…how will I live without you? I've…I've not known a single day where you haven't been a part of my life and now…
Wooyoung trailed off with a sob as san shook his head and placed his hand against wooyoung's that was on the bar
San : this isn't the end, woo, we'll meet again. You will live your life here, after this war with the woman you love and have the family you've always wanted. And once that's done, you will come to me and we will be best friends again. There has to be more for us, there has to.
Wooyoung sniffled and wiped his tears shakily as he nodded
Wooyoung : yeah…yes. Okay.
San smiled and patted wooyoung's hand gently
San : live for both of us, and be happy.
Wooyoung : I promise. I promise.
San smiled shakily, tears falling down his eyes as wooyoung stepped back slowly and whispered
Wooyoung : I'll ask my eomma to make those cupcakes again, and I'll have your share too this time. Can't wrestle it from me anymore.
San laughed shakily at that, more tears threatening to fall as he whispered
San : you have always been a very greedy man, young-ah.
Wooyoung : likewise, sannie.
Wooyoung then turned and left, san sliding down against the bar as he buried his face in his hands remembering the times they'd run around the farm as little boys, wrestling each other and smiling and laughing. God, the things he would do to live those days again.
____________________________
San had been sitting in his cell the night before his execution when he heard thuds and grunts from outside the door, his eyes slightly widening as he stood up slowly. There were surprised noises and pained grunts and groans, sounds of guns being readied but none of it shot. Whoever was causing this, was damn good at their job.
And then the door banged open and sakura rushed to him, panting with a bit of blood splattered against her face. He felt his heart stop.
San : sakura…you came.
Sakura stood right in front of san, the bars being the only thing that separated them as she breathed out
Sakura : they said I shouldn't, so I did.
San smiled sadly as he shook his head and mumbled
San : you…you fought past all those men? And didn't trigger a single alarm?
Sakura smiled softly as well as she whispered
Sakura : I lead an entire army once, san, successfully too. I think I know what I'm doing.
San scoffed at that before looking back up at her
San : then…tell me, commander, how much time do we have?
Sakura pressed her lips together as her hand curled against a bar separating them
Sakura : a few minutes. Days if you let me break this lock and run away with me.
San smiled bitterly at that before holding her hand that was against the bar before saying softly
San : a few minutes it is then.
Sakura : I…I wish we had more time.
San : we were never going to have time, sakura, we were never going to make it. Not with the war.
Sakura : and still I hoped.
San chuckled at that, his hand against hers trembling slightly
San : you hoped?
Sakura : you taught me, hope. It's a nice word. I hoped I could wake up beside you every morning, knowing we were safe. I would've given anything for just a single day like that.
San : you've come to break my heart more than it already has, darling?
Sakura : I love you.
San paused at that, staring at her as tears filled his eyes. It was the last thing he wanted to hear, how was he supposed to accept his death knowing he couldn't hear this again?
San : sweetheart-
Sakura : I know they're useless words, words that's led you to this whole situation but I love you. No one will ever take that away from me, not one war is capable of that. I…I will say it every second after you're gone and I…
Sakura's voice broke as tears fell down her eyes, and it was the first time he was actually seeing her cry. He hated it, god he hated it. San tightened his grip on her hand as sakura continued
Sakura : you take my heart with you, because it is yours. It's been yours since that day you wrapped those things around my wrists and…you still carry them like it's some sort of a treasure, san.
Sakura cut herself off with a sob as she stared at the blood stained cloth san still held in his pocket. San sniffled as he smiled sadly and whispered
San : it's the first thing I ever did for you, not as a soldier or a captain but as a man.
Sakura looked up at san with teary eyes as he whispered
San : I will carry it with me until the end.
Sakura : you idiot.
Sakura sobbed as she pressed her forehead against the bar, san shaking his head as he pressed his against the same spot and whispered
San : none of this is your fault, and it is not mine either. It is the world's fault, the fault of cruel men and stupid women who never had the chance to have what we have, love. We're not the ones losing anything, sakura, it is them. I would rather die tomorrow knowing what love feels like than live every day for the next 60 years without ever having felt it.
Sakura : stop with the poetry or I'll throw my fists at you.
San let out a laugh at that, the sound choked as he said
San : you won't even let a dying man say his last words of love.
Sakura : you don't have to say anything, words are worth nothing compared to the things you have done for me. God even if you were to not speak to me at all before dying, I would still love you all the same san. Our love goes above mere words, does it not?
