milekat @milekat - Tumblr Blog

i wish people could see all you did from my side.

how they would see you in a different light.

i hope you heal for other peoples sake.

i pray you don’t hurt someone like you did me.

I’m fucking over it.

i’m fucked sometimes I just want to feel pain. purposely looking at old memories to make it hurt. i miss the adrenaline. i miss the desperation of wanting to get shit faced. i miss being manic. i want to run away and ruin my life. i want fights. i want hitting. i want to punch the wall till it’s completely down or I’ve broken both hands and physically can’t anymore. i miss the misery.

i miss being not tired all day from all my medicine. i miss being healthy and not having health issue after issue. more medicine and more doctors.

i miss being happy and care free. i miss it not having to be medically induced. i miss my brain.

i miss wanting to die so much it’s just out of reach.

drown me in the water, drown me in the sea, let your water wash over me.

im done. i can't handle my brai anymore. the constant ups and downs. the sudden burst of energy one moment then exhausted the next. not being able to sit still. not being able to get up. my head is constantly screaming shit. fucking bullshit. i want to be better but i also want to be worse. i want to fucking drink. i want to drink. i want a god damn fucking bottle of whiskey. i want to drink it all then blow my brains out. i want to drink it all and puke all over and leave it there to smell. then. then i want to do it all fucking over again till i die of alcohol posing or dehydration. i want to drink it all and choke on my own vomit. i want to drink it all and not fucking wake up. i want to drink it all and take shower and drown. i want to drink it all and trip and crack my skull open. break my spine. i. want. death. i want death more than a god damn drink. maybe its time to stay sober. maybe its time to go to aa. maybe. maybe its time to drink. maybe its time to die.

i want to stop my medecine. i want to go manic. i already feel like it, might as well go all out, right? i want to get beyond fucking wasted. beyond wasted. i want to not fucking wake up. i want to black out. i want to ruin my relationship. i want to shave off my hair. i want to crash my car. i want to die.

ich spreche nicht oft über meiner mütter weil ich so vieles vergessen habe. ich erinne mich ihr nicht, auch ihre geschicht. ich würde so vieles sagen. ich kann nicht über meinem freund von mir sprechen.....ich würde so vieles sagen.

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