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@milkywayborn
He’s the cool guy isn’t he.png
it would be an honor for me if she kicked my ass
I have almost zero idea who they are and what they are doing but my friend REALLY loves them so I drew this as a (kinda??) gift art for her.
It’ me! thank you my friend. I REALLY love this gift. ♡
mmm~
i was waiting on the pizza delivery guy to call me to say my pizza is here and when my phone rang i accidentally answered with “Pizza?” instead of hello and he replied “yes this is pizza”
MASS EFFECT ANDROMEDA + s p a c e shots
FATHER OF A SLIPPER
hey guess what everyone, it’s time for a new installment of Weird Biology! yaaay! (CLAP NOW.)
this week’s animal might look like a children’s edutainment mascot, but it’s an avian death machine with built-in machine-gun sound effects. really.
so hold onto your butts folks, because it’s time to meet-
gesundheit! haha! please do not bite me!
the Shoebill is a stupidly huge modern dinosaur with a ginormous beak, which kind of looks like… uh, a shoe. (BLESS YOU)
the Shoebill (BLESS… fine, fine I’ll stop) has several different names in other languages. the best one by far the Arabic Abu Markub, which can be translated as “Father of a Slipper”.
obviously this name is way, way better than anything I could ever come up with in a million years, and I should just quit my job and stop the article right here.
I won’t, though. you still have to read like another six paragraphs of this. suffer.
the Shoebill is a gigantic bastard of a bird, reaching up to five feet tall and fifteen pounds heavy. they’re simply too much bird to handle, especially when you consider that enormous clog of a beak. that odd bill may look like a cute dutch shoe, but the edges are razor-sharp and built to decapitate prey with a single heavy blow.
the Shoebill is what you would get if you were to take a Velociraptor and tape a fucking axe to its face, which kind of ruins the friendly muppet look they’ve got going on.
(that and the death glare.)
HEY KIDS! let’s have a staring contest! Timmy why are you crying
the Shoebill is found in tropical East African swamps and wetlands. they stalk around in the reeds and generally skulk around like most cranes and herons do, but with a couple of important differences. (yes, those differences are all scary. hang on.)
first, Shoebills are hunting for larger prey than your typical heron or crane. and while they do usually go after fish and eels up to 3 feet long (!!!), the Shoebill is a criminal of opportunity. they will eat anything, from baby crocodiles to smaller waterfowl to baby antelopes. BABY. FUCKING. ANTELOPES.
so maybe don’t trust them around your children, is what I’m getting at here.
HEY KIDS! who wants to see if I can fit this ENTIRE DUCK in my mouth? TIMMY, YOU’RE NEXT.
second, Shoebills are very, very, veryveryvery patient. they stand next to the water and just. don’t. move. you’d think the Shoebill was trying to win a staring contest with the river, but I can assure you that it’s nothing that innocent. the Shoebill is waiting.
once an edible-looking fish/eel/nile monitor/baby antelope swims by, the Shoebill strikes. five feet of hungry bird slams beak-first into its potential meal, swinging it around a few times like a Jurassic Park Velociraptor (to get the mud off. mud is gross even to Shoebills), and snipping the head clean off with that terrible beak. oh, and then the Shoebill swallows it whole. headfirst. (it would be if the prey still had a head attached, anyway.)
AAAAAAAAAA. AAAAAAAAA!
awful table manners aside, Shoebills actually do manage to scrounge up some compassion in their black black hearts when it comes to their children.
*paper rustles* wait. hang on, I read that wrong. ahaha, whoops! they don’t, actually.
at the end of the rainy season, two Shoebills will court by making machine-gun sound effects with their beaks at each other. (really) once they have decided they can stand each other long enough to make some beautiful babies together (Shoebills are notoriously antisocial), the pair wander off to a distant corner of the swamp, where they will build a fuckoff huge nest and lay up to three eggs. awww!
however, only one of those eggs is going to make it to adulthood.
take a quick break to stare at something adorable.
this is by design. the strongest chick will become a strong adult. “wait… how do they know who’s the strongest?” you ask tremulously, an unnamable fear in your eyes. you are correct to be wary! the answer is siblicide.
that’s right, the strongest chick will straight-up murder its weaker siblings by shoving them out of the nest to drown/be eaten by crocodiles. and the parents just kind of watch. jesus.