San let out a shaky breath and pressed a long kiss against her fingers, tears staining them as he nodded and whispered
San : I love you. I end with you.
More tears slipped past sakura's eyes as she heard footsteps rushing closer to them, indicating their time was up. Sakura gave san a shaky smile as she whispered desperately
Sakura : sunflower fields, you promised. And a daughter, I want a daughter.
San nodded painfully, his lips trembling as more tears fell down his cheeks
San : I will find you again, and I will keep my promise. I am yours, this life and the next.
Sakura : I love you.
San watched as the soldiers rushed and caught sakura by the arms, some of them cursing but neither san nor sakura seemed to hear any of that. Their gazes remained fixed on each other, and even as sakura was dragged out she whispered again and again
Sakura : I love you…
San just gave sakura a small shaky smile, her eyes focusing on those dimples, the same smile that reminded her of sunflowers fields in the depths and darkness of war and crime. And she kept whispering that she loved him, until the soldiers dragged her out and far away from him.
But never far enough, no one will ever be able to take her that far away from him.
_______________________________
Sakura didn't sleep that night, not after the soldiers had found her in front of san's cell after having beaten up at least 15 other soldiers to get there. They had thrown her into her own cell and had beaten her up until wooyoung came and pulled them all away and out. Sakura didn't care for her injuries, because today was the day they'd bring san for execution. And cruelly enough, she had the perfect view of the execution grounds from the window in her cell.
They had done this on purpose, of course they had. It's why they'd put her execution after his, so she'd suffer with his death before hers came along.
Sakura looked up as she heard marching sounds in the ground, shakily standing up before tumbling straight back down to the floor with a pained grunt. She had underestimated her wounds from the beating last night. Sakura let out a groan as she stood up again before stumbling to the window, looking down
Sakura : san…
Tears filled sakura's eyes as she saw san being dragged to the execution post by two men, san not even struggling. Sakura let out a whimper as she tried to move closer, the chains on her wrist tugging her back to the post as she shook her head and said louder
Sakura : san!
San seemed to hear that as he turned his head towards her, a faint smile appearing on his lips. As if he was happy he could see her one last time. Sakura shook her head as tears fell down her eyes, tugging harder against the chains as it rattled behind her. She had no idea where she was trying to go with all the tugging, she was in her cell. But her body tried anyway.
The soldiers dragged san to the stage and began tying up a noose around his neck as another man announced from the side
Soldier : choi san. You are hereby sentenced to execution for treason against the republic, for aiding the enemy, for consorting with a japanese commander, and for undermining military honor. Any last words?
San just looked up at sakura, a small smile on his face. He wouldn't tell the men around him his last words, none of them deserved it. His last words were reserved only for one person, one woman. And he knew she would know it from where she was and that was enough.
And sakura did, he didn't have to say anything because she knew what he'd wanted to say by that smile. But as the soldiers began stepping back so the platform under san's feet could open, sakura felt herself scream
Sakura : no! No please! Please someone stop this!
But none of them seemed to even hear sakura. And so she screamed louder, tugging harder against her chains as it cut into her wrists
Sakura : he's not a traitor! He saved lives! He saved me! You bastards, you cowards, he loved! THAT'S ALL HE DID, HE LOVED!
But san shook his head at her, not a single tear in his eyes and his shoulders still held back with his head held high. He would die with honor, with dignity. He wouldn't give anyone the satisfaction of taking away from him his pride. He would be captain until his last breath.
Sakura : SAN! SAN-
Sakura cut herself off with a scream as the floor board disappeared under san, the noose tightening around his neck. Sakura looked away with a flinch, sobbing as she tugged harder at the chains on her wrist as if she could break them and jump out and run to him. It was impossible, and even if she could what would be the point anymore? But even then sakura kept tugging at the chains, drawing blood as she just wailed, crumbling to the floor
Sakura : you pr-promised…san…san come back to me…
Sakura continued wailing at that spot for hours on end afterwards, tugging at the chain again and again as memories of san ran through her head. His smile, his empathy, his compassion, the man he was to her. He had held her as if she was the most precious thing in the world, kissed her like she was everything to him. And she was, just as he was to her. But she would never have that again. Never.
Even after all the soldiers left sakura sat there kneeling at the same spot, crying and calling out his name repeatedly. The entire place was filled with the wails of a woman who had just lost her entire world.
