WHAT'S UP DANGER?

SAFETY ISN'T ALWAYS SAFE. YOU CAN FIND ONE ON EVERY GUN. I AM AIMING TO DO BETTER. SEBASTIAN. 25. SENIOR AGENT

[miaxseb]

what’s next?

miadoyun​:

the pout of frustration grows deeper on the teens face as he pulls through another sit up. outraged by the fact he was the only one doing this–its embarrassing too! why did it have to be in the yard, couldn’t they have done it in the training room? so what if the room is like…… empty. it’d be better than this!

the teen relaxes his body, arms flopping out beside him even though he knows he has a lot more sit ups to do. “i knew it, you just want to torture me.” he complains. his muscles are already starting to get sore and he knows he will be stiff tomorrow if he doesn’t stretch it out right. this is so lame. he only broke like… one case. they have so many cases. “what if like we just say i did all of them already?” 

he knows this is probably no use but he is going to try anyway. appealing to seb’s soft side. his team leader has always been the reliable type but he can be strict and so far doyun has never succeeded in wiggling out of punishment. 

“besides shouldn’t i keep helping them move thingss???” ignoring the fact it had been helping when he broke the case. 

"uh huh, yes," seb replies. yes, obviously he just wants to torture doyun by making him do sit ups. no; he's only kidding. doyun is very dear to him, which is part of why he must do this. sit ups to stay in shape, and a constant reminder that mistakes have consequences, even if they're accidents, so he must always be careful. doyun has a tendency to be a little careless and a bit of a mess, even if his heart is in the right place. seb thinks he'll grow out of most of it. in some ways, though, doyun's demeanor is encouraging. at least doyun hasn't needed to grow up too quickly like so many have; he is still young and able to act as such, and while it's seb's job to break him of bad habits and help him grow into a good agent, he thinks it's also his job to protect him so he can maintain some of that innocence.

"no," seb replies. "the less you complain the more stamina you'll have to finish your sit ups and the faster you'll be finished." he tries to think of some way to sate doyun; something fun they can do as a reward for him finishing, but they are breaking meia down and the world outside is a wasteland, and some things simply must be done without the promise of anything good on the other side, even for as kind as seb is.

"you can help them move things after your sit ups, if they say it's okay." they really could use all the hands they can get to pack up the building and prepare for their move, but those hands have to be careful, and with doyun's track record...well, maybe it's better he do something else. "i'm sure we'll be able to find something for you to do."

[miaxseb]

–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– « bad lightning

miajuwon​:

« ▒░

“i… i lied to you,” he whispers, the words ripping themselves from a painfully tight throat, his eyes glossy even as he fights not to squeeze or drop the apple slices. looking down at them is easier than looking at seb, and he shakes his head slowly. “you… you should hate me.”

he just can’t understand why seb is talking to him like he still cares. like he still matters. it had been baffling enough for insoo, who had been the first person to hear the truth, to still try and find excuses for him and defend him. but daesu had hugged him, and haneul had always known. he had thought for certain that seb would at least be angry. if he was in any of their places, he doesn’t know if he could have forgiven himself.

there are so many things weighing on his heart. he doesn’t spend a night where he doesn’t wake up dreaming about sieon, and the blood warm on his hands. some nights it’s daesu. some nights, it’s gaeul. seb. insoo. suhwan. always, the knife in his hands is the one stained with blood, and the sickening thing? he might have done it, if kaiser had ordered it earlier.

there’s no excuse. “how can you still care?” he chokes out, filled with self-loathing.

juwon looks abysmal, and seb didn't expect any different. seb was vacant after the deaths of his siblings, and juwon has the blood of one of his closest friends on his hands now. he also has the added factor of revealing his true allegiance; of the definition of brutal honesty, and of consequences and mistrust and anger everywhere he looks should the rest of meia know. he does not envy him.

seb can't pretend he understands what it's like to turn his back on meia. loyalty was instilled in him from practically the moment he was born. seaside raised him; seaside was family after his blood was reduced to nothing but the bracelets he wears around his wrists, and even before. when seaside fell, and he witnessed kaiser's evil with his own eyes, and maylin promised a chance at salvation, he believed in her. he's never doubted her since. maylin isn't perfect, and neither is her agency or the agents within it, but they are good. seb believes this, and juwon was raised like he was–– or he thought so. similarly. he spent too much time to not be good deep down.

and he supposes, maybe, if kaiser offered him salvation first, he might've believed him instead. he knows the man was incredibly influential and persuasive. he could paint his lies and selfish ambitions as a plan for the greater good, all of the pain and death he caused a worthy sacrifice for their great mission. he doesn't know why juwon trusted kaiser instead of maylin. maybe that part does bother him. what did they do wrong? what pain in him did kaiser and the sra take advantage of, and could seb have done anything about it?

he tries to ignore that thought, knowing it's unreasonable. his unjustified guilt won't change the present. maybe it can prevent future mistakes, but that doesn't matter right now. what matters is his old friend in front of him, unable to meet his eyes, claiming he should hate him.

he doesn't, but seb hums briefly in consideration anyway, because juwon deserves his honesty, though seb can never be anything but kind even in this. "in a way, maybe i am angry," seb admits. "but...it's more at kaiser and the sra than you. sure, you made your choices in the end, and that's something you'll have to atone for. but..." he doesn't know what he wants to say. he doesn't really know how he feels about all of this. he doesn't think he has the right to be the overwhelmed one, but sra has fallen, meia is moving, and one of his former baby agents is a traitor, if he's not mincing words. he hasn't paused to consider his own feelings. (he thinks it's better if he doesn't.)

"but being angry with you won't help anything, and i can tell you're sorry. the past is the past and there's nothing more i can ask from you right now. i don't like the person resentment makes me. the energy hatred takes is better spent on other things, so even if i was angry enough at you to hate you, i still don't think i would be able to." maybe that's a problem. maybe that's something he'll consider later, when he's laying awake, mind racing through what if's, through all the potential mistakes of the future and how to prevent them. maybe he should be angry.

