I think I've never seen it all before. But then I guess this much concession has to be given to a relation to close to you. the blindness is almost forgivable.
But now that i see all the patterns and mannerisms, It's like someone is tightening their fingers around my throat and screaming " you fool! You blind fool!".
I think its right to establish that not everything is this traumatic, I do love you, and adore you. And understand why things got this way . and that we've had innumerable happy moments. And such sad ones are only necessary.
But The power of destruction and the remnants of the changes you've been leaving all this while are suddenly so evident to me.
And honestly, the sheer power of making my sister and I into these grey humans is simply astonishing me.
And makes me more kind to her which i used to struggle with earlier.
Again, it is astonishing to me how your unfortunate flaws have made her and i into this turtles fending ourselves in our shells and so afraid to love openly and fearlessly.
And then i trace how her denial of my sadness and constant reminder to cry less and call out my expression through tears to be unnecessary and to be avoided,
as a basis of me being an avoidant partner.
It took me a long time to learn that crying doesn't mean weakness, neither does absence of it, signify strength.
I wish i could tell my sister this, and urge her to pass through all the boundaries our mother put in us, and let go of all the fears she instilled.
She is flawed, but so are we. We are unkind at times and stubborn. We need just as much forgiveness as you, if not more.
I have nothing but love and sympathy for you in my heart.
I remember so many times i have opened up to you so candidly, like i don't usually and how you have reminded me time and again how it was a mistake. How you dissect my emotions into something shallow and futile and shame me in front of strangers who have had no right to know my honest confessions made to you in confidence.
How naked, ashamed and robbed of my safety blanket you've made me feel at those moments.
Like you used my deepest darkest secret against me. Made fun of it with strangers and spit me out as another insignificant thought.
You closed another door every-time you did that.
Now I am a person full of closed doors, bolted from inside and I see strangers knocking, but never let in.
Shame is, even after that I have tried to understand your side, to retrospect if i interpreted something wrong. And tried to justify your side.
I guess if i begin to understand your side .. maybe I'm incapable of it right now.
Why do you toss me aside like that?
At times i see streaks of you in her, the same way i go mouthful of emotions to her, asking, demanding more from her too. but then i feel her hands shutting my mouth and telling me to swallow it. Keep it inside.
If she could see me, she would see my eyes brimming with tears of betrayal and pushing it down just like years ago i did for you. At such times, I'm glad of the miles between us.
I guess my emotions became inconvenient to both of you along the way.
izzy806
romaincrisis
pixelskylines
janainaart