And then at night sakura just collapsed to the floor with a final breath, her eyes open and unblinking, her chest rising no more. She had always wondered whether one could die of heartbreak, but as the final memories of her and san ran through her mind, she'd gotten an answer.
Her struggling against the chains ceased, her pulse slowing down. And then she was gone too, following him into a world where they could live without war.
____________________________________
Officer : this is a ridiculous request, soldier. An absolutely ridiculous request.
Wooyoung : it is not a request, this is owed to me officer. I am about to be appointed captain, and it is an unsaid rule that as a gift, the army grants me something I want-
Officer : and you want the ex-captain's body? That…that filthy commander's body? No one would allow that for you.
Wooyoung : they are both dead, officer! I just want to give them a proper burial somewhere! That is all I am asking for! Not money, not gold, not land, nothing. Two dead bodies, and you cannot even grant me that?
Officer : we still do not know how that woman died.
Wooyoung : oh well I do, she died because we killed her.
Officer : you cannot be possibly telling me she died of heartbreak, soldier.
Wooyoung : she died of starvation, of dehydration and of the unchecked injuries she suffered from the beating that was inflicted on her last night. But of course, none of that would come to your concern because as long as she's dead it doesn't matter to any of you how.
The officer rolled his eyes, muttering something under his breath. Wooyoung's eyes hardened as he said in a firm voice
Wooyoung : you need me to be captain, I am the best you have here now. And the only one thing I ask of you in return for wearing that burdening uniform are the bodies of two dead people you have no use for. This is not a request, officer, it is what we owe to the late captain. He saved countless lives, even my own. He deserves a proper burial.
Officer : he was a traitor-
Wooyoung : and you have killed him for it, that is punishment enough. Grant me his body, and the commanders'. Or I will quit this army no matter the shame it will bring me.
The officer stared at wooyoung for a few seconds before sighing out frustratedly
Officer : fine. Go do with it what you will, but I need you to report to duty tomorrow at noon, sharp.
Wooyoung nodded before giving the officer a salute as he walked out of the room. Sakura's heartbreaking wails still rang in his ears, the awful thud he heard as he was walking up to her cell to tell her that maybe he could help her escape, run away safely. But what was the point, really? They'd taken everything away from her already.
What was the point in living if you were already dead from within. She deserved to be with san, and if that was in another life then so be it.
________________________________
20 years later :
Wooyoung stood in front of the two graves situated in the back of his farm house, the wind blowing against him as it ruffled the flowers he had laid against the grass. It had been 20 years since his best friend had died, 20 years since his captain had died. And every day that wooyoung would look at the abandoned farm house next to his that was once owned by san's family and was one day supposed to be san’s, he felt his heart break.
That farm house should have been filled with love, and happiness. With children that looked like san and sakura, children that would've been friends with his own. So he hadn't let anyone destroy it, in hopes that somehow san and sakura would still be living there but it was just not visible to anyone else.
Wooyoung felt footsteps behind him, the voice of his 13 year old daughter cutting through the air
Maehwa : I thought I'd find you here.
Wooyoung smiled softly as his daughter held his hand standing next to him, looking down at the graves as well before mumbling
Maehwa : it's the day they died?
Wooyoung nodded with a small sigh
Maehwa : he must've meant a lot to you, considering you named me after his sister.
Wooyoung : yeah…yeah if he were alive you would've loved him too. It was impossible not to.
Maehwa smiled softly as she whispered and nodded to the grave next to his
Maehwa : and the other grave?
Wooyoung : well, I never knew her enough. But if san loved her then…then maybe I would have too.
Maehwa : I have a feeling you already do, appa. You've told me their story countless times.
Wooyoung chuckled softly before leaning down to pick up the box that was next to their graves before saying
Wooyoung : I want you to have this.
Maehwa frowned as she took the box from her father slowly
Wooyoung : it's the only remaining proofs of their love, the last things I found on them before I buried them. I kept them safe, they deserve to be kept safe until all of eternity. I've done it for 20 years, and now it's up to you.
Maehwa looked up at her father as wooyoung smiled and ruffled her hair before walking back into the farm, his wife calling him to take care of their newborn son as she cooked lunch. Maehwa sighed and kneeled down before slowly opening the box, her eyes scanning the contents. There were only three things.