"but i'm not angry at you. honestly...i think i'm more confused than anything. i just...want to know why you did it. you don't have to tell me, but i keep thinking, you must've had a good reason, because the juwon i knew wouldn't...betray meia, without a really good reason," but he's afraid the reason won't be good enough. what does he do, if juwon tells him, and he doesn't understand? he shakes his head lightly, and plasters that soft smile back on his face, suddenly aware of how troubled he must look, and maybe he spoke with a little too much honesty; a little too much emotion.

there will be time for that later, and if there's not, he'll keep going regardless. he always does.

[miadoyun]

what’s next?

@miaxseb​

the windy day has left a dusty haze lingering in the sky. Obstructing visibility for the two agents which could have been a big problem but considering they were in the agency grounds and within yelling range of the other agents, it’s not as big a deal. at least that’s what doyun wants to believe. there’s been so much going on that he doesn’t want to worry about what could happen. 

“why am i the only one forced to do this?” the teen complains as he curls up to his knees from his sit up position. his feet being held down by his ever cruel team leader. sure, maybe doyun caused a desk to slide down the stairs and break a crate of medical vials. but it’s not like he did it on purpose.

“shouldn’t this be like–” he huffs out as he lays back and then sits up again. the sweat on his brow becoming a little annoying but he refuses to pause because he just wants to be done. “–a team building chance or something?” 

maybe he should focus more and chatter less, but doyun has always been a chatter box. “how is this helpful to whats going on anyway?” and whining is his favorite thing to do. 

[miaxseb]

some things never change.

a lot does: gathering up belongings and supplies, preparing them to move, meia uprooted and readying to meet the remnants of their sister agency. there's a lot of confusion, and seb tells anyone that asks that it's important that they help gha as best as they can–– that it's better if they're all there. they'll have more support, and more eyes and hands to look for survivors, and more weapons should matters go south.

of course, there are plenty more people to die as well, but seb tries not to think about that aspect. he's never doubted maylin before and he's not about to start now.

doyun causing trouble doesn't really change, though, whether it's intentional or not. "i'm hoping that if i torture you enough it'll eventually get through your head that you need to be more careful," he half jokes. "besides, it's important you train these muscles too," not to mention the fact that geon is in such a despaired state over the gha news, seb doesn't want to bother him with something like this, team building exercise or not. "maybe next time," he comments regardless, and he really does hope that one day they'll be able to return to some degree of normalcy, where seb can make his entire team do pushups and listen to them all complain lightheartedly.

"i need you in the best shape possible," he replies, which is true enough. they have a big mission coming up, after all– granted, seb doesn't know whether doyun will be among the chosen agents to head into the city or not. "and i need to keep you busy so you don't break anymore medical vials." that's the real answer.

[miaxseb]

–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– « bad lightning

miajuwon​:​

« ▒░

there’s a knock on his door that startles him out of his thoughts, and he unfolds himself from the little ball he’d curled up into on the couch, hesitating. who could be knocking at his door? he can’t think of anyone who would want to visit him right now — he hasn’t been very good company these past weeks, unresponsive and quiet and burdened. now that the secret is out? he wants to see people even less. 

but there’s a soft beep from his communicator, and he’s surprised to see that it’s a message from seb, pain aching deep in his heart, and he stumbles towards the door on somewhat numb feet. how long had he been sitting there? 

not mad? juwon can’t believe that. why wouldn’t seb be mad?

opening the door slowly, he bites his lip when he meets seb’s gaze, eyes flickering away just as quickly as he takes a step back to let seb inside.

the juwon that meets him at the door is a ghost compared to every juwon he's seen before; well, aside from the one he saw when insoo broke the news of juwon's true affiliation. somehow, he looks worse now, with further time to sink into himself and reflect on the reality of his situation. or maybe that's just seb's imagination.

either way, he's glad he opens the door and lets him in, and he offers him a soft smile and nod as he enters. for now, in his apartment, there's no evidence that anything has changed. he's sure in the coming days, once the head agents learn the truth, they will search his room from top to bottom, and seb can't help but wonder what really is in this room. he almost wants to ask: are we being recorded right now? but he doesn't want to scare juwon further. first, he suspects juwon would've removed any recording devices when he confessed to being a spy, and then, he's afraid doing so would reveal his turning on them to the sra. regardless, he's sure they'll learn the truth eventually. it'll be on meia to protect him, and seb will be one of the people that does. that much isn't a question for him.

he isn't sure what to say first, truthfully, so he just turns to him and hands him the apple slices while he considers his next words. "i wanted to make sure you ate something," he explains. "i know you've been under a lot of stress. it's easy to forget, but even if you aren't hungry, it's important to try. not eating will just make you feel worse." he knows that from experience too, as does he know that following those words are easier said than done. "i know you're probably just trying to survive right now, and that's fine, but it won't stop me from nagging you." he smile softly once more. seb considers it part of his job.

he's sure that right now, juwon can't understand why seb is being so kind to him. seb imagines the guilt he feels now must be similar to the guilt he felt after killing his brother in a slightly different way. juwon betrayed them more literally, but seb felt like a traitor too for a while. he knew he had to kill him, and yet he felt like he turned his back on his family. it must be even worse for juwon, knowing the depth of the damage he helped cause. when seb thinks about that...about the destruction of meia months ago, and the pain lerissa went through, he grows a little more resentful. seb hates that. he doubts juwon knew exactly what his actions would cause, and regardless, he regrets them now. that's what matters. they can't change the past.

"i know you'll probably spend a long time trying to make up for all of this," seb says at last, and he means all of it: sieon's death, his work for the sra. "and maybe that's for the best. it'll make sure you still have purpose. that's the way i looked at it, and the...way i still do, i suppose."

he figures he owes juwon more of an explanation. he doesn't want to make this about himself, but he isn't sure how much juwon wants to talk. he figures he should gauge that for sure first, though, so he shakes his head lightly, with another soft smile. "i should ask you how you're doing first. i figure it's not very well, but...we haven't had the chance to talk for a while." what's the main thing he wants juwon to know, if nothing else? that he forgives him. but does he really? does he really already? how honest does he want to be with juwon? what does he think will save him the most pain? "that might sound really intimidating, i'm sorry," and he laughs a little. "i'm not mad at you. honestly, i think i'm still processing the truth too, but...i know what kaiser does. i know you had your reasons for listening to him, and you telling us the truth speaks to your good heart. i forgive you for that."

there are other aspects that he thinks will take longer to forgive, as much as he wishes he could let it go immediately. there are new matters to forgive himself for now too, like raising him on team raven and not realizing anything was amiss; for being his friend growing up and not noticing anything different when he returned. maybe he was too relieved to have him back, or maybe he is simply too trusting. maybe that's something he needs to reconsider.

maybe that's what hurts the most, though: not senior agent sebastian's honor or loyalty to meia, but the remnants of yoomin still deep within his heart that says i thought we were friends?