I mean, I GUESS that’s as good a way as any to make sure at least one chick is strong enough to make it, but man.
don’t trust these guys around your children, that’s all I’m saying.
HEY KIDS, it’s time for TODDLER DEATHMATCH! may the strongest offspring prevail!
despite their many nightmarish qualities, Shoebills remain an iconic bird and a valuable part of the ecosystem (why, without them we’d be knee deep in baby antelopes). they have appeared in human art and culture from the Ancient Egyptians to The Audobon Society.
they’re pretty neat.
Shoebills are also currently considered Vulnerable, with their habitat under threat from human encroachment. we really, really, really hope that this giant murderbird continues to thrive in the future, mostly so that if the day ever comes when someone points up into the air and cries “Look! A Shoebill!” we can all turn around in unison and scream,
“GESUNDHEIT!”
–
thanks for reading! you can find the rest of the Weird Biology series here.
if you enjoy my work, maybe buy me a coffee to support Weird Biology.
–
IMAGE SOURCES
1-Birder’s Blog 2-Zambia Tourism 3-Reddit 4-The Telegraph 5-Africa Geographic 6-Zooborns 7-Ranger Diaries 8-Know Your Meme
I’m still laughing.
you ever have 8,045 bad mental health days in a row
you ever have 8,046 bad mental health days in a row
thats 22 years of bad mental health are you okay
you ever have 8,050 bad mental health days in a row
They’re deactivated now and I really hope they are okay, but my nihilism is telling me something else. :(
nah i just changed urls a few times. i came out and transitioned, graduated college, and got an amazing girlfriend who lights up my life. i had to delete the queued update to this post that said 8400 days for my 23rd birthday because i’m in a really good place right now.
to everyone struggling: it really does get better.
Jack and Owen: no fear
Ianto: decaf for a month
Jack and Owen: one fear
replayed the mass effect trilogy recently \o/
hey does anybody want to see my collection of slightly distorted pictures of cats as viewed through glasses
too late i’ve decided for you that you do
here they are
Sunday, May 27 will mark one year since the passing of Gregg Allman. I share some of my musing…
There is a Darkness Without You ~Bree Donovan There is a darkness in the world without you It settles around me despite the May light The stars are a little duller My clock a bit slower As day seamlessly bleeds into night. There is a darkness in the world without you A burning behind my eyes That sting with tears A constant ache in my heart Giving everything a shadow of blue. I live to share your light I think you’d tell us to walk ahead And about the road going on forever I fasten my courage a little tighter Around me, Around you I fight the darkness For me, for you And hope I get it right.
Gregory LeNoir Allman December 8, 1947-May 27, 2017 Photo: Lisa Solomon Keel Chastain Amphitheatre, Atlanta, (2012)
Shipping Headcanons! Send Numbers & Ships!
SFW
Who cooks?
Who’s the messiest? The cleanest?
Who fixes the vehicle after a breakdown?
Living space has a leak! Who fixes it?
Who buys the groceries?
Going out to eat: Who pays? Who orders the most food? And who has dessert?
Would they go to the beach?
Who knows how to swim? Who doesn’t?
Is someone multilingual? Do they try to teach another language to the other? How does it go?
Any pets? Or plants?
Baths or showers? Together or separate? Any bubbles or bubble fights?
Can they stand silence? Who talks the most? Who talks the least?
Who stays up late? Who sleeps the most? Does the other have to force them to sleep/wake up?
Who is the highest maintenance? Does the other mind?
Vacation ideas: who decides them? Where would they go, if anywhere?
NSFW
How often do they have sex, if at all?
Who brings ideas? Who initiates?
Any kinks they clash on?
Oddest place they’d have sex?
Favourite positions?
Dom/top? Sub/bottom? Any switches?
Genital headcanons?
Favourite erogenous zones?
Quickest turn ons? Immediate turn offs?
First to orgasm? Last to orgasm? Who comes the most? Does someone ever end up unfinished?
Favourite romantic gestures during sex/orgasm?
How are their afterglows?
Who’s loud? Who’s quiet? Does one try to make the other louder/quieter? How?
Lights on or off? Do they look at each other? Or is someone embarrassed?
Open or closed relationship? Do they sometimes share?