Notebooks found after flood 12/27/22
See how easily your mind can shift
Going from negative and questioning
To authentic sturdy positivity
It seems trivial at times, when really its just a misconception of the value in being/keeping simplicity
A bit past three and there is nobody around. A little fucked up, here silence is the loudest sound. Becoming better and making changes. A bit distraught I am just filling up these lines on these pages. Repeating how im not good enough for him. A sea of thoughts that I am drowingng in. If I told you that things get better then Id be lying. Dont know how to make this all right again, but im trying. When the breeze picks up, I hope to drift away. And when the pain sets in, I hope you choose to stay
Tonight I wont sleep. Keep me awake in your dreams. Tomorrow might give reason as to what this all means. For now, this porch is a santuary. And one more sleepless night reinstills my obscure sanity
Here I stand, commencing a peaceful celebration at the edge of this continent. It happens every single morning and night.
Mother Nature provides us with moments to remain in
Filled with music, lights, and entertain ment
All we have to do is be present
Give back to her the gift of whole hearted embracement
See the natural beauty of all of earths creations
Youre one of them as well
We stood at the edge of what we had imagined forever might feel like
We found shelther in a cave where darkness and the cold became our home. We came to love it and came to know what the other on of us was
I couldnt hold these words for you any longer
They all held remnants of so many honeysuckle sunsets
That led to nights of staying up far too late
I thought you werent meant to say things like “sleep well babe” to people that didnt matter
And now all thats left are all of these heavy baskets I was forced to bring in off from the front porch
Sheilding them from getting wet and potentially smearing
In case you might need something from them again
But I need to give them back today
Got to let them go and weave a new basket
All these baskets that are filled with left over remnants of honeysuckle sunsets and pine needle nights
On a foggy beach, misty afternoon. The empty shore goes further than my eyes can see. Footprints from the early risers on their morning beach-jogs. Riddled with craters from heavy raindrops hitting. The ocean is a deeper navy than im used to seeing and its extra foamy. As it washes up it leaves little trinkets along the coast for beach goers to collect and give to loved ones. I come across a shell thats perfectly unweathered. I hold it in my palm for a minute and admire its natural beauty then I toss it back into the ocean and I make a wish
Barefooted where the water washes up and over my unpainted toenails of my tatted foot. Its picturesque the way that I sink in deeper with each rise and drift of the tide. For such a chillu early spring day the water is warm. On the horizon cargo ships move along. I always wonder what they are carrying and where its going to. I wonder if people think the same things as I do. A few people pass by, they simple and I smile too.
I move a little ways from the water and up onto a lifeguard tower. From here I can see the city through the fog. I stay here for a while until I remember my peace. Long enough for the mist to go away and for teh gaurds to tell me Ive got to go. I breathe in the salty air. And draw a picture in the sand. Wash mu feet before I get to the parking lot, and into my car. A quiet drive back to shleter and my bed. Tonight I will rest easy. Thanks to the ocean once again
Greedy eyes better look away. See how they long to step inside my mind without an invitation and I cant break from the state of flux im in where I am drowning out all distractions and building up this creative vision
Grateful just to be livin unlimited and elevated. Forming word clusters resonating with my soul of an indigo hue vibrating higher feel what I can do
Laying it down. Countless times. Consider this a refresher
Let the beauty come pouring out. Long enough it has been running through my veins. Undneath all this pain a sparkle remained in both of my eyes on the most unexpected of days, it became known again. It was that little bit of magic that kept me and still keeps me going.
To know that in the midst of everything, magic can happen, wounds heal, grace saves, and it is possible for something liek you to search so deep within yourself- not to find any sort of answer but to discover further and more in depth who you are and what you are here to bring to the world. So that in everything you do it is eveyrhitng you are. And you do it so humbly even angels admire it. You are waking up into something more
Connected surpassing all the times I felt neglected
Say you rage so hard, right?
Time to put that mentality to the test
Im the neutral party here
Youre the one who’s working the show
Trying to just shove it all on me? Cut that shit now
But dont question even once
Actually really living without regrets
Giving zero fucks, actually
Few are capable of handling me
My ppl know when to leave it alone
And I give it back ten fold their direction
Not only for you regularly
How could I do it any other way
Theyll turn to view the artist
Find goodness and beauty along the way
In a gloomy distraught place
New creators will find their voices
Visionaries will be forced to adjust in the shift
Into alignment with natures message
Theyll be the ones who interpret it
To feel lonely, overwhelmed
Totally clueless about what will happen
For somewhere in that. Fear and desparation
We are bound to discover a newfound hope
So feel what youre feeling
Take breaks and remember to
I know we will get to a better tomorrow eventually
Take it one day at a time
But are you going to look outside of yourself or go and lock the front door
Look out your window and feel lucky enough to have shelter?