[miaxseb]

–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– « bad lightning

tragedy in meia isn’t new. what kaiser did to the agency on their last major mission was a tragedy, as was the fall of gha, which they’ll be leaving to investigate soon.

as is sieon’s death at juwon’s hand; a necessary action, but a painful one nonetheless. seb knows firsthand. every time he hears news of someone having to put down a fellow agent that turned, his heart aches with his own memories: his sister’s limp body, his brother’s blood on his hands, and the way he sat there afterwards, time bleeding by at a rate he couldn’t decipher, heavy with the knowledge that he was the last one left. his family was gone, his brother at his own hand and his sister due to his failure to act. 

it’s a responsibility he still carries with him today; a mistake he still tries to make up for with every mission and every moment of his life. 

he doesn’t want juwon to know that pain, but now he does. it could be worse: at least it’s only sieon’s life, not two lives lost, but seb knows that doesn’t make a difference to those in mourning. the pain is still insurmountable. the weight of it is still suffocating. 

he knows.

seb kept it together by training, and only broke down in the company of agents that insisted it was okay to be sad, that insisted he needed to be sad, and let himself process his own grief. sometimes he thinks he never really did, filling the holes in his heart with work and distractions instead of letting it heal naturally, and maybe he didn’t. he’s here regardless, though, and he thinks maybe, the fact that his own pain has never gone away might help those with fresh grief like juwon.

sieon’s death would be enough, but now seb knows juwon carried a different weight on his shoulders all this time, too: kaiser’s mission and expectations. seb doesn’t know how much he’s processed the news that juwon is a sra spy yet himself. he has too many questions he wants to know the answers to but doesn’t want to ask, because juwon is already fragile enough without needing to offer up explanations or justifications to seb. how long has he been a spy? what has he told kaiser? what did kaiser tell him? how much of their time since juwon returned to meia has been real?

maybe he’ll know the answers eventually. he doubts he’ll know now, but he has more than enough reason to check on juwon, between his friend’s death and his massive revelation. he imagines juwon’s very world flipped upside down, his life uprooted altogether. seb isn’t sure how to help him through this yet, but he knows he wants to. at the end of the day, he’s still juwon. there’s still more good in him than bad, otherwise he wouldn’t have put his very life on the line to confess the truth to insoo. seb wants to make sure they don’t lose that part of juwon, because it is too easy to lose hope and grow cold in situations like these. he wants to make sure juwon feels like he made the right decision in telling them.

it’s why he shows up at juwon’s door and knocks, baggie of apple slices in hand, because he doubts juwon has eaten lately and he wants to make sure he has something. 

he shoots off a quick message through his communicator, too: it’s me. open up. i’m not mad at you.

« @miajuwon

[miaxseb]

Twilight Stroll

mia-zer0​:

Huh, he wouldn’t have thought there would be any space up on top of the roof. Maybe he was wrong. Also, he had a guide, so finding the right stairwell wouldn’t be a chore. Sero was good with his directions and sense of place but even MEIA was hard to memorize in such a short time.

Sero listens as he and the older agent step through the doors to the agency, back under its protective wing for the time being. Kinda like an umbrella, he thinks.

And then his face deadpans at the other’s comment. “Ducks? Really?” What was he, five? That was something kids did, right? …wait, had he ever seen a duck in real life? He tries to pass off his lack of knowledge and confusion as being simply uninterested but it probably doesn’t work. “Those, uh…those are the birds with the weird beaks and feet, right?” Gods he felt stupid.

“what, you don’t like the ducks?” seb replies with a light laugh. he supposes he could take offense to zero’s tone, but he doesn’t. zero gives him the impression of a bit of a rebellious teenager, despite being older than a teen. it's strange; some of the agents grow up too fast, and some seem to stay children for a while. maybe people are just like that. in zero's case, however, he might credit it to lack of human interaction. he has a feeling that once he meets the ducks he'll like them.  “lots of the younger agents like the ducks. well–– the older ones too, i suppose. watching them can feel like...a bit of a break from the rest of the world. something a little peaceful."

he raises his eyebrows in surprise at zero's next comment. no, it would make sense that he hasn't seen a duck in person. it's not like they regularly waddle around invicta. "yes," he replies with a nod. "it'll be fun to see them. come on." he smiles, and jerks his head in the direction of the stairs that lead to the roof.

he guides them there, and once they finally reach the top floor, he swings open the door. with it comes that familiar and welcome feeling of the wind from outside rushing in, giving way to the rooftop itself.

"here we are," seb announces, stepping outside and then aside so zero can take everything in. meia's roof is pretty impressive: the gardens, all of the seating areas, and of course, the ducks.

[miaxseb]

lay it down ,

miajina​:

« ▒░

she smiles a little when seb nods in acknowledgment of her words, of his team being one of fighters. but she doesn’t say anything, nothing needed to be said in response to that, instead just continuing to hold him until he pulls away, taking a deep breath. she lets him pull away, smiling a little bit as she reaches out to brush his hair out of his face. “it’s going to be okay,” she says quietly, unknowingly echoing the words that he’s repeating to himself.

“you need to rest, seb,” she insists gently. “i bet you haven’t gotten much sleep since they got back,” her voice is knowing and she had predicted that he would respond like this. “i promise,” she says quietly, meeting his with understanding, “i’ll stay and wake you up if they need you for anything. you won’t miss anything, seb.”

