You know how life goes up and down? I think i was up for a while and now I've hit the down part. They say you have to know sadness to recognize happiness, which I used to believe. But happy people are sad because they don't know sadness. Yes, once again I have gone off on a tangent. This may or may not be some foreshadowing as I like to avoid my problems. Maybe this is why I chose a helping profession because I would rather help others than help myself. (The numerologist told me that once)
Even though I'm usually wearing repellent other persons' beliefs and opinions seep into my mind and my critical thinking takes a backseat. I am human.... gasp.
Sleep deprivation started this all. Actually, stress, that's what started this down swing that then caused sleep deprivation and unhappy thoughts to dominant my brain. So what caused this stress? Work. Yes like everyone else, but my work has a lot to do with life and death and is consumed by the gray area in between. Therefore, you would think I would be ever so grateful for my healthy functioning body. Well, I am. But if I put all of my energy into work it leaves me wondering where is my purpose out of work.
Now I should not put blame on other's beliefs or even the cultural pressure we all face everyday. I created and entertained the thoughts of unhappiness.
Just to preface, I am the happiest I have ever been since I can remember. Yeah, it makes sense.
I never thought I would get older. I never thought I would think about my "biological clock." I never thought the relationship the guy I'm dating has with is family would be important. I never thought I would be afraid of being fat. I never thought being a grown up would be so challenging. This could obviously go on forever. I think you get my drift.
I'm a bad adult in many ways. I suck at budgeting. I hate cleaning. I am chronically disorganized. I have all of these ideas, but no follow through. In translation: I start many things without finishing.
I am get a great friend and almost too social at times. I am compassionate, yet strong willed. I believe you can learn something from everyone. No matter what.
So what is the problem? I feel like I'm drowning. Actually, I am barely keeping my head above water. I want to be a badass occupational therapist, a loyal friend, and in a loving relationship. I am a libra. I am supposed to be able to balance. I am using all of my energy at work and with my friendships that I am closing myself off to a loving relationship. Why? Because it is exhausting. I am not willing to put in the effort, but I want to reap all of the benefits. My mantra lately is: All in due time. I want to be superwoman, but I can't. If anyone is putting pressure on me to be a better OT or more willing to entertain a relationship, it's me.
I can think about working out, cleaning, or going on a date, but that's not creating an action. It can just add to the madness. I need to do more and rest more and think less.
The mind is everything, what you think you become- Buddha
