Unlocked Heart: Home of Feels

The blog where I unload thoughts and feelings I either can't express to others or I feel I will burden others with. Currently going through things so don't follow unless you want a bunch of feels on your dash. But if me splling my heart out comforts you...

[mindgazer]

Hello it’s me again at 31 and I’m tired.

I found another work from home job. I’m glad I’m making money again. But I’m burning out. Talking on the phone stresses me out. At this point I feel it’s hopeless. I don’t know if I’ll ever find a job I don’t hate.

Customer service is draining the life out of me. It’s a chore to get up and go to my computer every day. When people are nice it’s ok but the occasional asshole does nothing for my overall mood. I don’t know what I could do that makes money that isn’t stressful. And I’m only getting older. I know I dream of getting my own place and getting a few cats. I know it can’t happen without a job. I know. But damn every day is so difficult. I hate waking up and clocking in. I’m taking hits to my paycheck because my job offers ghe(go home early) when they have ‘too much’ people on staff (considering it’s a call center I do not believe there’s such thing as too many workers. Who likes waiting in a long ass queue) and I am always quick to take them if I have no meetings or training modules scheduled for the day. I have no control. I almost check every day to see if I can schedule ghe. In fact I had already scheduled some tomorrow(technically today since it’s 1am) and I’m excited because my 2 days off are coming after today.

Point is I’m unhappy and I just don’t know what job is out there and I’m desperately looking for something off phones because at this point it’s the only thing I know to try. I hope I can find a job off phones. In the meantime I need to be responsible and keep the job I have now.

[mindgazer]

I’m 30, stressed, and conflicted

2023 is nearly coming to its end. It’s crazy to think about how 3 years ago the world was stuck with a global pandemic. I was 26, turned 27 after the official lock down. I had just made the cut off of graduating college (December of 2019) I was at peak joy. I was proud of myself for finally getting my bachelors after so many years of struggling with school when I entered my 4 year college for the first time back in 2011. I felt maybe I can do anything. I had somewhat of a plan. Work at my crummy retail job at a college bookstore (not my Alma mater but a college that was way closer to my home than the one I attended) for a year as I heard it looked good when you worked at a place for over a year, and look for something else. But the pandemic happened and the world was on hold. I was on hold. But I feel so robbed. Robbed of the last years of my 20’s after I already personally fooled around academically in my late teens/early 20’s. And now 3 years have passed and I don’t feel 30. I feel like I’m still 20 something and I have time to figure shit out. But I’m 30! I’ll be 31 in 3 months and I feel like I should have been more. I feel like I should have been doing more. I’m 30 and I still live in my childhood home with my mother. I lost my job in the pandemic (which who hasn’t?) and struggled with work since. I get a job in September 2022 deciding to take advantage of the wfh wave as I was (and very much still) afraid of catching covid and having lasting issues from this illness. But I was let go in April of this year, I couldn’t keep up with the demands of that job and was let go on a random Thursday afternoon. I felt like such a failure. I was never fired before. I either worked temp and simply left when my time was up and my last job I was let go bc everyone was let go during the pandemic. This was the first job I was sat down and fired from. This summer was a lot going on from my sister graduating college, to my mother having some surgeries and medical procedures planned. We even had some slight renovations done to the old childhood home. I rode out the unemployment train from May to September of this year. And now I’m back where I started. Jobless and lost. Only now I’m older.

I feel like I’m running out of time. I feel like a bum living off my mom and her retirement funds. I can’t even help with any bills as I’m simply living off my savings I had from working. Like I know I’m the most useless able bodied adult in the world and I hate it. I try to push it down and not think about it but it’s becoming more and more apparent the longer this goes on.

