kid A. @milkandwhiskers - Tumblr Blog

what can i do with my happiness? how can i keep it, conceal it, bury it where i may never lose it? i want to kneel as it falls over me like rain, gather it up with lace and silk, and press it over myself again.

anaïs nin. (via suzywire)

kruled

i haven’t written anything on here in over three years, and tonight in the swelling melancholia that has consumed me entirely over that time, i stumbled back here; and it is strange to see the blossoming of your own madness, strange to see your own little heart poured out onto a screen as if it was the easiest thing in the world, when these days you struggle to even put into words to yourself what it is that’s happening inside of you. i suppose if we were to put it into layman’s terms, the girl i left here three years ago was skimming the surface of her own madness, dipping in now and again but always emerging unscathed, then somewhere along the line she slipped in a bit too far and now spends all of her days in a perpetual murky pond, swimming around with the amphibian insanity that her brain has borne to her. if i could put those three years into three words i don’t know where i’d begin to find them, it wouldn’t matter to you or me how amazing, exciting, heartbreaking, unsettling, enthralling, brand new, beautiful, breathtaking, break your fist on a wall etc etc etc any of it was, because right now tonight i am below surface, a shivering girl clutching on to newts to take her to the top but they all dissolve into the dust of a sad mind.

so i suppose it’s welcome back to me, if anyone even still exists here with me?

brocklefferts

Sky high.

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brocklefferts

Low dive.

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so is this how we're going to continue from here? vaguely talking about it in short sentences, me being the wimp i am and physically being incapable of expressing everything i feel about you and then you can cuddle me and i'll fall asleep on your chest and wake up to you rubbing my back and drawing circles on my hips until you leave for work and i have to again wait for another opportunity where maybe i can overcome all my fears and just speak about this properly. and i shouldn't have to try and make you love me, and i should realise that this is pointless and fleeting and you don't deserve me or the love that i can give you but although i know all of these things i just can't stop.

the only thing that makes me feel okay currently is you, last night was the first night in days i've been able to get to sleep and it's because you were here and how have i made myself so dependant on one person?!