“let’s go… okay?” she says with a small smile, getting to her feet gingerly, pausing a moment to let her knees adjust to no longer being on the ground.

it's going to be okay.

"yes," he agrees. it always is okay eventually. even if none of his team made it back today-- if all of them fell like the senior agent that accompanied them today --it would still be okay. he would tell himself the same thing, like always, and he would pack them all away in the corner of his heart dedicated to the countless souls he's lost over the years. it's just a side effect of being the meia agent that survives, again and again and again. one day he won't be. he knows one day, he will go out into the field, and he will be one of those agents that doesn't come back alive. he isn't afraid of that day. he doesn't want to burden the others with grief, but if his death didn't impact anyone else, he might welcome it with open arms.

it's just a part of living like this. they don't live in the world his mother used to tell him about and dream of for him and his family. they live surrounded by blood and death, but it's normal. sometimes seb resents it. if he doesn't deserve better than this, the others do; they deserve a life where they won't know mourning like the back of their hand, where grief isn't so familiar that it makes itself at home in them.

so maybe this is a good thing. this rare terror is a sign that he is still human, despite the darkness of this world. he'll try to look at it like that, even if he wants to stay reliable and level-headed; this is fear because of love, and this world needs that more than anything. this is how he stays warm. this is how he stays part of the good in this world instead of something cold.

rest. jina is right, of course. he hasn't slept at all since he received word of his team's state, and as much as he's used to functioning like this, he'll function better if he manages even an hour of sleep. jina will tell him if there's any news, so what use is there in him staying awake fretting when he would be more helpful to everyone rested. "okay," he agrees with a sigh that sounds more defeated than he means for it to. he still doesn't know if he'll be able to sleep, but it's worth a try. he stands up as well, and when he does, his limbs feel heavy.

he still doesn't like feeling so weak in front of jina, but she, at the very least, doesn't seem bothered by it in the slightest. it's just his problem, then. he'll have to set his pride aside, even if just this once.

[miajina]

eyes on the cup ,

meia juneiverse with @miaxseb !

landing on the pitch, brushing her windswept hair out of her face and joining the rest of the gryffindor team in a victory huddle, she can’t help her wide smile when she meets her twin’s eyes, proud of him for catching the little golden snitch at just the proper time. games against hufflepuff are always a challenge — seb is too good of a keeper, and the chasers (including her) often have a more difficult time scoring against him. which means that the pressure is even more on jinseo to catch the snitch in time. jina’s a good chaser, but even so, seb blocks more goals than she manages to score on him.

but still, they’d won, which means that she gets to claim something from seb — whether he already has something in mind or whether he’ll let her choose is something that she’s not sure about. seb makes her feel all fluttery and nervous inside, though she tries to hide it. head boy, unbearably kind, attractive — well, needless to say, jina isn’t the only one with a crush on him. 

sometimes she thinks that he likes her too. there are hints towards that being potentially the truth — the way he treats her, indulges some of the things she asks for, sometimes the way that he pays special attention to what she says. but at the same time, she’s also never sure if that’s just him being nice. because seb is nice. regardless, there are so many other people that seb could be interested in, she fears entertaining the thought too earnestly, lest she be disappointed in the end. 

but she swallows down her nerves to bounce over to him with a bright smile, grinning at him. “good game, as always,” she says happily. “you’re one hell of a keeper, seb. i’m going to beat you one day in this, mark my words,” she says with a mock threatening tone, pointing a finger at him dramatically.  

[miaxseb]

another day, another hard fought game against gryffindor. this time, hufflepuff didn't come out on top. seb usually thinks about everything he could've done better after every game, but this time, jinseo caught the snitch, so it wasn't really his fault for not blocking the chasers from scoring more points.

he usually doesn't mind losing to gryffindor too much anyway, because it means losing to jinseo and jina, both of which are his friends-- but jina in particular.

when she bounds over to him well after the game has ended and he's cleaned up, he laughs. "you already did beat me," he replies, and a smile that soon turns more teasing. "though i guess that was jinseo, actually?"

it was technically jinseo this time, but gryffindor has beat hufflepuff off the back of jina's scoring before, even if hufflepuff does come out on top more often than not. jina is skilled. seb just has a tendency to throw himself into anything he likes wholeheartedly, so he practices, and he practices, and he practices, more than he needs to, probably. he likes keeping busy, though (as if his duties as head boy don't keep him busy enough.)

it's odd to think of jina as a thing he likes, because she's a person, of course, but nevertheless, he thinks the same might apply to her as any of his hobbies. it could, anyway; not yet. he's afraid of it. he doesn't think it's healthy to throw himself wholeheartedly into a person, or at the very least, it's risky, but jina is a person he likes.

just a little. he tries not to think about it more than just a little, because he knows he can't do anything halfway. either he likes her just a little, or with every bone in his body. somehow, he knows, if he were to care for anyone like that, jina is among the best; she is kind and smart and compassionate, and even if she didn't return his feelings, he knows she would handle his heart with care. what more can he ask for than that, really?

he can think of a few things, but every time he does, he intentionally thinks of something else to distract himself, like now: "alright, you won, so i owe you this time. did you have anything in mind?"

[miaxseb]

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– « the run down

miajina​:

« ▒░

“seb,” she says and her voice is filled with relief just to see him safe, giving him a tremulous smile in return for the warm smile he’d offered her. at his suggestion, though, she can’t help but glance at her brother’s sleeping figure, obviously reluctant.

but it’s seb, and if there’s someone she trusts with everything, it’s him. if even he’s willing to leave the med wing for a while, with people he loves dearly, then she knows it will be okay. if there’s someone who loves jinseo and daesu as much as she does, it would probably be seb. and she knows juwon is on his team. she’d even held him through the incident of four months ago that had landed his whole team in the med wing.

even so, it takes her a few moments to convince herself, standing up quietly and she offers him a small little smile. she doesn’t answer his questions quite yet, instead simply acquiescing with a soft “… alright,” moving towards him to wrap her arms around him in a hug, unable to resist seeking comfort from him.

seb feels safe. she’s safe, and everyone else will be, too. 