A piece of old blood stained cloth, the cloth clearly belonging to a captain's uniform as maehwa had seen her father's old ones, and the other one a pencil sketch of a man that looked very similar to how her appa would describe his best friend. Except this one looked more beautiful, more intricate, as if the person who drew him knew san more than her appa had, as if that person loved san and saw more in him that others didn't. It felt heartfelt, it felt like proof. Anyone who saw this drawing would sense immediately how much the artist loved the muse, it was too obvious to ignore.
Maehwa smiled and kept those aside as she reached for the last item in the box, a yellowed letter with a sunflower drawn onto the backside. She slowly opened it and began reading it
Dear San,
You asked me once if I'd ever loved someone. I told you no, I told you I didn't believe in it. That love was a trick of peace, a lie people told themselves between war. But I lied. Not because I wanted to, but because the truth felt heavier than my uniform, heavier than my guilt. And because I've never known love, not in the way people talked about anyway. Not from my parents who died before I could remember them, and not from my aunt and uncle who saw me as dirt. And especially not in the army, where I was just a machine to kill, a means to an end. And it was all I expected from anyone in my life. Love wasn't meant for people like me.
But you, you made silence feel like safety. You made me dream, made me hope, two things I've never felt ever before in life. I would look at you and my heart would turn into mush, like I was some teenager girl and not a killer. I would look at you and hope I could be in your arms for eternity, make you laugh and smile.
And when you speak to me, not like I'm a prisoner or an enemy or a killer, but like I'm a person who once dreamt of art and sunflowers and kids, it does something to me I can't explain. I hated you for it, at first. Wanted to shove your kindness back down your throat. I didn't want to owe you softness, but you gave it anyway. Gave me your coat before the frost set in, stayed beside me when I cried, not asking me to face you or explain things to you but just stayed, as if you wanted to. Not for yourself, or for making yourself feel good for having done something kind, but because you just wanted to be kind to me. Because you believed in it, you are the kindest man in the world.
And now every time I look at you, I think that if I'd met you before this war I would've painted you in gold.
You saw beyond the blood on my hands and the sins on my name. You taught me how to laugh again, even in chains. You whispered dreams to me like we weren’t surrounded by death. You spoke to me of sunflower fields, of warm hands brushing over baby cheeks, of a little house tucked far away from the this horrible world. You whispered things that no soldier should ever believe in. Peace, home, future. And I believed you, gods help me I believed you.
But you're gone, they killed you. They killed you for loving me, not for orders disobeyed or secrets betrayed but for something as human as love. How fragile is a world that fears a feeling more than a bullet?
I've lived a thousand deaths, san. In every war, every order and every lie. But none of them felt like this. None of them compares to the moment I saw you hanging there, the one person who deserved to survive. And you must have remembered your ma, your pa and your sister whom you loved so much. Wooyoung, maybe, when you were little boys and knew only which ball to throw at each other. And perhaps us, that night in the lake when you held me for the first time or the future we will never have, marriage and children. How could they do this to you? Take something as simple as that away from us?
I can't stay here, not in this world. Not in this life that dared to give me a taste of your love, only to rip it away the moment I let myself want it. And especially not one that took you away first and not me, never.
I loved you, I loved you in silence, I loved you in blood and ash. And I would've loved you in a quiet house, with no flags and no guns, no reason to run. But if I can't have that, then at least let my last truth be yours. I was yours, in this life and whatever comes after it. And if there is a place where sunflowers bloom without fear, where soldiers are just lovers in another skin then I’ll find you there. I will.
You were my miracle, san, and I was your war. I'm sorry I couldn't win it.
Forever yours,
Sakura.
Maehwa put the letter down as she sniffled, wiping her tears away as she looked down at their graves once again. She could understand it now, the pain of shattered hope and dreams, the nightmares war caused. She reached into her pocket for a sunflower seed she'd gotten from the nearby farm and dug between their graves, putting the seed in and covering it back up again. She was going to water this every day, and plant more until she made a sunflower garden.
Maybe not for them, but for the next two people who truly loved each other. Maybe they'll get the happy ending two soldiers of war didn't.
Maehwa stood up and looked to the abandoned farm next to her, and she could almost imagine it. A woman laughing as she ran through the sunflower gardens, the wind blowing her skirt back and a man running right behind her with the same dimples maehwa had seen on that painting. And then he'd catch up to her, lifting her in his arms and twirling her around as they both laughed and leaned down to kiss each other, the only thing separating their bodies being the swollen belly of the woman's, carrying their unborn child.
Pairing : Choi San (Ateez) and named character (Sakura Araki)
__________________
San : so you drank the spoiled milk that had been kept away to be thrown?
