My (now) open journey through the darkness...
“that moment when you burst into tears in your room and you realize that no one knows how unhappy you are”
As I was trying to look for an image for this post, every single one spoke to me, so I made a compilement of them. Quick things to know about me: I struggle with general anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and depression. And yes, I have been medically diagnosed.
The past few months have been so incredibly difficult. I have gone through emergency surgery, dislocated my knee not allowing me to walk for a while, went to the ER because of a severe anxiety attack... I could list so much more. Little did I know at some point in my life I will be on so many types of medications I can no longer keep count. My cabinet feels like a pharmacy. I would have daily panic attacks or breakdowns. I lost a best friend in the process of everything that is going on. I haven't been able to have a satisfying sleep at all in the past 2 months.
With my recent injury, I had to withdraw from classes which I will need to retake and work with many campus offices for disability accommodations. It’s already been a month and a half and I am still depending on crutches and a wheelchair to get me around. There has been so many life adjustments in the past few weeks. There is still a chance I need to withdraw my only opportunity to study abroad because of the injury. This has created additional stress that which has been so sickening to my body. I had such a severe anxiety attack that led me to the ER. My blood circulation became so bad, I was hyperventilating because I couldn't breathe, I was laying on the floor because my body was not functioning properly, I became so cold that not even 10 blankets in 80 degree weather would warm me up, my fingers and toes started to feel so heavy it took so much energy just to try to wiggle them. I was almost put on hold for 3 days because I was too mentally unstable to be discharged.
Recently I found out about the history of my parents’ relationship. So many times my dad tried to leave the family because he had enough of it. My mom was physically and verbally abusive to him. A few times he thought about putting my mom in jail for being too abusive. My brother was almost kicked out of the house in the past for being insensitive to my mother’s house rules. I almost lost my family so many times. Just the thought of it is still so shocking to me. I still don't know what to do with all of this information. Granted I do not know my mom’s side of the story. In the midst of all the darkness and war with myself, I almost lost my family. Granted my family is no where perfect or average. There is many cultural differences between me and my parents since I am first generation american. But they are the only family I have and I almost lost them.
Still to this day I worry about having another anxiety attack that will send me back to the ER. I am not very supported by my peers because we are all full time college students, which I understand. But it has become so difficult for me to bare all of this alone. Every day I have more weight I need to carry. Finals week and music hell week is right around the corner and I have no idea how I can manage studying or memorizing music when I already struggle taking care of my health.
It has become so much harder to get through each day. Everything has become much more difficult to do, even the most simplest tasks. Feeling like I need to go through it alone makes it that much harder. Not many people know how to handle this type of situation or how to handle someone going through a severe anxiety attack. I have endured so much pain, yet it has not stopped. I have been in constant war with my mind and myself everyday. As okay as I may seem, I am not okay. Everyday it gets harder to fake joy and put a smile on my face to hopefully help enlighten others that are going through hard times.
I am hopeful the storm will end with the grace of God. The question in my mind right now is:
when will it ?
