Chivalry Isn't Dead @mikeholdher - Tumblr Blog

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I still read our chats when I miss you

Life's been good

About yesterday.

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alenagerashchenko

TOKYO, JAPAN

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Holidays are always hard. For the last decade I've spent them alone. Partly because being around other people reminded me of how lonely I am. That and practically everyone being in a relationship... Christmas is no different. Another year of disappointing dating. I'm more convinced now than ever that I'm incapable of being loved. Destined to spend the rest of my days alone...

Ever since I had that fallout with Jules if you can even call it that I completely shut out the rest of the world. Something about that mentally broke me to where I don't wanna open up to anyone else again. Not even like I have options to do so. I hadn't felt a connection like that in years... And then it was gone. I still don't know why nor do I ever think I'll find out but I've resigned myself just to avoid interacting with people or getting too close. I'm tired of the disappointment. Mainly cause I know I would never do the things people do to me. And so I closed myself off. That was the last straw in a long line of hurt. I stopped being jaded and trying so desperately to find the good in people. Which is hard to do because my whole life I've approached people giving them the benefit of the doubt and never judging them. I wasn't perfect and neither were they. So what gave me the right to tell someone they had to earn my trust instead of me just giving it freely.

And here I am stuck knowing I deserve better but those better days aren't going to come. I won't give someone that opportunity again. Not now. Not anymore. So because I know old habits die hard I'd rather just 86 any potential to hurt myself again.

mv11

The days are tough when the loneliness sets in...

None of them mine by the way. 😭😭😭

#cars #superior autohaus #Porsche #BMW #Fiat

"we ain't trying to turn up tonight."

beeewhyceee

Dry replies

mikeholdher

Yea not only a conversation killer but a turn off. It’s like wtf why do I always have to carry the conversation. Even with people who are interested in you but dont know how to hold a convo. Can’t win for trying lol.

beewhycee:

I hate them. Idk it gets depressing sometimes cuz when you want to talk to the person that you want, they give you one word replies or something you cant even reply too. Like when you say whats up and they say nothing much you? thats a straight up conversation killer. It’s really weird but for a fact its true lol …

I always gotta be real with myself here. My heart is kind of heavy now cause I miss her. And I can't even lie to myself.

Get it off my chest time...

I've moved on now and we were never dating but something I will never get over is that we vibed together so well. She would call me every day after work and I genuinely loved hearing about her bad days or good days as she drove home. And she genuinely checked on me and asked me how my day went. Actually listened to what I would say.

It was good to be cared about.

And then she is just gone... I don't think I'll ever learn why she went MIA and blocked me. But for those 2 years everything was amazing.

We were there for one another when we struggled and I honestly wished it would have became something more. It's been along time since I've felt that way about someone. And rather than sulk or harp on it I just hope that she is somewhere becoming successful like I always knew she would.

J I still love you and thank you for being there and making the days easier to deal with. Don't forget how far you've come and keep pressing forward. You saved me from myself. I'll always be grateful for that 🤍

#me #personal