Sakura chuckled and nodded as san laughed softly, adjusting himself so sakura could lean against his shoulder better as they sat against the tent wall. Sakura smiled softly and played with his hand as she mumbled
Sakura : it didn't taste all that bad, you know? I didn't really get sick either.
San : oh so now you're flexing your immune system on me?
Sakura : I think it was my digestive system, you weren't so fast in school, were you?
San mock gasped as he looked down at her
San : excuse me? Are you telling a captain he has the brains of a primary kid?
Sakura looked up at san with a cheeky smile as she said
Sakura : even worse actually.
Sakura let out a yelp as san playfully bit her nose, making her laugh softly as san smiled
San : you told me my smile reminds you of sunflowers but seeing yours, I'm starting to question mine is all that great.
Sakura groaned softly as she nuzzled back against his shoulder
Sakura : god you are so cheesy, no wonder you don't get any women.
San : I'll have you know I get countless letters from the ladies telling me I have a wide range of hands to choose from in marriage once I'm back, commander.
Sakura : well, I'd have a countless hands waiting to hang me if I ever returned back to my nation from war.
San paused at that, looking down at sakura as he sighed out
San : sakura.
Sakura : no I mean, it's just funny. Really.
Sakura shrugged softly and leaned back against him, closing her eyes. San stared at her for a while before mumbling
San : give me a moment.
Sakura frowned as san stood up and walked out the tent, making her feel a bit uneasy. Had she ruined the mood? Of course she had, what was she even thinking.
Sakura looked up as san came back a few minutes later, now holding a piece of paper and a pencil in his hand. Sakura's eyes widened slightly as he sat in front of her and handed her both of it
Sakura : san-
San : I want you to draw me.
Sakura stared at san in shock and then scoffed shakily
Sakura : you can't be serious.
San just stared at her dead in the eye as she paused before pressing her lips together and nodding finally, taking the paper and pencil as she mumbled
Sakura : do I get paid for this?
San : only with my smiles and kisses.
Sakura smiled softly
Sakura : that will be more than enough, captain.
San smiled as he watched sakura begin to sketch the lines of his face, watching the way her face changed. Her eyebrows were furrowed in concentration, her bottom lip being chewed on as her eyes flickered between him and the paper. And the way it twinkled, a spark he'd never seen before. God, how he wished he could give her a canvas and paint, put her in a house next to a sunflower field and give her all the babies and love she'd wanted.
It had been a while and sakura had asked him to hold still at least five times now, san couldn't help it seeing the way she looked while drawing him. He would remember this during the last moments of his life, whenever that was going to be.
San : you're not blinking.
Sakura : I'm memorizing the shadows. Hold still.
San chuckled softly as he said
San : you said that ten minutes ago, darling.
Sakura : and you've fidgeted twelve times since.
San : I'm a soldier, not a statue.
Sakura : you're terrible at both.
San laughs at that, his eyes crinkling into little crescents and his dimples prominent. Sakura stared at him, forgetting her drawing for a second as that beautiful sound floated around them. He looked so…human in the firelight. Not a captain, just a man. Her man.
San : you're staring.
Sakura : I'm drawing.
San smiled softly before nodding towards the paper
San : does it always take this long?
Sakura : I don't want to finish it too quickly.
San : why not?
Sakura : because then I'll have to stop looking at you.
San smiled at that, staring at her as she continued drawing. And he sat like that for a long time, the both of them enjoying the silence. Until a while later san mumbled
San : you really love it, don't you? Drawing?
Sakura : mm, it's the only time my hands don't feel like they were made for war.
San : and the sunflower field? The house?
Sakura smiled faintly, her eyes glimmering more as it remained on the drawing
Sakura : one window facing east, so the light touches the nursery first.
San's breath caught at her words, his eyes softening as he imagined that, children that looked like them. It tore at his heart in ways that had never been done before.
San : you thought that far ahead?
Sakura : well when you don't expect to survive…you dream harder.
San stared at her for a second before whispering, his voice firm and willing
San : if this war ends, if you make it to that field-
Sakura : if I do, you'll be there too.
San : that's not how this story ends, sakura.
Sakura stared at san, seeing the way his eyes shimmered with tears. She had always loved how san felt so much, how his body responded to it almost immediately. The tears, the way his eyes softened, the slight tremble in his lips. She couldn't help it, wanted to draw them all.