I have hopes and dreams. I want to save money and move out of my home. Really enjoy freedom before dealing with the inevitable fact my own mother is getting older and having more medical issues. Before having to one day deal, as the oldest daughter, with future care of my mother(but that’s a whole rant for another day). I want to move to an apartment and be able to live without a roommate. I want to own a cat or 2, maybe a dog. I want to finally feel like I can contribute to a future relationship. But I know for any of this to happen I got to start with a job. Get a job and save money. But as I come to realize with all the experience I have with working… I fucking hate it. I hate retail. I hate people. I don’t want to work in person/on site because people are annoying. People are gross and I feel alien seemingly being the only person who still goes outside with a mask. The days I work retail exhausted me to be very being. Standing for 8 straight hours a day even if it was part time since I was also doing school work. Dealing with demanding customers and ignoring the shitty managers that made working there a pain. I hated every minute of it. I hate being up at the crack of dawn just to commute to work and avoid the heavy morning traffic. I hated the closing shift because I turned into a custodian. I thought having an on campus store meant there was was a separate cleaning crew for that and I never forgotten the disappointment for my first closing shift. I hated that even if the store closed at 7-8pm(I forget really) I can potentially stay until 8-9 or even 10 depending on what’s going on bc we all have to leave together only to drive home nearly too tired to eat dinner, shower and do it all again. When I hat my wfh job I was stressed from the constant phone calls. I have to decompress before and after work even without having to deal with the annoying commute. I hate working. I don’t dream of working. I have to work until I’m roughly 65 (let’s be real us millennials aren’t going to be able to retire at 65) and be too tired/too broken/ too sickly to enjoy my retirement and maybe have a good 10-15 years before the health issues really take hold. That’s horrifying. I don’t dream of labor. I don’t want to do this forever. But dammit how else am I gonna make money?! Money can’t fall from the sky.

I feel so sick. Because I’m 30 and I should have been well established in the workforce. I should already have a place of my own even if it’s with a roommate. My 25 yo sister is doing better than me with that department even if her and her roommate constantly struggle with rent at least she has her own place. All this schooling and I have nothing to show for it. And the worst part I can’t really blame everything on the pandemic. Even if it hadn’t came when it did I have no idea which job I would have taken after I dusted the retail one. How would I find field related work that’s not teaching (the curse of getting a humanities degree)? And at this point I don’t even have the motivation to be a writer like I used to be. I make countless incomplete fanfiction and even being stuck at home did nothing to improve my writing motivation l, if anything the stress of catching this unknown virus and potentially dying kept me from doing anything that required too much thought. But the pandemic is ‘over’ there’s vaccines for covid now. I’m 30 and have no excuses to be this useless. That quote floating around of

“I’m 27 years old, I have no money and no prospects. I’m already a burden to my parents. And I’m frightened.”

That’s me only I’m 30 and I’m feeling it now more than I ever did when I was actually 27. At this point I just want a job I can live with and not wake up everyday being tired and stressed but nothing I’ve seen so far seems to fit what I need. I want to be able to make adult moves. But I still feel frozen in place. I already feel over this being a slave to the job thing. Just a lot of overwhelming feelings I’m having.

[mindgazer]

Merry Christmas to me

So as much as I have turmoil over having to work especially after my 2 year vaca—hiatus it’s nice to have money in my account again and not that piss poor minimum wage. I finally decided to purchase something I really want with my money. I decided to buy myself a Nintendo switch for Christmas. I got the switch lite with the money I got when I graduated 2 years ago (I regret getting it so soon because they came out with later with a pink one and I think pink is cute I’d totally get red if they came in red) but it was a cheaper alternative because with the funds from my old job and other things I was paying on at the time I could not afford a switch. But I don’t get much for myself other than food and small things. This will be my first big purchase. It sucks this job kills my free time but I’ll try my best to play it bc I deserve a little happiness.

[mindgazer]

Two short years has passed and as the year of 2022 is drawing to a close I just have to say things have changed quite a bit.

I finally got a job. A job that pays more than minimum wage. Not sure how I would’ve survived on 7.25 even if I was full time (being a college student made working full time impossible for me). I work at a call center now rather than the college bookstore in my hometown. It comes with its own set of pros and cons.

Pro being I work from home which in this pandemic is perfect. I refuse to work customer service and deal with a million and one nasty germy people all day. I can stay in the comfort of my own home to ensure my health and my mom as well.

Con being that working full time means I’m working 5 days a week for 8 hours to equal a 40 hour work week. Perhaps that wouldn’t be bad but I’m stuck in a permanent morning shift and I hate mornings. I feel so exhausted at the end of the day.