he can see jina's reluctance, even as he smiles back at her, and seb doesn't blame her. he's been in this position many times himself, at least to some extent. he imagines it's different, because he never had a twin brother to fret over, but he remembers the times his older brother landed himself in the med wing as an agent. even for as young as he was back then, his worry was immense, and he always hovered around his hospital bed too, until even yoojung was well enough to tell him to go home and stop worrying so much. seb has just always been like that: worrying, caring so much, maybe too much. he was just worse at hiding it back then; worse at controlling it, less hardened by the constant war and influx of death.

even he isn't immune to grief, though, or fear. he just doesn't feel it now; not yet. everyone is here in the hands of the medics now. they're probably as safe as they can be in this world here, and strangely, he feels like there's nothing else he can do.

maybe, if one of them doesn't survive, then, he'll feel guilt; guilt over not being more concerned, over not preparing them better, over not getting that serum into daesu soon enough, over any number of things. he doesn't dwell on that thought, though. he doesn't want to give it too much traction, or any sort of foothold to become reality.

she agrees with his suggestion, and seb is glad. he's glad when she hugs him too. it isn't necessarily a surprise that the other agents come to him for reassurance; he's worked hard for that role and reputation, after all. it just always brings him a little relief too, that he can provide some comfort in trying times such as these; that they trust him for it. he's glad, too, that he's stable enough for it, too. he can be a pillar of support instead of something crumbling, at least for now.

it's probably good for him too. he doesn't think he needs the comfort, but it serves as a deeper reminder of those that survived. there are so many that didn't, but he and jina did, and so did everyone else in this room, maybe against all odds. he still doesn't know the exact body count of those they lost, or their names, but he counted up those most important to him and they are all as safe as they can be after an incident like this, and he'll count his blessings too.

he pulls away from the hug, and takes jina's hand without hesitation, leading the way down the hallway. truthfully, he doesn't have anywhere to go in mind yet, aside from away, so he hums in thought. "where should we go?" he asks her. "fresh air might be nice? i'm not sure how much of the roof was damaged, but we could see if we're allowed up there. or the patio. you didn't answer my question about if you ate recently yet, either." personally, he can't remember the last time he ate either. maybe they should tackle that first.

[miaxseb]

meiakrp:

You receive a message to your coms device. 

NEW MESSAGE FROM JINX : ( •_•)>⌐■-■ hey there. you’ve been doing a good job. 

NEW MESSAGE FROM SOL : (⌐■_■) we’re proud of you, senior agent. 

NEW MESSAGE FROM MAYLIN : Continue guiding the agency and all her agents to the best of your abilities.

NEW MESSAGE FROM LERISSA : If you ever need help! Come down to the medic wing, okay? Or else. 💞

NEW MESSAGE FROM ALISTAIR : I fixed up your defensive gear today, make sure to swing by and get it fitted correctly (thumbs up)

NEW MESSAGE FROM CELEST : I have been watching and I have been seeing. …. Good work, agent. 

seb gets countless messages to his communicator. usually it’s someone needing help, or advice, or a reply to a message he sent checking on someone. on occasion, it’s a message of gratitude or asking how he’s doing. sometimes the head agents message him, but usually they need something too, and regardless, praise will always come as a surprise to him.

he can’t help but laugh when he reads the messages, because the differing tones of each amuses him, but he’s grateful. he smiles fondly at them for a moment before typing up his own message and sending it out to all six of them.

NEW MESSAGE TO…HEAD AGENTS: 

just doing my job. thank you everyone. i’ll keep doing my best. you all take care of yourselves, and i’ll come see you soon, alistair 👍

[miaxseb]

–––––––– « unstoppable force meets immovable object

seb mostly plays defense.

seb can run fast enough, sure, but there are others on this capture the flag team that are faster, and they're the ones best suited for trying to retrieve the enemy team's flag. seb is sturdier than most on the team (aside from seoyun, who literally has enhanced endurance, of course.)

maybe seb's biggest boon, however, is how observant he is. he always keeps his senses keen, listening for the slightest sounds, waiting for the tiniest shifts in atmosphere; any sign of an approaching enemy, whether they're demon or someone attempting to capture his team's flag.

maybe it's not the most exciting task to stand guard, but seb doesn't mind it. someone has to do it if they want to win, and while he doesn't care too much about that, he does want them to do the best they can. in some ways it's nice to have some time to himself, too.

he hears what sounds like a footstep, and stands more alertly on guard, trying to determine where it came from. another step, and then they get more frequent, and faster, and he can tell where they're coming from now. they're still in front of him, so if he predicts where the assailant will be, he can stop them.

sure enough, he rushes to his right, and sees his enemy running toward him. "agent nano," he greets her, with a smile a little more smug than usual for him. he blocks her path, and stands ready to continue to do so no matter which way she tries to go next.

« @nanoxmia

[lunaxmia]

again

the more you know love the larger the pain i don’t buy that

@miaxseb

the chatter of agents all around, from baby to junior to senior and even the head agents is something that haneul hasn’t seen in years. the atmosphere is so incredibly bright and despite the noise, it’s a pleasant sort of feeling. she can’t be in the thick of things — although the month back has helped her acclimatize to hearing so many voices again, it still gets rapidly overwhelming to be bombarded with so many thoughts in close proximity. even though the voices are still loud in her mind, they’re a little easier to ignore when she sits a little bit further away from the group.

the light from the bonfire is dimmer here, the chatter a little quieter, and it’s somewhere where haneul can hear herself think. it’s been a good week, she feels. the sound of laughter has dominated the last week in a way that it hadn’t amidst the solemn atmosphere that had befalllen meia when she’d first returned, just over a month ago.

she’d gotten a chance to get to know the members of her team — both the familiar and the unfamiliar, although her team seems so far to be filled with people that she’d known as they grew from children to teenagers. she’d only seen part of their transformations into adults, but four years have made a big difference.

then, of course, there are people who she had left as peers, who have surpassed her in their growth, and she couldn’t be prouder. glancing up at the people around the bonfire, she smiles a little bit when she makes eye contact with a familiar figure, a very dear friend.

she doesn’t say anything to him, just a smile — he looks like he’s having a good time, and that’s enough for her.

