It feels like I have a war going on inside of me.
One part good, one part naughty.
It seems I'm fighting for justice but can't seem to decipher the line that differentiates the two. I am pure, innately good, but my thoughts are so bad, dirty and lustful.
I want to be good, I want to be pure.
I want my love with him to be sacred- but this dirty habit keeps me bound. When I'm alone I feel limitless and liberated...so surely there has to be something to it.
I want to share what I've seen and learned with him but I don't want him to have to see the material.
I worry I'll corrupt him and the way he is to me
I worry in that world I would just be another body and definitely a lot of competition. I lust for those girls, I want to do dirty...naughty things to them- but the idea of *him* wanting to do that to *them*
-Hurts like a bed of nails piercing into every part of me.
Why am I such a contradiction? I have become what I hate. I tell myself "well, I never look at the men so I don't feel it's really wrong in regards to being with him, I don't lust after another man, I just fulfil a fantasy which makes me wet like never before."
the scary thing is I recognize the fantasy comes from a trigger. a childhood trauma.
It's left me confused, which is what I think my subconscious is trying to achieve because as a young girl I was confused- by knowing what was happening to me was wrong and i didn't want it, trying to stop it but because she knew how to touch right, it stopped me from stopping her because it felt so good. Confusion.
here i realize that because it was wrong it made me enchanted by the devilish pleasure, it was thrilling that it was wrong but did it anyway. that whole experience made it exciting but also disgusted with myself afterwards.
Is this what I seek now as a sexual fantasy because my mind has got me to think that experience, when i was younger, is what I want in bed?
how do I stop feeding the wolf and making myself see that it was wrong what happened? i was molested. it was love it wasn't good just because it *felt* good.
it was devilish lust. here i sit scared with the memories and flash backs, yet searching for the same experience for some sick and fucked up reason trying to relive it because it partly made me feel so alive and feel so much pleasure and feel so liberated and naughty and stripped from the weight and responsibility of being a 'good girl'. at the same time it was entrapment and it left me feeling alone with secrets and guilt.
I need to make sense of the wound so I can heal it and understand why it's affecting me again when I thought it was over. No matter how much you try to suppress it or numb it, it will bubble up to the surface.
it reared its ugly head and I am so overwhelmed by the sexual urges, even before i've opened my eyes i wake up to dirty lustful thoughts. I know I'm not gay because emotionally i don't find women attractive. It's just parts of them when behaving sexually I can't take my eyes off it. I'm like a filthy old man (lol) but seriously.
I don't understand it because I also HATE that type of girl.
I hate the girls that wear almost nothing and act like sluts and try steal your man's gaze. yet here I am, lusting for them also. the demon that possesses them is strong in what they are doing I can feel the temptation coursing through my body and it terrifies me that my boyfriend might also feel that way about another woman.
I mean he's as possessive as I am, Imagine him knowing i was lusting for another man and touching myself to it- wouldn't it be worse? is there a difference?
I mean if I, a woman- am lusting- surely he, a man- would and that breaks me because I want to marry him, I love him.
how can he expect me to believe he can easily turn his eyes away when even I (a woman of God) can't.
I feel like I'm split right down the middle.
someone show me how to become truly whole and at peace.
When he told me he has a moment of weakness with that one link that led him to a porn site and then touching himself over it.
i realised we are the same, regardless of his promises, I know we are the same and he's just trying to make me feel secure.
I know he is lusting... I know he is trying to not, too.
it hurts my identity it hurts how I feel about myself and crushes my ability to feel sexy when I see him lusting. how can it liberate me when i'm alone but absolutely crush me when he's present. it's wild. and confusing.
I just want to find the healthy balance of what is healthy sexuality and not something that can tear the relationship apart. something that brings and connects it on a much deeper level.
I feel him not knowing this part of me fully is what disconnects us. I'm scared to show him that part of me in fear of never being able to make him forget it or change the way he see's me.
I want to protect his eyes and for him to be a righteous man, yet here i am nothing of a righteous woman.
I hate the thought of him looking at anyone else. it kills me. it breaks me.
Do I feel validated with being wanted? being the girl on the screen.... and someone getting turned on? do I subconsciously desire to be desired... but with the desire comes the idea that in that world there are millions of girls who do it better and look better.
whereas when its just me i feel the freedom to just *be* with no comparisons or judgement. i compare when he's with me. I over think everything.
I want to be the most beautiful thing to him, i want to satisfy him like no other. I don't know how to get there. how to be vulnerable and stop judging myself- feeling as though he is judging me because of not feeling enough and feeling like an imposter. If only i had bigger boobs, bigger bum, smaller waist. would any of this make my pain better, easier? or would it feed this demon of lust... oh, to be desirable.
SPLIT.