Sure I’m not standing on my feet listening to customers and ringing up overpriced books all or forced to work the store on game days but sitting and being on the phone hearing a million different voices all day is still tiresome. Each day I get off I don’t want to be bothered until I’ve decompressed in my room with the lights off. It’s hard to have energy to do things I like as well as essential tasks such as eating dinner and showering after work. The idea of using my days off for anything other than staying in bed sickens me and so far when I’ve had to do something I’ve hated it. And being an adult and having a full time job as opposed to the balancing act I was doing in college means working holidays. I miss a holiday feeling like holiday. I was so bitter I had to work on thanksgiving the hell ppl are calling in on thanksgiving? I have to work Christmas Eve but luckily Christmas Day. I can still enjoy some holiday. I requested an extra day off just to give me some breathing room. But I miss college bc I was literally off for nearly a month and with no other responsibilities during they time I would just relax at home.

It’s a bit intimidating getting more into adult life. I feel so behind knowing my peers and those younger than me have it together. A job in their field after college, already married and/or starting families, living on their own and not at their parents house. I’ll be 30 next year and it feels like I’m only dipping my toes in and I have floaties on. I know comparing myself to others is not helpful but my mind does stray there often. I wish to have my own place and finally own a cat or two and have the space and funds to collect anime merch and display everything proudly. But a part of me likes the convenience and comfort staying home with mom brings me. But she won’t be around forever I need to be on my own feet. Trying to dig deep trying to push back the discomfort of waking up early every morning and the phone jitters I get every morning before starting. Trying to find the motivation to get to that point. For now I’m saving my paychecks and getting my savings built up. I can’t make any move without money. One day I’ll look back at this and smile knowing this is worth it.

[mindgazer]

Okay so because my mom is 63 and having some health issues relating to neuropathy and how it’s messing with her ability to work she’s looking into when she’s going to retire and how long she can hold out. Apparently according to birth year there’s an age you can retire and get benefits. I thinks she’s holding out for 65 which isn’t that long but it is a lot if she’s in pain. But I also learned something else.

She’d looked up in the process that I won’t be able to retire until I’m like 80. This is so disheartening. I’m not sure what she saw or if she read it properly and I should prob fact check before posting this but the point is I’m a millennial and with all the fuckery we deal with we won’t even fucking retire until were 80...80?! You kidding me. How many of us are even in perfect health to last to 80? So is this is what I have to look forward to work to the bone for my whole life and maybe if I’m lucky I live long enough to retire? I don’t know if it’s possible that the age can change but as it stands it really seems like life is a pointless state of existence. And I’m just really tired of everything.

[mindgazer]

Today marks the start of change. With Biden winning the election comes with this sense of hope. These last 4 years have been hell and it hurts me knowing after such progression with Obama America regressed so harshly with trump. The power of the people really shows with this vote. Hopefully now we can move forward and heal as a society. Today also marks the best day of 2020. All this fear and turmoil with covid and the protests (and government reaction to said protests) has built to this moment. I just know it. We got this America.

[mindgazer]

I can think of nothing that has stressed me out more as an American this year than the election. Shit has been hard as a black woman in America this year but this is the turning point. Things can change for the better if it goes the right way. I don’t know if we can survive another term with trump. I need Biden to come clutch.

[mindgazer]

Today is probably the most stressful day of my life. My mom got tested positive for covid. I’m scared for her and myself. My mind is racing, thinking to everything she done the last few days to get me possibly contaminated. This past Friday we went out to eat she took a sip of my drink bc the people at the drive through didn’t label which cup was a cola or a tea. She started coughing Saturday but she spent most of the Saturday with some other relatives But upon coming home she spent the rest of the evening coughing and the thought of her walking the house and touching stuff. She likes to give spontaneous hugs and has indeed hugged me yesterday. After being exposed to 2 days of her coughing I’m scared as hell I got it too. Granted I know she had got infected some time ago and the symptoms are showing itself. Meaning I probably had just as long to get it from her or anyone else and I’m fine right now. I don’t want to get sick I’ve only ever get random colds and a rare stomach bug. In my entire 27 years of life I’ve only ever gotten the flu once.