[miaxseb]

weeks like this are rare, so seb tries to treasure them.

sure, it's still training. it's not the peaceful life his mother wished for him, or that he wishes for the baby agents beneath him, but everything feels lighter. the air isn't so thick with grief anymore. instead, it's laughter, people making new friends and reconnecting with old ones, enjoying themselves instead of fighting for their lives.

it's especially so around the bonfire, the grand finale of the week's events, and for seb, it's a little bittersweet. he's always been idealistic; he wishes life could always feel the same way the past week has. the teamwork, the camaraderie, the trust and the safety. he supposes if every week was like this, it would stop feeling so special, wouldn't it? but seb doesn't think that would be too bad. if only they were allowed the privilege of boredom; of repeating the same mundane tasks over and over with little excitement. maybe that's the kind of life they should really strive for. maybe that's the true measure of peace.

he wishes the fact that all of this is temporary didn't haunt him the entire night. after midnight, when the bonfire gets put out and they all head back to their rooms, life will return to normal, and he supposes he's lucky he can even say that after recent events.

until then, he talks with as many people as he can, and tries to take in all of their smiles. he tries to bask in this minor joy, however temporary it may be.

he catches haneul's eyes right when his conversation with someone else wraps up. he gives them a final warm pat on the back before he turns to haneul fully and makes his way over to her, taking a seat beside her.

he lets out a sigh, though it's a pleasant one, for once. "i'm glad you made it back for this, instead of everything else," he comments, perhaps too heavy for the light tone he says it in, but that's just life, isn't it? besides, this is haneul, one of his good friends that he accepted he would never see again. he knows she of all people will understand why he says what he does-- even if she couldn't also read his mind.

seb learned a long time ago that there was no use trying to hide anything from haneul. early in their time together, he tried to control his thoughts around her and only think of things he wanted her to know, but of course, that only made the opposite happen. now, he accepts that he has no choice but be an open book with her, and unfortunately, now, that means haneul must know about his reservations about her.

he hopes she can discern the meaning and intentions behind his thoughts better than he can; if she knows why he can't help but feel a little suspicious of her return so shortly after kaiser also appeared to them. he wants to trust her, to believe this is truly the haneul he knows and loves, but he can't be certain, and part of him is afraid he never will know. maybe eventually, with enough time with her, he won't care anymore.

for now, he accepts that she knows this, and also figures she understands without him even saying anything. there was a time where he felt like he needed to defend himself and his thoughts to her, but not anymore, and at least this much hasn't changed.

"how are you doing?" he asks her instead, with a smile. "loud?" the bustle around them, he means. he can't imagine hearing other people's thoughts unprompted.

[miajuwon]

& i’m falling down

* / LOADING… current events with @miaxseb !

ever since juwon had woken up the first time, it’s been easier and easier to stay awake in longer intervals, though he still feels like he spends a large majority of his time sleeping. he should be more used to this, he thinks, considering it’s not the first time that he’s had to recover from a poisoned demon injury. and he knows that while insoo had gotten to him right away with the serum, thus saving him from much more severe consequences, there had also still been the added blood loss to contend with than there had been last time.

his chest still tightens when he tries to remember back to the hazy memories that are all he can recall of the mission. he distinctly remembers deliberately injuring himself and insoo healing him. he remembers moving forward, and he vaguely remembers the demon that had bore down on him. but everything after that is a haze of pain.

so far, juwon has had precious little to do in his bed other than to think. and he keeps thinking about the promise he had made to seb before the mission about coming back safely. he’d meant to return just fine, perhaps a little sore from a self-inflicted injury, but he hadn’t planned on losing consciousness, waking up in the medical wing with no memory of anything that had happened at the safe zone, and then being confined to bed rest for two and a half weeks. this is nothing near alright, and the guilt sits heavy in juwon’s stomach.

seb has come in before. from what he’d heard, it’s an everyday occurrence. juwon has only seen it twice thus far, but both times, he’s pretended to be asleep, guilt preventing him from facing his team leader and friend. there had been so much death and destruction, or so he had heard. so many people had died. had juwon been the cause of some of it? was he really helping to strengthen the human race?

he doesn’t deserve to talk to seb. he knows the other is going to be far too understanding, and juwon doesn’t deserve that, right now.

he shakes his head slightly, shaking himself out of his thoughts, and he opens his eyes to see a familiar face, one that he’s avoided thus far in his stay in the medical wing. it takes him a long moment before he can muster up his voice, guilt choking it off, and he swallows visibly before he whispers, “i’m so sorry, seb…”

[miaxseb]

seb tries to visit the makeshift med wing every day. so far, he's succeeded, though the patients most familiar to him still have several days left in their stay. some days, it's only been for a few minutes, while others, it's been an hour or more, even when all he did was sit there and watch them all breathe.

maybe it's strange, or maybe even cruel, to feel so thankful after such tragic events, but that's seb's strongest emotion. gratitude, that he still gets to watch them all breathe, that they are not simply some of the many bodies they've burned this week. they still have beating hearts, blood in their veins, still fighting on despite their injuries, despite the likelihood of loss in this world. every day, seb finds comfort in the rise and fall of their chests, even when they aren't awake.

today, however, juwon is awake. it's the first time since he's been visiting, and the first time they really get to see each other since right before the mission where everything went wrong. of course, seb asks the medics how everyone is doing every time he visits, even the ones that are asleep; especially the ones that are asleep, maybe. he knows juwon has been awake, he just hasn't been lucky enough to catch him until now.

daesu is daesu; he's his best friend, but seb knows daesu will be fine, and there will be plenty of time for them to talk later, given how long daesu is confined to his hospital bed. juwon, however, is one of seb's baby agents; an irreplaceable part of his team, so maybe he takes a little more interest in juwon's wellbeing than the others. it isn't that he cares about him more, it's just that...he feels more responsible for him. did this happen because seb didn't prepare him well enough? no, surely not. most incidences like this are...more chance than anything else.

the first thing juwon utters to him is an apology, and for a moment, seb doesn't even understand why. he remembers soon, however; juwon is probably sorry for getting hurt when he told him he'd be careful. that it would be okay.

