hello @midland - Tumblr Blog

what is with people wanting to call and say something? like.. text it. im not in the mood.

Maybe I'll delete this. Maybe I won't.

I realized before, when I was in my toxic-abusive relationship, I would write. I would write, and write, and write, and try to convince myself that the coldness I was given was love and all I had to do was be warm and push through the storm. It would change one day, right? He would love me the way he use to one day again, right?

That was wrong.

That wasn't love. It was a trauma bond.

I remember the day I decided to never look back. "You want to be done? So then we're done."

I just hung up the phone, blocked, and did my best to move on even with all that was going on an watching my loved ones fade away from age and illness.

I didn't expect to meet you - I barely knew you, yet somehow you remembered something about me that I never expected you to.

Then suddenly you were everywhere. And then suddenly I couldn't get you out of my head even though I tried to not fall and tried to be alone for some time.

I just cried on the bed realizing I was falling again and I was scared again.

Trauma has a way of turning something so beautiful into something you think you should be scared of.

It took years for me to unlearn everything I thought I knew.

One thing changed me. One fight changed me: "We're partners. It's not me vs you, it's us vs the problem and we can only move forward if you communicate and we work through it together."

I was a partner. He became my partner.

Yesterday he randomly, with fake anger in his voice, he told me to get up. I was lazy, bed rotting, and refused. He dragged me off the bed, pulled me up, and his fake scowl turned into a that smile I fell in love with as he twirled me around and danced with me, no music in the background, just randomness.

He then decided it would be a perfect time to suplex me onto the bed, but in the softest way I never thought would be possible. All we did was laugh and laugh.

It's been six years of this.

I wish I could redo a lot of things in my life, but in this life and the next, I hope to always find him and fall in love with him again.