And so she put the almost completed drawing aside before moving closer to him and holding both his hands, pressing her forehead against his. San closed his eyes and inhaled deeply as he mumbled shakily
San : I never thought I'd be the kind of person someone would draw.
Sakura smiled shakily as she pecked his lips before whisperingsoftly
Sakura : you're not. You're the kind I want to remember when they take everything else away.
____________________________________
A week later :
Mingi : you've endangered every man under your command, captain! And for what? A woman who would slit our throats the moment we turned away?
The other soldiers stood around him in san's tent, him having summoned them just before dinner after the news broke out that one of them had reported to the higher ups that san was fraternizing with the enemy, that he was compromised. Everyone had been thinking it for the past week, but someone had finally done it. And san had found out from the telephone he'd received from the higher ups.
A complaint, and a trial, but he knew that soon it will be ruled treason, and then execution. He knew this would happen from the beginning, but now that it finally was he felt blank. And so he sat with his arms crossed in front of him, his chin high like it always had been and his expression unmoved
San : she surrendered, she didn't slit anyone's throat.
Yunho : not yet!
San looked at yunho as he sighed exasperatedly and said
Yunho : and you think your little nightly visits went unnoticed? They're calling it treason, captain! You've become the story mothers use to scare their sons. The captain, who fell in love with the enemy.
San : she's not the enemy-
San cut himself off as sakura rushed into his tent, pausing as she saw all the soldiers around. She hadn't expected them all to be here. Some of them scoffed, the others just glaring at her
Yeosang : then who is she, captain? The woman who led the assault on our northern border? The commander who killed hundreds of our men? Tell me, captain. What do you see when you look at her?
San looked at sakura, his eyes now soft and defeated as he whispered
San : I see the person I don't want to lose.
Yeosang let out a breath at that, rubbing his hand against his face as sakura stepped closer and said in a firm voice
Sakura : this is my fault. You want someone to punish? Punish me. I'm the one who turned his heart against his duty.
San : don't do that, you didn't make me feel anything I wasn't already feeling sakura.
Sakura : you'll die for me!
San : AND I'LL DO IT AGAIN!
Sakura paused at san's yell, staring at him with desperate eyes. Yunho scoffed in part disgust as he said
Yunho : so that's what this is? A tragic little love story?
San : no. no, this is war. And in war you lose more than battles, you lose pieces of yourself. If it's me today then some day it will be you, soldier.
Yunho : are you wishing death on me too, captain?
San : I am wishing you would one day love someone so much, that you understand that giving up your life for that love is the least of what you are capable of doing for them.
Yunho : oh, that is just poetry for the weak-
San : you are dismissed soldier. Out of my tent, everyone.
The soldiers all sighed and left, sakura and wooyoung being the only ones remaining. San looked at wooyoung and realized that he was now staring at san with teary eyes
Wooyoung : I hope someday I would understand too, what it is like to love someone more than life.
Wooyoung gave san a shaky smile before walking out the tent as well. San let out a tired breath, lowering his head as sakura walked towards him. She stepped between his legs as he pressed his face against her stomach, sakura's hand cradling the back of his head against it as she whispered softly
Sakura : they don't understand.
San : I didn't expect them to.
San pulled sakura to him by the waist as she got on his lap, her arms wrapping around his neck and his around her waist. San smiled sadly, brushing a strand of her hair behind her ear as she whispered shakily
Sakura : what did they say, san?
San : a trial.
Sakura let out a breath as she looked down and mumbled
Sakura : and what are the chances of that going well?
San : 0.5 percent, if any at all. Hey, sweetheart, look at me.
Sakura shook her head as she buried her face against his shoulder, inhaling shakily. San ran his hand along her back soothingly as he whispered
San : this isn't your fault, sakura. I chose this, I chose you.
Sakura : and if they hang you I will never forgive myself for it.
San cradled the back of her head against his shoulder as he whispered
San : then we're even, because if they hang you I'll never forgive myself for it either.
______________________________
They were getting closer to the base, it was only a week and half before they would reach it and san was growing anxious, and scared as one would be knowing they're marching to their death sentence. And to make matters worse there were food shortages, and the soldiers were fussing about it.
San's muscles were taut with tension as he sat in front of the fire after the soldiers had gone to sleep, sharpening his blade mindlessly and his eyes tired from the lack of sleep these past days. Sakura walked up to him from her tent, noticing how worn he looked
Sakura : you haven't eaten.
