there’s this girl that means a lot to me in my life right now. her name is j. or at least, that’s what i’ve been calling her for the past 6 years that i’ve known her. she and i never thought we’d be this close. we started off being asked by our english partners to switch seats with us so they could sit next to each other. i, not really minding at all because i knew no one anyway, sat down beside j and continued to stare at my notebook in front of me out of shyness for the rest of the term. we eventually became friends after she remarked on one of my class time sketches. lesson no. 1#: compliments are always nice.
who knew that we would be here, that we would spend multiple nights of the first two weeks of her getting her license, driving around the city, to nearly closing cafes in the late hours of the night. who knew that i would call her one of my dearest, best friends.
see, the other night- my darling daughter-, i had the worst feeling in my body. j and i had planned and started sorting out our 4 month global volunteering trip to europe together. we had started planning since around april. we were both so...so fucking excited. but, you see, your grandparents; they have always been against taking a gap year, doing anything outside of what our other family members have always done. go to school, graduate with a high scoring diploma, go to a good uni, get a degree, work. so, like the organised person you know i am, i started piping up this idea about a volunteering gap semester to your grandparents for a couple of months, to get them gradually into the idea. we had finally gotten to the stage of semi-understanding each other a couple of weeks ago.
but two nights ago, your grandparents, after months of multiple discussions and angry storming outs and crying and so so so much negativity, your grandparents told me that i could and would definitely not embark on the journey j and i had cultivated. your grandmother was crying while your grandfather stumbled out words so affectionate, so unknown to my ears. “Lisa, you can hate me now, but...but you’re my only daughter...”, “I haven’t been able to sleep for these past weeks, I have nightmares of what could happen to you..”, “What if you are hurting? How can we get to you when you need us? ...” I looked at them. Neither were looking at me, both had their faces to the ground. They were broken. And so I broke with them.
I cried for the rest of that night.
The next day, for the first time in 2 years, I took a day off school because I didn’t feel like it.
I spent the entire day reflecting. I walked with Yumi around the entire lake. 6.6 kilometres of music, fresh winter air and observing what people actually did during the time I’d be stuck in class all day. It was faint hearted, but it was what i needed. I had to tell j about it. about my removal from the program, about how sorry and sorry and sorry and sorry i was. I felt so sick.
J came around the house at about 8:30pm. your grandparents went upstairs so we could have privacy for when i told her. We didn’t end up setting foot in my house. I just got into her car, and we sat in my driveway for half an hour. I told her. I cried. She held my forearm. We sat in silence for what seemed like those lost four months. I cried. I didn’t know humans could cry that much in such a short period of time. How the fuck do our tear ducts handle that?
after i had said everything i needed to say, and everything i needed to do, i asked her, “Do you know where the closest mountain is?”
We drove to Black Mountain, where Telstra Tower is. we got out of the car, I walked around for a bit, before screaming “FUCKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!” to the expanse of city lights filled with people and people and more people, living their lives, feeling their emotions, feeding their kids, working, gyming, watching a film as a family together. They were all just specks though. They were all just lights.
It was sudden, it was exhilarating, it was what i needed. it was also so fucking cold up there, j and i huddled together, looking over the mountain at the city skyline.
we heard other people screaming.
there was multiple people, maybe 3 or 4 of them, all screaming at different tones, different octaves. J and i smiled at each other. We had the same idea in mind. We started screaming louder.
J suddenly started making wolf noises....and they replied. “AAAAAOOOOOOOOOHH!!!!” I joined in. Our wolf pack of miscellaneous and unknown members cried so loudly that night. It was one of the most memorable things I’ve ever experienced, surely something i hope i will never forget.
All i could think of was what /they/ were screaming about. And i’m kinda glad i don’t know, and will never know who they are. I could walk past them in the street, and never even know it. they could serve me at an italian restaurant on a rainy night, and I would never know it was them. but on that night, we were all feeling pain. we were all frustrated, angry, emotional. and we let the world know.
we let the world know that it’s okay to be anything. to experience and not experience anything. to feel anything.
and i think on that night, on that mountain, that moment after we howled our last painful sorrows, J and I smiled at each other. The type of shit-eating grins that took up half of our faces. We were there.
I love you J, with all my 17 year old platonic heart. Thank you for being my family.
i wonder if I had ever told you stories about j and our adventures before you read this, future daughter. tell me, when we are there, on some mountain together in the middle of the night, with a tainted view of the city skyline. I’ll tell you everything.
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