"you didn't do anything wrong," he assures him with a shake of his head, completely unaware of how untrue that statement is. "happens to the best of us." seb wishes that wasn't true. they have lost too many good agents in his life. (he's lost too many good agents in his life.)

"you made it back in one piece...mostly," he smiles, hoping it'll lighten the weight juwon clearly bears on his shoulders. seb doesn't want him to carry that on his behalf. "that's what matters. it's going to be okay." he uses juwon's own words now, and offers a soft, close-lipped smile. "we're okay, in the end." all of team raven survived, regardless of their injuries, and seb supposes that's what he has to focus on to keep his head on his shoulders.

it's easy enough. he's done it for years now.

[miahelios]

but i digress.

post mission with @miaxseb

it’s been 24 hours since the kids were discharged.

the room feels so much bigger when its just him in here and, though he loves his team and cousins so much, the silence is almost comforting. the tenseness in his shoulders eases out as he leans back against his pillows. sitting half propped up in his bed with a book open in his lap but he isn’t reading it. his gaze is far away, lips pulled into a frown.

he can’t help the heavy feeling he feels in his head, in his heart. his hand raises to run along his neck and though he cant feel anything he knows the faint markings rest along his once clear skin. the proof of how close she came to losing control–losing himself. the medics were taking precautions because without lerissa being awake to heal him there is no guarantee the poison is fully gone. it touched his heart and daesu wonders how he managed to hold on as long as he did. even now he can feel that darkness creeping in the corners of his mind. flickering in the sides of his vision as if taunting him.

he hadn’t let himself ponder it, or the mission, while the kids were still in the room but now there is nothing holding him back from remembering. processing.

he hears the click of the door opening and his shoulders tense before he lets out a sigh, sinking a little further into his bed. a small smile pulls across his lips but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “ah, must be my lucky day if you’re visiting me.” the shadows in his mind can be dealt with later.

the guilt comes back ten fold though as he looks at his closest friend. once again he has put seb through so much and daesu wonders how the younger agent continues to put up with him. but, he is oh so grateful.

“did you see the kids? they all booked it from the med wing so quickly, not that i can blame them.”

[miaxseb]

maybe he's still in shock.

maybe that's why he hasn't been worried sick over lerissa, or over the number of agents he cares for in the makeshift med wing. maybe that's why he hasn't mourned any of the dead, and why none of it feels that bad.

or maybe it's because he knows it could've been worse. he knows jinseo, juwon, seoyun and suhwan just as easily could've died out there. he knows he was mere minutes, if not seconds, away from having to put down the demon version of his best friend in front of an illusion of their greatest enemy.

he hasn't even really thought about the fact that he doesn't even know what all of it was for. he nearly lost daesu for what, a briefcase? why was it so important? though he supposes if they weren't out in the field they were just as likely to die, if not moreso, judging by the damage they got back to.

but they didn't. his team survived-- those closest to him survived, and maybe it's selfish of him to feel relieved when so many others didn't. it doesn't change the fact that he's grateful.

he's grateful that everyone was released, too, safe and cleared to return back to their normal lives-- as normal as they can be after all of this. everyone but daesu is released, anyway. seb visited them all every day, even if only for a few minutes, and he intends to keep it up until all of them are discharged, his poisoned best friend included.

"you say that like i haven't visited every day," seb laughs, but he can see the troubled look in daesu's eyes even if he tries to mask it with a smile. he doesn't push, though; at least not yet.

"yeah," he laughs again. "it's good to see them living their lives again." it's meant to be lighthearted, but somehow the words feel heavy once they're in the air. he wonders how those lives will change now, and if they'll be afraid on their next missions. no, probably not. both juwon and seoyun already suffered through near death experiences, even if the cases were entirely different. jinseo and jina undoubtedly suffered as children before they found their way to meia, and who knows what happened to suhwan in the years he was gone.

no one in this world is as innocent as seb wants for them. it hands everyone their fair share of death and loss, and he supposes this time, they were lucky.

"you're an idiot, by the way," he adds, though he can't help but smile a little when he says it. "i wasn't going to chew you out around the kids, but now that they're gone, i can tell you it's pretty much your own fault that you're in here." to some extent, anyway. "actually, it's probably my fault that you're in here and not dead, right?" he isn't angry; at least not anymore. anger doesn't linger long with him, even if it's deserved, and in the time spent waiting for the others to recover, all of it faded. now he's just relieved, and...tired. he only really realizes it now, sitting here with daesu, when he can let his usual guard down, even if only a little.

he wonders if it will ever stop; these visits to the med wing, tragedy after tragedy, ripping open old wounds and healing new ones. he hopes one day, it does, at least for the agents younger than him. now, though, with everything that happened...somehow he gets the feeling that it's only the beginning.

[miaxseb]

Twilight Stroll

mia-zer0​:

He really didn’t wanna go yet. Opening up like this was something he wasn’t good at, but it was just flowing out of him now and while he wasn’t sure why, he wanted to take advantage of it. Maybe the senior agent was just that good of a listener? Hell, was that even a kind of enhancement people could have? No–as much as Sero liked to think himself an emotionless titan, he knows he can be vulnerable. He’s allowed to be vulnerable–though the thought makes his chest clench. 

He’s dragged out of his head at the other agent’s suggestion, the idea of running laps actually really appealing but he doubts that was what the other was after. The roof, though…that was an interesting prospect. He wondered if he’d be allowed to smoke there. He’d been almost too scared to try the roof, just assuming there’d be lots of people up there for the fresh air. Maybe it was relatively quiet?

“Are you sure?” His question comes with a genuine curious expression. “It won’t be too crowded?” He grins, putting up his hands. “I just…it looks like the perfect spot for brooding, yeah? I can imagine there’s tons of people like me that would just flock up there.” He uncharacteristically giggles a little. “One big depressing brooding party. I got like 10 cigs left, do we need to bring the beer?” He’s completely un-serious and he hopes the other sees it that way.

