words that are supposed to be on that damn bird app but i have issues
but tbh, maybe i wouldn't really refuse to the fact that i do have to settle down and build a family in the future... maybe this is just me trying to break away from my mother's and society's expectation. maybe it's just the ever pure hearted me who doesn't want anyone to suffer.
it will definitely depend on who i'm going down with and if i'm finally stable tho...
but i'm such a prickly bitch who hates men. i wouldn't even want to marry me either. say, who would even want to marry a woman too ambitious, too faithful to her views and morals? yes, i'm a people pleaser. i always try to not be a bother. i'm a pushover. but i always hold my beliefs above everything else. it's always easy for me to cut ties if you step on my morals. say again, how many men are out there that could stomach me? that would accept me?
growing up, i have always been envious of my friends having lots of suitors while i only have close to none who takes me seriously. i'm always the intimidating one. unapproachable. the high standards. mean. too smart. too serious. i'm always too much to handle. sometimes i just concluded that maybe i'm unappealing and ugly. too plain. boring. straight-laced. but everyone says i'm pretty, just scary.
that should make me feel special and superior but as i type this and think along those years, i really can't help but feel sad and lonely.
i'm a human. i yearn connection too. deep, real, and tangible one. i yearn to be touched. to be caressed. to be kissed. to be fucked. to be loved. to be understood even i couldn't even understand myself.
and i can't do that alone. i'm so so lonely.
and it doesn't help with the fact that i am only willing to change my rules to one person. one person i lay myself bare. someone i do really trust the most. the one i could absolutely wait because i have already spent ⅓ of my life waiting so what's more years?
and it's so stupid. so stupid that if he asks me to marry, i would abandon everything i said here and say yes. it's so stupid that my friends are already tired of the same drunk crying of why oh why he doesn't like me and why oh why i'm such a stupid coward who's right there where you left me.
because let's be honest, i'm still in julie's buying bread even though in reality, the bakeshop isn't there anymore. i'm still at shake shop near the playground every afternoon even though they already relocated. i'm still seeing you in the blue backpacks. still looking for you in the middle of the crowd. in the high schoolers across the street. in the same haircut of every men i met. trying to catch a glimpse of you in every jeep that heads to your town. in every ship that docks. i'm actually still in front of palawan express. in the stairs where our eyes will try everything to not meet. at my seat near the window and it's already 8AM when you arrived. and i'm back again in my grade 7 classroom and it's early in the morning and i have no idea NO FUCKING IDEA that you would leave me haunted like this.
this is basically a confession and you're probably dumb if you cannot string who's who. and i kinda wish that you would read this. i hope that you won't and it'll be whole lot easier for me to just leave this in the drafts or never compose at all but i'm already tired.
and let me ask this again just like what i did the first time: is it killing you like it's killing me?