San didn't respond to that, his hand moving with the whetstone as his breathing remained sharp and angry. He needed to be alone. Sakura sighed and moved closer, gently laying her hand on his shoulder as she massaged it gently
Sakura : san…
San : go back to sleep.
San's voice was sharp, tense, and he knew what sakura was trying to do. It annoyed him, it wasn't what he needed right now.
Sakura : you're tired, and angry. Let me help.
San : sakura just let me be, okay? I don't need this right now-
San cut himself off as sakura leaned down to kiss his neck gently and he clenched his jaw, his grip around the blade tightening
San : sakura stop, I am not in the mood just-
Sakura cut him off with a hum as she nibbled at his neck again, annoying san further until he raised his voice at her angrily
San : I SAID LET GO OF ME!
San pushed her off as sakura stumbled back from him with a gasp, a frown forming on her face at how harsh he had been with her. San let out an angry breath and stood up, throwing his blade to the ground harshly
San : I am trying to keep everyone alive here, you included, and you show up acting like you can fix it with one word?
Sakura : I am just trying to help, san. I know how this feels.
San : no you don't, you don't know how any of this feels because you never let yourself truly ever feel. Because if you did then you would know that trying to lull me into sex isn't going to be the way through this!
Sakura grimaced at san's harsh tone and icy words as he scoffed and said
San : do you want my body that bad? Do you want me to fuck you this bad that you'd take advantage of me when I am at my bloody lowest-
San was cut off with a slap as sakura glared at him angrily and seethed
Sakura : don't you dare.
San grunted as he grabbed her by her arm way too tight, borderline painful as he glared right back at her
San : and why not? Because it is what it seems like to me right now. You, using your body to lull me out of my anger as if that can do anything when I am going to die a bloody traitor!
Sakura : I am trying to help, san! I've been seeing you these past days, torturing yourself, not eating or sleeping and it is killing me!
San : and who is the reason for that, huh? If I hadn't met you, if you'd just fucking fought that day and not let us capture you I…I…
San let out a shaky breath as he shut his eyes tightly, knowing he was just saying things out of anger now
Sakura : so this is my fault? I never forced you to love me san-
San : how can you expect me to resist you, sakura!
San snapped as he gripped her close to him by both her arms, panting as he stared into her eyes
San : how can…how can anyone resist you? You…you shut me off in the beginning, refused to tell me anything and refused to show a single crack. And then when you did you…you pulled me along with you into this darkness and now I can't…I've forgotten my family because of you. What I came here for, what I was supposed to do, the life I wanted to lead after the war you…
San stared at her as he whispered shakily
San : you've destroyed everything, you've destroyed me. And I don't even want it any other way.
Sakura felt her eyes sting with tears at his words, feeling like he was blaming her. And it was bad enough that she already blamed herself and now him too, she couldn't bear it.
Sakura : I didn't come to fix you, I came because I thought you'd let me stay.
Sakura pulled back from san as fury drained from his face, realizing what he'd done. But it was too late now as sakura stepped back and mumbled shakily
Sakura : forget I came.
San watched as sakura retreated back to her tent, him falling onto the ground with a thud as he buried his face in his hands. What had he done? Why did he keep doing this to her?
San pulled the cloth that was stained with her dry blood out his pocket as he stared at it with tears streaming down his eyes, his hands trembling. San sniffled as he lowered his head and mumbled tearily
San : you've destroyed me.
__________________________
Two days later :
San had to fix this, he couldn't die knowing the only woman he's ever loved was hurt because of him. He barely had any time left and he wanted desperately to make it right. But he'd never loved before, he was horrible at this. And so he did the one thing he always did.
As he saw sakura sitting just outside her tent with her knees drawn to her chest, he went to her with his ration of the food. Like he did the first time he'd ever talked to her.
San : you haven't eaten the past few days.
And neither had he, san knew as he pushed his food to her side. Because the supplies had been low and they'd been starving for two days. But now they'd gotten some fruits plucked from nearby trees and had finally gotten enough to feed, barely. It might be the last few days they eat something before having to starve until the end.
Sakura stared at the food and then looked away. San sighed before kneeling down to her level and said softly
San : I shouldn't have said what I said, shouldn't have treated you like that. I am sorry.
Sakura just kept staring away from him as san continued
San : I wanted to hurt you because you got too close, because it was too much. I've…I've never loved anyone before the way that I love you, sakura. It's…it's too much for me sometimes.