"i doubt it," seb replies. "meia starts winding down this time of night. most of the insomniacs head to the training floor. there might be some people up there, but the roof is so huge, there's definitely room to have some time to yourself." truthfully, seb is sometimes among those brooding on meia's rooftop. he's also often among the training insomniacs; both are good places to linger when sleep won't come. training, if you want to wear yourself out; the roof if you want fresh air to clear your head.

"i doubt we have beer anymore, either. the seniors just drank it all the other day," he jokes back. truthfully, it's rare that any beer to share makes it through meia's doors unless specifically asked for. they have to get it all from taerry's, and carrying a large amount of alcohol back to the agency, losing access to one arm should demons attack, sets seb a little on edge. sometimes, though. seb doubts he would let zero drink anyway, given how new he is, his status as a baby agent, and his recent occupation of the medical ward. of course, he's probably fine, but seb would prefer he has more time to acclimate to the agency before he's under the influence of alcohol.

"i don't know about smoking on the roof, either. we have ducks up there and the smoke might not be healthy for them," and he laughs, because it probably sounds ridiculous to those that aren't familiar with meia. maybe zero would like to see them, though? they tend to have a calming effect on the young agents. "what do you say? or we can run laps." he's half joking once again.

[miaxseb]

regret.​

epsilonmia​:

cw: mentions of suicide attempt, depression, suicidal thoughts backdated roughly 1.5 years ago

« ▒░

footsteps in the medical wing aren’t uncommon; in his few short days in this hospital bed, seoyun’s learned to tell from the rhythm and the distance if someone is coming to his room or not. he said he didn’t want any visitors; he still doesn’t know if he can face anyone after what he knows he tried to do. but he hears someone coming. he thinks he hears sebastian’s voice and something cold settles in the pit of his stomach. he’s sorry. he’s sorry he attempted, sorry that he lived, sorry that sebastian now has to see him like this, lifeless like a puppet whose strings have been cut. he drops his eyes as the other enters the room, unable to look at him, unwilling to see the same disappointment and pity, or worse— hurt, on his friend’s face.

he wishes that he could simply fade away.

seb is glad seoyun survived.

he can't help but think that's selfish of him. his friend hated living enough to jump off of a roof, willing to shatter every bone in his body for the potential peace that they aren't even sure comes in death.

he hopes it does. god, he hopes so. even when seb feels like he should be angry, or resent seoyun for this pain that came with his choice, both for him and others, he still can't find it in himself to blame him. part of him understands, even if he wishes he didn't. it's the amount of people relying on him that keep seb here; he doesn't want to cause more mourning in this life than they all already face every day, but sometimes, he can't help but think of all the people waiting for him in death. sometimes he wants to see them again more than anything else.

almost more than anything else.

despite the weight of this world, they are both still alive, for better or worse.

seb wants to visit seoyun so he knows someone is glad he's still alive. maybe he already knows that; he's sure others have visited him, but knowing seoyun, he might think it's out of obligation. maybe he also wants to see seoyun for himself, too, to know that he's still alive, no matter how broken and bruised he is.

somehow, he thinks, losing seoyun this way might've been one of the most heartbreaking losses of all. he blames himself for more of the death in this world than any one person can carry, but seoyun dying this way would feel so preventable; so much like a failure as a friend, up there with the way he failed his sister and brother. even now, in all of his gratitude, he feels guilty he didn't see the signs earlier. why didn't he help him more? why didn't he make sure seoyun knew how much he mattered to him before all of this?

he tries to tell himself that it doesn't matter, and he can make up for it now. this cruel universe has given seb another chance.

seoyun looks even worse than he imagined when he steps into his room. he doesn't know why he didn't think it would be this bad, all things considered, but seeing it is different. seoyun, someone who trained alongside him for so many years, and became a senior agent at the same time as him as well, here in this state.

"looking so helpless doesn't suit you," he says soon enough, with a hint of a playful smile, as he takes a seat beside seoyun's hospital bed, indication that he doesn't intend to leave any time soon.

he's silent for a while then, leafing through more potential words to say, wishing he would've planned them before he came to visit. "maybe it's selfish of me," he begins, deciding it's best just to be honest. "but i'm glad you're still alive.

part of him wants to say why didn't you tell me? i could've helped you, but the last thing he wants is to sound confrontational and back seoyun into a corner. that's probably giving himself too much credit, anyway.

[miaxseb]

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– « snack gremlin

miajinseo​:

« ▒░

    “hi,” he says, reaching into one of the chip bags and he pops one of the chips into his mouth as he peers at the bag quietly. it’s interesting, and not quite what he was looking for but at the same time he’s not too mad about it. “where did you get these?” he asks, seemingly right at home and not feeling even the slightest amount of weirdness being this comfortable in seb’s apartment and he offers the other the chip bag, very curious.

    “i was hungry so …” he doesn’t give any other explanation about why he’s here or what he’s doing eating everything. “daesu didn’t have what i wanted so i came here.”

well, at least jinseo is comfortable. seb is, for the most part, a stubbornly optimistic person, eager to see the silver lining in everything. he thinks he needs to in a world like this. maybe he got it from his brother, who used to say there's always something to be happy about-- even if he ended up losing his brother to the darkness of his enhancement in the end.

this situation isn't so serious, but the potential mess and delay of his own sleep feels less disappointing when he looks at it that way. jinseo feels safe and comfortable enough here to visit his apartment even if he's on a different team now, and that, as usual, matters to seb more than his own convenience. most of the time, when other people are involved, that matters more to him than anything related to himself.

where did he get those? he's silent for a moment, thinking, brain moving a bit more slowly than usual thanks to fatigue. "i think i found them out on a mission, so they're probably expired by a couple hundred years. if you get a stomach ache you'll know why." he does think he found them out on a mission, but the rest of it, well-- he's sort of joking.

i was hungry, so. "i can see that," seb replies, and he can't help but chuckle. it is a funny scene, and ultimately a welcome one after the day he's had. he walks closer to the table so he can get a good look at everything jinseo sampled today, and to see if any sound appealing to him, but he decides he'll leave the night-time snacking to jinseo.

"it's good to see you," he says regardless, and he takes a seat close by. now that jinseo is here, he has no intention of sleeping just yet. he smiles softly. "what have you been up to lately? other than breaking into senior agents' apartments."