I’m mad at her for being careless (going out unnecessarily on the occasion). But I’m mainly mad the governor of my state is an idiot. They care more about ‘economy’ than the safety of the citizens. We should have been quaranting more seriously. Instead we got a half ass enforced curfew. Now they opened the damn beaches and my mom has been back to work for a little bit now. I’m mad because even though we wear masks every time we go out no one in my state took this seriously since opening back up. Any time I go to the grocery store I only see employees with mask, no other customers are wearing a mask. Don’t get me started that I can count on one hand the amount of stores near me require a mask before even entering. I’m mad and scared that I’m at risk for catching it. Every one apparently reacts differently, she only has a cough and can breathe just fine. What if I get it and my body wants to fuck me up? I won’t know till I get it and I don’t have the luxury of being a retiree of the military to have that bomb health care. I’m fucking scared and pissed and have nowhere to turn to right now.

Alternate thought is I was an unknown carrier since I have been feeling fine for months and since her body is weaker (as a 62yo woman) is reacting to it. This makes me feel a little better but also bad because that means I gave her the illness instead. I don’t know how to think or feel my mind is all over the place.

[mindgazer]

Ya know with everything going on in 2020 such as a global pandemic, being jobless because of said pandemic, and growing protests against police brutality I had a really cathartic moment.

Casual talk with my sibling that had her ask me about my ex. She’s known the longest about him after all and she randomly thought about it bc we was talking about relationships. Either way she asked if we broke up because I haven’t mentioned him in a while (like 4ish years girl). Either way I told her about the mess that came out of the hell that is 2013. Me flunking out of my first college af the same time I became aware of the deteriorating marriage of my parents took its toll on me. I started to doubt if my own relationship would last and apparently I wasn’t giving him enough and what was going on the dream of moving across country to him wasn’t going to be in the foreseeable future. He was an impatient asshole when I really needed his support. And at the time it hurted and the way things ended it was like it was my fault. But I’ve learned that in the end it was him that wanted more than I could give. He’s just as much to blame at our failed relationship as I. I stand by it. But it’s taken me a long while to get over him. Up till today I haven’t thought about him maybe because the world has been slipping further into chaos every month of this new year.

But I guess the whole point of this is after talking about the process of that breakup with someone for the first time really made me feel good. I just feel so much better I think I’m finally free of whatever guilt that might have lingered. Either way in the mix of all the chaos I found a little pocket of joy.

[bloomflowersbloom]

[mindgazer]

Nothing quite like having to get out and leave your house to work in cold and rainy weather only to get to work and have nowhere to park in the garage because downtown parking is a bitch and because I’m not a student and doing have a parking pass I can’t park anywhere and I’m not trying to feed a meter for that long (I don’t think that’s even possible). I hate working at a university that blends into downtown life. Days like today is why I need to try harder to find another job.

[mindgazer]

Major plot point of my decade

A lot has happened in the last few weeks. Mainly I finally graduated from college. This decade was filled with many heartaches and triumphs and failures. A lot of these struggles have been condensed into 5 long years. Having everything crumble around me at the age of 21 was rough. I failed out of college (suspended) and it happened to be the summer I realized how south my parent’s marriage was going. I felt like a failure while the home I’ve always known is changing. I felt so weighted down with trying to gather my barings while being in such a tense loving arrangement at home.

The only person I had at the time was my boyfriend who’ve I’ve been with for 6 years or so. But I’ve started to doubt anyone could ever be happy if my parents weren’t and I had doubts about how I could ever have a future with a guy I was dating long distance. And it’s just we well things went bad too. With all my shortcomings aside, at the end of the day he abandoned me when I needed him the most. Because I finally got myself back into a tech school and taking my work seriously while he wanted me to eventually move with him all the while he was essentially a secret to my family. I tried to make it work only for him to have given up on me completely. As all relationships are, it takes two (or more for poly but since I’m in a standard monogomus relationship) to be willing to put effort into the relationship and he wasn’t willing. All and all I was the lowest I’ve ever been. Our family healing from the divorce while I’m trying to quietly mourn the loss of the only real relationship I’ve ever had.

Here at my second shot at a 4 year university, now older, wiser, and seasoned from my time at my 2 year I begun to really work. I had time for fun, but I made sure my grades were on top of things. And now I have my bachelors degree to finally show for all my struggle. Through it all my mom never made me feel bad or stupid but she supported me even with her own failing marriage.