San looked at sakura one more time before letting out a breath and standing up, not knowing what to say. Sakura looked at the food as she mumbled
Sakura : why did you bring me this?
San : because it's the only thing I can give you right now that won't fall apart when you touch it.
Sakura stared at the food for a while before looking up at san and saying
Sakura : don't talk to me again, not until you do something that is worthy enough of forgiveness.
San looked at sakura with pained eyes before nodding
San : I'll wait as long as you want, even after I'm gone if that's what it takes.
San turned and walked away from the tent as sakura just sighed and began eating the food.
_________________________________
It had been three days and san had kept his distance, giving sakura the space to heal. It had been the hardest thing to do, but he'd done it for her. Do something that was worthy of her forgiveness she'd said, given the little time they had, san had done his best not to hold her at any given moment and cherish the last few days they have together.
They had been reaching closer and closer to the base and therefore civilization, and had come across an abandoned farm, having taken that as covering for the night instead of building a tent. Which meant san and sakura had gotten a barn for themselves, san didn't care what the soldiers thought anymore when he was going to die anyway.
He knew of the reports they were sending without him knowing, except he was smart enough to find it out anyway. Wooyoung helped.
San looked at sakura who was now leaning against the wall, looking at a blood stain that was etched onto one of the walls opposite her. The farm was abandoned because the people residing in it were killed, probably by her own army as an act of war. San imagined how it could've been, a beautiful family living here happily with hopes and dreams, doing innocent work and one night, killed mercilessly.
San stepped into her view to block the horrible view as he said
San : are you planning on not talking to me until they hang me dead?
Sakura looked away, her grip on her knee tightening. San stepped closer as he whispered desperately
San : say something, please.
Sakura just pressed her lips together, staring down at her hands as san let out a shaky breath and mumbled
San : you'd rather let me rot from the inside than speak?
Sakura said nothing.
San : it's been torture staying away from you, is that not worthy enough? I've been waiting for you to break this horrible silence, yell at me, hit me, something. But I…you act like I've never even been here.
Sakura shut her eyes tightly as san knelt down in front of her and whispered
San : sakura I can't fix what I broke if you don't even tell me where it hurts.
Sakura : everywhere.
San paused at that, relief flooding into his heart at her voice. Sakura looked up at san finally as she whispered
Sakura : you want to know where it hurts? Right here.
Sakura took his hand and pressed it against her chest where her heart was as she said shakily
Sakura : you shattered the only piece of safety I ever let myself want, san.
San's eyes filled with tears at her words as he tried blinking them away, feeling her heart beat under his hand
San : let me help you.
Sakura scoffed as she mumbled
Sakura : funny how I said the same thing and you pushed me away-
San : never again, I promise on everything I have left in me that even if…even if god comes down and commands me I will never deny you of anything ever again. And I know that's a stupid promise considering the least amount of time we have where I can prove that to you but I…sakura it's all I have.
San's voice broke in the end as he pressed his forehead against hers
San : if you'll let me.
Sakura breathed shakily as she shut her eyes and whispered
Sakura : don't ever shut me out like that again.
San : not even if it kills me, sweetheart.
Sakura : I want to make love. Not…not because I'm trying to take your mind off things or because you want to make me forgive you but…but because we love each other. I want us to make love, san. Because…this might be the last time we get to do it.
San looked up at sakura as he cradled her face with his shaky hands and whispered
San : I don't know if I deserve that.
Sakura : I've killed innocents, I don't think I deserve it either. But in this moment I get to decide what you deserve, and you get to do that for me. We're sinners, we'll burn in hell for it. But…if this is our only chance at heaven on earth then I'll…I'll take it.
San let out a breath and crashed his lips against hers, gathering her into his lap like she was the most precious thing in the world as his hand went under and up her shirt. Sakura gasped, tangling her hand in his hair as he laid her down against the soft grass of the barn, panting.
San : I love you, I love you so much. More than heaven, more than life, more than anything else that could ever exist. You are my world, sakura.
Tears filled sakura's eyes as she let out a shaky chuckle and whispered
Sakura : shut up and show me then.
San smiled and dived down to kiss her neck as sakura let out a soft moan, tilting her head back and running her hand along his bare back.
He made her feel pure, even though she was covered in blood. And she made him feel like the luckiest man on earth, even if said man was going to get himself killed over this. But neither of them cared, because tonight they were just two people who loved each other. And that was enough.
