13/11/2021
it’s been a while..need to clear out my thoughts
is it normal to not feel secure in this relationship? I just feel like one day he’ll break up with me. he expresses that he wants to be single but when he sees me, he doesn't want to. I get it, in every relationship, sometimes you'll have those moments..but I just feel like now, its like he’s so secure that I gave him a feeling of that security that I won't leave that he does not even try to make things work, or even consider how I feel. sometimes I can't keep this facade that everything’s okay anymore, that its actually hurting me, and then he uses that as an excuse to break it off. if he think I'm too good for him, shouldn't he make himself better to what I deserve? I'm not saying he’s not good for me, he is enough, but for him to say that he doesn't deserve me and I deserve better and yet he doesn't do anything about it, what am I suppose to feel? am I just not good enough? not pretty? not sexy? not deserving of love? not giving him what he wants? or does he just not want to put effort? is he just waiting for the day I give up on him? its like, every time there will be a celebration, I get so excited and want to take him, but then I get scared because in the back of my mind, he doesn't want to even come, or celebrate. like for instance, Christmas is coming up, and I’m so excited to spoil him, and my family is doing a secret Santa, so I gave him the paper of who he got for it. I was so excited but then he brings me back down, cause on his face you can tell how not excited he is, and already thinking of ways to avoid it.