The end of the decade is here and while I think I’ll always carry the scars of the past. I’ll probably always hold people a little bit at arms length waiting for the other shoe to drop, I’ll always hate my scum of a father, and I’m always going to wonder what life would have been like had things been different all those years ago. However, this is where I am and I just have to move forward this year as well.

[mindgazer]

Today I finally graduated. Spending so long battling with school. I nearly failed out of school, took a break, retook classes and got myself an associates and finally got a Bachelor’s Degree. Not much in grand scale I guess but for me this means a lot. Not sure what’s exactly next but for tonight I’m happy. 5 years ago I was 21 and had my whole crisis with school, my parents’ marriage falling apart, and broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years all within this time frame. I was a hot mess and it was hard to find any shred of joy.

But I pulled myself together and worked on what I can control, which is my grades and school. I was able to pass classes and get my degree and made some friends along the way. Here I am in the future, older, wiser, a little more jaded than I was. But I came out so much stronger. If I can tell the me at 21 who spent many nights crying over my ex, who spent days and nights in a dark Hell hole of self loathing anything is that eventually it will be ok. Here I am, and for the first time in 5 years, it looks bright

[illinicoise]

“But if you forget to reblog Madame Zeroni, you and your family will be cursed for always and eternity.”

[spn-fandom-breathing-heavily]

not even risking that shit

[codyslipring-deactivated2015060]

scrolled past this, re-evaluated my life, then SCROOOLLLED back up and hit the damn reblog button. 

[isamaegreenleaf]

Last comment same thing. Sorry to the next person who sees this. I just can’t risk it. I have things I need to do before my life becomes hell. Lol

[nnfirnid]

man i fucking hate yall who tf put this up knowing damn well we all gonna reblog it im heated im really sick af bout this 

[modelinterrupted]

I don’t play that shit lol sorry

[latenightsugar]

WHyyyy

[badgyal-k-deactivated20190901]

Sorry everyone

[just-jay25]

If only if only the woodpecker sighs the bark on the tree was as soft as the sky why the wolf waits below hungry and lonely he cries to the moon if only if only

[kixgbear]

Shiddd

[angiebkxo-deactivated20180626]

this post followed me to Facebook and im sooo annoyed!

[manynamedshe]

It’s been a MINUTE since I’ve seen Madame Zeroni, fr fr

[glamhoeour-deactivated20251207]

I HATE TUMBLR FKKKK SAKES

LMAOOOO

[venusians]

Not tryna fuck up any of my planetary Returns~

[edge-of-great]

One time I didn’t and I was broke for like a month but the next time I seen it I rebloged it and a bitch just got 500 out the blue and a 20 gift card

[cals-desk]

Not doing great right now so let’s not make it worse

[devilswordaerith]

Whoever put this up…. Yo I hate you, my family is already cursed my guy

[belanche]

Skiddadle skidoodle thou shall not curse my noodle

[mindgazer]

I love when you tell your parent twice the night before what time you’re gonna wake up to get ready for work in the morning, meaning don’t wake you up before that, and said parent still wakes you up a whole 15min before that. So now you can’t go back to sleep and you get up anyway and when you point out the error nstead of apologizing she just defends herself saying ‘well you don’t know how going to work is going to be’. That’s not the point. The point is I’m up earlier than I wanted and it’s the first time I’ve slept all the way through the night for quite a while. Every minute of sleep counts for me.

Like damn I know today will probably be tough since I woke up irritated af. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to work and I can just finish school in peace. Sometimes the only thing that gets me through it knowing it’s only temp and I can choose to stay once my three months is over. Not sure what I’m gonna do when those are over tho.

[mindgazer]

Two weeks

Into this job and I’m so over it. Working at a university bookstore is kinda demanding. So many early days just because of these students foolishly buying all their books on the first day? Wish someone can tell them besides me. I’ll so tired being up at 6 just to get here by 7:30am and stand on my feet 6.5 hours straight (7hr shift but lunch obs don’t count). I’m so tired. Only thing I’m happy about is I get a Friday Saturday off which is nice. After this rush week imma need it.

[mindgazer]

Is it bad...

That is only in my second week of working and I’ll already over it? My feet and legs hurt every day after standing for 7 hrs because retail. I’m up way too early, it’s just too much. It feels like too much for only $7.25. Is it wrong that I want more in life than having a: ‘hey at least it’s a job’ mentality?