Will it all go back to normal like ti was or is this our chance to redefine normal”? Will you let the anxieties of being completely not in control define and dictace your days or can you pause to know every person is feeling thatanxiety to varying degrees? Wake up to the goodness buried in there
Sit down take a secodn feel the ground take a breath in and hold it still 1 2 3 4 now let it out
Its a mystery whats left to come thats why I love it
I let myself fall deeply into some of the most unassuming moments
Wouldnt call it something beautiful but theres something great about it
It doesnt happen on purpose
Its only real to me when it unintentionally happens
This is the push of the universe. Im reciebing gifts I dont deserve
Writing about what im feeling is probably good
Putting it into words- I tend to jump and overanalyze/. Theres a pandemic happening and somehow I dont feel all that panicked- its odd but this isnt about me
Speak only when its time to say checkmate
Total lack of linear structure
Whats incomprehendable to a simple mind
All I know is that this one thing right here
She does the work and does whats right. Reads up on Jesus to celebrate easter with her family respectfully though to the norm (nam?) she respectfully declines. heartwarmth she is the buddha in the studio.
Run it. Make me ratchet. Make it crave it till I ask please can I have it
He settles for what he can take
Hes always running towards heartbreak
She wants so badly to let him in
When its broken down be motivated by the sounds - like how when it stops in the surroundings- still we create- loud
Containment makes it worse
Meanwhile im trying to explain how hard it is to write relevantly but how easy it is to write about a bathroom door
Now that Ive found him there is no sense In making myself be grounded
Know that when its forever
It just keeps getting better
I tried to wrap my head around coincidenece
The calm of letting things go
Breathing, feeling, living and feeling whole on my own
Its all because he found me
So many weights disappeared and were lifted
I sort of always knew that Im gifted
Searching for that gifts purpose
Give it back to the betterment of whatever is left thats still good?
This is only jsut the start
Quite literally play my part
Selfish as it seems from your perspective
Well im craving an uproar
Pray that we lose all sense of normal
To be forced into a new right side up
Weve still got a fighting chance
To make this a better place
When its my turn to speak
Listen from a “all the past is erased” point of view
Youve got to be with me the whole way
Is the ceiling caving in or is it exploding?
Feeling weightless yet grounded in the moment
I lost track of all the days last week
That Ive got no clue what im even really thinking
But when im just feeling like this
It feels so right to just go with it
Pray you dont ever forget
The waves youve been riding
Surrounded by a bunch of tall grass
The light is shining down, you can see it really clearly
The river thats ahead is canopied by trees and the birds on all the wispy branches are out there singing the songs that they sing
I am intricately interwoven
Into this tapestry of life
Some days I know exactly what I am doing and where I am going
Other days I have absolutely no ideas
This does not slow me down becasue I trust the process of it all
I carry a sack full of goals and ambitions with me. I dream alot. Visions are what I feel I can hold onto. They get clearer the more time I devote to developing them. The more I alloow myself to jsut be, the more abundant they/it becomes. The more that I surrender to the wild excitement that comes along with living, the happier and calmer I become. I am opening myself up to more movement with no real expectation fo what that might lead me to. I am worthy of this journey. I am here
And I am always ready to take on whatever life hands me
The smell of the river mixed with bug spray
The red cardinal waiting for me patiently at the front door
Still it sort of seems the same
Im learning the value in that
Reverberate within the atmosphere
My god its been a while since Ive been able to just sit back and relax
Like we used to do back when we still felt like kids
Feels like ages since back then, hard to believe how much weve grown
But im so glad that we grew the way we have
I know that nothing can erase the past
No substnace is gonna change what is fact
I wont ever deny whats true or withold any of the details of my story and struggle
I stand by saying all I did had to be done
I feel like I might be capable of getting this message through and across
You cannot blame yourself for being guarded.
For protecting your once-soft heart that over time was hardened
I know its hard, that people can be mean
They can backstab and betray you. I know its easier to just get up and walk away than it is to wait around for someone when youve become so accustomed to how they all leave. I cant promise you that everyday will be sprinkled with magic and glitter but I can tell you that one day, the right ones will come along, and youll know theyre the right ones to come because they are the ones who will stay.
Proud of how you have fought to not push them away
